His grief was heavier than I expected. Every day he lay on the table and slept, either doing his homework randomly or copying mine.
I really couldn't stand him, so I asked him to skip class together in the evening self-study, and the two went to the school's lotus pond to listen to frogs or toads.
I asked him how much he likes Tong Yunzhu and why he likes Tong Yunzhu. Yang Jun’s words are completely out of line. For a while, he said he liked Tong Yunzhu very sadly, but he didn’t understand why she didn’t like him. Then he was very angry and said that he was not like that. If you like her, you don't care who she is with.
I said: "You think you are better than that rascal, but why do you affirm your own excellence? Because you have good grades, you will definitely go to a famous university in the future, and you will have a brighter future. But if you start to feel tired of losing your love now If you study, then your grades will drop, you will not be able to get into a famous university, or even the key points. What qualifications do you have to think that you are better? Tong Yunzhu is playing outside, and her grades are not bad. She controls her life very well. Well, such a girl will definitely look down on a boy who can't control her life. If you don't like her, you should study hard, because sooner or later she will be a passing glance, how can you use your future life to accompany the passing away? If you like her, even more so You should study hard and prove that you are strong, so maybe she will like you one day in the future."
Yang Jun probably disagreed with my logic and asked, "What if I hate her?"
I sneered: "Then you should study hard. Only in this way can you become famous in the future, live better than her, and step on her feet."
Yang Jun was confused by what I said, looked at me stupidly, and I waved my hand: "I'm just your friend, I've fulfilled my obligations, and if you want to be decadent and depraved, I won't say a word of nonsense. Anyway, how to go, only you can decide, in this world, if you don't love yourself, no one will love you!"
After thinking for a long time in silence, Yang Jun suddenly said, "When I first heard that you were with Zhang Jun, I thought you would be under a lot of pressure, but now I suddenly feel that Zhang Jun is also under a lot of pressure."
I asked in confusion, "What do you mean?"
Yang Jun shook his head, staring at the pitch-black darkness in a daze, with a sadness no longer concealed on his face. At this age, because love is pure, so is sadness. Because of that sadness, Yang Jun seems to have grown a few years older suddenly, no longer the heartless when I first met him a year ago.
Growth seems to always be accompanied by pain, is it because only after being injured can scars form? When layers upon layers of scars wrap around our hearts, we become no longer easily injured or moved, and we grow up.
Yang Jun and I kept listening to the frogs croaking by the lotus pond until it was almost ten o'clock before we went back.
The next day, Yang Jun started to be full of energy again, shouting that he wanted to surpass Lin still and me, Lin still pursed his lips and smiled, and I said, "Don't talk empty words, let the horses come over."
The three of us, you chase after me, and I chase you to prepare for the mid-term exam.
I have studied very carefully and comprehensively. I can recite even the most hated politics. I still have no knowledge of English, but according to my usual feeling of doing the questions, I subconsciously think that this time there should be an improvement.
When the ranking of the test scores came out, the head teacher was very excited: "I have good news to tell you that there are nine classes in the whole grade, and three of our classes are in the top ten of the grade."
The students swiped and turned their attention to our triangle area.
"First of all, I want to congratulate Luo Qiqi, she is the first in our class and the first in the grade."
My classmates began to applaud, my mouth was open, I couldn't believe it, although I felt that my English paper was doing well this time, it was very different from the previous feeling after finishing the test, but I really didn't expect to be the first. And it is the realization of two first goals at the same time. God seems to be testing me on purpose, instead of giving me a little gradual process, suddenly throwing me from the darkness of despair into the splendid light.
The head teacher asked everyone to be quiet, and then said, "Lin is still the second in our class and the second in the grade."
Our classmates began to applaud again, and Lin still looked back at me with joy and excitement in his eyes. I was worried for a moment about how she would see my victory this time, but now I know, she is happy for herself and happy for me.
"Yang Jun is the third in our class and the tenth in the grade. Congratulations, congratulations!"
Yang Jun clenched his fists and cheered abruptly: "Finally in the top ten of the grade."
In his venting shouts, I truly accepted the fact that I have become the No. 1 in the first middle grade, because this achievement did not come easily. For the first time in my life, I experienced the joy of success, and I was so happy. I couldn't say anything, I only knew that Yang Jun and Lin still smirked.
