As far as Duan Xu could remember, his mother was the thin figure in the Buddhist temple, who spent her days with scriptures, wooden fish, and incense ashes. He heard that although his mother believed in Buddhism before, she was far from being so obsessed and devout. He didn't know how she had devoted herself to Buddhism almost wholeheartedly since he was three years old. Later, he learned that his mother had a fiancé, and found that those years were the time when his father re-investigated the old case and redressed his mother's former fiancé.
She lives in this world, has a husband and children, but she is someone else's widow. Is she really praying for the well-being of her family, or for her lover who died unjustly
When he knew this, he suddenly realized that he used to think his mother was cold and indifferent, and probably didn't know how to love. It turned out that she did, she had a passionate and deep love, but she just didn't give it to him. That young love seemed to have burned out all her strength, and she could no longer spare a bit of energy to give to others. What she did in this world was in accordance with etiquette and rules, just to prevent others from disturbing her from continuing to miss that person.
She said she felt guilty towards him, he believed she felt guilty, but he also didn't believe she really felt guilty. Her guilt was mostly about escaping from him, staying away from him, praying for him in front of the Buddha, and leaving him behind.
This kind of guilt is a kind of guilt that has no intention of changing and will continue to be let down.
His father and mother, one was too rude to him, the other was too polite; one didn't care about love, the other regarded love as everything in life. He felt that this was not normal, but he didn't know what normal love should be like, so that now that he fell in love with someone, he couldn't get any comfort or help from them.
Shen Ying thought for a long time with a sad face beside him, and then whispered: "It would be better if Xiaoxiao sister was here."
"Why?" Duan Xu asked with a smile.
Shen Ying said seriously: “She will definitely comfort you well, and you won’t be so sad.”
Duan Xu lowered his eyes, still smiling, and said softly: "Fortunately, I'm not that sad."
But he also hoped that she could come here.
Just like when he was a child, he stubbornly hoped that his mother could walk out of the Buddhist temple by herself.
Two days later, Duan Xu sent his mother and Duan Jingyuan out of the city to Jin'an Temple. Duan Jingyuan was very good at acting like a spoiled child, and pestered his mother to squeeze into a sedan chair. Duan Xu rode his horse beside the sedan chair, and saw the curtain of the sedan chair being lifted. Duan Jingyuan leaned on the window with a charming smile on her face, and said, "Third brother, I think the girls my father picked for you are not very good-looking, and they are not worthy of my amazing third brother. How about going to the temple today and I will help you find a marriage partner? What kind of girl do you like?"
Duan Jingyuan said that her third brother was crooked, but in her heart she felt that her third brother was the best-looking man in Nandu, and maybe the best-looking man in the world, and he was also good at both literature and martial arts. A young man riding a white horse with a golden saddle, walking down the street attracted countless girls to peek.
This time, the third brother came back from the border more mature, and his fame among her unmarried friends had surpassed that of the previously popular Fang Xianye, making him the best candidate for her future husband.
The third brother looked at her, his blue swallowtail hairband was blown by the wind, and she felt that his expression was a little sad. But soon Duan Xu smiled as usual, leaned over and waved to her, and Duan Jingyuan leaned over to hear her brother say: "I like this girl who doesn't exist in this world."
"… "
Duan Jingyuan said, "I understand. I will ask the Buddha to let the fairy Chang'e come down to earth to find you."
Duan Xu laughed loudly and said, "Okay, okay, may the Buddha have mercy on me, maybe I can really hear it?"
He sent his mother and Duan Jingyuan to the front of Jin'an Temple and helped his mother get off the sedan chair. Jingyuan jumped off the sedan chair and repeatedly asked him if he was really not going in. He confirmed that he was not going in as he had done every time before, and watched the servant and Duan Jingyuan help his mother along the steps toward the bright yellow hall.
Devotees came and went passing by him. Duan Xu stood with his hands behind his back, gazing at the majestic and solemn Buddhist temple in the morning sun. The sound of bells could be heard from afar, the sun refracted dazzling light on the incense burner, and billows of smoke rose.
It seems that the wishes of all the people who come here will turn into a wisp of white smoke in the incense burner in the hall, rising continuously to the distant sky, reaching the presence of the merciful god with lowered brows and eyes, to be listened to and pitied by him.
He didn't like these temples when he was a child, perhaps he thought that if the Buddha had mercy on him, he would return his mother to him. However, people's wishes in this world conflict with each other. If one wish is fulfilled, another will be sacrificed. The gods would be in trouble, so they had to fulfill his mother's wish and gave him the mentality of not believing in gods and Buddhas.
Buddha is merciful.
When Duan Jingyuan said these words to him, he wondered for a moment, could the Buddha really give him guidance
Then he realized that he had actually given in during this long struggle, and almost bowed down before the gods and Buddhas he had rejected. It was just that he had been holding onto this love that had no beginning and no end for too long, and he was unwilling to finish this article, nor could he choose words or sentences to write a complete chapter.
He didn't know who understood, maybe God would understand.
Duan Xu stood there thinking for a long time, and with his meager knowledge of the Buddha, he murmured, "I haven't heard that the Buddha or monks have wives. I guess they don't understand it either."
After saying that, he laughed, turned around, mounted his horse, and rode away.
Today was cloudy and it looked like it was going to rain. It had been brewing for a long time and finally poured down at noon. The fine rain seemed to connect the sky and the earth. It was so heavy that even with an umbrella, one would get wet. Duan Jingyuan grabbed a bunch of gardenias and took her maid to hide under the eaves of a side hall of the Buddhist temple.
The maid helped her wipe off the water droplets on her body while saying, "It's really summer now. It has been raining a lot these days. It's not worth it if you catch a cold while picking flowers."
