Xie Qingcheng was numb for a long time before finally realizing that he was in tears.
It felt foreign.
He thought slowly, so he still sheds tears, doesn't he
His heart was finally full, and the emotions he couldn't digest poured out, becoming tears that he didn't want to fall.
So cowardly.
he thinks.
So sad.
He is three or three years old, why would a man of this age be "forced" to this point? He doesn't like any weak label of himself, he always wants to be a strong elder who can give people an infinite sense of trust, but it's just one night, just one night.
It's all ruined.
At this moment, he suddenly felt infinitely exhausted. He seemed to have walked a long, long way and persisted alone for a long time. He wanted to remove all the thorns on this road within a limited time, so that The people he protects can walk a smooth path after he leaves.
He wanted to teach them how to keep going.
As a reliable brother.
But in the eyes of the younger generation, he served people with lust, and was a homosexual who shamelessly entangled with boys.
In the eyes of the younger generation, he can play around with him, a hypocrite who can't bear to be lewd.
Xie Qingcheng was hugged by He Yu and raised his hand to free him. He was calm and terrifying, so calm that He Yu dared not go crazy again. In the end, before the tears were dry, he said almost numbly, "Let go, He Yu."
"...I know you like me, I thought I could control your feelings. I overestimated myself. I pulled you up, but I fell with you... I should stay away from the day I know you like me By your side. I originally thought I could let you down slowly, but in fact I just let you sink deeper and deeper and gave you unnecessary hope."
Even let myself fall into it.
"I'm too conceited."
"I made mistakes in judgment time and time again, and hurt you time and time again. It's my fault that I've come to this point."
He Yu shook his head, already weeping.
Xie Qingcheng slowly rolled his eyes and set his eyes on his face, but the focus was still in his eyes.
"...you seem to be more sad than happy when you are with me. You almost never cried before, but now you always cry in front of me."
He Yu wiped away his tears and said hoarsely, "No, Brother Xie. I... Every day I am with you, I am very happy, I... "
"Then are you still happy now?"
"… "
"We always have to face this day, He Yu." Xie Qingcheng's voice was like a pool of stagnant water, no waves, "Think about it, I'm a divorced man who is three years older than you, I Never been gay. I'm…”
He paused for a moment, then gritted his posterior molars, and then struggled to say what he had humiliated and admitted to himself before.
"I had that relationship with you because I was drunk with "drugs" by you, and I lost my head, and it slowly became what I am today. Do you remember?"
He Yu seemed to have been slapped hard, and he couldn't take any words at once.
"Do you think I'll accept you?"
Xie Qingcheng said, so wooden, so cold, and so broken, he dug out the fragments of his heart, bit by bit, with blood, and presented them piece by piece in front of He Yu.
"You know, after that night with you in the clubhouse, I kept having nightmares, and every day I woke up I felt so sick, I was a man... He Yu, I'm a fucking man I sent you in because I couldn't hold my face, I'm not gay."
He Yu's eyes were scarlet, but his eyes were wet: "Then do you think I am?"
"… "
"Do you think I am, Brother Xie?"
He hugged him and kept asking him that.
"Do you think I am..."
That voice was so helpless, so weak.
Xie Qingcheng didn't want to listen any more.
He had never thought about reversing the old accounts with He Yu before. He had always covered the wounds he had suffered, so as not to let He Yu see his scars and blood.
And now he had to chase him away.
Although he had gone through so many lives and deaths, he had no longer wanted to hold grudges against He Yu's mistake for a glass of wine, but he had to show him all those wounds and force him to leave .
"You?... You are." Finally, Xie Qingcheng slowly propped himself up and sat up. He pushed He Yu away, using the hand that was almost weak.
His eyes were red, and his clothes were tidied up, as if at the same time, he had tidied up his embarrassment tonight, and the soldiers were in chaos.
He took a deep breath and said to him in the calmest and most determined voice: "I don't know if you used to be, but now you are gay, and I don't."
"What I'm thinking about is that we are both men. Even if two men are asleep, there is still a relationship... If you want to ask me why I am sleeping with you - then I will answer you - I am holding such a self-defeating attitude later on. My mind is numbing myself, making mistakes with you again and again. It's me who's fucking dizzy, not liking you. Do you understand?"
These words he had said before, and those words he planned to say later, were all said at this moment, as if he had been kicked in the heart of the young man.
After Xie Qingcheng finished speaking, his eyes were a little red because of his emotions. He got up, his chest heaved, his eyes were down, and he stared at the boy who was sitting stiffly.
He realized that if he just said things that didn't hurt people, or even blamed himself, for fear of He Yu's illness, then He Yu would never give up.
