Since then, Xie Qingcheng has carried out these experiments almost without sleep... It seems that only in this way can his state of mind be kept peaceful.
Only then can he feel that his life is not completely destroyed, but still has value.
But the problem is that if you keep experimenting with your own body, even rn-13's perfect remodeled person can't bear that kind of physical/physical pain sometimes.
Although the mental Ebola senses are more numb than normal people, but the pain is to the bone, and it will still be unbearable.
Xie Qingcheng's experiments have always been carried out behind Qin Ciyan's back.
Until one day, when he was taking his own arm for a burn drug test, he was met by Qin Ciyan who accidentally came in to get something, and his self-destructive scientific research behavior was discovered.
Qin Ciyan was furious and immediately stopped his studies in the institute.
He asked Xie Qingcheng: "Isn't your life not your life? Who are you torturing by such behavior?"
"I don't feel pain."
"People who get these experimental results will feel pain!"
Qin Ciyan said angrily.
"Do you know why I rejected American friends? Do you know why I didn't participate in the development of rn13?! This drug can obviously save people and save some experimental subjects, but I don't think it's a good thing, you know why?!"
"Because no medical experiment is more important than human life. Saving lives is one of the meanings of scientific research, but it is not based on the blood of living people!"
Xie Qingcheng wrapped the gauze for himself and slowly put down his white sleeves. Then he got up and looked into Qin Ciyan's eyes: "But teacher. This is the only thing I can do now."
"Since I got sick, I seem to be a waste. I can't do things that were easy to do in the past."
"Can you understand the feeling of powerlessness that you can't grasp when the power goes away? Like facing time, facing gravity, facing all the things that can't be resisted."
"I tried to get used to it, but I couldn't get used to it... My body healed, but my heart seemed to have rotted away in the car accident that should have killed me. I often wake up from dreams and feel like my chest is empty... I'd love to take a knife and cut open my chest to see what's left inside."
"I feel like I'm just a body revived from a dead body. In this world, I don't have any role to play except to take care of my family..."
When Xie Qingcheng said this, he closed his eyes.
"I can't even take care of my family. My sister, Tong Yan Wuji, told me more than once that she thinks I've changed."
"She thinks I..." Xie Qingcheng's voice was stern, and after a while, she said with difficulty, "She thinks I... not her eldest brother."
When he said this, even though he held back, his eyes were still red.
It was the young little sister who kept him alive at first.
But even his sister said so about him—and the girl was only five years old, and she had no twists and turns, she would say whatever she felt.
This accusation is not intentional, but a young child's heartfelt discomfort and unease.
Xie Qingcheng often felt blood on his body and invisible viruses all over his body, so he gradually didn't dare to hug her.
He sat on the bed at night, watching that little life in the dim moonlight.
She loves him.
So her words can hurt him the most.
He felt that his body had been riddled with holes in the car accident, and he finally recovered a heart from the blood. , even if it is broken, I want to return to the girl's side.
The puppet bear clumsily, dirty, covered in mess, streaked with lines, from the trash can, returned home, he opened his big hands and slowly waved to the little girl he cherished most.
No one knows how much he paid for this chance to wave to her clumsily.
But she said, you are not him.
She looked at her worn doll and said, you are not a brother.
You see, you have wires, you are broken.
i want my brother...
The elder brother is intact, and the elder brother will not have such a ferocious and terrifying wound.
Brother doesn't scare me.
"I think I'm back, from the underworld. But I seem to have lost myself."
Xie Qingcheng said softly.
"I wasn't like this before."
"I've never lost my temper at her before. I've never had the strength to carry her all the way home. I used to..."
When Xie Qingcheng said these words, he didn't show much expression.
It seems to make him feel ruthless. He has no emotions.
But when it came to this, he couldn't go on.
Throat is sore.
Qin Ciyan knew that it was not that he had no sorrow, but that in order to return from the gate of hell, he had been deprived of even the joys, sorrows and joys of being a human being.
In order to survive, he must remain calm all the time.
Because every emotional ups and downs induces psychosis, and every episode of this psychosis is more severe than the last.
Xie Qingcheng paused for a long time before he said numbly, "I don't think I have any meaning to live anymore."
