Shaining thought: He probably waited too long for this sentence.
Over the years, no one has told him that homosexuality is not a disease. Our country has already passed the same-sex marriage law.
However, from the mouth of a psychiatrist, it has a different meaning.
It was as if someone in authority had solemnly removed the shackles from him and declared him innocent.
Xie Ning originally thought that his heart should fluctuate, but the clinker at this time, listening to his ears, did not make any big waves.
Other people's hearts are gleaming, throwing a stone down, rippling ripples in circle after circle.
His heart lake was frozen, and the stone slammed into the ice with a loud noise, but it disappeared since then, and there is no follow-up.
So Shainin just blinked, and even smiled inconspicuously.
His emotions were too light and too light, and even the joy was separated by a thick layer of ice.
Only one person is different.
In front of Zhuang Yan, those ice cubes will gradually melt away, as if from winter to spring, from black and white paintings to color paintings, showing his colorful inner world.
If his emotions turned into innumerable threads, then Mr. Xie and Yan Xi would each tie one end, and the rest would be wrapped around Zhuang Yan.
"Thank you." Xie Ning said to Ji Wenbin, "Thank you for letting me hear this."
If he can take a sip from the water glass at this time, he can find the water swaying in the glass, and then find his shaking hands.
It's not that he doesn't have perception and emotion, he just forgets himself.
Ji Wenbin flashed a few thoughts in his mind, and finally smiled at him thoughtfully: "If you have any unpleasant experiences and feelings, you can tell me."
Xie Ning lowered his eyes, thought for a while, and then slowly opened his mouth.
…
Shainin rarely thinks about past adulthood, mostly unpleasant experiences.
Occasionally, what impressed me most was the psychologist's repeated transmission of the idea of "homosexuality is a mental illness" in his ears, as well as the occasional hysteria of Xia Wan.
Those psychologists would always ask him a lot of questions, dig out his past to the bottom of it, and look for the abnormality in him from the little clues.
They would look at him with pity, and that kind of sympathy made Xie Ning horrified.
It seems to be saying: although you are mentally ill, it doesn't matter, it can be cured, you want you to be obedient.
As long as you are obedient.
Xia Wan would sometimes cry and hug him, with a sad voice: "It's okay Ning Ning, you will be fine, listen to your mother's words, don't like men, your mother will make you a normal person."
Her expression is really like a mother facing a terminally ill child, sad and determined.
Xie Ning occasionally becomes dazed, whether what she is referring to as a normal person corresponds to homosexuality or to neurosis.
Or in Xia Wan's eyes, it doesn't make any difference.
At first he would also express his views with Xia Wan: "Homosexuality is just a sexual orientation..."
In exchange, Xia Wan's hysterical anger: "Why is my son a homosexual! Why are you such a person!"
Why am I like this
Shane was silent after that.
Homosexuality is a mental illness.
can be treated.
Correctable.
Shaining asked himself, was he really wrong
Why did those psychologists come to the same conclusion as Xia Wan
Is he really mentally ill
When waking up from a dream late at night, looking at the moonlight, he asked himself over and over again
Am I sick
Am I sick
Am I sick
He was puzzled and bewildered.
Why does everyone say he is sick.
He has been serious and obedient since childhood. Xia Wan has always been proud of having such a son.
When did Xia Wan look at her, from being proud and caring to hating iron.
What the hell did he do wrong.
Xia Wan took him to see several psychologists, took various medicines, and used various correction methods and treatment plans.
But with little success.
Once I came out with Xia Wan from the psychiatrist, Xia Wan suddenly broke down and cried: "Ning Ning, Mom is so uncomfortable, why can't you get better? Why can't you change?"
Xie Ning stood at the door with an expressionless face.
He looked at the grief-stricken Xia Wan, but his heart was as calm as stagnant water.
He could not feel the slightest affection, nor the slightest grief, in the people who were connected by blood.
His world seemed to be covered by the vast snow, and all he could see was a barren white.
There is no vitality, and no interest in life.
Later, he probably became more and more silent and communicated less and less with the outside world. The psychiatrist judged that he also suffered from emotional apathy.
Xia Wan cried again, crying and saying, "Ning Ning, listen to your mother's words, and your mother will cure you."
Xie Ning looked at her face quietly, and a sense of tiredness rose from the deepest part and swept through her body.
He didn't speak, just taunted the corners of his lips.
Heart: I really became a neuropathy.
…
The weather outside is not very good.
There was still a little sun when I went out in the morning, but by this time, the strong wind mixed with the heavy rain made the corners of people's clothes wet.
Xie Ning was caught off guard when he pushed open the glass door, and was bent over by the sudden wind.
Someone next to him supported him and said "be careful".
Xie Ning nodded at him and whispered back a thank you.
He didn't bring an umbrella, so he hesitated for a while.
He came to see the psychiatrist without telling Zhuang Yan, so he did not let the driver drive.
I haven't taken a driver's license, and I didn't think there was anything before, but now I realize that it's really inconvenient.
