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If one day we start to recall, it means that we are old, and if we start to review our past, it means that our hearts can no longer be hardened.
The first time I saw Gu Bowen was when I was ten years old. Although I may have forgotten all the memories around the age of ten, I was surprised when I saw him for the first time.
At that time, everyone was immersed in the days of Macau's return. When I walked out of the door, the streets were covered with national flags. When I came home from school, I found a strange boy standing in front of my house.
The teenager was wearing jeans and holding a woven luggage pocket. He found me and smiled shyly.
"Hello."
I dug out the keys from my backpack to open the door for him, not in the mood to see him.
He said, "It's Xiao Rui, we met at the reunion last year."
I opened the door to make way out, remembering what my neighbor aunt said yesterday, I asked curiously, "How long are you going to stay?"
Gu Bowen's smile was stiff, he called out Xiaorui, but didn't say anything else.
Gu Bowen is my aunt's child, and I usually only see it during Chinese New Year's reunion.
I walked into the room and turned on the TV and started watching cartoons. Gu Bowen put his luggage in a corner and sat next to me. He didn't know what to say, and I didn't want to say anything. The cartoon is very exciting and maybe he likes it too, and it didn't take long for his father to come back.
Father was not surprised when he came back, but he was surprised when he came back in a rage.
"You leave school at 5:30, and you didn't arrive until 6:30 when Bo Wen called. The school is only a block away from here. Where have you been in this hour? his room? His luggage is still outside. You don't even pour him a glass of water after taking the train for so long, how did I tell you this morning?"
Aunt Zhang Xiaoxia married beautifully in Guangdong for many years without contact. Unexpectedly, she divorced her husband last year. He entrusted Gu Bowen to his sister and brother-in-law's house to stay in Guangdong to work hard. I don't know how long this stay will last.
I rubbed my ears and went to my room. When passing Gu Bowen, I said, "Let's go."
Gu Bowen picked up the luggage and followed me to my room. Next to the desk in the room was a foldable wire bed, which was sent by my father more than ten days ago.
I don't have two beds in my room, but it's more than enough. I dragged out two plastic boxes from the bottom of the bed. I patted the dust on my hands and said, "My mother bought it for you. She said it's for clothes."
His face was so dark that he could barely see his eyes, but I found that he was really smiling, sincere and sad.
"Xiao Rui, thank you."
"No, my dad said that the two of you would put the bed together to sleep at night, but don't sleep over."
"… "
Not long after my mother came back, I was doing my homework in my room and listening to them nagging for a long time, pulling Gu Bowen and talking for a long time.
It was almost time to finish eating, so I put down my writing and was about to pull the door.
"Bowen, Xiao Rui's child just don't take it to heart."
My movements stopped, as if I wanted to listen.
"I'm so used to him, I'm not sensible at all, I'm about to be nine years old, and it's time to grow up."
There seems to be something blocked in my heart, I can't say why, it seems that something precious has been snatched away...
I stared blankly at the door.
Gu Bowen is fifteen years old. According to his age, he should go to the third year of junior high school, but he went to school early in G city, and even he himself asked to go to the first year of senior high school.
When we go to bed at night, our beds are pushed together, and I can't sleep at night, just like this day, like many nights.
I sleep with the light on every night, and if someone turns off the light when I'm not falling asleep, I'll wake up right away.
Gu Bowen came in from outside and turned off the light.
I said: Gu Bowen, turn on the light.
Gu Bowen didn't move.
I repeated impatiently and turned the light on.
Gu Bowen said, "Xiao Rui, I think we can talk."
I am all ears.
Gu Bowen said: "Children who sleep with the light on are insecure in their minds. I think we can try to get rid of them."
I didn't correct his familiar name either, I lay down and closed my eyes quickly.
He moved closer to me and took my hand.
In fact, many people do not know, I am afraid of the dark, afraid of thunder and afraid of sleeping alone.
That night, I didn't turn on the lights, but I slept soundly.
(two)
At night, we slept together and went to school together in the morning. The school was close, and he would pick me up after school.
On second thought, it would be nice to have an older brother.
In the spring of March, the surrounding trees are lush and green, and the school starts in a blink of an eye.
The study in the fifth grade is much more rigorous than that in the fourth grade. We hardly ever went to the toilet between classes. A blackboard was filled with review materials, and then they were erased and rewritten. In the fifth grade, a paragraph was added. Well, school hours have also been extended.