He finally said hoarsely: "Now I have decided to end it. Let's turn the page. Will it be possible to turn the page? Do you want me to teach you how to do it?"
He Yu said sadly: "Brother..."
"… "
"I can't turn the page... I really like you... I know we have a lot of bad memories in the past... But can you tell me... how we can do it all over again... how... "
Xie Qingcheng's expression was so cruel, but the end of his eyes were still wet. He stared at He Yu for a while and said, "..."
"Come on, He Yu. I don't need your compensation or your apology. I told you about the clubhouse, not for anything, just to remind you that it's impossible for me to love a man. If you really I feel guilty about that past, I just ask you one thing."
"… "
"From now on, please take care of yourself, don't hurt yourself, don't hurt others, do your best, live well, and be a good person. After that, please - the farther away you are from me, the better."
He paused.
"This is the greatest kindness you can give me."
"… "
"Just be quiet for a while."
"… elder brother… "
"I'm leaving."
He didn't want to keep this dormitory at all, he was so uncomfortable, he needed to go back to a place that could be called "home" to curl up and heal.
Even though he had already lost his parents, his sister had also left home.
But he was still in a small house in Moyu Lane, which was where he could finally rest and hide to comfort himself.
After he finished speaking, he pushed open the door and walked out.
"Brother Xie... Brother Xie!"
He Yu woke up like a dream, and staggered after him, trying to grab his hand.
But Xie Qingcheng looked back at him in the aisle, and he said, "Do you really want to continue 'persecuting' me, and 'persecuting' yourself?"
"… "
"I said we'll be on this day, He Yu."
"You should let it go."
The moonlight shone diagonally, he was on one side of the aisle, He Yu was on the other side, and a little moonlight spilled in from the side-opening window grille.
Xie Qingcheng stared at He Yu for a while, and his increasingly blurred vision made him unable to see He Yu's expression clearly by the moonlight. He turned around and left.
When he left, his eyes were so tired and so tired that he became an iron chain full of thorns, tying into He Yu's flesh and blood, binding his whole body.
This time, He Yu, come after him again.
But when he reached the stairs, He Yu shouted, "Xie Qingcheng."
The voice seemed to be bloody, choked with drowsiness, like the wailing of a wolf dog who was at a loss after going mad.
Xie Qingcheng closed his eyes, turned his head, and when he walked down the steps, He Yu shouted again: "Xie Qingcheng!"
The voice was a little louder than before, and it was a little more desperate, as if he wanted to turn him back, even if he only stopped for a while.
Xie Qingcheng seemed to be colder than ice and harder than iron, and he still gave him half a point even for a pause.
Xie Qingcheng finally disappeared around the corner, and after the empty aisle, the last voice came faintly: "Xie Qingcheng..."
Perhaps the distance is far away. Listening to it, this sound is terrifyingly heavy, like a person who was killed after struggling hard, blood wasting, and he became a ghost again. With hatred and wounds, he faintly floated from the dead body. stand up.
Xie Qing Chengfeng stopped his heart, like a soulless puppet, without turning his head, he completely left this long and empty corridor.
He's gone.
He Yu lowered his head and slowly curled up, as if he had been stabbed by a blunt object.
The chest hurts badly again.
It really hurts, the pain he's ever felt.
He raised his eyes and looked at the direction where Xie Qingcheng was leaving, as if even his pupils were red.
"Xie Qingcheng..."
He shivered, hugged himself, and muttered absently...
He is so uncomfortable, the monitoring tape is completely red, he urgently needs to take "medicine"... He wants to take "medicine"... He can't let him look down... "medicine"... "medicine"...!
He rushed into Xie Qingcheng's dormitory, wailing heart-rendingly. While he was trying to restrain himself, he was about to be "driven" crazy by strong emotions. He went to pour water... He took the "medicine" he had been carrying with him these days...
He Yu was so devastated that he even noticed that behind the pillar he had never seen, a man had been standing all the time, his expression seemed more numb and painful than his—
It's Chen slow.
Chen walked slowly.
Because he was worried about Xie Qingcheng, he actually kept leaving, but hid behind the pillars in the corridor outside the dormitory. So he saw such a strong entanglement between them, and heard all the conversations between Xie Qingcheng and He Yu.
Chen slow stood there with cold hands and feet, as if his soul had been taken away from his body and taken away.
Chen slow looked down at his trembling hands...
Obviously he met first.
But because of his pure kindness, gentleness, forbearance... all missed... all missed! !
He raised his head, unwillingness and pain melted his heart, and his eyes were already blood red.