(two)
The legal partner on my marriage certificate is disgustingly fussy.
As a programmer of a pharmaceutical company, Yu Haiqiao has never looked like a programmer. The plaid shirt and computer bag that programmers are standard with do not exist. He must wear it from Monday to Thursday on weekdays. The shirts are never heavy, and the bags are kept calm. On Fridays, the company is free to wear whatever he wants, so he will wear as many bags as he wants.
One day when I was eating in the company cafeteria at noon, this person posted a series of emoticons and told me: "Our company's new receptionist asked me if I just graduated today and came to do an internship."
"Proud?" I was very shameless about it.
"This proves that with the dressing style and taste of an aunt like you, everyone will think you are my sister when I walk with you in the crowd, and maybe even my mother in a few years."
I don't know that he is proud of his wool. Isn't it a very shameful thing to be mistaken for a college student who has just graduated and come to practice at the age of 30, which shows that he is immature and young.
I hung up on this dog with disdain, and then received a series of messages from him. He sent me a series of Taobao links on WeChat. All the chat records of this dog, including the 300 rounds of emoticon wars between me and him during the work period, after clearing, a voice from him came over belatedly: "Shi Ran, you are a big mother , improve your own taste."
I replied with a middle finger emoji and a sentence of "Yu Gou get out".
Of course, this does not prove that he is a picky person, at most he is a flirt.
His pickiness is reflected in the fact that he opened the door to change his shoes after working overtime at night, and started beeping without raising his head: "Is the radish rib soup boiled? The weather is too dry recently. Eating radish this day is equivalent to eating ginseng."
"It's boiled, it's poisoned." I told him.
"What poison? Dichlorvos doesn't taste very good, and rat poison isn't very good either. If you take it, you'll get cramps and die badly. Sleeping pills are good, but if you don't take enough, you'll have to go to the hospital." Gastric lavage." He put down his bag, took off his coat and hung it up, while smoothing his sleeves, he analyzed it with me seriously.
I sincerely suggested to him: "Just jump off the building and die."
Yu Haiqiao responded with a low swish: "Okay~" Ying Wan rolled up his sleeves and went into the kitchen, where he began to yell, "Shi Ran, how much rice did you put in the fucking rice and how much water did you use for the radish? What is the ratio of ribs to radishes in the soup, can this be eaten?!"
Yu Haiqiao is a dog, I will kill him one day.
He was very doggy in the kitchen for a long time, so I had to turn the volume of the TV to infinity. After a while, the sound of the doggy chatter began to decrease, and then the kitchen heard that he cut The movement of the dishes, followed by the sound of cooking oil, I let go of my hand covering one ear, and Yu Haiqiao rushed out of the kitchen again with a roar: "Turn down the volume of the TV for me, you I'm deaf and I'm not fucking deaf yet!!"
Because Yu Haiqiao is a picky dog, he doesn’t eat my fried dishes, usually he cooks when he comes back from get off work, our places of work are one south and the other north, the distance is actually about the same distance, but he goes to work by car, and I squeeze the subway to work, so I usually arrive home ten minutes later than him after work, and at that time he is usually busy in the kitchen, so I have nothing to do. But today is an exception. He worked overtime until after 8 o'clock, and returned home at 8:30, but he is a dog, he is picky, he would rather die than surrender, and he will not eat what I make.
When the two of us just got the certificate, he had been cooking for two days, and the real situation was actually terrible. However, he is very selective in blocking what he doesn’t want to hear, and I can distinguish two or three dishes with the naked eye. He didn't know what kind of dish it was, which made him raise his tail to the sky, and threatened that he was an unborn genius chef, and it would be a delicious meal if he played it casually, because this dog was too narcissistic and didn't want to let it go. My mortal fingers stain his noble kitchen, no matter how much I dislike all the meals he makes, he always looks like I am a mortal who is jealous of his talent, even if I order takeaway in front of him, he can distort it It's because my garbage palate is not worthy of his delicacies.
Anyway, that’s how it is, he’s narcissistic to the point of heinousness sometimes, and I think even if a pig cooks for a few years, the things he cooks will become edible, of course pigs can’t cook Dishes, it can only be served on the table, this is just a metaphor.
What's more, although I don't want to admit it, Yu Haiqiao is too smart, at least smarter than a pig.
So I haven't been in the kitchen much in the three years since I got the certificate.
The reason why I say I haven’t played it much instead of never played it, of course, is because after I entered the kitchen one time, I suddenly realized that Yu Haiqiao is not worthy of eating, he is only worthy of eating shit!
At the moment when he was working overtime until after eight o’clock in the certification, I thought that I would be starved to death at home, cooked some rice, ordered two takeaways and packed them, and waited until he came home from work in a hurry He happened to be frying some leafy vegetables in the pot, and when he brought it out, his expression became uneasy.
When eating, he took two bites and put down his chopsticks, looked at him critically and said, "What are you making?"
I looked at him coldly, and told him: "It's a takeaway."
Yu Haiqiao's face was just a little bit better, and he lifted his chopsticks to pick up the vegetables very noblely, and said in his mouth: "I knew it, no wonder the taste is not bad."
Of course I wouldn't try my best to ridicule me: "Did you think that I cooked such a good table, and felt that my self-esteem was seriously hit, and even felt that all the dishes I cooked before were shit?"
Yu Haiqiao looked at me with a very disgusted expression, and looked at me in such an unrefined manner, then ordered the plate of green vegetables that I personally fried with chopsticks on the table, and he lifted the chopsticks and stuffed it into a mouthful. Put it into his mouth, then took out a piece of paper very gracefully, spit the green vegetables on the paper very gracefully, and then told me very gracefully: "How is it possible?" He looked at me cheaply, and slowly pointed to the plate The vegetables I fried, "This is shit."
Then I was banned from the kitchen, oh takeaway, and he said he didn't allow those crappy things including me to enter his kitchen.
So, Yu Haiqiao is a dog, picky, and only fit to eat shit.
Cough, it seems a little ambiguous to say this, after all, he is cooking and I am eating now, I cannot classify myself as his kind, and after several years of kitchen fumes, Comrade Xiao Yu's cooking skills are now improving by leaps and bounds, When I was in a good mood and he went to the kitchen to cook a table of delicious dishes, I would occasionally give him a thumbs up with gratitude and happiness: "Husband, you are a perfect cook!"
Yu Haiqiao is only barely a husband at this time, and he is a dog in other situations, especially when he utters the next sentence.
He would look at me with his dead fish eyes and ask me back, "Are you sick?"
In order to make him sick enough, I would compare him with three styles of hearts, namely the heart of two fingers, two hands, and two arms, with a very pompous sound effect like an idol drama - "Love you ,husband."