Before I knew it, when school was over, I walked out of the school gate slowly.
Gu Bowen did not come.
I waited at the door for ten minutes.
He still didn't come.
"Zhao Rui, are you waiting for someone?"
I glanced back, it was Yang Yi, my deskmate, who always called him when he was playing marbles.
I nodded and still looked around, this time I finally saw it in the crowd, Gu Bowen came over on a bicycle.
"Is Zhao Rui your brother?"
I thought about it and shook my head. "He was born to my aunt."
Yang Yi seemed to understand and nodded: "That's your cousin."
Gu Bowen's face is still very dark, as long as he smiles, he can't see his eyes.
At this time, there was a woman beside Yang Yi, who seemed to be his mother based on her age. I watched Yang Yi leave.
Gu Bowen was a little apologetic. He said, Xiao Rui, I'm sorry for being late.
I understood and turned around to go home.
Gu Bowen's voice came from behind him. He said, if someone asks again next time, Xiao Rui can say that I am my brother.
I was stunned, but he heard it.
That night, the evening wind was breezy, and after a while, the weather suddenly changed and it started to rain outside the window. The raindrops fell on the ground, the branches outside the window swayed with the wind, and the sky became darker and darker.
Although the window was tightly closed, the rumbling thunder still penetrated and echoed throughout the room.
I woke up from my slumber, a little gasp revealing my horror, and I huddled in the corner with my eyes open. I don't want to make any noise because I don't like anyone else to know that I'm actually afraid of thunder.
I covered my head with the quilt and shivered.
"Xiao Rui." It seemed that someone was pulling my sheets.
There are no lights, the night is dark, and I can't see the person in front of me.
The thunder continued, a flash of lightning flashed, I saw Gu Bowen's face, he was so close to me, I could even feel his breath.
He saw me calm down, he hugged me slowly, he comforted me, patted my back over and over again, and the tap of his fingertips seemed like a wave of electric current had entered my body.
That night, I heard a heartbeat, mine and his.
(three)
Many people attach great importance to the examination of Xiaoshengchu, and as soon as I go home after the examination, I will play in the dark. Gu Bowen accompanied me to watch it until the day the results were released. Accompany me to see my grades in the morning, and Gu Bowen has to go back to school in the afternoon for tuition.
He pulled me and kept saying, Xiao Rui, don't be nervous.
I looked forward a little speechlessly.
When he asked me if I wanted milk, I finally couldn't take it anymore.
I said: Brother, let's go quickly. I'm still rushing home to play games.
That year, the Legend of Sword and Fairy was well known to a few people, and those people were obsessed with the plot day and night.
Gu Bowen has stayed in C for a long time, his skin is still a little pale, and his facial features have become much deeper.
He smiled like a spring breeze.
I don't know if it was because of my brother who was moved, or because he just wanted to laugh when he heard my words.
When I found my admission number, name and ranking, I felt a trace of loss in my heart. It seemed that I was assigned to a school closer to me.
X University Affiliated Middle School.
"Xiao Rui, you didn't get one with me." Gu Bowen was a little disappointed.
I smiled and said, "That's great, you're such a mother-in-law, aren't I unlucky."
"Come here in high school."
"But you were gone then?"
Gu Bowen laughed a few times, and he said, Xiao Rui, you are so smart.
Gu Bowen caught the bus to school, and I chose to go home.
No one at home, I turned on the computer and started playing without a little time. It didn't take long for my parents to come back.
However, Gu Bowen still did not come back.
At 7:40, my father answered the phone.
After a simple chat, my father's expression was solemn and worried: "Bowen may not be back today." Father lit a cigarette and continued: "Their school has been quarantined, it seems that someone has a fever."
I asked, "Why quarantine?"
Father pondered for a while: "It has something to do with SARS."
Seeing that I still don't understand, my mother said, "In the past few months, there have been reports of dozens or hundreds of people dying every day."
My heart was blocked and panic, I don't know why a feeling of unease spread in my heart.
That year, SARS killed many people, and many families were devastated by the loss of their loved ones.
…
The next day, my father received a call from the school.
"I heard that the person with the fever is not SARS. Many people in the school have undergone medical examinations, and now the school is blocked."
My heart sank all of a sudden.
There are many people around the door in T, and the outside is full of ridicule. After a while, the school gate opened, and the students flocked. I searched the crowd over and over again for fear of missing his face.
I stood in the crowd, I finally saw him, he saw me.
