Perhaps thinking of the past, I had a lot of dreams on and off.
I dreamed that Wen Yan saw me for the last time before going abroad, and said that he was sorry that he could not attend my coming-of-age ceremony, and that if he missed him in the future, he could send an email or call him.
I never fought once, because I met Qi Shu not long after he left, and since then I have been ashamed and dare not face Wen Yan again.
On my birthday, I was so drunk that my friends were all too drunk, threw me in the elevator and left me alone. I fumbled back to the hotel room by myself but couldn't open the door. I was so angry and anxious that I slumped on the door and slapped it hard several times. Suddenly the door opened from the inside, I fell at a person's feet, and looked up to see a longing face.
At that time, I really liked Qi Shu, so drunk that I didn't even recognize myself, but I still knew him.
And then it was the next morning.
It's not that I don't remember the process at all. After all, it was so painful that I burst into tears. I sobbed and begged him to be lighter, but he didn't listen to me, and instead made it harder, and finally made me faint from the pain.
Later, I thought, it's really strange that such a picky and clean freak didn't throw me out when I smelled of alcohol.
Just throw it out, and nothing will happen after it is thrown out.
Then I dreamed that during the period when I thought I had a "stable relationship", one day I saw the scandal about Qi Shu spending the Spring Festival with a certain starlet on the entertainment tabloid, and I went to question him. He didn't even explain, he just said: "You are not the first, nor the last, nor the only one, don't take yourself too seriously."
Then he hung out with me for a month, during which time he met many different people. The newspapers did not dare to say that his private life was chaotic, but only dared to say that he was "amorous".
The dream was fragmented, and it was not a good thing. I didn't want to look at Qi Shu's face. I struggled to wake up a few times, but was comforted by a gentle hand.
I felt dissatisfied, and unconsciously called Qi Shu's name, wanting to ask him why he never let me go in his dreams.
I don't love him or hate him anymore, I just don't want to see him anymore.
The sky broke, and I finally woke up from the dream. There was no one around me, but the bed was warm. It suddenly occurred to me that I hugged Zhou Chen before I fell asleep last night. Could it be that he stayed with me all night...
My cheeks were inexplicably hot, I pulled the quilt over my head, and it took a long time to calm down.
Although we also squeezed into the same bed during Zhou Shen's susceptible period, but for some reason, I always felt that something was different when I came back this time.
… It's always humbling to hang around for a sleepover, and I decided to pretend nothing had happened and just fell asleep and didn't know.
He got out of bed and opened the curtains, and looked down to see Zhou Chen sitting in the yard, looking at the morning light with his arms folded. I couldn't see his face clearly, but I could feel his loneliness and loss.
Even a little sad.
Why is he sad
Because I gave Qi Shu a gift before, so he thinks that what I gave him is not the most special...
I was infected by his emotions, and I couldn't help wondering if I hadn't been drunk, walked into the wrong room, and liked Qi Shu... the current me, would I have been able to face him more cleanly.
Why did he have to let him see the worst side of me.
What else can I give him...
I closed the curtains and went downstairs, opened the door and went out only to find that the temperature had dropped today and the air was cool.
"Sir." I didn't drink water when I got up early, and my throat was a little dry.
He turned his head when he heard the voice, and frowned slightly. I trotted over in three steps at a time, but was caught by him and pulled between his legs.
"Why did you run out in your pajamas?" he asked.
"Forgot... I'm sorry." I raised my hand to rub the center of his brow, "Don't frown."
He put on the coat he was wearing for me, and I noticed that he was also wearing pajamas underneath.
"What are you thinking?" I couldn't help asking.
"I..." He thought for a while and said, "It's nothing."
My mood is getting more and more depressed, and I can understand that he is unwilling to share his thoughts with me, because we are not from the same world.
He is more knowledgeable and experienced than me. I don't know what he knows, and I don't understand the books he reads.
I used to be barely a useless vase, but now that I am like this, I am not even a vase.
Perhaps because he sensed that I was in a bad mood, Zhou Chen changed the subject: "Can I take you somewhere after breakfast?"
I didn't ask where I was going, so I said yes.
Unexpectedly, Zhou Chen took me to the cemetery.
He took my hand, walked deep into the cemetery, and said slowly: "I got your mother's ashes, I wanted to tell you earlier, but the time you just came back was too unstable, I'm afraid You were sad and injured, so you decided to bury him first. Sorry for delaying telling you until now."
