"..." Shu Nian stared at him blankly, breathing heavily, white mist dispersed in the air. His field of vision seemed to be blurred, the background turned into color blocks, and he couldn't see anything clearly, only his appearance was clear as usual.
The majestic sound of the rain seemed to be disconnected, and the world became quiet.
Shu Nian could only hear the sound of her beating heart, which was amplified in her mind and overwhelmed all her rationality. At this moment, she didn't want to think about anything, and she didn't want to become trembling in front of important people.
I don't want to let myself like a person's right, with so many conditions attached.
She just wanted to follow her own heart, to grab his hand, smile at him, and tell him honestly—
Don't chase, I like you too.
I have secretly liked you for a while, but I am worried that you like other people and that you don't like me, so I dare not tell you, for fear that you will stay away from me after you know.
Fortunately, you like me too.
I am very happy.
Shu Nian wanted to tell him this.
She wanted to tell him so.
But when a person has been cowardly for a long time, it is extremely difficult to summon courage again. She thinks a lot, imagines hundreds of possibilities for the future, and dreads that future.
Because of the impulse that comes from longing, it may not be a new way out in exchange.
It is a dark and endless tunnel.
It's the darkness that belongs to her alone, and Xie Ruhe shouldn't be pulled in.
He just likes her and has no obligation to be her savior.
Shu Nian gave up that answer, looked at him, his eyelashes trembled slightly, and his round eyes were covered with mist from the rainy day. She clenched her sleeves tightly, her chest was congested, and her throat was inexplicably choked.
He should have been rejected.
The most sensible move is to reject him.
As long as this relationship is interrupted in time, as long as this symptom is cut off, the unhappiness that may occur in the future will never happen again.
Xie Ruhe seemed unaware of what she was going to say next, and still looked at her with a patient and gentle expression, but also a little nervous and unnatural, jerky like a big boy.
Shu Nian was suddenly speechless.
If she rejected him and told him not to do this kind of thing again, he would probably be unhappy. His emotions have always been reserved, and she must have shown signs of liking before he would say such things.
Shu Nian didn't want Xie Ruhe's courage to be worthless because of her timidity.
She doesn't want this.
Probably because she didn't respond for a long time, Xie Ruhe gradually understood what she meant. He touched his neck, looked at the rain outside, and changed the topic with difficulty: "The rain is light, I will take you back first."
"..." The awkward atmosphere dissipated in an instant.
Xie Ruhe lowered his eyes and wanted to open the umbrella.
The next moment, Shu Nian suddenly grabbed his wrist.
Xie Ruhe paused and looked sideways at her.
"It's just..." Shu Nian didn't know what to say, he just felt that this matter couldn't be turned around like this, and wanted to work as hard as possible. She wanted to tell him everything she wanted to say, everything she wanted to say.
Xie Ruhe is still waiting.
Shu Nian sniffed, and let go of her hand gently. She didn't dare to tell or confess those feelings, and in the end she just said extremely humblely: "It's just... I have a mental illness."
"..."
She also wants to get one for herself.
Anyway, it doesn't work.
If not, there seems to be no loss.
Shu Nian lowered his head, his voice was extremely low, like a timid kitten: "I think you can reconsider... Do you like me..."
Hearing this, Xie Ruhe was stunned.
"I think I didn't get it wrong." Shu Nian was so nervous that his palms were sweating, and his words didn't make sense, "That's right, what you said about chasing me probably means that you like me..."
Xie Ruhe's Adam's apple slipped down, and he suddenly called her, "Shu Nian."
"Huh, huh?" Shu Nian didn't dare to look at him, and added in a low voice, "It doesn't matter if you mind..."
Xie Ruhe asked hoarsely, "Can you tell me what disease you have?"
"PTSD." Shu Nian explained honestly, "It's post-traumatic stress disorder."
PTSD.
trauma.
Xie Ruhe didn't know about this disease, and didn't know its seriousness. But looking at the way he looked before studying, he always felt that something very bad had happened, so bad that he didn't dare to think about it.
Thinking of the desperate situation she had experienced, Xie Ruhe could hardly breathe.
"Shu Nian, what happened to you." Xie Ruhe tried to make his voice as gentle as possible, trying not to scare her, "Can you tell me?"
