At the end of the song, Cheng Yan still couldn't recover. In the midst of the crowd, he suddenly wondered what he looked like at the moment, so he couldn't help turning his head to look at the big screen.
This smile, turned around and aroused a wild cry.
The female singer also came over to do the talk together with a smile, and asked Cheng Yan how he felt. The two made jokes, and talked about that many of the people who came to the concert at Christmas were couples. The female singer asked Cheng Yan what type of woman he liked.
Cheng Yan smiled, and after thinking for a while, he omitted the word "woman": "The ideal type... understanding, cute, and good-looking." It was the first time he mentioned his favorite woman in public. type, the following immediately became excited.
This is also the company's arrangement, let Cheng Yan create some ambiguity between men and women, which can be regarded as indirectly denying gay love.
"However..." Cheng Yan said, "Do you feel that there is often a gap between ideal and reality in love?"
The female singer was a bit overwhelmed, this topic should be the end of the topic, but unexpectedly Cheng Yan began to make use of it.
"Ah? Really?" That's all she could say.
Cheng Yan nodded affirmatively: "Not everyone will fall in love with their ideal type, as if poured out of a mold." He turned to the audience and asked them: "Is your other half? Is it the original ideal type?" ?”
There was a burst of laughter below, and some girls had already screamed: "Cheng Yan! I love you!"
Cheng Yan waved to them and smiled, then said very seriously: "If the other half is your ideal type, congratulations, this fate is not easy; if not, congratulations, a person is not your ideal type, But you still don't want to let him go, you must love him very much."
After saying this, he returned the stage to the protagonist.
It was not his usual style to say these words. In the past, he wished he could hide Xia Shaoqian in the basement, not wanting others to notice any details, but on this day he suddenly had the desire to confide in him. No matter how obscure it is, he wants to talk about it.
It was already late at night when I got home, Cheng Yan was a little dazed from exhaustion, went in and turned on the light to change his shoes, went straight to the refrigerator to get a drink, then went to turn on the water heater, walked around and suddenly heard "Cheng Yan".
It was Xia Shaoqian's voice.
Cheng Yan was so frightened that he almost jumped up: "... Oh!"
Xia Shaoqian sat by the sofa with a bouquet of flowers beside him, with a gloomy expression on his face. In his imagination, it should be Cheng Yan who opened the door and saw himself when he turned on the light. As a result, Cheng Yan didn't know whether it was because he was overtired or because he was distracted, but he didn't even notice.
It was only then that Cheng Yan remembered that he had given Xia Shaoqian the key, and Xia Shaoqian could hardly come here before, so he forgot about it afterwards.
"Our appointment is tomorrow."
Xia Shaoqian held up the flowers: "This is a surprise."
The long-stemmed rose wrapped in brown paper looks cute and innocent under the light.
Cheng Yan finally walked over. They hug each other.
"Thanks."
"sorry."
Two people said at the same time.
The fallacies that had been accumulating for a long time were easily corrected at this moment.
They did nothing tonight. Cheng Yan was too tired, Xia Shaoqian was not much better, and they had a lot to say slowly.
"Do you remember when we first met?" Cheng Yan asked in a low voice. They lay on the bed, turned off the lights, and the silhouette of each other was hazy in the darkness.
Xia Shaoqian was not too happy to mention this matter. Cheng Yan held his hand: "Believe me, I'm more embarrassed than you to mention this."
"Then you still mention it." Xia Shaoqian was upset, he put his arms around Cheng Yan and kissed him.
"Don't think about that, it's my fault..." Xia Shaoqian said.
Cheng Yan listened quietly, and finally said: "At that time, I wanted to be popular too much. And I always felt that I was smarter and better acting than those popular young people. The more I thought about it, the more I didn't want to suffer anymore Seniority. Just then you found me."
Xia Shaoqian hugged him.
"Xia Shaoqian... the first time you looked at me as if you were looking at a thing, a commodity. Do you remember?"
Xia Shaoqian couldn't answer. He really decided to continue with him after he felt that Cheng Yan was very suitable for him after doing it for the first time. He doesn't quite remember what it was like the first time he did it. If he cherishes it very much the first time, he will never forget it...
Cheng Yan's back trembled uncontrollably, they pressed closer, Xia Shaoqian comforted him. Cheng Yan finally spoke again.
"At that time, I just wanted to maintain a relationship with you..."
Xia Shaoqian smiled: "Until I forced you to say I love you?"
Cheng Yan asked back: "Were you satisfied at that time?"
"I don't know." After Xia Shaoqian had a big fight with Cheng Yan that day, recalling the beginning, he vaguely felt Cheng Yan's reluctance.
"But now I'm really content," he said.
"I only know you because of vanity and selfishness, don't love me as someone you imagined." Cheng Yan was sure that he would only say this sentence once, and he finally said it.
Xia Shaoqian was silent, and kissed Cheng Yan again and again, he didn't know what to say. He had indeed fantasized that Cheng Yan was a perfect lover, but this is better now, much better than the exact but cold perfection he imagined.
They fell asleep talking in low tones and kissing.
The next day, the two of them went fishing in the suburbs, watching wild birds, and dropped by a private restaurant recommended by Zhu Feiqing. After the heavy snow in winter, the weather is clear and clear. Cheng Yan hasn't been so relaxed for a long time, he will look at Xia Shaoqian after a while.