"I can neither make her happy nor bring any value to other people. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, and I don't want to come to this world without leaving anything meaningful."
"I was really desperate for a while. Until you brought me to the lab. Until I found out that... my mind, my body... can withstand abnormal pressure, and in some areas of disease research, I can use this With a numb body, walks farther than others."
"I really don't feel pain, teacher. Blood and sickness are nothing. The most terrible thing is that my heart is dead. The most terrible thing is that I can't do anything. I'm alive but I'm a complete waste. I don't want that."
He raised his eyes and looked at Qin Ciyan, his peach blossom eyes seemed to be covered with large swathes of haggard.
"Teacher, I feel very painful. I don't want others to feel the same pain as me. I met a child with brain cancer at the gate of the institute on the weekend. He was very young, only seven or eight years old. His parents were so Sad, but not giving up hope... People can't overcome disease, but not being able to overcome does not mean surrendering without a fight."
"I don't want to succumb to suffering. Maybe my life is over, but at least I can do things that normal people can't do in those invisible battles with diseases."
"I think maybe that's what I'm going to live...the next 20 years of my life."
"I'm going to die standing up. I'm going to die doing what I'm supposed to do."
"Teacher. This is the meaning of my life."
His blood seeped from under the gauze.
"I'm sorry, I've been hiding from you."
Qin Ciyan couldn't tell how he felt at that time.
anger? distressed
It seems that he can't fully outline his heart.
What is life, he thought.
What is the core that supports everyone's survival
It is existence, it is value.
It's what you've done and how much blood you've given.
Life is never about getting. Getting is just a kind of nourishment that makes one live better. But no matter how much you get, when death sings, death will take everything you have along with your rotten corpse.
And what can be left in this world and can help you overcome death will always be those things you paid for.
They are separated from you in life and death, and because you have selflessly given them to the world, they are born in you and no longer belong to you. Not even death can take it away.
That is the most powerful thing a tiny human can do.
Xie Qingcheng has always seen this very clearly, so when a person like him finds himself a worthless waste, unable to do anything, and unable to bear anything, he will be extremely painful . That kind of pain is far better than slashing him with a thousand knives. Punish the heart and punish the life.
That's why he spent the rest of the night in the research institute after discovering his only worth, and used his body to light the light in the dark night.
He will use himself to do those experiments.
Qin Ciyan sighed, and through the thick lens, Xie Qingcheng saw the doctor's eyes filled with wet tears.
"...What about your parents?"
Qin Ciyan looked at him tenderly and sadly.
"You said you didn't want to see the parents of that child with brain cancer suffer, and you didn't want to see others suffer as much as you did."
"Then Xie Qingcheng."
"Can't you see those two pairs of eyes in the sky?"
"… "
"You're not an orphan, your parents left, but they loved you that much."
"You treat yourself like this, and I'm not talking about me. How sad do you think they will be?"
The doctor walks up to his students, this relationship nobody knows, this conversation nobody hears.
In the cold laboratory, it melted mercifully.
Qin Ciyan raised his hand and stroked the hair of the young Xie Qingcheng.
"Do you know why I did such a thing, against the rules, against the danger, against all odds to save you?"
"..."
"I never told you."
"In addition to a daughter, I once had a son."
"Died in a car accident."
"The last thing he said to me before he left was Dad, I don't want to die."
"… "
Qin Ciyan closed her eyes: "I will never forget that sentence, those eyes."
"If I can, even if it's a vegetative person, even if his temperament changes drastically, as long as he can come back, I'm willing to do anything. There's nothing more painful than watching my relatives leave. ... Xiao Xie, did your parents do anything? You have to choose, you have left this world, but you have choices, you shouldn’t be so mean to yourself, you live well, feel the spring and autumn in the world, and all things wither and prosper, which is also a meaning of life.”
"Xie Xue is still young. She doesn't understand anything, so she would say such words. Children's words are unadorned and simple, but they may not be able to express themselves perfectly."
"You will always be the most important thing in her heart. If you can't come back to her any more one day, she will really be in pain and be at a loss."
When he saw what Xie Qingcheng wanted to say, he shook his head and seemed to understand what Xie Qingcheng wanted to say.
