My name is Xia Yihan, this is not my real name, but after using it for so long, I almost forgot my original name.
My name is Mu Han, adoring Mu, icy cold.
The teacher said that my mother gave me a good name and she was laughing at me.
lol I'm different.
When did I realize I was different
Probably in the second grade classroom, SpongeBob SquarePants were on the screen, and the yellow-haired cake in shorts asked everywhere: Am I ugly? Am I ugly? All the classmates were hahahaha, or quack quack, but the teacher thought I fell asleep with my eyes open.
Maybe it was the test papers, the teacher sent them one by one, and the same desk suddenly turned his head and said to me: I'm so nervous, are you nervous? I nodded. I learned the word nervous.
It may also be that when crossing the road, a private car ran over the cat, it just passed by me, and the next second, it condensed into a flower fur on the ground, mixed with splashing liquid. Dad ran and carried me to the side of the road, and asked: Didn't I scare you? I saw that his face was pale, and I felt like he was about to cry.
I found that people are troublesome animals with many emotions, which are classified in the textbook: "happy", the picture shows a child grinning; "surprise", the picture shows a child's birthday; "sad", The picture is of a child who scored 59 points in the test.
The teacher gave us a demonstration. When she mentioned the word surprise, her expression was exaggerated, her eyes were stuffed with copper bells, her mouth was stuffed with eggs, and the movements of her hands were changing every second: "Imagine your birthday, Mom and Dad have prepared for you. As soon as you open the gift, you find that it is something you have wanted for a long time."
The classmates laughed and chatted.
Later, I learned the word "heart blindness", imagine an apple, some people can draw a still life oil painting in their minds, and some people's minds are blank without any color outline.
The teacher made us feel the emotions when we received the gift, and my body was blank.
Although I am not rare, I sometimes wonder what it feels like.
Sometimes walking on the street and seeing the people around me dancing, downcast, expressionless, and anxious, I feel like we are in the same sea, they are swimming, and the water surrounds them, separating and closing with their movements, I was also in the sea, but there was ice around me, and I couldn't swim, so I stayed in the ice.
Sometimes people around me swim too much, and the ripples of the sea water are dense and spread to the ice layer. I can feel a slight vibration, but it is only that small, and it is fleeting.
Learning emotions is troublesome for me. First, I have to memorize nouns, and then memorize the corresponding expressions, as well as the reactions of people.
Sometimes I mess up.
When she was four years old, her mother's puppy died. She opened her eyes wide, barked "Yeah", and walked around the kennel.
I walked over and said to her: I know this is a surprise!
Mom's eyes opened wider and her mouth opened, looking at me speechless. She was even more surprised.
But I don't rely solely on rote learning, I can feel excited and angry.
When I was a kid, my mother and I played hide and seek, I hid in the closet, waiting for her to rummage, my muscles danced, from hair to toenails, my eyes closed in my coat, in the dark, listening To the beat of his own heart - that was the sound of excitement.
Later, my mother refused to play games with me. I hid in the closet, waited for a long time, and the door didn't open. That feeling was gone.
Mom refuses to hug me anymore, she likes children, I saw that she bought a lot of fairy tale books, as well as books for raising children, magazines, big and small, and her front teeth came out of laughter - none of them I'm cute and not as pretty as I am.
Mom hugs other people's children, puppies, pillows, but she doesn't hug me.
I thought it was because of the smell on my body. I rubbed hard when I was taking a shower. After washing, I saw my arm was red. I smelled it and it was fragrant.
But I am fragrant, she still does not hold.
When I got home from school, I got off the school bus and saw a fat girl on the lawn. Her mother was leading her and walking into the community. She twisted her body and cried and made a noise: Mom, I want pizza, eat pizza.
Then her mother agreed to take her down the street.
I looked at the way the fat girl was bouncing and jumping, and I got angry.
She is obviously older than me, why is her mother holding her and taking her out for pizza!
Is it because she is coquettish
I thought: If I act like a spoiled child, will my mother hug me
I wrote down the girl's movements and tone, rehearsed it in my head, and walked home.
When I got home, I found my mother lying on the floor of the dining room, looking peaceful, her eyelashes tightly closed, not even blinking.
She died, that was her body.
I took her hand and said: Mom, let's go eat pizza.
She ignored me. Like before, she didn't look for me, hug me, or talk to me.
I went back to my room and started my homework, I didn't want to eat pizza.
After the mother was carried away, there was no mother in the house, and the excitement was gone.
There is also a father at home, his mother is dead, he is very sad, I have seen him cry, like a Shar Pei, his eyes and brows are drooping, and his eyes are falling down.
