"able… "
When he said this word, his shoulders trembled noticeably.
Yang Wan looked at Deng Ying's back, standing quietly between the quaint boxes and cabinets.
In the closet were his underwear, several thin, starched undershirts neatly stacked together. They were almost all made of silk, like his skin, which had a cold glow that was not too dry.
Deng Ying had said before that he wanted to buy an outer house, and Yang Wan thought it was a good idea.
Compared to the outer house, this room by the moat is the place that makes Yang Wan feel most at ease.
It is like the figure of Deng Ying, stained by dust, facing away from the skylight. When no one is around, the ground is full of shadows of objects, but it always makes people feel gloomy.
As long as he lives here, Yang Wan's soul can rest in this world six hundred years ago.
Even if the people and things in this area are contrary to her values of the first thirty years, as long as Deng Ying can still take out a piece of bloodstained clothing from the closet, light a lamp in the autumn night, and sit with her to eat a bowl of plain noodles, she is just a speck of accidental dust in existentialism.
"Then... can I wear your underwear?"
She suddenly asked this question.
Deng Ying was stunned.
"Can I wear it?"
She asked again.
"able… "
After he said this, he hurriedly squatted down, took out another set of silk undergarments from the drawer, and placed them next to Yang Wan.
Li Yu outside the door urged again. Deng Ying didn't dare to look at Yang Wan anymore. She picked up her clothes, pushed the door and walked out.
Yang Wan lowered her head and shook out the underwear that Deng Ying had left for her. The top and pants had ties on the sides, and were wide and roomy.
She bent down to take off her shoes, then hugged her knees and huddled in the corner of the bed.
The room was very deserted, and a faint chill seeped through the cracks in the walls.
Yang Wan could almost feel the chill from the moat seeping in from all directions.
Yang Wan couldn't help coughing twice, reached behind her back and gently untied the laces of her blouse.
This was her first time removing her clothes in Deng Ying's place. When her arms were completely out of her sleeves, the chilly autumn wind blew through the window and lifted the cold fluff on her skin. She continued to take off her undergarment, bent her legs, untied her skirt, and took her legs out of her embroidered pants.
His buttocks were pressed against Deng Ying's mattress, which was covered with cotton. It even felt a little cold when it touched his skin.
Yang Wan felt very comfortable, just like the moment when she had just taken a shower on the weekend and curled up in her bedding to sleep naked.
The wind blew the curtains, and the sound of rain could be heard against the window.
Yang Wan sat with her arms folded, bracing herself against the wind.
She did not put on Deng Ying's underwear immediately, nor did she immediately cover herself with Deng Ying's quilt.
She sat down quietly, and looked at her body quietly in the candlelight.
This is the body of the original person who died in the twelfth winter of Zhenning.
She used to be young, fair, and smooth like jade, but now, there were several light brown injuries on her waist, abdomen, and thighs. These injuries were the only things on this body that belonged to Yang Wan.
Yang Wan reached out and touched the scar on her leg.
Even though a long time has passed, the pain is still there when I touch it.
Death is a waste of time, and living is full of scars and humiliation.
How did women in the Ming Dynasty understand their own bodies
In an era when women’s body consciousness had not yet awakened, would feudal aesthetics accept these “scars of sin” left in the imperial prison
Is this the same as the injury on Deng Ying's body
She suddenly remembered what Foucault wrote in Discipline and Punish: "In people's eyes, cruel forms of punishment are less brutal than or even more brutal than the crime itself. They accustom the audience to the atrocities that they originally wanted to disgust them. They often show them crimes, so that the executioners become like criminals, the judges become like murderers, and then at the last moment, the roles are reversed, and the punished criminals become objects of pity or praise."
This kind of human nature also existed in the Ming Dynasty.
At the execution ground where teachers and students of Tongjia Academy died tragically, countless people sympathized with and praised these scholars.
However, this kind of mercy can be shown to eunuchs as well as women.
That's why Yang Wan wanted to fight back against this era.
In fact, this so-called counterattack was just a humble desire of a modern person to open a small gap around herself, so that the tragic personal life could be concluded in her notes in a gentle way. The ending needed to be perfect, as long as Deng Ying could still take out the clothes to change in the shabby room, bathe and change clothes according to the day and hour, and then come back, drink a cup of hot water, cover her ankles, and go to bed worrying about tomorrow.
That's enough.
However, Yang Wan knew what she had to pay for this ending.
If she is the prophet of this dynasty, then before changing the ending, the first thing she has to do is to kill herself, the prophet.
She is scared.
So she also wanted to protect the room and give her a soft shielding feeling like silk wrapping her body.
The daylight was about to end, leaving her shadow faintly painted on the ground.
Yang Wan reached out and fumbled for Deng Ying's clothes, put on her top, and then pulled her panties up between her legs.
The smooth silk caressed her hexie and finally covered the scars on her waist and abdomen.
Yang Wan fastened all the straps, hugged her shoulders and slowly shrank into the quilt.
Deng Ying's clothes stuck to her skin, and she felt hot after wearing them for a long time.
Outside the window, there is a sound of raindrops, as dusk falls, and countless shadows of leaves sway on the window.
The autumn sounds invade my short dreams.
Yang Wan closed her eyes, and for some reason, she suddenly remembered the following line: "Rain on banana trees under the eaves."
**
When Deng Ying came back from the duty room, the light in the duty room was still on.
Li Yu opened his door and saw Deng Ying standing in front of the door with an umbrella for a long time without going in, so he came over and asked, "She hasn't left yet?"