It seems that the vast sea of people has already become transparent, and I only see him.
He didn't seem to be sleeping well, and his face was a little blue.
But he still smiled, with a somewhat polite look. He came to me, patted my head, and said with a smile, "Xiao Rui has come to pick me up?"
His hands were very warm, and I was in a trance when I patted him. I hugged him and stood on tiptoe. "Brother, that's great."
I was incoherent and didn't know what to say, and the breath in my heart was finally relieved.
After graduating from elementary school, my stature began to grow rapidly, but the distance from Gu Bowen was still very large.
Later, Gu Bowen told me that the school told them to drink herbal tea every day in order to prevent them.
Because of SARS, we escaped the military training in the first school year, so the second year of supplementary training went smoothly, with only seven days of military training.
But every day is like a year.
In this day with no communication and no relatives, I have had a very difficult time.
In my dream, I would ride a bicycle with Gu Bowen through the streets, he would treat me to ice cream in summer, and he would treat me to KFC in winter.
"Zhao Rui."
It seems that someone is calling me and I wake up.
Yesterday was the last day, and I'm going home today.
My heart is pounding, I want to go home, I miss him.
The school bus took us back to the school and then disbanded. I dragged my luggage to the school gate, stood in the center and watched the bustling crowd pass by. I looked around.
I watched my father walk towards me with a smile, but my heart skipped a beat.
Father said, tanned
I nodded and couldn't help but ask, "Where's Gu Bowen?"
Father said, "Go home?"
Looking at my father's expression, I felt a little uneasy: "Which house?" I heard the wind whistling, I couldn't hear my own voice, and I repeated it again. "Which house?"
My father patted my head: "Xiao Rui, your brother Bowen has returned to City G. Your aunt picked her up three days ago."
how is this possible
It's only seven days, why don't you wait for me to come back
I opened my mouth, but couldn't make a sound.
Everyone is gone, who should I tell you
Gu Bowen would come to pick me up from school every day and accompany me to school. Sometimes they give me a meal and take me to the square to play. The room's wire bed doesn't seem to be joined with my bed anymore, it's left cobwebbed on the side.
I don't know when, I lost the habit of sleeping with the lights on.
When the thunder struck, no one held my hand and coaxed me to sleep.
There was thunder outside.
I woke up suddenly.
Love doesn't know where to start, it goes deep.
(Four)
"What do you want for your birthday"
"Mobile phone." I think what I need is something that can communicate with other places.
The next day, I came to the mobile phone market. I saw a lot of mobile phone counters. The mobile phone salesman was very enthusiastic. I thanked him and refused his guidance.
I wandered around, stop-and-go, and finally stopped in front of a mobile phone counter with the three words Nokia written on it.
"Do you like Nokia?"
I looked up at the salesman, his skin was wheatish, his small flat head and eyes were very bright, and his appearance was unexpectedly not annoying.
Nokia seems to be very popular in recent years, and there are unexpectedly many slider phones around this year.
"I have no concept of cell phones."
"Whether you buy it for yourself or give it away," he said.
"Own."
"What price do you want?"
"Less than two thousand."
Then he enthusiastically gave me a promotion, one of Nokia's slider phones.
Seeing that he was so enthusiastic, I bought it logically, and chose the number together. After paying the fee, I went to him to pick up the goods.
He wrote down his phone number and name.
I glanced at it and said indifferently: "Thank you, I will contact you if my phone fails."
He said, "There is a warranty card in this box. If there is a problem, just follow the address above to find it."
So what he did was a little confusing.
"You can still keep in touch in the future." Then he quickly wrote his own *** on the paper.
I threw it away when I went out, plugged in the SIM card, and immediately saved my parents' mobile phone numbers.
Gu Bowen's number...
I dialed my father's number.
My father's voice rang on the other end of the phone, and I felt a little happy for a moment. I asked for Gu Bowen's number. As soon as I hung up, I saved Gu Bowen's cell phone number.
My fingertips holding the phone were trembling slightly, and I dialed the number.
The area above says City G.
This is a long-distance call, which seems to be very expensive. There was a beep on the other end of the phone. The beep sounded longer and longer, just like my current mood. In an instant, heaven and hell, I went back and forth between the two ends, and my heart beat faster.
"Hey."
I heard a familiar voice, the unfamiliar and familiar one on the other end of the phone, and my eyes were slightly warm.
"Hey?"
