Zhuang Yan and Yan Xi meet at a cafe.
When Yan Xi came, Zhuang Yan was already waiting, he didn't pay attention to Yan Xi's arrival, and quietly stared at the coffee at hand in a daze.
He didn't look up until the chair opposite was pulled away by Yan Xi: "Here?"
Yan Xi frowned, glanced at the empty space next to Zhuang Yan, then looked at the cup of coffee on the table, and asked in a low voice, "Where's Xie Ning?"
Zhuang Yan asked him out in the name of Xie Ning. Yan Xi was obviously impatient when he didn't see Xie Ning's person.
But Zhuang Yan had no other choice. For his flight tonight, not in the name of Xie Ning, Yan Xi might not make the appointment.
"He didn't come." Zhuang Yan handed him the menu on the table, "I have something to talk to you about."
Yan Xi didn't answer the menu, and even stood up: "I don't think we have anything to talk about."
Zhuang Yan said, "Xie Ning went out in the afternoon."
Yan Xi raised his brows.
Zhuang Yan added: "If I guess correctly, it should be to see Dr. Ji."
Yan Xi sat down: "What do you want to talk about?"
He was willing to talk, but Zhuang Yan paused instead.
He took a sip of coffee, frowning slightly, as if thinking about how to find an entry point.
While waiting for Yan Xi to come over, he has been thinking about this matter, and he has also thought of several ways to attack him, but when he sees people, he feels that if he becomes euphemistic, Yan Xi may be the same as before. Do Tai Chi.
He didn't have much time to wait, so he asked Yan Xi bluntly: "Xie Ning once committed suicide, didn't he?"
When the voice fell, he felt that the whole cafe was quiet.
Yan Xi, who was sitting across from him, was also stunned, and Zhuang Yan saw his hand that had been relaxed on the table slammed.
"How did you know that?" He didn't deny it.
"That's not the point." Zhuang Yan said, "Besides, it's not hard to guess. There is a bird tattoo on Xie Ning's left wrist, isn't it?"
Yan Xi made a sound of "um".
Zhuang Yan: "But Xie Ning's character doesn't look like someone who knows how to get tattoos. He doesn't have this kind of rebellious feeling. I've been thinking about what special meaning a bird has before. Xie Ning said that it means freedom. "
Yan Xi bowed his head and did not speak.
Zhuang Yan added: "Later I remembered that many people get tattoos not because they like it, or to declare something, but to cover up their scars... If you think about it from this perspective, the wound on your wrist will also What could it be?"
"It makes sense for you to guess." Yan Xi nodded expressionlessly.
"Of course it's not just because of this." Zhuang Yan looked at him, "I also said that this is not the point."
Yan Xi leaned back in the chair and asked him, "Then what do you want to know from me?"
Zhuang Yan was quiet for a few seconds, and then said, "I want to know—why did he commit suicide."
Yan Xi sat there without answering and asked, "Why don't you ask Xie Ning?"
Different from Yan Xi's posture with his whole body leaning on the back of the chair, Zhuang Yan sat upright and looked very solemn. He said slowly, "I don't want him to recall the past... After all, it's not a good thing. Memories can even be called pain. Every time I mention it, it’s like opening up the scar again. Even if the pain is gone, it still looks hideous.”
"I hope he will always be happy in front of me," he said.
On the opposite side, Yan Xi smiled indistinctly, and quickly moved away: "I told you before that Xie Ning is very resistant to psychotherapy, do you know why?"
Zhuang Yan frowned slightly: "He has also received psychological treatment before, but the psychological counselor Xia Wan looked for is not formal."
Yan Xi sneered: "He has received treatment, and it is a very extreme mental treatment."
Zhuang Yan paused and looked directly at Yan Xi, as if he didn't quite understand: "...Extreme mental treatment?"
Yan Xi closed his eyes: "It's all you can think of, forced medication, electric shock correction... and some other aversion therapies."
"Electric shock?" Zhuang Yan looked at him in disbelief and didn't say a word for a while.
At this time, the waiter happened to come over and asked Yanxi what he needed to order.
He didn't pay attention to what Yan Xi ordered at the end, and he didn't swear a swear word until after the waiter left.
"I don't know," he whispered. "His previous psychologist, I checked, didn't use any drastic measures."
Yan Xi smiled mockingly: "Of course it wasn't at that time, probably earlier, you shouldn't have found it, right?"
Zhuang Yan shook his head: "I didn't investigate too deeply."
"That was the earliest time when Xie Ning came out to his parents." Yan Xi said, "During the summer vacation of that year, he was sent to a correctional center...or a summer camp? I don't remember exactly what it was called. As you can imagine, punishing disobedient children, treating Internet addiction or whatever... Of course, they also claim to be able to treat homosexuality."
Zhuang Yan's face turned cold, and it took a long time for him to restrain himself from scolding himself.
Yan Xi continued: "It's not a place where normal people can stay at all, even if they don't get sick, they can get sick... Since then, Xie Ning's character has completely changed."
"Do you know how long Xie Ning was sent to stay?"
Zhuang Yan shook his head.
Yan Xi said: "Three months...more than a hundred days."
