Where do I lie
Why is it so dark all around...
I vaguely seemed to hear someone talking, but I couldn't clearly hear what the other person was saying.
I'm a little tired, forget it, don't listen anymore, I feel like I should disappear soon, but before disappearing, I always have to think about my life.
My life... is actually quite interesting.
I never knew who I was.
So, naturally I don’t know what my name is.
Maybe, I don’t have a name.
It's so strange, how can there be people without names? In my opinion, it seems that everyone in this world has their own name.
But unfortunately, I didn't.
I can't remember why this happened, I just have a vague memory, it seems... One day a long time ago, I gave my name to someone else.
willingly.
I feel so stupid, how could I give my name away willingly...
I don’t know, maybe there is a reason.
Alas, my thoughts seem to be a little confused, let me sort them out... In fact, these things always echo in my thoughts. They seem to be very important, but I can't think of them. I just can't think of them. There is no way.
All I can think of is my childhood.
My childhood, I define it as the life before the age of twenty. In this ordinary world, like other children, I experienced school, played, and played seemingly childish games again and again.
But people around me always seemed to tell me that I should study hard, do this, do that... I was a little bored at first, until one day, I looked at the rain falling from the sky, and suddenly I was curious about why it rained. What is it again.
My teacher gave me the answer to this question. Perhaps from that day on, I have been full of curiosity about the world and everything. I like to ask why and get the answer, which will make me very satisfied.
For this satisfaction, I began to read and study seriously. It seemed that there was a desire pushing me to learn all the unknown things.
Every time I gain new knowledge, every time I understand a why, I feel very happy and joyful. I feel that I am a lot different.
Perhaps because it is too ordinary, I am more obsessed with this kind of difference that I think is different, so I study harder and master all the knowledge I can master.
This kind of life lasted until I was twenty years old. At that time, I always wanted to show off, whether it was in front of friends, teachers, or the opposite sex.
I always seem to want to show that I am different, and even deep down in my heart, I always feel that I am different from others.
Although... I don't have outstanding appearance, I don't have a rich family, I am just an ordinary existence among all living beings, but this does not affect the fact that there is a little bird living in my heart.
This little bird, flying freely in the sky, is my sustenance and the wings that make me feel special.
But in the final analysis, I was still somewhat polarized at that time. The leap of thinking and the ordinary reality made me like silence most of the time.
It was also at that time that I met a girl who was a classmate in the class next to me, and it was also my first crush in my life.
Secret love is happy, but secret love is also bitter.
But I am willing.
Because this makes me like to express myself more, all the time... I still remember that time, it seemed that expressing myself was the instinct in my life. I even longed to be a hero, longed to be the darling of the world, longed to be able to Being in the spotlight attracted her attention.
Therefore, every time I gave a speech, I worked very hard and was obsessed with it, until this secret love ended.
It ended without any problem, and the other party didn't know in the end that I was secretly in love with her.
On the day of graduation, I was very sad and tried to muster up the courage, but in the end... I lowered my head silently. Maybe it was a curse. In the subsequent studies at a higher level, I still fell in love with her secretly again.
During this period, I also fell in love with fortune telling. Every time I was unhappy, I would find a fortune teller, sit in front of him, and take out a little money.
There is a little trick here, that is, you cannot give it first, and then you can receive countless praises, countless praises, countless words of good fortune, etc. This will make me particularly happy, so after it is over, Give your pocket money to the fortune teller.
After living like this for several years, before graduation, I received the first love letter in my life. I was very happy, but I didn't like that girl.
It wasn't until after graduation that I got my own job. My urge for self-expression seemed to reach its extreme at this time, so I worked hard, performed hard, and tried hard to gain recognition.
That period of life, looking back now, is quite interesting, because during my hard work, I met a girl and we fell in love.
Love is a cup of bitter coffee.
Although it is bitter, it is also sweet, but until the end of the drink... I can't seem to tell whether it is more bitter or sweet.
My first love is over.
