"I know everything. You... you always said I was stupid," Lin Weixia said while sobbing. She couldn't breathe because her nose was blocked due to crying too hard. "You are the big fool!"
Lin Weixia walked forward and stood behind Ban Sheng. As she got closer and smelled the familiar clean scent on him, she cried again like a loser, crying restrainedly and carefully, her tears falling down, feeling heartbroken and regretful.
Why couldn't she find out sooner
Ban Sheng put his hand on the crotch of his pants, his curled slender fingers moved, he turned around, his tall figure loomed over her, raised his hand to wipe her tears, his voice hoarse:
"I just can't bear to see you like this, so I don't dare to tell you."
Lin Weixia cried so hard that she was out of breath. Her vision was blurry and she burped. Her eyes and nose were red. She said in a muffled voice:
"Don't try to drive me away."
When Ban Sheng was about to say something, the door was pushed open and a nurse came in with a medical cart. She began to skillfully remove the blood collection needle and spoke:
"Family members of the patient, please leave for a moment."
A nurse came forward and asked Ban Sheng to return to the ward. Lin Weixia walked out and stood outside the door with her hand on the door handle. Through a gap, she could clearly see Ban Sheng lying on the ward, with a look of boredom and numbness on his cold and pale face. The blood collection needle pierced into his light blue vein and the blood flowed through the siphon.
Her heart skipped a beat, as if someone was scratching her heart with a piece of sharp broken glass.
Lin Weixia counted and found that a total of ten tubes of blood were collected.
The door was finally closed. Lin Weixia went to the hospital bathroom, turned on the faucet, and splashed water on her face over and over again. The cold water splashed on her face, and she shivered at first, but later her five senses became numb.
She stopped.
A face that was clearly detached and restrained appeared in front of the mirror, but her eyes and nose were still red. Lin Weixia stood there, taking deep breaths repeatedly to calm herself down.
"Lin Weixia, you can't cry in front of him anymore." Lin Weixia said seriously, a tear quickly dripped onto her arm and quickly melted on her skin.
People with depression have fluctuating emotions, anxiety and pessimism, and are already in a low-energy field. All Lin Weixia can do is to be the person that Laban brings out, letting him bask in the sunshine and feel that everything around him is positive feedback.
After washing her face, Lin Weixia went to visit Ban Sheng's attending physician. The doctor was sitting at his desk, opening the patient's medical records on the computer. He said in a gentle voice:
"We will first try medication, psychotherapy, and light therapy. Later, we will see whether to use mect (electroconvulsive therapy), electroacupuncture, and other treatments based on the patient's response and physical condition. But his biggest problem is mental illness."
"Okay, I got it. Thank you, doctor." Lin Weixia came back to her senses after a while.
After Lin Weixia returned, she quit Song Yihang's part-time job. Apart from school, the place where she spent most of her time every day was the hospital.
She would often eat with Ban Sheng and accompany him downstairs for exercise training. When Lin Weixia noticed that Ban Sheng's appetite had decreased, she would get up early in the morning and start making lunch boxes when it was just dawn, and then bring them to the hospital.
The lunch boxes made by Lin Weixia strictly follow the menu for patients with depression, but she also asked people around him what Ban Sheng liked to eat and then wrote it down.
On Friday, at 12 noon, Lin Weixia and Ban Sheng were eating in the hospital cafeteria. The sun shone in through the southeast glass, falling on the dining table and Ban Sheng. His mental state improved a little, and he returned to his carefree self.
Lin Weixia opened the lunch box and handed him the chopsticks and spoon. Ban Sheng raised his eyebrows. They were all his favorite dishes.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you didn't like celery." Lin Weixia said with guilt.
Ban Sheng smiled faintly, looked at her and said, "I'm not that pretentious. I really didn't like it at first, but I started to like it after eating it more."
Lin Weixia raised a faint smile at the corner of her lips. The two sat face to face, eating quietly and chatting from time to time. Lin Weixia wanted to share a funny thing that happened recently with Ban Sheng to make him happy. Just as she was about to open her mouth, her pupils shrank sharply when she saw the scene in front of her.
She clearly saw a girl sitting behind Bansheng eating quietly. When the people next to her were not paying attention, she suddenly stabbed her wrist with the spoon in her hand, and blood gushed out.
The crowd started to riot, and relatives nearby and the security guard patrolling the cafeteria immediately rushed over to stop it. The girl collapsed and screamed.
