I began to tell that I fled from Nanjing all the way to Guangzhou, and then escaped from Guangzhou again. I was smuggled at sea, narrowly escaped death, met Xiaofeng, was treated like a slave trader on a smuggling boat, and then wandered at sea, and hungry and thirsty. The weather, the struggle with the sea, told Qiao Qiao bit by bit.
I've held it in for too long!
Really held back for too long! !
At the beginning, I just spoke in a low, slow, and even calm tone, but later, my speaking speed began to speed up, my face became gloomy, and then the resentment, helplessness, and struggle in my heart... Emotions erupted all at once.
My emotions were also infected by what I said... I was excited, angry, and sad... When I said that I killed someone... My tone became obviously indifferent... I took out my cigarette subconsciously, but when I thought of Knowing that smoking is not allowed on the streets of Vancouver, I put away my cigarettes again.
Instinctively, I feel a little uncomfortable!
"Qiao Qiao... I feel that I am not myself anymore." I smiled slightly, the smile on my face was a little sad, but I was actually struggling in my heart: "For myself now, I can treat two people who have nothing to do with me. Slaying a knife... killing people! This is killing! Do you understand? I really did it! And my heart was very peaceful at the time! When that person was struggling under my knife, lying on the ground twisting and twitching, I even felt There was no fluctuation at all... But after going back, I vomited for a long time... "
Facing Jojo, facing this best friend of mine, I spoke my mind.
"I feel like I'm not myself anymore."
Qiao Qiao didn't speak, she just looked at me quietly, with no expression on her face, after I finished speaking, she was silent for a while, and suddenly said to me: "Take off your clothes."
"Um?"
"Take off your clothes and let me see your scars."
I took a look at Qiao Qiao, and saw determination in her eyes, and there was a trace of undoubtedness in her eyes. I hesitated, and started to unbutton my shirt.
On my chest, shoulders, and arms, those scars have healed for a long time, and most of them were stitched up by doctors, one by one, which is a bit shocking! Qiao Qiao narrowed her eyes and stared at me for a full minute. She seemed to be a little absent-minded, and slowly stretched out her hand, and gently stroked a scar on my shoulder...
This is a scar on my shoulder blade that almost killed me! The doctor said that if the knife cut deeper and turned a little bit to the left, my arm would be useless.
From this point of view, my luck is really good.
The corners of Jojo's eyes seemed to be twitching, and her fingers touched the scar on my shoulder all the way down, and then turned behind me.
I have bullet holes in my back from that shotgun shot in Guangzhou. Fortunately, it was just an earthen gun, and what was shot out was iron sand, otherwise, I would have died long ago.
There was water in Qiaoqiao's eyes. She turned her face sideways, wiped away her tears quietly, and smiled at me quickly. She smiled calmly, and then asked me in a soft tone: "Xiao Wu, I ask you a question."
"What?"
"Why haven't you contacted us?"
I thought about it, and smiled bitterly: "What's the use of contacting? Am I still me now? I'm not that Chen Yang, not that Xiaowu! I'm a bastard now, a real gangster... a murderer guilty!"
Snapped!
There is no sign at all! A slap mercilessly hit my face! Qiaoqiao raised her hand before she could put it down, and looked at me with vicious eyes: "I really want to fuck you!"
I was speechless and looked at Miss Qiao.
"If..." Qiao Qiao took a deep breath: "If I, or Aze, or Wood... If one day, we also encounter such a desperate situation... We kill people and set fire to the end of the world... At that time, you will still not Will you continue to think of us as friends?"
"Yes! Of course I will."
Qiao Qiao looked at me: "That's fine! So if you dare to say what you said just now... I will still slap you! Believe it or not!"
I rubbed my cheeks. Fortunately, Miss Qiao was merciful. I didn't use any real force this time, but there was a burning sensation on my cheeks.
The two of us were tired from standing, and I opened my clothes. Pedestrians who occasionally passed by on both sides couldn't help casting curious glances. I thought about it, and pulled Qiao Qiao into a small alley beside the road.
Then I found a fire escape next to a low-rise building. The fire escape went straight to the top floor, but it was a little rusty, and two of the floors were locked, but it was useless for someone with my skills. I climbed up easily, and then pulled Jojo to jump up.
This is a three-story building, and the two of us easily reached the roof of the building. It is very quiet here, there is silence everywhere, the environment is a little dark, and there is a lot of dust on the ground.
I spread my suit on the floor and sat down next to JoJo.
I have to say that as a seaside city, Vancouver has a beautiful night sky. There is no dust that blocks the sky in those big cities in China, and the sky is not gray.
We were back to back, looking at the sky, all silent.
After a while, Qiao Qiao said, "But why didn't you even contact Yan Di and the others?"
I trembled a bit.
Yan Di... Yan Di...
This is almost the softest part of my heart.
"Do you know that when the news that you were dead came back, we all carefully kept it from Yan Di and didn't dare to tell her the slightest bit. But such a situation without news is even more tormenting! That girl started crying every day, then stopped crying, but... since you left, she hasn't smiled once... not once."
"She...how is she?"
I heard my voice shaking... and my heart shaking too.
Qiao Qiao didn't answer me directly, but sighed first. There seemed to be a lot of meaning in her sigh.
"Not only Yan Di, but also your female boss, Fang Nan." Qiao Qiao said slowly: "Her background is not simple... Basically, she can get the news we got. Presumably she also got the information about The news of your death... Did you know? I heard that she seemed to faint from crying and lay in the hospital all day. Then... I took Yan Di back. Now Yan Di is with us, Yan Dee is living in my house now. Living with me, I don't want to describe what she looks like now... just... have you ever seen a flower wither? That's what she is now! If not still insisting on waiting for news from you... I'm afraid she I couldn't hold it any longer."
