I seem to have returned to the days when I was tortured by glands.
Insomnia, palpitations, vomiting, frequent fainting.
When I was in a trance, I would think that these few months were just a dream, without Wen Ziqing, Zhou Chen, and Wen Yan. After waking up, I went to school to find Xu Xingze for dinner, and then went home to wait for Qi Shu to get off work.
But in my dreams, I often see a rose garden. In the afternoon sun, one person sat on a bench and played the cello, while the other played with the roses in the garden with scissors. He was clearly doing the work of a gardener, but he was as elegant as an artist.
I can't see their faces clearly, but I can feel their peace and happiness.
When I opened my eyes, what I saw was another person.
Sometimes I know him, sometimes I don't.
When I met him, I begged him to let me go, trying to escape like crazy.
When I didn’t know him, I asked him if he knew a place called Xizhaoli, where a gentleman was waiting for me, and could he take me back.
He asked me who is Mr.
I shook my head blankly and said I couldn't remember.
He threw a lot of things angrily, pointed at me and said you can't even remember his name but still want to go back.
"What do you think he is good for? He will fall in love with you because you are the person in my bed!" He yelled.
I felt sad for no reason, and said with tears that it was not so.
He panicked and came up to hug me again, wiping my tears.
But when he touched me, every cell in my body began to ache.
Pain is also good, pain will give me a moment of clarity.
I said a lot to him, and I said what I thought of, because I was afraid that if I didn't say it, I would never have a chance.
"Qi Shu," I called his name, "I may be dying soon... It is said that people will recall all the good things in life before they die, but about you, I have thought about it for a long time, and there are only two things that make me think about you these years. hapiness."
"... One is to fall in love with you, and the other is not to love you."
"Don't tell him if I die, I don't want to make him sad."
"Don't be sad, you shouldn't be like this..."
"...Actually, I am easy to be satisfied. Watch a firework with me in summer, build a snowman with me in winter, and I can be happy for a whole year...but you have never done it."
"You don't love me, I don't blame you, I just have a little... regret."
"For the child... don't blame me, I've tried my best... If you want, there will be many in the future. I was born like me, you won't like it..."
...
I'm tired of speaking, and I speak very slowly.
He hugged me all the time, I couldn't see his face, only felt his shoulders trembling.
He seems to have lost weight.
Before I died, I did a great thing. I dragged that proud Qi Shu from the top of the mountain to the quagmire.
After hugging for a long time, he finally choked up and said, "If you say you don't love, you don't love... You are the most ruthless one."
With such a tone, it seems that I have failed him.
Someone came to see me during the period, a good-looking and familiar person.
He and Qi Shu were arguing in the living room, and I stood on the stairs, as if watching a silent farce.
"He's going to die if this goes on, do you know he's going to die!" He yelled at Qi Shu, "Haven't you tortured him enough!"
"He won't die!" Qi Shu yelled back, but his eyes were blank, "He will get better..."
"Don't lie to yourself anymore..." The man sat down wearily and buried his face in his hands, "You don't love him, you can't accept that he doesn't love you anymore."
"Do not… "
"Love is not a cage, and marriage is not a bondage. You don't know how to love at all."
"I don't understand, do you understand? What else can you do but escape! If you are afraid of being tempted, you will flee the country, and if you are afraid of being restrained, you will cut off your glands. What you think is chic and free is nothing but cowardice!"
"Whatever you think, I must take him away today."
"Don't even think about it!"
…
It's so noisy. I'm tired of hearing it.
I wanted to go back to sleep, but just after taking two steps, an anxious "Xiao Xiao!" came from behind me.
Are you calling me? do not know…
I ignored him and went back to the room.
There was a purple stuffed rabbit by my bed all the time, I don't remember why it was there, but I knew it was important. Only by holding it can I fall asleep.
The rabbit has a faint aroma of wine, which is very strange, I don't drink alcohol, how can it have such a taste.
What makes me uneasy is that this fragrance is fading day by day. I am afraid that it will disappear, but I can only watch it disappear.