I couldn't control my voice, so dry and sad. "elder brother…"
"Xiao Rui?"
The other party also seemed shocked: "Is this your mobile phone number?"
"Brother, long time no see." I said softly.
"Xiao Rui, after I went back, I called a few times, but you were not there a few times. Actually, I really miss you..."
I touched my chest and said cautiously, "I miss you too..."
After a few simple conversations, I hung up the phone with some reluctance.
I don't know how long it started, but I think about him a lot. When I wake up in the middle of the night, it seems like I'll be empty when I reach for it with my hand. There's nothing, there was nothing.
A new message suddenly appeared on the phone, which was an unfamiliar number.
Are you gay
Because it is an unfamiliar number, I subconsciously think it should be a harassing text message, option → delete → goodbye.
Every day I receive a text message like an obligation, and I will happily save every text message from Gu Bowen. Sometimes it comes at night, sometimes at noon.
Unconsciously, there are more numbers in my phone book, but only one number is stored in the calling card, and they are all in this machine.
When the senior high school entrance examination is approaching, there are gradually more things to review, and the time to go home starts to become more and more late. Sometimes, I will think about some things.
I started to find that I was weirdly out of control and out of control.
With the excitement of the Super Girl turmoil that year, I was admitted to the C high school.
I was in a trance for a while while holding the transcript.
Gu Bowen, I was admitted to your former high school, as I said at that time.
I said, are you gone
What's the point of going there
The phone by the table vibrated, and it was a text message from Gu Bowen.
Did Xiao Rui go to vote
I picked up the phone and grinned, and voted for Li Yuchun.
(five)
Sometimes I would exchange a lot of text messages with Gu Bowen before I fell asleep with my mobile phone in satisfaction. I often have insomnia, maybe I will talk to him on the phone before he falls asleep. I know he will pick up no matter how late.
Recently, Gu Bowen's text messages and phone calls have been reduced a lot, and he hardly sent them until the end.
What is he doing
Or what
I couldn't help myself and dialed his number. Then, Gu Bowen said, he had a girlfriend.
I looked ahead, dumbfounded and lost.
Gu Bowen has a girlfriend, and he spends almost all of his time with his girlfriend.
What's wrong with me, I've asked myself more than once.
I am running away.
I will cherish the past with him, I will be sad that he is not by my side, and I will stare at the wire bed in a daze for a long time. I'll be gleeful at his phone, I'll check my phone anytime, I'll look forward to it. I will carefully hide my feelings, I will ignore my own cognition.
Maybe, like Gu Bowen.
I remembered a strange text message, are you gay
I remembered that a few years ago, I secretly opened Baidu to look up the meaning of gay, and then I was so scared that I shut down and even forgot to close the browser.
In fact, I should have understood that I was just escaping and being afraid, and I lived cautiously. Just since when? That feeling...
I remembered if it started when I stood in the crowd and looked at him for a few years
It started when I hugged him tightly when the thunder struck.
Or earlier, when I left school that day, I saw him on the corridor holding a big woven bag
The military training in the first year of high school takes ten days. I handed over my mobile phone and will not have any contact with the outside world for these ten days.
"Zhao Rui."
When I turned around, it was a fair boy about the same age as me. He looked familiar to me but couldn't remember his name.
He said his name was Yang Yi.
I suddenly remembered, is it the one from elementary school
He talked to me a lot, and most of them complained. At the beginning of junior high school, his grades began to decline. He had to work hard to get into this school, but the situation in the future was not optimistic.
I laughed at him and said that you seem to be very poor yourself.
Yang Yi was taken aback and said, Zhao Rui actually looks good when you smile.
I started to be in a trance. Now my height is about 1.7 meters. If Gu Bowen remains the same, I should reach his chin now, and my facial features have begun to open, fading away from the immaturity of a child, with a unique youthful youthfulness. .
Yang Yi talked to me about a lot of things, such as constellations.
He stopped chattering: "Zhao Rui, how old are you?"
"November."
"You're a Scorpio. Extreme and headstrong."
I continued to line up, I didn't want to talk to him too much.
Yang Yi came over and said, "Zhao Rui, you are actually gay."
I am very familiar with this word. This is the second time I have heard it. There is a kind of fear of being seen through. I pretend to be calm and try my best to be calm.
"What is gay?"
"…nothing."
