The afternoon sun was just right, Shen Qingxuan was sitting in front of the table, twisting a thin piece of letter paper in his hand, resting his chin in one hand, while reading and thinking about replying the letter, he even yawned sleepily, looking completely lazy. After yawning, tears came out, he put down the letter again and rubbed his eyes for a while, then simply lay down on the table and buried his face in his elbows, looking like he was about to take a nap.
Yi Mo was reclining on the imperial concubine's couch behind him, holding a book in his hand, reading it casually, but he was still serious, but this earnestness caused the people in front to yawn, and there was nothing he could do. Concentrate. Putting down the book in his hand, Yi Mo said: "Who's letter made you look like this?"
Shen Qingxuan didn't lift his head when he heard the sound, and replied in a vague voice: "My brother's family letter." After a short pause, he grumbled and muttered: "This kid is proficient in pen and ink, how come he has regressed to three years old when he started writing family letters?" Baby, nagging and sticky, you can repeat a sentence eighty or ninety times, and it's not too tedious. I can even smell his saliva dripping down on this paper."
Yi Mo said, "Let me take a look." Stretching out his hand, the papers covered with small characters on the table flew up one by one, and floated into his hands.
Sure enough, on those five or six sheets of paper, those words were repeated over and over again, nothing more than homesickness, even more homesickness after the Chinese New Year, missing father, mother, brother, etc. What's more, the food here is very unpalatable, not as good as the one at home, and the water is also unpalatable, and the tea made is salty and bitter. The words are full of coquettish taste, almost overflowing between the lines, wrapping people up. Yi Mo couldn't help frowning and said, "What are these?"
Shen Qingxuan snorted and laughed, and finally raised his face, his eyes were still full of sleepiness, and he said: "I have received several letters from home like this every month, so it can be seen that he sat under the lamp at night and asked someone to deliver one. Write another letter every two days, and ask someone to deliver it. Otherwise, the journey will be far away, and it will be considered good if we can communicate once a month."
Yi Mo asked: "Have you returned?"
Shen Qingxuan shook his head: "In the past few times he was diligent, but recently he's been lazy. I thought he was spoiled, and it wasn't a big problem, but now it doesn't look like a minor problem. Just let him stand alone there in the cold Let’s go, I’ll be back next month.”
While the two were talking, the servant girl announced from outside that the old lady had come. Shen Qingxuan immediately shut his mouth, with a displeased expression on his face, he said please hurry up, Shen Qingxuan turned his face and said to Yi Mo: "But here it is, I think that no matter how slow I think, I won't be like her temper."
Yi Mo didn't speak, and watched Shen Qingxuan push the chair to open the door, and spontaneously concealed himself, saving himself from being verbose.
Not long after Shen Qingxuan opened the door, Mother Shen walked in with her maid. Holding a book in his hand, he looked dignified.
Seeing the kind and familiar face of his own mother, Shen Qingxuan didn't know what it was like, thinking that maybe all the ladies in the official family are like this, dignified and kind, and they are generous in dealing with others, but they lack some small families. Their intimacy, their mother and son, although they are connected by flesh and blood, are always courteous. Shen Qingxuan didn't even remember whether his mother had ever hugged him, but the nanny and second mother often hugged him and spoiled him when he was young. In the end, the one who put him to death first was the one who treated him the most affectionately. Things are unexpected, that's all.
Shen Qingxuan called mother, mother and son sat at the table, Shen mother looked around and said, "Why didn't you see your guest?"
Shen Qingxuan thought that it was strange to see him, and said, "Going out."
Shen's mother nodded, Shen Qingxuan changed the subject, and asked: "What do you want my mother to tell you?"
After he reminded her, Mother Shen put the book in her hand on the table as if she remembered it, and said: "I made a wish to the Buddha, and now it has come true. You and I, mother and son, should copy the Buddhist scriptures together to thank the Bodhisattva for showing his spirit. Mother I brought the Buddhist scriptures, if you are free, copy a few more copies for your mother."
Shen Qingxuan immediately understood what her wish was. Although he knew that the recovery of his voice had nothing to do with the Buddha, it was hard to refuse, so he complied, took the Buddhist scriptures and put them aside, and said: "My child will just copy, but things will be complicated in the next year. It’s impossible to copy that many.”