After a pause, he asked again, "Do you know how Xie Ning came out?"
This time, without waiting for Zhuang Yan to respond, he replied by himself, "It's because of an accident."
Maybe some things have been held in his heart for too long. Once the opening is opened, it is like a flood that has opened the gate. He can talk about it all without anyone asking.
"There was another man in therapy with Shainin, also gay..."
"One day, maybe after being electrocuted, he probably had a mental breakdown, but he couldn't bear it and jumped out of the corridor window."
"It was the fourth floor, and the person disappeared on the spot, saying it was suicide."
"Because of the accident, the correctional center attracted local attention and was banned."
"Shainin...was there at the time."
Zhuang Yan looked at him suddenly.
"He saw it with his own eyes..." Yan Xi's voice was a little hoarse, "see how that person jumped out of his eyes."
Zhuang Yan couldn't imagine that scene.
He only felt that his chest was very tight, and the whole figure seemed to be sinking to the bottom of the water, making it hard for him to breathe.
He was silent for a long time, and finally asked with difficulty: "Xie Ning's fear of heights... is it also because of this?"
Yan Xi was stunned for a moment, then nodded: "It should be."
Zhuang Yan didn't speak again, the coffee suddenly became very bitter, he took a sip, and a bitter and sour feeling flowed into his stomach.
"You guessed right before, he committed suicide." Yan Xi's topic changed a little quickly, "I almost succeeded... If it wasn't for my whim that day, I wanted to find him."
"The knife used to cut the fruit, when I arrived, he was already unconscious, and the whole bathtub was bloody..." Yan Xi choked, "That scene became my nightmare for a long time, and I always I was very worried about him. Others mocked me like an old mother and worried about everything for him, but I was really scared... Every time he lost contact, it reminded me of the scene I saw that day."
"Even if his mood has stabilized and he no longer has suicidal tendencies, I always persuade him to go out for a walk, communicate more with people, and not shut himself up. I'm really, really afraid of when he will take care of everything around him. They are no longer interested, and have no nostalgia for the world."
"I hope he can be more involved with this world, maybe it's me, maybe it's Mr. Xie, or maybe it's a lover who can tie him down."
Yan Xi's voice was so hoarse that it seemed to be crying: "You know, what makes me sad the most?"
Zhuang Yan: "What?"
"I know that the Xie Ning I knew at first, can't come back."
Yan Xi laughed lightly: "Have you seen the photos of Xie Ning when he was a child?"
Zhuang Yan shook his head: "No."
Yan Xi paused for a while, and pulled out a photo from the mezzanine of his wallet.
He flipped through it for a long time before carefully placing the treasured photos on the table: "Then you can't imagine what Shainin used to be like."
"He is very cheerful and loves to laugh. He is happy from morning to night. It seems that nothing can make him lose his vitality. Just by being by his side, you can absorb a burst of energy." Yan Xi said, "Like a little sun."
Zhuang Yan lowered his head in a trance.
In the photo, the two boys with their shoulders on their backs smiled brilliantly when facing the camera, and just by looking at them, one could feel the vigorous vigor.
Zhuang Yan failed to recognize that one of them was Xie Ning.
"You said, how did he become like this?"
Why did his little sun go out little by little
Yan Xi finally couldn't help crying: "Sometimes, I really hate it..."
"Shainin he..."
"What did he do wrong to be forced into what he is now?"
…
"Sometimes I think, what the hell am I doing wrong to endure this pain."
Xie Ning looked at Ji Wenbin and said in a calm voice, "For countless nights, I have asked myself whether I was born into this world and liked the same sex, which is wrong."
"You're not wrong." Ji Wenbin smiled.
"Well." Xie Ning sat quietly across from him, his voice firmly repeated, "I'm not wrong."
Ji Wenbin said: "You are willing to tell me these things now, which may mean that you have come out of the past."
Xie Ning: "I don't know."
"Just now your voice has been calm and your emotions are very stable." Ji Wenbin's voice was gentle, "Even in retrospect, you won't be swallowed up by that kind of pain, will you?"
Xie Ning was quiet for a few seconds, as if thinking.
After a while, he smiled and said, "Probably, something sweeter has appeared in life, making all the pain in the past trivial."
"Maybe I endure these pains to cherish this hard-won happiness even more."
"Really?" Ji Wenbin asked.
"Well." Xie Ning said, "Doctor Ji, I'm getting married."
Ji Wenbin raised his eyebrows in surprise, and then blessed: "Congratulations."
He said: "Your marriage partner must love you very much."
"Yes, he loves me very much." Xie Ning's expression became gentle, and the corners of his lips were slightly raised.
He was sitting on the sofa, his face was very fair under the soft light, but this whiteness was not pathological, and his cheeks revealed a healthy rosy.
The dense eyelashes cast a shadow, covering his slightly shy eyes.
"As long as I'm around him, I feel at ease. He's like my light, driving away pain and darkness."
Xie Ning said slowly, "I love him too."
The author has something to say: the one who committed suicide in the hallway... Chapter 53 implicitly mentioned it.
The ending is also based on chapter 53.
He is my light.