Xia Shaoqian also always looked at him.
Neither of them caught a few fish.
Go home and watch a movie next night. I watched Director Luo's literary film starring Cheng Yan. Cheng Yan has watched this movie twice, but it seems more interesting to watch it with Xia Shaoqian.
Xia Shaoqian doesn't like literary films very much, at first he was a little distracted, he would touch Cheng Yan from time to time, and asked Cheng Yan to hold down his hand to make him behave; but later on, he gradually took Cheng Yan more seriously than Cheng Yan. They drew the curtains, and when Cheng Yan occasionally looked at him, he found that the expression on that face was gloomy and depressed.
Although Cheng Yan was surprised, he didn't interrupt him, but just held his hand.
The content of this movie is not complicated. Cheng Yan played an ordinary young man. It’s just that he had learned the violin for many years, and was forced by his mother to practice the piano since he was a child. As he grew older, he became more and more disgusted with practicing the piano, but his mother insisted that the child was talented, but he began to be disgusted and suspicious of his mother.
"I'm not a genius! It's impossible to be a genius! I just want to be an ordinary person! An ordinary person!" He cried to his mother, and finally abandoned practicing the piano, broke with his mother, and studied and worked like an ordinary person.
Many years later, his mother suffered from depression. In order to comfort his mother, he picked up the violin again.
This time, he was not pulling for any purpose, just for his only audience in this world.
At the end of the movie, the melodious and melodious sound of the piano is heard in the simple folk houses. The warm sun in the autumn afternoon shines on the glass windows, and the camera slowly pokes in. The mother by the window suddenly raised her head slightly, her eyes suddenly brightened—she finally caught the voice from the outside world.
It wasn't until the end of the subtitles that Xia Shaoqian lowered his eyes. Cheng Yan didn't open the curtains.
"What's wrong?"
Xia Shaoqian thought of his mother. Even with Qiu Yunnan, he never mentioned the entanglement between himself and his mother. He didn't want to say it, he thought he would never tell others in his life.
"I told you... my mother was religious."
Unknowingly, the two of them changed their postures. Xia Shaoqian lay on his back in Cheng Yan's arms, Ren Chengyan put his arms around his shoulders, and the two of them stuck together, feeling at ease and comfortable.
"I remember," Cheng Yan said, "she seems to be very strict?" He remembered that Xia Shaoqian said that if he forgot to pray, he would be scolded. It may be difficult for such a mother to accept that her son is gay.
Sure enough, Xia Shaoqian said: "I was probably at the age of rebellion at that time... Now that I think about it, I also had that time."
"When you rebelled?"
"Well. I actually told her directly and clearly that I like men. In fact, thinking about it now, even if she doesn't believe in religion, a normal mother probably wouldn't be able to accept that her son likes men..." Xia Shaoqian shook Cheng Yan's hand, which was his The reason for not forcing Cheng Yan to come out to his family.
"...But I was already overwhelmed by her at that time, and I enjoyed the happy feeling when I pointed it out to her-shattering her order and belief. I knew how exciting it was to her at the time, how much It's cruel, but I can't bear it."
He paused, and Cheng Yan couldn't help asking: "What happened next?"
Xia Shaoqian smiled wryly: "She thought I was possessed by the devil. It was summer vacation, she locked me in the room for a month, beat me with a ruler every day, and only gave me a Bible...but I didn't think it mattered, Whether it's confinement or corporal punishment, it's not like I didn't have it when I was a child, and the degree was aggravated. I don't think she has new and more powerful methods to deal with me. Kick me out of the house? I really wished for it at that time."
Cheng Yan couldn't say anything.
"But then," Xia Shaoqian made a strange sound from his throat, "she started to harm herself."
"She has a chronic headache—this is also inherited from me; it was probably stimulated by me. She had a headache almost every day for a while. At first she took medicine to rest, but my attitude didn't soften at all. She finally went crazy...One day I heard a muffled bang on the wall—she was hitting the wall. She was banging her head on the wall one after another, and my father was holding her and she was screaming and beating... You never saw how she looked in church Dignified and noble, really, all relatives and friends who know her say that she is dignified and elegant... "
Xia Shaoqian couldn't continue. Cheng Yan hugged him: "Xia Shaoqian... don't think about it, don't think about it!"
He turned on all the lights in the room, and in an instant all the darkness was dispelled, and the past was left behind. Xia Shaoqian's complexion gradually recovered, and Cheng Yan looked at him intently: "Is it better..."
Xia Shaoqian sat up slowly. He thought that digging out the past would tear open the wounds of many years, but it was strange that after being sad and exhausted, there was actually a lazy and peaceful feeling.
Cheng Yan was watching him worriedly, and that was enough.
"Are you going to pity me again?" Xia Shaoqian asked in a low voice.
Cheng Yan hesitated, he still remembered that slap.
Xia Shaoqian stroked his face: "I'm sorry... I just now feel that it's good to have someone who can listen to me."
"I can't see someone I like suffering, even the past suffering." Cheng Yan finally whispered.
Xia Shaoqian hugged him: "Cheng Yan..." He wanted to say that sentence, but he didn't want to say it easily like in the past, he wanted to say it more solemnly.
"I know, me too."
Cheng Yan already understood.