Shu Nian was silent for a few seconds, then shook his head.
Xie Ruhe understood all her concerns, and did not continue to ask: "Okay. It's too cold outside, let's go back first."
"You will be unhappy." Shunian said suddenly, "I don't want you to be unhappy."
Xie Ruhe stretched out his hand to open the umbrella, thinking he heard it wrong, he repeated it as if asking: "Will I be unhappy?"
That scar wasn't just hers.
After speaking out, maybe Xie Ruhe's scars will also be uncovered.
That's not what she wanted to see.
Shu Nian suddenly thought of the first and only time when he saw Xie Ruhe cry. She was a little absent-minded, nodded subconsciously, and murmured: "It's good that you stay like this."
Hope that any suffering will no longer haunt you.
You can laugh wantonly, you can meet the people you want to see, you can do what you want to do; you will no longer be tortured by nightmares, there will be no more moments when you fall into the abyss, and you will never recall that scene again.
May you have escaped from hell and found a new life.
You won't regain the memories of the past, and you won't see people who make you feel painful.
And never again, listening to others bring up your painful memories.
…
On New Year's Eve, Ji Xiangning took Xie Ruhe away from Xie's house and moved to the apartment at Jiekou. While thinking about going back to Ruchuan to find Ji Xinghuai, she also mentioned divorce with Xie Ji.
For an unworthy man, Ji Xiangning cut off contact with his family, and never had any contact with his father who regarded him as the apple of his eye. She hesitated for a long time, but still didn't make up her mind to call Ji Xinghuai.
Ji Xiangning respected Xie Ruhe's opinion and discussed with him. In the end, he decided to take him to Ruchuan City after his freshman year of high school was over.
Xie Ruhe told Shu Nian about this.
During that time, Shunian was always in a depressed mood.
On the one hand, she is happy for Xie Ruhe, that she can leave this place, go to a better environment, and learn the music she likes; on the other hand, she feels reluctant and sad because he is about to leave.
Sensing her emotions, Xie Ruhe didn't say much, just told her: "Don't be unhappy, I will come to you."
the other side.
From Ji Xiangning's attitude, Xie Ji realized the seriousness of the matter and became panicked and anxious.
He was extremely afraid that Ji Xiangning would leave him.
In the past, no matter how serious things happened, no matter how much Xie Ji hurt her, no matter how harsh words he said, Ji Xiangning never mentioned the word "divorce".
After a long time, Xie Ji thought that Ji Xiangning had no bottom line for her.
Only she can bear everything about herself.
Xie Ji begged her many times, but he almost knelt down. But Ji Xiangning's attitude is determined, looking at him, there is no obsession and love in the past, only a pool of stagnant water.
This tug-of-war lasted for nearly two months, and Xie Ji even tried to force him to death, but it was still useless.
Finally Xie Ji compromised.
The two made an appointment to go to the Civil Affairs Bureau to handle the divorce.
But that day, when Xie Ruhe returned to the apartment after school, he didn't see Ji Xiangning. He waited at home until dark, felt that something was wrong, and called her.
But got the message that the other party's mobile phone was turned off.
Xie Ruhe called Xie Ji, and learned that he drank all night yesterday and was still drunk up to this moment, so he didn't go to the Civil Affairs Bureau at all.
His eyelids twitched, he had an inexplicable bad feeling, and he searched around where Ji Xiangning might go.
Still not found.
At that time, Xie Ruhe was just a child.
When encountering such a situation, he didn't know what to do, he only knew that he needed help from an adult. But his father was drunk, so he could only go to his grandparents for help.
Grandpa and grandma were still dissatisfied with Ji Xiangning's proposed divorce, and only said that he made a fuss out of a molehill.
Tell him, don't worry, Ji Xiangning will go back later.
Xie Ruhe felt uneasy, so he went to find Shunian.
The town is so big, how could there be no one there. Besides, Ji Xiangning has always been a very organized person, she will consider many things and will not worry others.
After hearing what he said, Shu Nian was also very worried, and immediately ran home to tell Deng Qingyu.
Although Deng Qingyu didn't like Shunian playing with Xie Ruhe, she was also worried that something had happened, so she hurriedly took the two children to the police station and explained the general situation.