Qin Ciyan was gentle and sad, but said irrefutably: "I think I am qualified to talk to you like this. I can understand your feelings, in the life we have gone through - you lost your parents, and I lost my child."
Xie Qingcheng stood stiffly, and he saw that the corners of Qin Ciyan's wrinkled eyes flashed with tears.
After a while, the tears that the doctor had been holding back finally slid down the face that was no longer young.
"If your parents were alive, they wouldn't want to see you do this."
"Xiao Xie. The meaning of life is that you have to live well."
Qin Ciyan did not allow Xie Qingcheng to go to He Jiwei's biochemical pharmacy to study again.
He Jiwei was very puzzled by this. He felt that Xie Qingcheng was a very rare genius, and it would be a waste if he didn't cultivate it properly.
However, according to Qin Ciyan's wishes, the young Xie Qingcheng finally thanked He Jiwei for his care and left the laboratory.
Qin Ciyan covered up the experiments done by Xie Qingcheng with the story of "virtual human", misleading others to think that "Chuhuang" was just a computer simulation, and the data of Chuhuang were all calculated data. After that, Qin Ciyan paid more attention to him, and he almost regarded Xie Qing as the guardian of the son who could never come back.
He saw Xie Qingcheng's confusion in his eyes. Once again, he lost his direction and looked very lonely, and his mood was not so stable.
And Qin Ciyan soon had to go back to Yanzhou due to the rescheduling of work.
Before leaving, he took Xie Qing to the aquarium.
That was the decision Qin Ciyan made after thinking about his choice for a long time.
Sea creatures are often the most healing.
"This is the nurse shark, that... yes, the one that has been swimming in the far corner, that is the lemon shark."
Qin Ciyan was like a loving father with his son, and Xie Qingcheng and Xie Qingcheng walked in the blue aquarium with an ice cream cone.
Maybe he was a loving father.
When the sea water was unpredictable and the light and shadow stretched dimly, standing beside him was the child he would never see an adult again.
The two of them ended up in the Jellyfish Palace.
That is an area of the aquarium, with crystal clear glass walls in all directions, and many glazed columns stand in the middle of the hall.
And behind those glass floating and sinking, are thousands of water spirits.
Xie Qingcheng walked in and opened his eyes slightly.
He seems to have entered an ancient world, and the creatures 650 million years ago are swimming around him soothingly, relaxing his crystal body. Like the last pond of flowers in late spring.
The grand scenes of spring, summer, autumn and winter are all brewing in the life made of that water. With the ding-dong sound of the ethereal music box of the Jellyfish Palace, it sank people's hearts into the depths, into the distant Ice Age, and sank 20,000 miles under the sea.
Xie Qingcheng was walking in the long glass corridor with shimmering water, and for the first time after his illness, he felt a long-lost inner peace.
It wasn't the calm he usually forced himself to be.
But really, soothing, relieving, peaceful.
"Good-looking." He looked at a huge jellyfish like blue smoke floating in front of him, and said softly.
Qin Ciyan looked at him with a smile: "Jellyfish are creatures without brains, hearts, spines, eyes... Ninety-five percent of their bodies are water. Their lifespans are not long, only a few months. Long-lived deep jellyfish can live for several years."
"… "
"But you see, they live so freely and elegantly, and they are a very beautiful scenery in themselves. Many people just look at them and feel unprecedented peace."
"you too?"
"When I was young, I was studying in the United States, and I went to the aquarium there every month, just to find some peace in the irritability. As soon as I went there, I sat in the jellyfish area, and I sat for an afternoon. ." Qin Ciyan smiled with some nostalgia, "It's been so many years in a flash... The aquarium conductor also said that if I can't find a wife in the future, I can come to their aquarium to get a jellyfish home for free for marriage, and the aquarium can give it to me. I'm holding a wedding, hahahaha."
Xie Qingcheng turned to look at him.
In the gentleness of the sea moon jellyfish like a bright moon and a sinking ocean, he looked at Qin Ciyan and finally laughed.
It was also the first time he smiled so stretched after his illness.
"Thank you, Lao Qin."
"It's okay, kid."
Qin Ciyan left and returned to Yanzhou.