The girl's eyes collided with Lin Weixia in mid-air, and she saw a strong determination to die in the girl's eyes.
I was shocked.
I am very afraid of losing Bansheng.
Ban Sheng did not react to this situation. He turned his head, glanced at them extremely coldly, then retracted his gaze and ate his meal slowly.
Lin Weixia looked at the spoon at his base nervously and asked softly, "You won't do that, right?"
Ban Sheng's cheeks puffed up slowly. He waited until he finished chewing his food before speaking. He chuckled and said something that didn't matter:
"I tried it before when I was in the hospital."
Ban Sheng said this casually, and only realized something was wrong after he finished speaking. The atmosphere quieted down, and Lin Weixia's dark eyelashes drooped. She subconsciously used chopsticks to pick up rice, but she didn't eat it. There was heartache hidden under her eyelashes.
Ban Sheng put down the spoon, raised his hand to pinch her face, raised his eyebrows, and said in a relaxed tone: "I was kidding, little girls can't stand jokes. I'm asking for a beating, poking myself with a spoon."
"Really?" Lin Weixia rolled her eyes, and there was a hint of anger in her eyes.
"Really." Bansheng answered affirmatively.
The sun was very bright at noon, shining brightly on people. After returning to the ward after lunch, Lin Weixia saw that the weather was warm, so she opened the floor-to-ceiling window, moved two chairs to the terrace, and dragged Ban Sheng out to bask in the sun.
Ban Sheng leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes lazily, while Lin Weixia sat beside him, her hand against his, comparing the size of her hand with his out of boredom in the sunlight.
Unexpectedly, the boy took her hand, opened his eyes, and smiled: "Baby, lend me your phone."
After he was hospitalized, Ban Sheng's cell phone, lighter, cigarettes and other items were all confiscated.
"No problem." Lin Weixia took out her phone from her pocket and handed it to him, saying generously, "Play as you like."
Lin Weixia suddenly stood up from the chair, returned to the ward, picked up a cup and walked to the water dispenser to get hot water. Steaming water flowed out from the blue button. She suddenly remembered something, turned off the hot water, put down the cup, and said to the back:
"Wait a moment!"
Lin Weixia strode over, and Ban Sheng leaned over slightly. The row of spinous processes on the back of his neck looked transparent in the sunlight, but it was too late. His thumb stayed on the screen, and his gaze stopped and never moved away.
The page where Ban Sheng stopped was the one where the school’s official website announced the suspension of his experimental projects.
"The school is already investigating and the results will be out soon. Just treat those who maliciously throw mud at you as mad dogs." Lin Weixia comforted softly.
Moreover, the school soon found out about Ban Sheng's hospitalization. She didn't tell Ban Sheng because she didn't want these things to disturb his mood.
Ban Sheng returned the phone to her, smiled, and said casually:
"I have always had this disease. It was at its worst during the two years I was abroad. At that time, I began to go in and out of the hospital frequently and ask my attending doctor for medicine, but I refused psychological counseling and did not listen to his nagging. I did not want to quit smoking and drinking, and I did not want to tell others about my problems. There was nothing to say. When the disease was serious, I would increase the dosage of the medicine."
Ban Sheng actually knew about those anonymous reports at the first time, but they were wrong about one thing. What he took were not banned drugs, but ordinary anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drugs.
The others were not wrong either, because of Bansheng's mood swings and long-term medication, he did become dependent on the drugs. Sometimes after taking the drugs, he would see a colorful patch of colors, and then he would have hallucinations and could clearly see some formulas and knowledge.
When Ban Sheng's brain is excited, he will stay in the laboratory to complete the tasks assigned by his tutor.
"And you, use less dirty talk." Ban Sheng pinched her face again.
Lin Weixia grumbled unconvincedly: "I know, who told them to treat you like that."
Ban Sheng was stunned for a moment, then he let out a low laugh: "Okay, I have someone to protect me too."
Bansheng's condition is sometimes good and sometimes bad, which is mostly related to his sleep and the dreams he has.
After measuring blood pressure and drawing blood every day, I have to be supervised to do some psychological treatment and various CT examinations regularly.
At that time, Ban Sheng was in a very bad temper. He felt like a prisoner without dignity. All his belongings were confiscated and he was forced to do repetitive training.
