what do i think of myself as...
I am light. cheap, cheap, useless, cowardly.
I was kept in a cage by Qi Shu for the past four years. In order not to bore him, I tried my best to please him and cater to him day and night.
Now without him, I still have to rely on another alpha to live.
From beginning to end, all I can give is my body, other than that, I can't think of what else they need from me.
So Zhou Chen, he can be my benefactor or my benefactor.
It's nothing more than going from one transaction to another. If you don't talk about love, there is actually no difference.
It's the easiest relationship and both he and I can take it easy.
As for all my naive fantasies, that ended long ago at eighteen, and now that I'm twenty-two, I've learned that there's no free kindness in the grown-up world.
As long as you don't expect it, you can naturally avoid pain.
This is what Qi Shu taught me.
"You know the relationship between me and Qi Shu and you still want to save me, and you also know what kind of person I am..."
When I actually spoke, I still found it difficult.
"You know everything."
"So? Do you think I want to sleep with you, or want to take care of you?"
There was anger in Zhou Chen's voice, this was the first time he was angry with me.
But why is he angry? Am I wrong
"Isn't it?"
I was sitting on my knees, and when I looked up at him, a large tear suddenly rolled out without warning.
Damn, what am I wronging.
I was not wronged when I was humiliated by Qi Shu,
I didn't feel wronged when my appearance was ruined,
Even knowing that I have lost my child, I am just in pain and despair, without grievances.
But now, because I exposed my dirty and lowly nature in front of Zhou Chen, I feel wronged like never before.
He's so good, I even begged him to sleep. It's like I'm dirtying him.
I should have rotted in the swamp instead of breaking into the rose garden.
The moment their eyes met, the anger in Zhou Chen's eyes disappeared. There was a moment of panic on his face, and then it turned into restrained distress.
Such expressions make me sadder than indifference and contempt.
I want to say that you don't have to pity me, I am self-willed and depraved, and I am not worthy of your sympathy.
But I only choked up when I opened my mouth.
The next moment, Zhou Chen hugged me.
He made me cry in his arms, whispering no in my ear.
The uneasiness accumulated in my heart these days was finally vented by me. Zhou Chen's chest was very hot, and I was a little out of breath, as if I was drowning in a wine cellar, surrounded by the smell of brandy.
His pheromone is very strong, and quickly drives out the other smells in the air. Even though I have changed back to beta, I still feel oppressed.
"I finally understood one thing..." he said.
"what?"
He shook his head, "No other name should be mentioned now."
Different from the comforting hug in the hospital, this time, Zhou Chen embraced me in his arms, as intimate as a lover.
Obviously he was in the susceptible period, but I became the one who was appeased.
"I don't want to sleep. I don't want to keep me. Why do you treat me so well? What are you trying to do..."
I cried heartbroken, as if he was sorry for me.
People are always like this, they can endure long-term pain, but they cannot bear a moment of happiness.
For me, the time in the sunset is a colorful bubble. If I can't keep it forever, I would rather pop it with my own hands.
"I also want to know what I'm trying to do." Zhou Chen's sigh touched the side of my neck, "I want to know more what makes you believe that there is only money and goods in the relationship between people."
"I don't want your money..."
"I don't want you to repay me." He buried his head on my shoulder and took a deep breath, "If you do this again, I will really make a mistake."
After being hugged by Zhou Chen for a long time, I gradually calmed down.
There was still pheromone left by Wen Ziqing in the house, Zhou Chen endured it very hard. It won't work like this, so we went back to the sunset together.
The alpha and omega consciously disappeared within Zhou Shen's perception, and only Mr. Beta, the housekeeper, was waiting at the door.
When getting off the car, Zhou Chen held my hand. I was embarrassed to break away. After seeing this kind old gentleman, he even made fun of me, saying: "The young master really can't leave you for a moment."
Zhou Chen took a step ahead of me and said calmly: "Indeed."
His hands are large, with warm and dry palms and long, strong fingers. I was rarely held like this, and all my attention was focused on the palms we held.
Holding hands is different from hugging, kissing, making love. Only lovers hold hands.
In the past, Qi Shu would never hold my hand in private, except in some social occasions where there was drama. He is used to taking me directly to bed, and he doesn't even bother to do the foreplay.
Zhou Chen also took me to the bed, but just hugged me. I became his big pillow, and I was tightly wrapped in his arms.
He said he was very tired today and hoped I could forgive him for being presumptuous.
Of course I will forgive him.
Zhou Chen told me what happened.
Wen Ziqing stole his spare key from the old house, put himself into estrus by taking medicine, and tried to lure Zhou Chen to mark him with pheromones. Unexpectedly, Zhou Chen not only held back, but also knocked him unconscious with a hand knife and locked him in the bedroom.
"Does Qi Shu know?" I asked.
"Probably not," he said, "but now."
I think I can understand Wen Ziqing. If Qi Shu is unwilling to marry him, Zhou Chen is undoubtedly a better choice.
Then I thought to myself... Seems to be doing the same thing as him...
Sensing the stiffness of my body, Zhou Chen asked, "What's wrong?"
I can't say it.
He paused, "Remember what you promised me?"
Remember... tell him about the negativity.
"...I hate myself." The more I thought about it, the more irritable I was, curling myself up as if trying to escape, "I'm mean and selfish."
After a moment of silence, Zhou Chen smiled softly: "Maybe it is... but so what?"
He fiddled with the hair on top of my head with his fingers, "Human nature is inherently inferior, who dares to say that he is different."
The night was silent, and the bedside night lamp emitted a faint light.
Amid the drowsy smell of wine, Zhou Chen's voice scratched my heart like a cat's paw.
"You think I'll pull you out of the abyss, but in case, I want to take you into another sea."
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Today's playlist: "Lost Sandbar"
[The tired figure is not me, not the me you want to see]