Dad misses me so much that I can feel it. He always wants to take me out to play, take me to eat, buy me new clothes, and every time he finishes, he will ask: Xiaohan, are you happy
I say happy.
If you are happy without feeling anything.
When it was my birthday, he always came back with a box of cakes, and he also prepared gifts for me. I don't quite understand his aesthetics.
Before, when my mother bought clothes for me, I felt like a little princess. After my father bought clothes for me, I felt like a pet dog.
I want to tell him: I don't want gifts, you give me back my mother.
But I never said it, for fear that he would be like a Shar Pei again, his eyes and brows were wrinkled together, and his tears were falling.
But this idea later changed.
Dad sent me away to Chenyang. He said that he was too busy to take good care of me and asked his aunt and uncle to take care of me.
In Chenyang, it's my birthday again, the gifts I want have changed, I don't want my mother to come back, I want my father to come back.
So I went back to Wangjiang to find him, but he was gone, so I searched for him for a long time.
Later, I found him beside the locust tree in Huaxie Ting. He was lying in the pit, dirty and messy, with his eyelashes tightly closed like his mother.
I scraped the dirt off his face, and I said: Dad, let's go eat cake.
He ignored me, he used to like talking to me.
I was angry, even more angry than when Xiaomei died.
Because I saw the murderer clearly, there were five of them, and they dug a hole together and buried Dad.
Maybe I don't understand other emotions, but I understand anger, and because of anger, I can do a lot of things.
At the same time, I am very fortunate that I have no other superfluous emotions.
They are a burden to me.
In the orphanage, the whipping hurts but doesn't scare me, and the guns make me bleed, but don't make me retreat.
Killings and brawls excite me, and every nerve in the ring is cheering.
Ponytail always thought he could beat me, he was a fool, he didn't know I was fearless.
He should kill me, not torture me, because torture makes me angry and only makes me stronger than him.
Revenge is a good thing, it makes me angry and it makes me excited at the same time.
I'm going to put a knife in every murderer, carve acacia flowers on them, and I feel like I'm cutting pizza and making cakes.
Their fear mixed with the smell of blood, sweet and delicious.
But they are just a side dish in the tooth sacrifice. The real highlight is the director of the Superman Division. I was very excited from the first time I saw her.
I looked at her chin, her neck, where the carotid arteries were, I could see the throbbing of her arteries.
The thought of getting revenge and strangling her in the future made me very excited.
But what excites me the most is her tracking.
She was always following me, looking for me everywhere, and wherever I went, she would follow me.
Is she playing hide and seek with me
Will she hug me when she finds me
Every time I carve a locust flower, I get more excited, and I think: I left a reminder, and she'll follow right away!
But there is also a downside. In Wuhuai, there was a person who imitated and committed a crime and also carved a locust flower, so she followed and circled around that person.
I'm angry, why did she go to someone else
So I went over in person and took her with me.
In the rental house with her, she has always been kind and harmless, like a soft alpaca, with soft ears and soft body, because she knows that if she loses her temper, I will break her neck.
So she pretended to be friendly and stayed on good terms with me.
She's also smart and keeps trying to reach out to her henchmen.
After successfully stabbing four murderers, I'm so satisfied, I'm going to go around Superman myself.
So I was caught, and fell into her devil's lair.
She took me to a villa, a mysterious place, a perfect place for lynching.
She put electronic shackles on me, but if I moved fast enough, I could wipe her neck and make the whole room red with blood.
I thought, bind me, it's time for her to reveal herself.
I guess she'll press the shock button, put me in the torture chair, feed me chili water, and scold me as a little bastard.
That's fine, I can wring her neck without hesitation.
But she didn't. She gave me flowers, danced with me, and cooked food for me. I thought the food was poisonous at first, but later I found out that she ate more than I did.
She kept smiling, pretending to be gentle and considerate,
I thought she was a hypocrite woman.
And she is not dedicated, she doesn't concentrate on telling me, she doesn't concentrate on brainwashing me, and she always runs outside.
I got mad again, I hid, she didn't keep looking at me, I wouldn't let her see.
Later, she took me back to her old lair, and I was very grateful to her. This confirmed my idea. In the building that seemed to have no entrance, there was indeed a strange place, and it was full of large and small machines.
She is finally going to do it, she is going to persecute me mentally.
I can wring her neck again!
But she just put the helmet on me and asked me a few simple questions.
Later, her father came, that is, Chu movingren. At that time, I almost forgot who Chu movingren was. I seemed to have forgotten to take revenge, and my attention was on her.
Chu movingren told me that she and he are the closest people and the people they like the most.