Deng Ying nodded.
Li Yu sniffed and said, "She and my sister are really alike."
Deng Ying wanted to reply, but when her hand touched the bolt, she suddenly asked, "What's the matter?"
Li Yu said: "Although my sister and Chen Zhangyin are having an affair, she always goes in and out of Zhangyin's room, and also lets Zhangyin into her and Yang Wan's room. My sister told me that I must think about how to live my life, and I can cross the place where I live with my eyes closed."
Being able to say these words to his own brother who was also a eunuch, Song Yunqing's fierceness also showed a hint of ruthlessness.
"She's so nice."
Li Yu pouted and raised her chin towards the light on the window, saying sincerely: "Sometimes, she seems to be better than my sister. She seems... not to treat us as slaves at all. Yes, just like my sister said, she should be like this. Who are we, right?"
After saying that, he opened the door and walked in.
The sound of the bolt falling almost hit Deng Ying directly on the back.
Who are we, right
This sentence, at this moment, is an insult and also a mockery, but it is also a kind of redemption.
Who is he and what can he do to Yang Wan
Yang Wan once asked him whether he would feel better if he admitted his guilt in front of her.
He answered, “Yes.”
This is indeed the case.
Loving someone is like being imprisoned in a prison, where both your body and mind have someone to rely on. After all... she is so good now.
Deng Ying thought about it and gently pushed open the door.
Yang Wan lay quietly on his bed, her hair bun loosened, her long black satin hair scattered on her shoulders.
She was lying face outwards, with one hand pressing down the quilt and sticking out, and it could be seen that she had changed into his underpants.
Deng Ying walked over gently, lifted his robe and sat down beside the couch, took off his shoes, and then bent down to pick up Yang Wan's embroidered shoes and put them beside the bed. Then, he kept hesitating.
Just lying next to her and touching her should be considered an offense, he thought, and finally lay down on the edge of the bed with his back facing Yang Wan. However, people just can't be too close, even if they lie across the quilt, her body temperature still warms Deng Ying's back like a piece of warm charcoal.
"Deng Ying."
The person behind him called him softly.
"I am here."
"Come in."
Deng Ying trembled all over when she heard these three words.
"Wanwan, just let me lie like this."
Yang Wan exhaled, and the faint breath blew towards Deng Ying's face.
"Are you saying that you are a guilty person in front of me?"
The temperature of these words was the same as her breath.
No one else in this world has the talent to accurately find the source of a specific person's "sadness".
Yang Wan could find Deng Ying's. Moreover, she did not hurt Deng Ying's "sorrow" in a righteous way. She just gently brought it out in front of him and Deng Ying. He asked Deng Ying to try to express it, and then, she took on all the emotional hurt, she resolved it, and she comforted it.
"I always have."
"yes."
Yang Wan took over his words and reached out to lift the quilt, "So Deng Ying, come in. You should be afraid, because the person above is someone else, not me."
A burst of sour, hot and foul air rushed into Deng Ying's nostrils.
"How do you know I'm scared?"
"Your hands... are about to break my hair."
Deng Ying then realized that she had grabbed Yang Wan's hair without knowing when, and hurriedly let go.
Yang Wan propped up her upper body and threw her long hair behind her. Her faint shadow was cast on the wall, and a blurry yet sad and beautiful picture unfolded before Deng Ying's eyes.
"Deng Ying, be obedient."
There seemed to be a smile on her face when she said this.
"You always listen to me. You feel so sad in front of me."
Guilty people should indeed be obedient.
She always knew how to persuade him.
Deng Ying pursed her lips and pinched the corner of the quilt to cover her shoulders.
However, Yang Wan supported herself on the couch with her elbows, stood up sideways, and pushed the quilt behind her towards Deng Ying. Then she grabbed the corner of the quilt and gently tucked it in for him.
In this way, her arm has passed Deng Ying's shoulder, and the two are close, with her armpit in front of Deng Ying's forehead. Although Deng Ying is invisible, he can feel the temperature of another body, warmer and more sincere than his.
"It's cold like this."
"I feel cold..."
"It's good to be cold."
Yang Wan loosened her elbow, lay down facing Deng Ying again, and said softly, "We are pretending to be a married couple these days."
She spoke out Deng Ying's delusions, but he dared to deny them in front of her.
"Wanwan, please say this. We are husband and wife."
"obedient."
As she spoke, she reached out and touched Deng Ying's forehead, rubbing it up and down, from the top of her forehead to her brow bone.
Deng Ying's whole body was trembling uncontrollably, but Yang Wan's hands did not stop. She lowered her voice and whispered in his ear: "Don't be afraid. Just think about it, as long as it's me who's touching you."
She said, smiling softly, "Actually I'm scared too."
Deng Ying choked up and said, "What would Wanwan be afraid of?"
“Fear of losing.”
She added, "I'm afraid I'll never be able to touch you again if I lose."
Her words sounded to Deng Ying like a jade or pearl that was about to shatter. If he had the strength to keep it, he would have bought a box and kept it, but now he couldn't keep it, so he could only open his heart and try to comfort Yang Wan like she comforted herself.
"Wan Wan."
"Yes."
"I plead guilty to you, but you have never punished me before. So Wanwan, as long as I am alive, you can do anything to me. Please be fair to me and think about me."
As he spoke, he lay down a little and put his head under Yang Wan's chin.
"I don't have a home, and I don't dare to have one. Wanwan, you can take me away at any time, and you can also let me go back at any time."