Time has passed, and it has been many years in a hurry. I have forgotten a lot of things, but I still remember the joy of that time clearly. Success after hard work is the real success, and only such success can bring people real joy.
After school in the afternoon, Zhang Jun laughed when he saw me. He seemed happier than me. I knew he must have known the news.
He took the initiative to report: "Under the supervision of your little overseer, my grades have also reached the best in history, from grade seventy-eight last semester to grade thirty-five, but I have just advanced a little, and you have already reached the highest level. I went ahead and I was under too much pressure.”
I stuck out my tongue with a smile: "Just turn all the stress into motivation."
Zhang Jun smiled and sighed: "For the first time, I found out that you are a strong woman."
I asked, "How is Guan He doing in the test?"
Zhang Jun shook his head: "It's not very good, it's a bit down, the third place in the class, and the grade is in the twenties."
"That's nothing, probably didn't play well."
Zhang Jun smiled: "It's true that no one can compare with you, only up and not down."
I smiled bitterly: "How can things in this world be so easy? The setbacks I have experienced are not enough for outsiders."
Zhang Jun laughed, he didn't believe me at all, and I didn't bother to explain it for a while.
Zhang Jun asked me, "How about skipping class tomorrow afternoon to celebrate after taking the first grade exam?"
"OK!"
The next day, the two of us skipped our afternoon class to go skating at the new skating rink, and we ate dinner and watched a movie together again. Although I won the first place in the grade, he made more progress than me, so both of them were in high spirits and had a great time.
The joy of the mid-term exam was quickly diluted by the daily study. My life was still two-point and one-line, except for the addition of Zhang Jun.
In my first year of high school, I was used to being alone and allocating my time in an orderly manner, but in my second year of high school, there was Zhang Jun. At first, he just walked with me after school, but later he even came to pick me up from school, and we also had to be together on weekends. Unconsciously, he gradually eroded almost all of my extra-curricular time.
At the beginning, I was also delighted to be with him every second, but day after day, when all my time was occupied by him, when I found out that I was playing with Zhang Jun and Zhang Jun's friends, I had already I haven't played with Lin Yiran, Yang Jun, Shen Yuanzhe, Horseshoe, and Ma Li for a long time; when I found that my life was completely dependent on Zhang Jun, I began to feel a little depressed. Occasionally, I asked him tentatively if I could go out with Shen Yuanzhe and the others on weekends, and he would say in surprise, "Usually you are busy with your studies, so we can only talk when we go to and from school. Would you rather hang out with your classmates than hang out with your boyfriend?" I felt his displeasure and could only dismiss all thoughts immediately.
After New Year's Day, everyone began to prepare for the final exam.
I was under a lot of psychological pressure, because the results of the mid-term exam can be understood as a leap from quantitative change to qualitative change, but it can also be understood as I suddenly had shit luck and performed exceptionally well. Can I get the first place in the final exam? I am not sure, because I am not sure, so I work extra hard.
Psychological pressure and brain fatigue made me more urgently need time alone, so I had to talk to Zhang Jun and tell him my thoughts. Before final exams, we only meet on weekends, and usually, I want some independent space.
Zhang Jun didn’t understand very well. I explained to him that sometimes, I still need friends and classmates. Maybe when I was out of school, I wanted to discuss math problems with Lin still, but because you were waiting for me, I didn’t I want to talk to her more, she is too embarrassed to come to talk to me, and sometimes, I am very tired and need a space to be alone, do nothing, say nothing, think about nothing, and just play quietly by myself. Let the hair blow, look at the stars, and be in a daze.
I don't know if Zhang Jun really understood my thoughts, but he agreed to my request.
When the final exam results came out, I was the first in grade, Lin still fell back to seventh, Yang Jun was thirteen, Zhang Jun was still in his thirties, but Guan He's grades dropped to over thirty.
During the Chinese New Year, Zhang Jun and I went to Teacher Gao's house together. Teacher Gao was very happy: "I've been looking forward to the two of you coming together to greet me in the New Year. The three of us can get together again and have a good chat together."
My face was instantly hot, and I lowered my head. When Zhang Jun saw me blushing, he lowered his head and smiled.