I started jotting down things that came to mind in my notebook. Because if I don't write it down, I will forget it at any time.
[I want to scatter the ashes into the sea, and I also want to bury them with the plush rabbit, or I will share them in two.]
[Yesterday I dreamed of an island full of roses, floating alone on the sea, and then a small boat came, bang, hit it.]
[It seems that I forgot to take my medicine again. I always thought that someone would blame me, but it didn't.]
[There is an extra ring on the ring finger, it is so tight, like a torture tool, no matter how hard you take it off, you can't take it off.]
[I want to eat chocolate chip cookies.]
…
That good-looking person came to see me every day and brought me different flowers. He always said sorry to me. I don't understand why.
When he came for the last time, he said to Qi Shu with a blank face: "It seems that I can't wait for your wedding, and if there is a funeral, you don't need to notify me."
Qi Shu stared at him blankly and asked, "Am I wrong..."
"I just want him to stay with me, am I wrong?"
"In the future... I only want him, and I don't want anyone else. Isn't that enough?"
…
The man's expression finally loosened a bit, and his eyes became sad and pitiful.
He said: "You are not wrong, you will never be wrong."
"Remember, when you were young, you raised a Pomeranian. You thought it was always playing in the garden and getting dirty, so you locked it in a cage for more than two months. It starved to death without eating or drinking."
"Later you raised a cat, and because it accidentally scratched you, you cut off all its nails. It couldn't hold on to the railing, and fell down and broke its hind leg."
"What you didn't understand at the age of eight, you still don't understand at the age of twenty-eight."
"Qi Shu...you can't even take care of a small animal, why do you think you can take care of a person?"
After he left, Qi Shu stood at the door, as if he didn't dare to come in.
There was a lush phlox outside the window, and the pink flowers were all over the tree. I sat on the rocking chair on the balcony and counted the number of flowers on that branch.
One, two, three... so many, countless.
"Xiaoyu..." Qi Shu called me from behind.
I turned my head and saw the shadow of the tree cast on him, flickering on and off, just like our first summer.
But there is something different.
I've been getting more and more lazy lately, I'm not interested in everything, and even the pain has become dull.
I no longer lose my temper with him, stop crying, stop rejecting everything he offers me.
I knew I was withering, and he probably felt it too.
He squatted next to my legs, took my hand, and pressed it to his lips.
"You won't forgive me, will you?" he asked.
I didn't answer.
"If, if I..."
He stroked the scar on my forehead again, and it took a long time before he said a word with difficulty.
"If I set you free, will you...don't hate me so much?"
Freedom... Now I am like a bird with folded wings standing on the edge of a cliff. With my own two legs, I can't even get out of this courtyard. What's the point of freedom
I smiled at him and asked softly, "Are you afraid that I will die here and dirty your house?"
"You will not die."
I don't understand why he is so persistent in lying to himself, even the doctor who came to my door shook his head at me, but he thought I would not die.
"I don't seem to have ever said that I like you, and I have never said that I love you."
He squeezed the ring on my finger tightly with his thumb and forefinger, and took it off little by little.
"Perhaps Wen Yan is right, I don't know how to love at all."
The ring was too tight and my finger was red and sore from him.
Finally, the small ring passed the first joint, and disappeared into my hand in a flash of silver light, leaving only a circle of red ring marks.
He held the ring and looked up at me with hot eyes.
"I also...don't love you at all."
"You are too thin, dry and ugly, and you are not an omega, your body is as stiff as wood... How could I, love you..."
"Don't be so stupid again." He stood up, "Understood?"
I didn't quite understand it, and he didn't explain it.
When he was about to walk out the door, I finally came to my senses and stopped him: "Qi Shu."
He stopped and turned around slowly: "What's wrong?"
The sky was getting dark, and the lights in the room were not turned on. He stood in the shadows, his face blurred.
"... Nothing." I shook my head.
—It’s just that you suddenly feel that you don’t seem to be able to shine anymore.