I got angry, I stood up and was going to tear his mouth apart.
But she stood in front of him, and if I passed, she would stop me.
Why does she care about him so much
I thought about it for a long time, and I figured it out, it was her father. She didn't know what he did, and even if she knew, he was still her father.
Someone killed my dad, and my anger never subsided.
If I kill her dad, she'll be angry too, like me.
I call her "sister, elder sister" every day, but she is not her sister, and she will kill her father in the end.
She will be furious.
What if she yells at me, if she yells at me, if she slaps me, if she puts me in jail
It's okay, I'm not afraid, I'm not sad, I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid of anything, it's my most powerful weapon, my proudest place.
But since that day, I have developed a new feeling, I don't know what it is called, but I am not feeling well, I am unwell, I clearly feel that it is not a cold, it is not a fever, it is not the effect of outside temperature and humidity, it is the chest cavity Internal distress.
In the orphanage, the man in the ponytail would break my arm, on the stage Tarzan would smash my brain out, and in the crematorium the flames would devour my body, I didn't feel so uncomfortable.
The closer I got to the completion of the revenge plan, the more miserable I became. I can control how things go, but I can no longer control how I feel.
She told me a story.
A lively fairy tale.
The witch in the fairy tale is a big idiot. She took in the girl, fed her, made her a robe, and talked to her, but the girl ran away without looking back.
Because that witch was ugly and strange, just like me. I can't empathize with others, but I understand that witch.
It's as if my heart didn't grow inside the chest. It grows outside and is invaluable. When people around me see it, they will snatch my heart away, and then there will be a space in the chest that can be touched by reaching in.
So I began to understand that it was her who made me uncomfortable.
After my mother died, I saw another child outside the community. His mother was about to take the toy away from him.
Why cry? Why so stupid
Wouldn't it be great if I didn't want that toy and didn't take it as my own
I was having a hard time and I was trying to get over it, so finally I decided, I don't want her anymore.
I don't want her to notice me, I don't want her to hold me, I don't want her to cook for me, I don't want her to play hide-and-seek with me, I don't want her to talk to me anymore.
I don't want her anymore.
But she didn't know, she thought we were fine, she thought I would keep calling her sister.
She will always smile at me and always be nice to me.
I stabbed her with a knife and caused chaos in the whole hospital. I'm going to drive her away, she can't be so nice to me, or I can't help thinking that I'll go home with her and be together forever.
After escaping from the hospital, I was thinking, at this time, we should all be clean and fragrant, lying on the bed together, and she will tell me stories again and sleep with me.
If it wasn't for me I wouldn't want her anymore.
It's good that she didn't ignore me or leave me.
I made a wise choice because I was no longer in pain and could focus on revenge again.
After the revenge is complete, I can be completely free from her control.
But she's a haunting goblin who always follows me.
I need to concentrate, I need to play steadily, everything was fine, but she came, she said she loved me, she wanted to take me home.
She coaxed me. At that time, I felt that I was safe in this world, and that there were still people who wanted me to live and hope that I lived well.
When I was carving the locust flower, my hands trembled, and I started to feel uncomfortable again.
She stood by the door and said she loved me and wanted to take me home, but when I walked out that door she was going to leave me.
At that time, I was so eager to go to prison. The prison has four walls, a metal door, and it is a solid box. I can put the heart that grows outside the chest into the box, and no one can take it away.
I feel safe.
I don't feel angry anymore, I don't get excited anymore, but I get one thing in return - I don't feel bad anymore.
But she wouldn't let me go.
She kept coming to me, her expression was very strange, and her voice was very strange. I have seen countless people and heard countless voices, and I can already distinguish their emotions without error, but I can't read her.
Her face was light, her voice was soft, and she contained too many things, like a thin sheet of paper, full of words, beyond my comprehension.
She seemed happy, sad, excited, and decadent.
She said: Xiaohan, talk to me.
At that moment, I thought I was dead, she took my hand and said: Let's go eat pizza.
Later, she didn't come to me, but she stood outside the room, like a tree with green leaves that could cast a shadow, but with staggered wounds on the trunk.
Why doesn't she go? Why is it still there
I thought: Mom is gone.
Xiaomei is gone.
Dad is gone.
Why hasn't she left yet
I saw her shadow outside, I wanted to stand on tiptoe, and said to her through the iron railing: go, get out of here, don't come back, no one here will accompany you to eat pizza, no one will accompany you to buy cakes, and no People will pick up bougainvilleas with you, this is an empty house, go away and don't come back.
Do not come back, or you will be abandoned and you will be hurt.