But Xie Qingcheng slowly found a way to control his emotions well. It was taught to him by his half-father, a gift passed on to him.
So he, like Qin Ciyan more than 20 years ago, often came to the Jellyfish Palace to watch the lives of these 650 million years ago.
The young Qin Ciyan became the young Xie Qingcheng, and the figures of the two doctors blurred and overlapped in the countless misty world of jellyfish.
Whenever Xie Qingcheng felt his symptoms worsened, his senses became numb, and he felt extremely suffocated, he would watch the videos of those jellyfish—
No eyes.
Can't see light.
no heart.
Can't feel the pain.
no brains.
Or there are no joys and sorrows, it is a life that is much more numb than him.
But they are still very comfortable, using 95% water, splashing ink one after another to heal people's hearts.
Qin Ciyan said that living well is the meaning of life.
And these jellyfish are the best interpretation of living well.
Day after day, time flies, Xie Qingcheng finally relies on himself to become extremely calm, calm and peaceful.
He became the first known patient of mental Ebola.
"In a way, you've beaten the disease. As long as you keep going like this and don't relapse, you can live well into your 40s."
Qin Ciyan said.
"Even longer."
He said that the reason for the longer period is because the life laboratory in the United States has developed a special drug.
Their rn-13 research was later stopped by continental legislation, and people marched to protest this inhumane behavior of using homeless people as human subjects. Under pressure, the research institute destroyed all their rn-13 drugs and put them into Go for follow-up treatment for those already tested.
And how to prolong the lifespan of rn-13 subjects has become their main topic.
Fundamentally speaking, rn-13 overdrafts the body's metabolism, allowing patients to shorten their lifespans while healing themselves.
So over the years, they finally developed a sustained-release drug, which is a drug that can greatly reduce the metabolic cycle.
Normal people eat too much of this drug, but rn-13 subjects can bear it, and because this drug can greatly slow down the rate of subsequent cell division, their lives can be extended.
And this time the drug has been repeatedly tested and formally verified.
Qin Ciyan told Xie Qingcheng: "As long as you keep taking it and add your self-control, then you will be no different from a normal person. You may not live to seven or eighty years. Maybe you will live longer than me."
The three words "normal" touched Xie Qingcheng's heart.
It has been a long time since he felt that these three words were so close to him.
To know that in that year he took rn-13, he thought he would never have a normal and complete life again.
"What about the side effects?" He suppressed a slight trembling in his voice.
"You're not stupid." Qin Ciyan sighed, "But the side effects are not unacceptable... Your reflexes, mental clarity, and all of these, which are very dependent on cell activation, will decline."
"But you are very smart. If you don't take this medicine, you will have great achievements. After taking it...that is, your ability will become less and less prominent..." Qin Ciyan said, "but Xiao Xie, even if this treatment Even if your mind is weakened, you can still be a very good psychiatrist. But you can only be a doctor, and it is no longer possible to divert your mental energy to other fields and be a leader in many aspects at the same time as before. already."
"You think about it."
At that time, Xie Qingcheng had been admitted to the University of Medicine and studied psychology for eight consecutive years.
He originally planned to not only complete his studies during the university, but also, with Qin Ciyan's approval, resume his previous biochemical and pharmaceutical research.
His mood is very stable now, and even when he can't control it occasionally, he can rely on jellyfish videos to suppress his condition.
As long as he sees those floating ancient lives, he can quickly calm down and no longer have strong emotions. This is a conditioned reflex he has trained for himself.
He will never again use self-mutilation to advance the experimental process.
Qin Ciyan therefore agreed to his request.
But the emergence of the healing medicine once again pushed Xie Qingcheng to the balance of a choice—
It is to return to the ranks of normal people, give up scientific research, and become a doctor with confidence.
Or go down a dangerous road, complete tasks that ordinary people can't achieve, and then die at the age of forty
He has to make a choice.
And at this moment-
Something happened that had a big impact on Xie Qingcheng.