When I got to the hospital gate, my clothes were soaking wet, so I probably had to take a hot shower when I went back.
But it is also very likely that you will catch a cold.
He pursed his lips.
Too many people taking taxis at the gate.
Xie Ning slowly found a bus stop sign, but the wind was too strong today, and the stop sign could not provide any shade.
There are seats for people to rest at the bus station. Although there are many people at this time, the seats are empty and they are already soaked.
Xie Ning waited for a long time, and finally a few taxis came, but none of them grabbed it.
Finally, when they were almost gone, another pregnant woman with a pot belly came next to her.
When the last taxi stopped, Xie Ning slowed down a little, not embarrassed to fight with the pregnant woman.
The pregnant woman got into the car, pulled down the window again, and asked him, "Young man, where are you going, if you stop by the way, we'll be together?"
Xie Ning was stunned.
The pregnant woman added: "It's hard to wait for a taxi at the moment. It took a long time for one to arrive. You see you're soaking wet, so let's take a car together."
Unfortunately, the lakeside villa and the home of the pregnant woman are exactly in two directions. Even if the pregnant woman is willing, the driver is not willing to run around most of the city in the storm.
Xie Ning smiled at the pregnant woman: "It's okay, I'll just wait a little longer."
There are fewer and fewer people around.
The sound of the wind and rain was still loud, which contrasted with Xie Ning's chaotic mind. He waited for a long time, but before the next taxi, he simply sat down in the cold seat.
The pants were soaking wet anyway.
The rain curtain slanted down.
Xie Ning stared blankly at the water droplets in series, and his brain slowly turned from cluttered to blank.
If the person trapped here is not Xie Ning, he may be able to draw the scene in the rain and enjoy the romance of this lonely journey.
He smiled bitterly, watching a group of people crossing the road with umbrellas in the distance, and the street full of traffic, watching the tires of the cars scratched through the small puddles on the ground, splashing a splash of water.
He looked at it for a long time, and his body began to tremble again, and he was stunned when he touched the phone in his trousers pocket.
The phone is shaking.
Shainin suddenly remembered that he could call the driver to pick him up.
He pursed his lips.
Today is really... I don't know what I'm thinking at all.
The phone kept vibrating, he took it out and saw that it was Zhuang Yan's call.
Just as he was about to pick it up, his hand slipped because of the water, and the phone fell to the ground, rolled again, and finally fell into a small puddle.
Shainin took two steps to pick up the phone.
Bad luck continued today.
The phone screen shattered to pieces.
But still able to talk.
Xie Ning just got through to Zhuang Yan's call, but before he heard any sound, the screen of the phone went black.
I don't know if it was because of the water.
Shainin: …
He looked at the dark mobile phone screen, and a sense of grievance suddenly rose in his heart.
He bit his lip and thought: Even his mobile phone will bully him.
Xie Ning didn't know what to do now.
There was rain falling down his forehead, held by the upturned eyelashes for a while, and then fell from his eyes when he blinked, as if he was crying.
After a while, the eyes are also dim, and I can't see anything clearly.
He sat at the station for a long time,
After some time, a black car stopped in front of him.
He felt that this model of car was a bit familiar, so he couldn't help but glance at it.
The result is getting more and more familiar...
Someone got out of the car with an umbrella.
The man also looked familiar.
Xie Ning wiped his eyes, trying to wipe the rain off them so that he could see the man more clearly.
In just a short while, the man had walked up to him with an umbrella.
Xie Ning blinked, and his eyes were instantly wet again.
The man's figure was very familiar, and his voice was familiar: "What? Can't you recognize me?"
Hearing this voice, Xie Ning's nose suddenly became sour.
"Are you crying?" he asked, his voice a little panicked. "Don't cry, I'm not here to take you home."
Xie Ning looked up, and when he saw the angular face, he suddenly couldn't help it and threw himself into his arms: "Zhuang Yan."
Zhuang Yan hugged him, and his voice sounded above him: "Well, I'm here."
Most of Zhuang Yan's clothes were dry, only the shoulders and corners of his clothes were soaked with water.
Xie Ning is not a crybaby, but now he was hugged into his dry and warm chest, but suddenly began to cry.
It was as if he had finally found a hug that he could rely on and feel at ease, and he could vent out all his grievances and pain without restraint.
He wanted to say: I am so sad.
Uneasy, sad, wronged, uncomfortable.
The pain that no one can confide in, no one can understand.
From the phone that just broke, to the silent resistance all these years.
His memory is very good, and the dusty memories are turned out little by little, like old and yellowed photos with a little dust on them.
Then the grievances he had forgotten swept over.
When expounding the past in front of Ji Wenbin, he was still quiet and peaceful, with a little indifference, as if those things had long since passed, and could not affect his current mood.
But when he slammed into Zhuang Yan's arms, all his emotions came alive again.
He couldn't help crying uncontrollably.
The author has something to say: sweet text, not cruel. is not it