My heart was pulled hard again!
"Why don't you contact them? At least make a phone call and report that you are safe!"
I was silent.
This is the roof, no one around. I was finally able to take out the cigarette, and lit one for myself with slightly trembling hands. Just after taking a puff, Jojo took the cigarette away from my mouth and inserted it into his own.
I smiled wryly, and re-ignited one for myself.
A bitter taste in my mouth... I know, it's not from the tobacco.
Yes, why don't I contact Yan Di and Fang Nan? Why didn't I even send back a phone call or a safe message
Why?
because…
Because I'm a jerk!
Yes, because I'm an asshole! asshole! !
These days...or these days, this question has always been a taboo in my heart! I even forced myself time and time again, not allowing myself to think in this direction... because every time I think about it, I feel that I am really a jerk!
I smoked a cigarette almost non-stop, and the cigarette butt lit up under my puff, like sparks.
Finally, the cigarette at the fingertips burned to the end.
"What can I do?" I smiled wryly, feeling the muscles on my face stiffen.
I turned my head and looked into Qiao Qiao's close eyes: "Qiao Qiao, my current situation is very special..."
Then, I started talking to myself in a general way:
"I'm under too much pressure now... I can't go back. Once I go back, there are only two ways. First, my identity will not be exposed, but Brother Huan will kill me. Second, my identity will be exposed, and those people know me If I'm not dead, they'll kill me too... I can't go back! At least not now!
Yes, I have hatred in my heart! Not reconciled! There is resentment! I made up my mind that one day I will go back! I want to take everything back with my own hands! This is what I have made up my mind a long time ago!
But... how long will it take
Here I am now, with no roots, no background! I can only fight with my own life! Go for it! How many years will I have to wait before I can get ahead! Can you get to a certain position and return to the country with your head held high
three years? five years? eight years? ten years
neither knows! Moreover, who can guarantee that in the days when blood is licked on the knife edge, I can survive safely until the day I succeed
Maybe, one morning, I will be shot to death on the street!
I've been down this road...it's a road of no return! A road of no return!
Then, I should let Yan Di... well, and Fang Nan!
What should I tell them to do
I can brazenly say to them: You wait for me! wait me back! At the most ten or eight years later, I will definitely come back—if I am still alive and become famous!
Is it possible
How long is a woman's youth, a woman's precious years? How many years? ? and I! I don't know what will happen tomorrow today!
How can I brazenly say such things to two women who love me? Make such a request? ? ? ? "
Qiao Qiao was sighing, she looked at me with sparkling eyes: "So... you are..."
"No!" I knew what she was going to say, but I immediately denied it: "But I'm not that noble... In fact, I even feel sorry for my meanness, my cowardice... I even despise myself!"
Yes... If I am a noble person, I am a selfless person, then I should call and tell them... Just like many movies, TV, and many stories, tell them not to wait for me, find a good one by yourself Let's get married! Stop wasting your youth for a desperate murderer like me, and find new happiness by yourself... If I am really noble and selfless, I will tell them unselfishly and let them forget me!
But…
I can not do it!
I really can't do it! !
I love Yan Di... even I find that Fang Nan is not heartless!
The more I fell into desperation, the more I missed my family and them! Sometimes, that kind of intensity, that kind of longing, even tortured me so much that I couldn't die!
I am not a noble person!
If I were to be like the heroines in those movie stories, let them forget me and find new happiness... such things, such things, I can't say it!
Frankly speaking, I can't bear it!
I can't face that situation!
Let me push the woman I love the most into someone else's arms with my own hands? ? I can't do something like that! !
I'm in a dilemma!
On the one hand, I know that I am in such a state of desperation now, and the future is far away. It is very unfair to them to let them wait like this and waste their youth for me!
But on the other hand... I'm really selfish! I love my women so much, I really can't do the kind of thing that tells them to leave me... I can't say anything like that! I am greedy for every ounce of love and warmth they give me...
I…
Really not a nice guy!
I am already a person walking on the edge... Now, this love in my heart is almost the only remaining bit of humanity and hope for life in my heart...
Under such circumstances, how can you make me "noble"! How can you let me take the initiative, be "selfless", let myself let go, and give up this little hope
I am not a saint.
I'm just an ordinary person, I'm not that noble, I'm not that selfless... I'm even a little selfish... But I really don't want to!
This is the contradiction in my heart all the time!
I really can't force myself to make a decision right now!
Under such circumstances, it's not that I don't want to contact them... but... I dare not!
Yes, you put me in touch with them and what did you say to them? How to say
Tell them to wait for me? But can I make two women who love me sacrifice for someone like me
Tell them, let them give up on me, don't wait for me... But, in that case, it is tantamount to letting me give up the last hope of life in my heart...
what should I do? What can I do?
I looked at Qiao Qiao with a wry smile, and I felt that the pain in my eyes could no longer be hidden.
"You tell me, what should I do? To the left? Or to the right? I don't know what to say, so... I have been unable to make this call."
Qiao Qiao took a deep breath, stared at me for a while, then shook her head slowly, and said, "I... I don't know what to do... It's hard, really hard."
Some people may say that I am selfish, that I am too mean.
But that's because they didn't have an encounter like mine! Because they have not encountered a desperate situation!
People are in a desperate situation, in a real desperate situation... When you have no relatives and almost nothing... You can still act as if nothing happened, very noble, noble, or very great... Tell your most cherished relatives , Tell them not to wait for me, let me fend for myself!
A person who is really in a desperate situation, even if he grasps a little bit of hope—even if it is just a little bit of hope, he will instinctively hold on tightly!
This is no longer a question of selfishness...it's human nature, nature!
This question is... hard.
It's really tough…