"How do you know..." I was a little stunned, and I didn't remember talking about it.
"It's not difficult to find your call records." He lowered his eyes slightly, "I hoped that you could take the initiative to tell me."
I was at a loss for words for a while, and suddenly found that his expression now coincided with the loneliness this morning.
Just thinking about it, he held my hand tightly and said, "Trust me more in the future, okay?"
My heart skipped a beat, avoiding his gaze, and asked: "Then, where is Song Zhiqian?"
After a moment of silence, Zhou Chen looked away indifferently, "I don't know, I probably went abroad."
I vaguely felt that he knew that he just didn't want to talk about it, and it happened that I wasn't too interested, so I didn't ask any further.
The cemetery is quiet, only the sound of wind and leaves can be heard.
I'm not as fragile as Zhou Chen thought. When I saw Xiao Fei's tombstone, I was more lost than sad.
The emotional connection between us, apart from blood relationship, is only those more than a hundred letters. When I was young, I even resented him. Why did he bring me into this world, but he didn't take responsibility for me.
It wasn't until I grew up and made the same choice as him that I realized that some people are really willing to fly moths to the flame for love.
Fortunately, the difference is that I met the person who pulled me out of the flames a second before I fell.
Facing the tombstone, I suddenly feel that the sadness and happiness of more than two decades are not so important.
In the face of death, everything is dust.
Those who have finally found peace should not be disturbed by mundane affairs.
After standing silently for a long time, I said to Zhou Chen, "Thank you."
"Xiaoyu." He said softly, "Family and family may disappoint you, but you have to remember that you were born for love in the first place."
Love... will someone love me.
Xiao Fei may have loved me briefly, or maybe he just loved Song Zhiqian and his child, but it doesn't matter who the child is.
Qi Shu didn't love me before, but now he may think he loves me, but his love is just a habit and possessiveness.
Zhou Chen... I know myself, he has no reason to love me.
When I think about it this way, my life can be described as a failure.
Looking up in a daze, I asked, "The cemetery next to me seems to be empty, can I buy it?"
Zhou Chen was absent-minded for a moment, and asked: "Do you want to... be buried here in the future?"
"There is at least one person I know well here..." I was uneasy, and I didn't know why I said this suddenly, "Be prepared... You also know about heart disease, maybe when, just..."
"What about me?" Zhou Chen interrupted me, as if the question was very difficult.
"You're bound to outlive me..."
"You know that's not what I mean." He held my hand close to his heart, "I sometimes wonder if you did it on purpose, why you always like to poke my heart with a blunt knife."
The heartbeat under the palm was heavy and powerful, which made my thoughts even more messy.
He managed to save my life, and he must not like it when I mention death.
"Sorry..." I apologized incoherently, "I'm not buying..."
"You can buy it too, and buy the piece next to it." Zhou Chen let go of me and shook his head bitterly, "I'm nine years older than you, whoever walks in front doesn't..."
"No." I covered his mouth reflexively, "You won't."
The air suddenly froze, and he looked at me deeply. Such fiery eyes even shook my previous thoughts in a certain moment.
After looking at it for a long time, he grabbed my hand, pressed it to his lips, and kissed my palm.
The crisp and numb sensation spread all over my body, and every inch of my skin became hot.
He said, "I'll live one day longer than you."
I don't know how I got home. Every step I took was like stepping on a vacuum. Although the temperature had dropped, I felt extremely hot.
When I got home, I found that my palms were covered with sweat. Zhou Chen must be able to feel it by holding him all the way.
Will he hate me...
Before I had time to figure this out, a voice suddenly came from the TV to interrupt the news:
"Song, chairman of Feiwen Group, was detained by the police at about 11:40 this morning on suspicion of illegal fund-raising, bribery, and tax evasion..."
Non-text? Why is it so familiar.
I looked over, and sure enough, I saw Song Zhiqian's slapped face on the screen.
Didn't Zhou Chen say that he went abroad? Why was he arrested...
I went back to look for Zhou Chen again, and saw that he had changed into home clothes, glasses on the bridge of his nose, and a cup of steaming coffee in his hand, standing not far behind me, his eyes fixed on the TV screen without any waves.
"Is he...?" I asked blankly.
"Not sure." He shook his head lightly, "Are you worried?"
"I... have nothing to do with me."
He hummed, unable to understand what it meant. After a while, he said unhurriedly: "The law has its own judgment, I hope he can do it for himself."
After speaking, he leaned over to pick up the remote control and turned off the TV.