It was also at that time that I learned about cigarettes in this world and was attracted by the wine in this world. From then on, cigarettes and wine became part of my life.
I still show that I am still working hard, but the impulse in my heart seems to have begun to fade a lot as the years go by. It is at this time that, for some reason, there are more people of the opposite sex around me.
The second love, the third love, the fourth love, cups of bitter coffee seemed to be connected together, making me drink it again and again, until one day, I met a woman, tall He is tall and has crescent-like eyes when he smiles, which makes me feel very comfortable.
I thought maybe this was the last cup of coffee I would drink in my life.
We fall in love and we get married.
At that time, I felt that I could see what I would look like when I got older at a glance. It was very relaxing, comfortable, and beautiful...
Until one day a few years later, the mirror was broken, and the marriage came to an end at this time.
I can't tell who is right or wrong, or who blames whom.
Pain, struggle, teeth grinding, transformation... became the main theme of my time. The little bird in my heart also flew higher at this time, touched the sun, and received sunshine.
Maybe fate likes to joke with people. In my later life, many people of the opposite sex appeared in my world. Some of them were tall, some were graceful, some were gentle, some were domineering... They were all beautiful, all excellent, and they were in groups. The arrival of people, and the departure of groups again and again, also made me a little confused.
Because in the end... what I picked up from it were cups of bitter coffee, like cigarettes and wine.
Smoke damages the lungs.
Alcohol damages the liver.
Opposite sex... sad.
But I still like cigarettes, I still like wine, and I still have a longing for love...
Until, when I was forty years old, I suddenly discovered that I actually preferred chatting with friends, talking about the past, and pointing out the future compared to the opposite sex.
Whenever I drink, I like to drag my friends together, brag together, laugh loudly, tease together, and act like teenagers together.
Perhaps it is this change that makes me have more and more friends. I listen to their stories, and they listen to mine. We talk and talk freely.
There may be some precautions, and there may be some secrets kept, but that doesn't matter, happiness is the most important thing.
At that time, I realized that everyone is a book, everyone has a story, and everyone... is actually lonely from the bottom of his heart.
And the more I know, the less lonely I seem to be.
My friends include men and women, old and young, and they come from all kinds of religions, but it doesn’t matter. A sincere smile is the power to break everything.
Gradually, more and more friends like to talk to me.
Gradually, my smile became brighter and brighter.
Gradually, I seemed to find a way to make myself happy.
Talking, during that period of my life, transcended knowledge, performance, and love, and became the most important part of me.
This is a kind of sharing, perhaps because the inner squeeze has reached a certain level, and the water is overflowing. Not only do I need it, but many people... need it.
In this sharing and talking, I have gone through year after year. I don’t know when, I no longer like talking, and I began to pursue comfort. This comfort includes both spiritual and material things.
I think it was when my hair started to turn gray.
I am no longer limited to what to do or what to think. I will think about and complete everything that makes me feel comfortable. I start to like to see the blue sky, white clouds, and sunrise. , but I don’t like sunsets.
But I also like the starry sky in the dark night.
I like to sit in a rocking chair, have a drink, grab a book at random, and read while enjoying the air, time, and everything.
I stopped staying up late and started waking up early.
I am no longer obsessed with the why of everything, because I have answers to many of them.
I no longer try to express myself because I have seen too thoroughly.
I also no longer talk about it constantly, because that would be boring.
I no longer think about the opposite sex, because when I look at them, I just smile, and there may be some memories in my eyes, but the figure in the memory may not be clear to me.
The only thing I pursue is to live more comfortably and feel more secure. It seems that everything in this world has become better in my eyes.
This kind of life lasted for a long time... Until one day, I touched my face and felt a lot of wrinkles. I looked at my hands and saw a lot of wrinkles and patches.
My eyes were also a little dim, and everything around me was blurry, but when I looked at me in the mirror, I still worked hard to straighten my body, and there was still beauty in my smile.
It's just... outside the mirror, I know, I'm scared.
I became very timid, I became very cautious.