During the time in the hospital, Ban Sheng became increasingly thinner, with only a skeleton left of his body. His eyes became increasingly darker, filled with hostility. Looking into his eyes was like falling into the abyss.
Sometimes Ban Sheng's throat itched badly and he wanted to smoke, but he didn't have any cigarettes on him. His mood would fluctuate greatly. When he was going through these ups and downs, a white palm stretched out to him, on which lay a plum candy, and met a pair of smiling eyes:
"Clang clang! Quit smoking candy. I'll bring you one every day from now on."
"Silly." Ban Sheng laughed at her, but still took it.
After measuring and taking the medicine, Ban Sheng was tired of lying down and wanted to go outside to get some fresh air, but his whole condition was very bad. His face was pale, he looked obviously decadent, and his expression was cold and tired.
Lin Weixia's lips moved, as if she wanted to say something, but she held back.
"Then drink some water before going down."
Lin Weixia picked up a transparent glass and walked to the water dispenser to get water. After the hot water was ready, she turned around and handed the cup over. Her cold fingertips touched the hand and her palms wrapped around the cup.
Lin Weixia let go of her hand at the right time, and Ban Sheng took the cup. His hand shook uncontrollably, and the cup shook. It fell to the ground with a sharp sound, and broke into pieces.
Ban Sheng stood there in a daze. A burst of hot water scalded the back of his hand. There was no expression on his face and he didn't feel any pain.
When Lin Weixia heard the noise, she immediately turned around, took his hand and checked to see if he was okay. After confirming that he was okay, she squatted down to clean up. While picking up the broken glass and throwing it into the trash can, she said with a smile: "Do you want to play basketball later? I'll accompany you..."
Lin Weixia was picking up the fragments when Ban Sheng leaned over and grabbed her arm, trying to pull her up. He spoke in a hoarse voice:
"Lin Weixia."
"Hmm?" Lin Weixia responded with a smile.
Ban Sheng's voice was very deep, and a few words rolled out from his Adam's apple, with a difficult tone:
"Can you please just leave me alone?"
I am not worthy of your love now.
Ban Sheng often felt like a waste, unable to do anything, and unable to do anything well. His self-control and emotional control became very poor. Sometimes when he couldn't sleep late at night, Ban Sheng woke up from his dream and felt like a speck of dust on the subway track. No one could see him and no one would be hurt because of him.
You can hide yourself or disappear.
Sometimes I feel like a piece of chewing gum stuck to the carpet. The vacuum cleaner tries very hard to remove it, but it is useless. The owner gets angry and squats down to pick out the blackened chewing gum with his fingers and throws it into the trash can without hesitation.
Finally got rid of him. A smile appeared on the corner of the master's mouth.
The atmosphere was extremely quiet, with only the ticking sound of the clock on the wall. Lin Weixia looked up at him, and seeing his thin and cold features, her nose felt sore, but she tried her best not to cry. She reached out and hugged him, putting her face on his chest, and kept saying:
"It's okay. It's going to be fine."
Ban Sheng raised his hand and hesitated for a moment, then placed his palm on the back of her head. He didn't say anything. Lin Weixia felt a tear flowing into her neck, wet and very cold.
After calming Ban Sheng down, and considering that he soon felt sleepy after taking the medicine, Lin Weixia covered him with a quilt and carefully closed the door.
Lin Weixia came to the flower bed downstairs in the hospital, took out a cigarette from her pocket, put it between her red lips, lit it skillfully, and white smoke floated across her cold face.
I took out my phone and looked through the contacts. The screen stopped at Wu Suan's phone number. I hesitated for a moment and called. The phone rang for a long time before I picked it up. A pleasant female voice came from the other end of the phone:
"Hello."
"Senior, it's me. It's like this, Asheng is in the hospital," Lin Weixia told her everything while smoking.
Lin Weixia held the phone to her ear and said in a calm tone: "When I was in high school, I promised him that I would accompany him to find his mother. But I don't have his family's contact information. After thinking about it, you are his distant cousin, and you grew up together."
A cold wind blew over, and the sky was gray. Lin Weixia looked down at the dead leaves that fell on the ground, and paused: "Senior, I want to help him find his mother. You don't have any clues about his mother, or where she was?"
Even though the hope was slim, she still wanted to give it a try.
There was a long silence on the other end of the receiver, which seemed to strangle the person's breath. Cheng Wusuan hesitated for a while and said, "Asheng's mother died when he was ten years old."