The author has something to say: Today's thanks also ends at 17:00~
Thanks to the little angel who voted for me or irrigated nutrient solution during 2021-11-09 17:00:00~2021-11-1017:00:00~
Thanks to the little angel who cast the deep-water torpedo: He Yu か わ い 10;
Thanks to the little angel who threw the shallow water bomb: 1 in the world;
Thanks to the little angel who cast the rocket launcher: みけねこ, pau, みかん畑のひと2; かまぼこ, brother Quan Ermei? , しもは, saji, Lei Yuxi lyx, Agui, Xiying is true, ねここ, Wind Dance World, terwoven1;
Thanks to the little angel who threw the grenade: kxxxeo, やまだ, 1987 Daji, Smith Marseille, あっくん, a Xiao, a cat not a dog, aerosol_owl, あみ, もつ, Chu Yunqing, Dianxin, おみつ, big Miss temper, rabbit feather three, アヤ, young meow, 熝熰, にとう, Mo Li under the tree, butter scrambled eggs, 悆 Nian, blue leaf blue night, かまぼこ, 478998371;
Thanks to the little angel who threw mines: Baekhyun’s 7 beans; Chi Xia, Baiti, 288481593; A Piao, 38550933, Wanning baby, aiba Xiangye, Qin Qing 2; Yan Qiaofufu, Tianyuan, Sheep Are Not Hungry, Yun Yechen, ian, Li Li, ud, aries, shell_liang, a small vendor in the ghost market, two pigs of vitality girl, そると, hell, Weitang, Susha, 45822701, nanashiro, senchafloat, りり☆, びゅぇ, Zhifang, kyuu, かな, ほのか, starry, Aqi, Ye Ye Ye Ye, 49027071, short short, do not want to be short, 48307376, friednoodle, soft wild dad, Kelly 666, Wushan Complainant, the top of life and death, Chu nightning, lonely twilight, isopropyl alcohol, Ajing, haiphai, 52750185, moon and tide, yoursever, okie sound, z'an, saku, かげる, limited time joys and sorrows, ののむら, I love Brother Xie and Wanning, -Artificial Moon-, 48071793, りょうこ, 熝熰, 灬 Yichen, Mi Guojing, 19938652, Gu Xuyuan, kikyowith, Lao 3, Huajinghuajiu, ほくと, P sauce loves to read books, Tomatoes from the class next door, すんり(sunri), れんれんねね, You Jiu, Sweet Wine Fruit, The World is Supernatural, Jiang Feng Wan Yin~, Roast Roll, 1 Chi Ye;
Thanks to the little angel who irrigated the nutrient solution: 78 bottles of Mumu milk powder; 69 bottles of meat buns; 40 bottles of aerosol_xiao; 30 bottles of Jin Yan and Ruoguang; 20 bottles of indulging in the world; 19 bottles of Yuebanwener; 13 bottles of national famous CP first-level players; Sweet Fragrant Tea, Yunqi, You Are Right, Zhang Piao Piao, Yan Mu Mu Yan, Feng He, 29874305 , Folding Opera, Cloud Drunk on the Pillow, Yangzhi Ganlu Yogurt, Sing Xingfa, Su Diodiu Diu Diu, It's My Fifteen, Bai Ti, Tian Yuan, One Pillow of Yellow Pills, Late Ning Ning Ning, up to five knives and 10 bottles; Faith_Ru 9 bottles; Oasis 7 bottles; 42533508, a forest bear, Qingqing, Fengyi, Ranhu, Jizai Ningning, zhangjgyuan, Linyuan Kongyou 5 bottles; Chen Yanxier 4 bottles; Xiao Yangbu Grazing 3 bottles; 49912126, Aiwanning, Hanazaki Harino さん, Run May, 2 bottles in one step and two steps; favorite Wanning, Nanpai or Bei, Zhaowu, toilet guard, a cat and bug, Fried buns with fish stuffing, Chi Yi_, aolishx, Su Fangxia, Circle_Huailuwangzai custard buns, chasing after the new little three masters, ciao, seven seven forty-nine, tashi, Shuangjiang, Muran Yery, apple16429, A child packs a sack, all the grass and trees return to the lake, pecking woodpeckers, Moli under the tree, pepper eating peppers, Gu Xi, ud, No. 1127 waste player, big face with eye feces, trity2104, Ye Yuyou, Ju Yajun , 1 bottle of Ji Xingling;
Thank you Baobei, I will continue to do things~