Maybe Teacher Gao didn't mean what I thought, but when she saw our reaction, she immediately understood. She didn't show the same fear of puppy love like a normal teacher, but she was happy for us, cutting apples for us, and said with a smile: "I think you two are weird, you used to take remedial classes together and participate in competitions together. , the relationship should be better than other classmates, but neither of you cares about the other, but every year you always go with the front foot and the back foot, just like you made an appointment. And when you chat with me, you are always the same. If I'm not mistaken about the other party's news, you must have accidentally 'meeted' each year."
Facing Teacher Gao, my mood was very relaxed: "Where is it? I've seen it twice, once at Teacher Gao's house, he wants to enter the door, and I want to leave; another time downstairs, he is parking a motorcycle, I just happened to be Go downstairs."
Teacher Gao joked: "Remember it clearly. Although Qiqi has a good memory, she won't remember the details of who she met? Zhang Jun, what do you think?"
Zhang Jun didn't speak, just laughed.
Like many years ago, we chatted freely with Teacher Gao, and when we talked about my academic performance, I said: "During the midterm exam, I was a little worried that I was lucky, and after the final exam, I have nothing to worry about. ."
Teacher Gao said: "When I heard that you were the No. 1 in the grade, I was excited for a day and told every teacher in the office that the No. 1 in No. 1 High School was my student."
I smiled embarrassedly.
Teacher Gao asked with a smile: "You will be divided into arts and science classes next semester. Have you thought about which university you will go to in the future?"
I looked at Zhang Jun, and Zhang Jun said, "I haven't really thought about it. My dad and I have mentioned it twice, hoping that I will either study business or computer science."
Teacher Gao asked me, "Qi Qi likes Tsinghua University or Peking University?"
"Ah? Never thought about it." I kept thinking about being the first in the grade.
"No matter if the No. 1 in No. 1 Middle School is the provincial champion, Tsinghua University and Peking University will definitely pick it up casually. When you have time, you can consider which school is more suitable for you and which major is more suitable for you."
I smiled and said nothing.
After coming out of Teacher Gao's house, Zhang Jun has been silent. I asked him, "What's wrong? Why are you so silent all of a sudden?"
He smiled and said, "It's nothing."
I feel that he is in a bad mood, but if he doesn't want to talk, I don't want to ask. As I walked, I thought of some happy things to tell him.
Walking to a small shop, Zhang Jun suddenly stopped: "Ask you a question."
"Um."
"On this day last year, what were you thinking when you stood outside that shop and stared at the motorcycle? Why did you stand for so long?"
I froze for a moment: "Is that motorcycle really yours?"
"Um."
"You were in the store at the time?"
"Um."
Thinking of staring at his car stupidly, I felt a little embarrassed, and hummed, "I didn't think about anything, I just... just think of you."
Suddenly, I couldn't explain why, and I felt that Zhang Jun's mood had improved.
He said, "Since you were in high school, you haven't come out to play, and you haven't had a chance to see you during the winter vacation. Knowing that you will definitely give Mr. Gao New Year's greetings, I waited here specially that day to see you."
My heart moved gently for a while, and there was a warm and cosy feeling: "During the winter vacation the year before last, when I went downstairs, I saw you parked on a motorcycle. It wasn't really a chance encounter, was it?"
"Qiqi, do you still have so many 'random encounters' with other elementary school classmates? One encounter is a coincidence, three or four encounters depend on your intentions. How many times have you seen Guan He in the whole third year of junior high? Have you seen me? How many times? Don't you think you saw me too many times in the three years of junior high school?"
I said nonchalantly, "I... I thought it was my eyes following you."
Zhang Jun tugged on my hat for me: "It's too windy here, don't catch a cold, let's find a warm place."
We went to eat mutton kebabs, sat in front of the fire, and immediately warmed up. I bite into the mutton kebab, still thinking about the past.
Zhang Jun asked me: "Why have you been silent, what are you thinking about?"
"Um... um... I have a question for you, how many girlfriends did you have in the past?"
His face turned red rarely: "How many have you heard of?"
"Two, one is a kindergarten teacher, and the other is a dancer. Later, there were Chen Yinan and Tong Yunzhu, but I never saw you and Chen Yinan together. It should be the same as Tong Yunzhu, which was spread by classmates."