I know what I am afraid of, because sometimes after waking up at night, I seem to be able to see the figure transformed by the breath of death, looking at me silently outside the window.
It seemed that they were calling me and waiting for me.
I don't want to follow them.
Even some of them are old friends of mine.
I don't want to see them, I'm scared.
I don’t want to die, I want to live, keep living... This urge to survive makes me feel uncomfortable breathing sometimes.
At this time, I will pay attention to those old friends who are still there, and tell them to take care of themselves and care about their health, because... I don't want to see them go away.
This will make me more breathless and more afraid of death.
Man, why should there be death
I often think about this question, and also think about what I am afraid of, am I really afraid of death...
The answer is yes.
But behind this affirmative answer, I have another answer.
I'm afraid of being alone.
If I leave, I will be lonely.
When they leave, I will be lonely.
This fear of death and loneliness turned into a force that seemed to fill my whole body to support my existence, but... my body seemed to be riddled with holes. After this force emerged, another At a speed visible to my naked eyes, it dissipated along those sores.
I want to keep them, but I can't.
It seems that I don't even have the strength to get up. I feel that the breath of death has filled me. My desires and everything about me seem to be disappearing.
At that moment, I suddenly understood something.
There is no use in being afraid.
That day, I remember, I seemed to have strength again, so I worked hard to sit up, dressed myself neatly, walked to the yard, and walked to my rocking chair. Finally, I sat on the rocking chair and looked at the sunset in the distance.
The autumn wind blew, and it was cold, causing the branches in the yard to sway slightly.
On that branch, in this season, there was only one yellowing leaf left, curled up and insisting on not falling.
I looked at the sunset and the only leaf on the branch. Suddenly I felt that everything was beautiful. Gradually... I smiled.
In this smile... I saw the sunset, I saw the moment dusk passed, the only leaf on the branch fell.
Floating and floating...just like my rocking chair rocking and rocking.
Until it floated in front of my eyes, covering my eyes and covering all the light, making this world end in my eyes.
But my consciousness didn't seem to dissipate.
It was dark all around me, I didn’t know where I was, maybe I was still in the rocking chair...
It is precisely because my consciousness is still there that... I have this memory of my life.
I think my life may not be wonderful to others, but to me, it is my only one.
It was at this time that I seemed to hear the call and the voice again...
It seems that someone is calling me to wake up...
But I couldn't hear clearly, so I could only identify it based on my feelings, and that voice was somewhat familiar, as if I had heard it before.
"What is he saying… "
"Louder, I can't hear you." I spoke hard into the darkness. Perhaps my efforts had an effect. Gradually, when my consciousness was about to blur, the voice became clearer.
"I hope... you can live forever and be free."
My mind was shaken!
"I hope... you can live forever and live happily."
My consciousness set off a huge wave! !
"I hope... you can live forever and never forget your original intention."
My heart roars! ! !
"I hope... you can live forever and be happy and beautiful."
My soul shakes the star ring! ! ! !
"Finally, I will return the name Wang Baole to you." The moment the familiar voice reached my ears... the eyes of the body floating in the starry sky... opened suddenly! ! !
"My name is... Wang Baole!"
Finale
Thick rings of Saturn.
The starry sky was empty, and Wang Baole stood silently in the place where he woke up, with deep complexity in his eyes, staring blankly into the distance for a long time... He raised his hand and touched the center of his eyebrows.
After a while, Wang Baole sighed softly, as if he had known it for a long time. He put down his right hand and grabbed it in the distance. A bead and a wine gourd appeared in front of him.
Looking at the bead, Wang Baole was silent for a long time, then raised his left hand and held it gently.
The size of the bead is exactly three inches in the palm of his hand. It is everything to him and his world.
Finally, he picked up the wine bottle with his right hand, put it to his mouth, and drank a big gulp... He shook his head bitterly and walked silently towards the distant sea of stars.
His back was lonely and desolate, getting further and further away as he walked.
"It's better to... keep walking on this lonely road..."
It’s an illusion in the end
Who is a gift and who is a calamity...
Complete book
(End of chapter)