Although Xie Ruhe hoped that it was just that he was thinking too much.
Maybe Ji Xiangning just ran out of battery, stayed in the supermarket for too long, or couldn't wait for the small bus in the town, or met someone he knew and chatted a little more.
But not like this.
Things seem to be heading for the worst.
That night, Ji Xiangning did not go home, and there was no news at all.
When he was still in school, Xie Ruhe didn't go to school directly, looking for Ji Xiangning everywhere. Shu Nian understood his feelings, and resolutely skipped class, and followed him to look for it.
Although the two stayed together, there was basically no conversation.
Shu Nian didn't know how to comfort him, and didn't dare to tell him that others were discussing his mother's disappearance. They said that the murderer who killed Chen Xiang might have captured Ji Xiangning.
I will be inexplicably thinking of the big event back then.
After all, so far, the murderer has not been caught.
A week later, the rumors were confirmed.
The police finally got news that Ji Xiangning's body was found next to the trash can on Wenhua Street.
Shu Nian followed Xie Ruhe to the scene and stayed by his side. She spent that difficult time with him, and she will never forget the way he saw Ji Xiangning lying on the ground coldly.
At that moment, Xie Ruhe completely collapsed, a cry of extreme despair came from his throat, hysterical, tears fell down, as if stained with blood. He seemed to have lost all thought of living, and the look in his eyes disappeared in an instant.
It was the first time Shu Nian saw him cry.
A sixteen-year-old boy is about to get rid of his devil-like father and family, and live a good life with his mother who has also suffered so much.
Obviously, a new life is about to begin.
But Ji Xiangning left the world in such a way before his eyes.
At that time, Xie Ji was also beside him. Seeing Ji Xiangning's body, he froze in disbelief, then knelt down on the ground in a daze, and burst into tears.
Noticing his existence, Xie Ruhe's gaze paused, and he rushed over and grabbed his neck, full of hostility.
My mind is full of what Xie Ji said to Ji Xiangning on New Year's Eve.
—"You are fucking crazy, get out! I tell you! Don't fuck me with that dog man next door, if you dare to betray me! I will kill you directly! I will kill you directly!!! "
Xie Ruhe's eyes were bloodshot, and the hatred in his eyes seemed to die with Xie Ji. He gritted his teeth and said word by word: "Did you kill her?"
…
…
Xie Ruhe sent Shu Nian downstairs.
Along the way, the two had no other conversation. Xie Ruhe didn't follow Shu Nian upstairs, but stood outside the gate and looked at her, as if he wanted to watch her enter the gate before leaving.
Shu Nian pursed her lips and fumbled for the keys in her bag.
She stood still, her thoughts kept on asking Xie Ruhe if she minded her being mentally ill, but he didn't answer. Shu Nian felt that once today was over, she would not have the courage to mention it again.
Shu Nian couldn't help but look back.
Xie Ruhe was still standing at the gate downstairs, wearing a slim coat, looking at her quietly.
The two are opposite, one tall and one short.
Seeing her looking over, Xie Ruhe asked, "What's wrong?"
Shu Nian quickly shook his head: "It's fine."
Maybe it's because of the bewilderment of the night, Shu Nian always feels a little unwilling, even though she thinks the distance is the most suitable for the two of them now.
After a pause, she took a deep breath and repeated as if she was going all out: "You can go back and think about what I just said... That is, I don't think it matters what your choice is..."
I just think, now fight for yourself again.
When I think about it in the future, I may not regret it so much.
Xie Ruhe's expression paused, and he suddenly remembered this matter. He put aside what was in his mind, walked over and stood one flight of stairs away from Shunem.
Frightened by his sudden approach, Shu Nian hurriedly said, "You don't have to rush to answer me..."
Xie Ruhe lowered his eyes, his eyes were deep and bright: "Can I just go back and think about it?"
Shu Nian said cautiously: "No, it's okay if you don't want to..."
Xie Ruhe raised his hand, hooking the key in her hand with his slender fingertips. He paused, as if he felt a little speechless, but soon regained his expression, his voice lowered, inexplicably ambiguous.
"Can't I go to your house and think about it?"