Late at night, Zhao Pei lay on the bed, staring at the blue curtain without saying a word. She had been in this position for a whole day. Zi Ye was worried about her and kept watching over her. Now he had gradually fallen into a dream. And Han Zhen was nowhere to be found.
Zhao Pei thought of many things, things that were far away. Since Fang Deng was born, she had not paid too much attention to him. Subconsciously, Zhao Pei did not dare to think too much about Fang Deng, because then she would always think of someone she did not dare to miss. In her impression, Fang Deng was always a quiet and sensible child. He was smart and wise but introverted, and indifferent. He had things he wanted to do, and he knew how to do them. Unlike his sister, who made people worry.
Apart from this, Zhao Pei found that she couldn't list anything else. Han Zhen said that he also liked cranes and the cakes made by Han Zhen. She said that his brows were always slightly furrowed when he was asleep, that he would compose some little songs to sing when he was in a good mood, that he didn't like candied fruits, didn't like the strong smell of rouge on women, and that he was afraid of snakes and rats... Zhao Pei never knew these things. At that time, she finally realized that she had not cared about Fang Deng for a long time.
In the past, the role of mother was mostly played by Hanzhen. And Hanzhen was only three years older than him. She had noticed it from the moment Fangdeng requested to go to the war. But she had always thought that after Fangdeng returned triumphantly, she must take good care of him and make up for all the mistakes she had made in the past.
But she could never fulfill her wish. Fang Deng never came back. He sank into the cold river, his eyes slowly closed, and the smile on his lips gradually froze.
Zhao Pei didn't dare to ask for more details, fearing that she would not be able to bear it, but she knew that her Fang Deng was killed by Xiao Zhao. And Xiao Zhao was Xiao Tong's child. Many years ago, he was just a baby, lying quietly in his mother's arms. When Zhao Pei teased him, he would grab Zhao Pei's hanging hands and giggle. At that time, Zhao Pei would definitely not know that such a lovely child had now ended her child's life with her own hands.
In fact, at that time, everything that happens today was unimaginable.
The night was as dark as water, and her thoughts flew wildly, becoming more and more sad. In the end, she only felt powerless and hateful. She hated herself and Xiao Yi.
Zhao Pei felt as if a heavy stone weighed down her chest, and she could not breathe, so she had to sit up. This movement woke up Ziye, and Zhao Pei smiled sadly at Ziye's questioning eyes: "I've been lying down for a long time, and my body feels a little sore. I'll go out for a walk."
"Zi Ye will accompany you." Then he stood up.
Zhao Pei got off the bed and held her down: "Go to sleep. I want to take a walk alone." Ziye looked at her a little worriedly, and Zhao Pei said again: "I'm fine." It was not known whether she was comforting Ziye or comforting herself.
Her mind was empty, and she wandered aimlessly in the garden. Now everyone was asleep, and the house was so quiet that it seemed as if nothing had happened. It seemed as if her Fangdeng was still there. A feeling of powerlessness and frustration hit her hard. Zhao Pei took a few steps unsteadily, and fell down on the cold steps leaning against the red pillar. It was very cold at night, and she hugged her knees tightly and buried her head between her arms. She was used to comforting her wounded heart in this posture, and she had been doing so since she was a child.
She used to have her beloved brother. I remember when they were still young, Zhao Jie would carry a lantern and look for her in the streets and alleys, shouting "Pei Pei!" And just before Fang Deng left, he received news. After the city was captured, the Xu Mansion was looted, and no one survived the catastrophe, except himself who was far away in Jingzhou.
Now no one would indulge her willfulness and look for her everywhere. If Zhao Pei wanted, she could hide in one place for three or five days until she starved to death.
Fangdeng, her brother, her father, her second mother, her sister-in-law, Zhiyan, Xiao Tong, Xiao Yan... so many people left her, and she... became more and more lonely. Who else did she have left
Zhao Pei shivered and hid in a corner of the dark night, her whole body cold and numb. Frost and dew stained the corners of her clothes and moistened her eyes.
"Pepe." After an unknown amount of time, she heard someone calling her. Zhao Pei thought she was hallucinating and ignored it. But she heard someone calling her again: "Pepe." As soon as the words fell, a pair of big hands held her elbows and tried to help her up: "It's cold at night, what are you doing sitting here?"
Only then did he recognize that it was Xiao Yi's voice.
Zhao Pei wiped her face quickly, avoided his hand and stood up by herself with the help of a pillar. Xiao Yi frowned deeply and looked at her worriedly: "Are you okay? I'll take you back."
Zhao Pei looked up at him. His eyes showed something that could be considered worry, but nothing else. She was slightly stunned. She thought you would be a little sad or moved.
She turned her head away angrily and said, "I will go back right away. You don't need to bother me, Your Majesty."
"Are you blaming me? Blaming me for letting Fang Deng go to the battlefield?" Xiao Yi asked slowly from behind her. Zhao Pei paused for a moment, and after a while she came to her senses and murmured, "Your son is dead, and you are indifferent. I know what other thoughts you will have about you."
Behind him, Xiao Yi sighed softly, "I am also sad. He is my son after all. But I...can't be sad." Zhao Pei turned around in disbelief. Xiao Yi added, "Nowadays, every weakness may bring endless disasters. Even if I am sad, I can't let anyone know... Pei Pei, do you understand?"
"I don't understand!" Zhao Pei said firmly, "I don't understand, what could be more painful than this. You have many sons, but I only have this one son. Without him, my sky is gone. Without the sky, what else can I have?" Zhao Pei smiled bitterly, "Xiao Yi, as you said, is Fang Deng just a weakness of yours? For this country, for your ambition, you can give up everything, those you love and those you don't love, you can give up. But please don't say things that others can't accept so easily, okay? You don't know how cruel you are." Zhao Pei seemed to vent, and said it all at once. In the misty eyes, there was his silent eyebrows.
His heart was cold, his blood was cold. Facing Fang Deng's death, he acted as if nothing had happened. Zhao Pei didn't know what could still move him. She suddenly felt a little scared of him. Why should she stay with such a cold person
Zhao Pei shook her head in self-mockery, turned around and walked back with a shaky step. His steps were a little hurried, and he grabbed Zhao Pei's arm from behind. Zhao Pei's feet were weak and she fell into his arms. A familiar yet strange breath enveloped her in an instant. At that moment, both of them were a little stunned.
She didn't turn her head, staring straight ahead to try to break free from him. But Xiao Yi held her tightly and didn't let her move: "Listen to me, Pepe. You have to calm down..."
"How do you want me to stay calm?" Zhao Pei didn't want to listen to his hypocritical words. She had long been overwhelmed by the pain. "How do you want me to stay calm? Do you know who killed Fang Deng? It was Xiao Zhao, it was Xiao Zhao! He was Xiao Tong's child... I held him in my arms when he was little... What do you want me to do..." The sobbing Zhao Pei stopped struggling and leaned softly in his arms, her whole body trembling inexplicably.
Xiao Yi was silent for a long time, and gradually lost the strength in his hands and let her fall to the ground. "You..." He said one syllable, but couldn't say the rest. "That's Xiao Tong's child..." Why did that sentence make him suddenly full of anger? His Adam's apple rolled several times, and he clenched his fists and tried to calm himself down.
"Then calm down. I'll come to see you again when you're calm." After saying that, he left with a flick of his sleeves. He still hadn't said the words in his mind.
He originally wanted to say, you still have me. (To be continued)