"I went out with Chen Yinan a few times, and my friends always joked about us and brought us together. I don't know why it became more and more true. I never asked her out alone, and she never asked me out. However, I occasionally write letters to me, all of them are ancient poems, and I can't understand them at all. Tong Yunzhu plays fiercely with boys, in fact, the person I have always liked is Hao Jian, and I have a 100% pure friendship with her."
"Then... what about the first two? Do you like them?"
Zhang Jun was very embarrassed and didn't want to say it, but he had to say: "The kindergarten teacher you mentioned, I had a good time with her, but what she liked was not me, but a buddy of mine, that buddy was a little careless, She was always very close to me on purpose to get mad at that buddy. When you met her drunk and crying, it was because that buddy was making trouble, and it had nothing to do with me. Later, she gave up and stopped interacting with us. "
Now recalling the past carefully, in the few pictures, the girl's eyes were always looking elsewhere, and it was true that it never really fell on Zhang Jun.
"There's only one girlfriend you've really dated, and the one you fought with is called Lin Yue." Zhang Jun was very embarrassed, "Can we stop talking about this?"
"No." The thing that bothered me the most was her. That flying red dress kept me haunted for many nights.
Zhang Jun had no choice but to continue to explain: "Once, I went to Xu Xiaobo's karaoke hall, and you and him were singing love songs, do you remember?"
I thought about it: "Remember." That's to celebrate your "abandonment."
"I thought you were with Xu Xiaobo at the time, it just so happened that Lin Yue was a little interested in me, she was also pretty, and a few buddies thought she was on time, so I was with her, she and we could play together. We had a lot of fun together..." Zhang Jun looked around and asked the boss for a cigarette, "You all know what happened later. I don't want to talk about the past, so don't ask about it in the future."
In the smoky haze, Zhang Jun's expression showed indifference, the appearance of "Little Jun" I had seen before, which made my heart hurt for a moment.
"Okay, I won't ask again."
I don't know what he did when he was with Xiao Liu, or what he went through in the Public Security Bureau. I only know that he was very concerned about the past and never mentioned it. Maybe he won't be willing to tell me until all the pain is really a memory, and I'm willing to wait patiently until then.
His expression softened slowly, put out the cigarette in the ashtray, stared at me, and said very solemnly, "You are not my first girlfriend, but you must be the last."
In the evening, I wrote for the first time in my diary: "I think Zhang Jun really likes me, and I feel very, very, very happy."
At that time, I was immersed in the cognition that Zhang Jun liked me with infinite joy, and enjoyed the happiness of love. But now, when I think of this diary, I only feel sad. I feel sorry for the sixteen-year-old Luo Qiqi and Zhang Jun at the same time. Zhang Jun probably never thought that the two of them had been together for so long, that he loved Qi Qi so carefully and wholeheartedly, but Qi Qi was not sure that he loved her until now. If he understands this, maybe he can understand Qi Qi's apparent strength and pretend not to care.
The young Qi Qi was very affectionate, but because of the deep feeling, he became more and more afraid. The inferiority complex in his heart was magnified. He always felt that Zhang Jun would fall in love with other girls at any time. In addition, he witnessed the tragedy of Ge Xiaofei and others in love with his own eyes. She has a strong sense of self-protection, and she reminds her rationally over and over to make her love pessimistic, like a nervous snail, ready to retract into her shell at any time. But the young Zhang Jun couldn't understand Qi Qi's complex psychology. He could only judge based on what he saw with his eyes, and came to the conclusion that Qi Qi didn't like him very much.
3
Doubts about love
This is our story, and we never expected the beginning of the story,
Nor did the story end, we blame it as fate,
In fact, all the joys and sorrows are written by us one by one.
Only when we look back can we see the cause of everything,
It is only when it is too late that one can figure out what was missed at that time.
After the second semester of Senior Two, the school was divided into arts and science classes. The original class remained unchanged and became a science class. Two new liberal arts classes were added, class (10) and class (11), and all the students who chose the liberal arts class were transferred. to these two classes.
The placement of arts and sciences has no effect on me, Zhang Jun or the best classmates around, because we all chose science.
Zhang Jun and I kept the agreement we reached last semester, and gave each other some independent space. We no longer walk together after school every day. Sometimes on weekends, I can also go out to play with Lin Yiran, Yang Jun, and Shen Yuanzhe.