Duan Jingyuan glared and said, "Pooh, pooh, pooh, can you say something nice?"
As soon as he finished speaking, a figure in blue came into view. It was a thin, well-mannered young man who came under the eaves with his servant to shelter from the rain.
Duan Jingyuan looked at the man. He was dressed elegantly, with a white jade crown and a gold-rimmed headband, and dark blue clothes embroidered with deer patterns. He was obviously from an official family, with deep and delicate eyebrows and eyes, and looked somewhat similar to her third brother. However, they gave people completely different feelings, one moving and the other still. The man had a completely quiet and steady temperament, like the mist in the distant mountains.
She felt a bit fond of him, so she asked openly, "May I ask which family this young master is from?"
The man turned around and looked at her. He seemed to know her and bowed, "Hello, Miss Duan. I come from a poor family and am not a young master of any family. My last name is Fang Ji, and my courtesy name is Xianye."
Duan Jingyuan's eyelids twitched, and he asked in surprise: "Fang Xianye?"
Is this Fang Xianye who always goes against her father and third brother
In the past, the female relatives had always mentioned this to her, or secretly pointed out Fang Xianye for her to see. However, because this man had caused her third brother so much misery, she felt uncomfortable and didn't want to even glance at him, so she didn't recognize him at first sight today.
The little bit of goodwill that Duan Jingyuan had just felt immediately vanished into thin air.
As if sensing Duan Jingyuan's change of mood, Fang Xianye stood up and looked at her inquiringly. Duan Jingyuan said perfunctorily, "It turns out to be Master Fang. I heard that you are the most talented scholar in Nandu. Half of the most brilliant articles in the world are written by you. I have long admired you."
Fang Xianye smiled and shook his head modestly: "Miss Duan, you are too kind. Even if the article is shocking, it is just a living thing on paper."
Duan Jingyuan was stunned.
Deep in her distant memory, she went back to her hometown in Daizhou to visit her grandmother in the summer many years ago. She said that the articles written by her third brother were the best in the world. At that time, her third brother was covered in sunlight, and his appearance was no longer clear. He just took the article from her hand, and he smelled of orchids. He smiled and said lightly: Even if the article shocked the whole country, it was just a life on paper.
She suddenly became a little angry and blurted out, "Why are you talking like my third brother?"
The handsome and calm man was stunned by her groundless accusation, and then he slowly understood what she meant. He chuckled and whispered, "You have a good memory."
"What did you say?" Duan Jingyuan didn't hear clearly.
"Nothing. General Duan is from a famous family. Of course I can't compare to him."
Fang Xianye acted very modestly, which made Duan Jingyuan feel that she had gone too far. She said in her heart that this Lord Fang was really hypocritical, and turned her head away from him. She looked at the heavy rain outside the eaves, and wondered why the rain didn't stop, forcing her to stay with this guy.
The man beside him seemed to chuckle, and then he was heard calling his servant: "He Zhi, let's go."
The fourteen or fifteen-year-old servant was surprised and said, "Sir, in such heavy rain, we will get wet even with an umbrella, not to mention that we don't have an umbrella."
"You still know that you forgot to bring an umbrella when you went out on such a gloomy day." Fang Xianye scolded him neither lightly nor harshly, and was about to walk into the rain.
Duan Jingyuan wondered if he wanted to leave because he noticed her dislike for him. Although she felt very uncomfortable living under the same roof with him, it would be too unreasonable to let him walk in such heavy rain.
She immediately grabbed him and said, "Master Fang, you don't have to..."
Fang Xianye paused, his eyes fell on her hand holding his sleeve, Duan Jingyuan's eyes also fell. She thought it was indeed a bit abrupt, and just as she was about to withdraw her hand, she found a long and thin scar on the back of his hand, which went deep into the sleeve and could not be seen.
She forgot about the abruptness for a moment and asked in surprise, "Why is there such a deep scar on your hand?"
Fang Xianye was silent for a while, then said lightly: "On the way to Beijing to take the exam, I encountered robbers and almost lost my life. Fortunately, Pei Guogong rescued and took me in. This scar was left at that time. It injured the meridians so this hand is weak. Fortunately, my left hand does not need to hold a pen to write."
"I see... There was unrest around Nandu a few years ago, and my third brother also encountered robbers..." Duan Jingyuan said this, thinking that he was helping Duke Pei as a way of repaying a favor, and it was probably understandable. After all, Duke Pei was just a jerk.
Fang Xianye pointed at his sleeves and said, "Miss Duan, are you going to keep pulling me like this?"
Duan Jingyuan came back to her senses and hurriedly loosened his sleeves. She cleared her throat, looked Fang Xianye up and down, and said hesitantly, "I heard that you have a grudge against my family... Is it true?"
Could there be some misunderstanding
Fang Xianye seemed very surprised. His eyes widened, but soon returned to normal. He smiled faintly and said, "I am just a commoner. I have never met Lord Duan before I passed the imperial examination. How can there be hatred?"
Duan Jingyuan thought for a moment and felt that it was indeed the case. It was difficult for this person to have any connection with their family, otherwise in Nandu, where information circulates so quickly, she should have heard something from him long ago.
She then asked: "Do you have something urgent to do?"
"No."
"Then continue to hide from the rain under this eaves."
"I am..."
"If you leave, it means you hate me and don't want to be with me."
Fang Xianye was silent for a while, and after receiving the approving look from his servant Hezhi, he stopped going into the rain. The sound of rain was heavy, and Duan Jingyuan looked up at the water drops falling from the eaves, thinking that Fang Xianye was not as annoying as he had imagined.