(six)
In the third year of high school, I would occasionally stop the clock during the review day and night. I didn't contact Gu Bowen. Will Gu Bowen think of me
How is he and his girlfriend? Are you still together
I try not to think about it, not to care, I leave my phone at home for many days.
I felt my seat rock and I thought the person in the back was kicking my stool again, I looked back and my seat was a few centimeters away from his table.
I can't react a little, but I'm very open to find the shaking.
"earthquake."
I don't know who shouted, we left the seats and quickly left the classroom like running out of the playground, I arrived at the playground with the crowd.
I stood in the center of the playground and looked at the dazzling crowd around me, almost the whole school came down, and the playground was noisy.
We stayed in the playground for a few hours, the school finally let us go, I don't like to get too close to others, I waited for the people around me to walk almost, I stood up, stretched my limbs, stretched my muscles and bones, I am He walked slowly towards the school gate.
"Xiao Rui."
There are not many people around, but enough to see clearly, Gu Bowen is standing opposite. His facial features were much more mature than before, he stood up straight in a suit, and his wheat-colored skin had the air of a mature man.
Seemingly seeing that I didn't answer, he called my name loudly.
Many people passed by among us, I stood quietly in the crowd, the passers-by around were blurred, and I only saw him. The softest part of my heart ushered in a warm current of pain, which I seem to have dreamed countless times. I'm wondering about the veracity of this.
My eyes were hot and my cheeks were wet.
I walked towards him, each step seemed firm and heavy.
I said, "Isn't my brother in City G?"
He said, when I heard the news, I rushed over by plane.
In my heart, I hugged him, and I said, thank you, brother, thank you.
I repeat it over and over, with my heartbeat, over and over and over and over again.
I heard his heartbeat and seemed to miss a beat, just like mine.
At that time I had an idea, would he be the same as me.
I still have his text messages.
That night, we put the wire bed together again, just like many years ago, I don't know how long it has been since I became familiar with a person's loneliness, no longer afraid of the dark, no longer afraid of thunder, I'm growing up slowly .
This night, I lost sleep, and I seem to be able to feel the sound of breathing on the side.
Desire will always erode him in the dark night, maybe he is really possessed at that time.
Maybe Gu Bowen also likes himself. Otherwise, he wouldn't have run over to see himself in the first place.
I couldn't help kissing him, I knew he was too close beside me, I remembered his smell, his breath.
The moment I stuck out my tongue, he woke up suddenly and pushed me away.
I was panicking. I couldn't see his expression clearly, and I cried.
I couldn't hear what he said, my ears were ringing, and a feeling of fear filled my heart, and I stared blankly as he left.
I remembered the moment I asked him how long he lived many years ago when he picked up the key to open the door. I seemed to understand the bitterness in his smile, but his parents had to force a smile when they were separated from others.
The moment Gu Bowen turned off the light for me many years ago.
Years ago there was thunder outside the window and he hugged me tightly and gave me warmth.
In the year of SARS, I was overjoyed to see him come out at the school gate.
That year, he accompanied me to see the transcript.
I was wrong, and if I took one wrong step, I lost the whole game.
He's just an obligation, an obligation to his younger brother, he doesn't like me at all, he's not gay. And now I'm not even a brother.
How would he think of me now, I'm not surprised.
I huddled myself in a corner like many times when I was a kid.
(seven)
I didn't go to college after high school, I wanted to travel, travel to various cities, and meet various people. I meet many people every day, learn a lot of knowledge, and do work in different industries.
Let your heart settle down on the journey.
I have met all kinds of people, I often go to gay bars to play, I know the lives of many comrades, they are obviously not going to end, but they still fall in love regardless of their lives, knowing that they are moths to the flames but still endure Don't stop, go into that piece of your own demise.
I thought I would change my orientation on the trip but I found out I was wrong and the more I run away the more I miss it.
So unforgettable and so unforgettable.
Occasionally there will be a show, and occasionally someone will prescribe medicine, but I have always kept myself clean.
If one day I am straight, I will find a good girl and have a complete family with children.
The phone vibrated in my pocket and I connected.
My father said, Xiao Rui will come back next week, your brother Bowen is getting married.
No one will stop for you, only you will stop there. Life goes on and no one is waiting for you.
I thought I and Gu Bowen would spend their whole life as bachelors.
However, he is getting married.
The wind picked up, blowing the dust from the ground, it floated in the sky and disappeared in the air.
My thoughts went back to a night many years ago. Gu Bowen said that children who sleep with the light on are insecure in their hearts.