Shen's mother said: "It's nothing, just do your best."
Shen Qingxuan said yes, poured the tea and handed it over, then asked: "What else is there for you, mother?"
Shen's mother hesitated for a while, and then explained her real intention of coming, which was not as Shen Qingxuan expected, and it was a matter of marriage. She is the mistress of the Shen family, and she gave birth to a son, which is considered to have fulfilled the responsibility of inheriting incense for the Shen family. Now that her son has grown up, he has never married a wife because of his health. At the age of twenty-eight, he finally agreed to marry a wife Take a concubine, but the concubine's room is not up to date, and she conceived a boy but lost it again. The arranged marriage was also pushed cleanly, but seeing that she was going to be alone again, and the Shen family's family life was exhausted, how could she not be impatient as the hostess of the Shen family
Shen Qingxuan knew that this would happen, and seeing his mother's gloomy expression, he felt somewhat remorseful in his heart, regretting that he should have divorced early, and if he dragged on for a few more months, he would feel more at ease. It's good now, just a few days after the marriage was retired, the marriage issue has come up on the threshold again.
Shen Qingxuan sighed secretly, glanced at the seemingly empty imperial concubine's couch, feeling a little annoyed in his heart. It was all this snake that turned his whole heart into a promise with his body, and made him a gesture of charity when he was happy, which made him discouraged, and he had the idea of severing the relationship, and ran down the mountain to make plans to marry a wife and have children. Thinking of this, Shen Qingxuan slapped himself a few times in his heart, knowing that he was still young and energetic, could not stand up to things, could not hold back his anger, his blood became muddy when his blood was aroused, and he caused trouble for himself.
But the matter has come to this point, and it is useless to be upset, so I have to think of a way out for myself.
Shen Qingxuan was silent for a long time before saying: "Mother, although I can speak out, my health hasn't improved. I still have energy by taking Butang Shenwan every day. Although Brother Yi promised to heal my legs and feet, I still can't get better. I have been sick for many years, and the veins have been blocked for many years. The disease in my bones has been caused, and I can’t take care of it. Even if there is a good girl who is willing to marry me, I can’t afford it. But the whole life of a family is not a crime. Mother is a merciful person, loving her son is kind, and pity other girls is also kind. Being kind to oneself, no matter how big it is, is a small kindness, and being kind to others, no matter how small, is a great kindness. Mother is merciful all her life, but Don't ruin your Buddha nature just because of your son."
Shen Qingxuan knew that this was a bit harsh, but he didn't feel guilty. People say mother and child are connected, he knows his mother too well, he has been kind all his life, and never suspects other people's intentions. So when he fell into the ice cave back then, he obviously showed his unconcealable disgust to Erniang in front of her several times. This mother didn't have any suspicions, and after crying for a few nights, he treated her as usual. A son's woman is like a sister. Even she seldom dotes on her child, but holds Shen Zhen in her arms several times. He even regarded his dislike of his younger brother and Erniang as his psychological isolation after bad luck. Never ask, why do you hate this mother and son so much, when you were so close to them before
She never asked her a word. Not a word. Instead, he blamed him for blaming others for his own bad luck and losing his demeanor.
This is the demeanor of the official lady. Be magnanimous to others, be kind to others, be considerate in doing things, and refuse to let himself be talked about, not even his own son.
Shen Qingxuan actually had resentment.
Why not? I was still a child, but when something happened, even my mother didn't have any sense of crisis. Instead, I trusted the person who harmed him. The child in her arms, if it wasn't for the existence of the child he called his brother, How could it happen that he was thrown into the ice cave. Life is useless!
Not to mention hatred, but full of resentment and nowhere to resolve it. At the age when he still needs protection, none of his closest relatives can reach out to him to give him a hand. Even his own mother didn't tell him don't be afraid, mother is here.
He was left alone, curled up on the bed to experience the feeling of being disabled silently, and he couldn't even complain. I watched my mother and my enemy chatting and laughing, making room for each other, and sitting opposite each other to embroider. He couldn't say anything, he couldn't do anything, he couldn't even go down and pull his mother away. In the end, I had to accept my fate.
Yes, this is his mother. A well-educated and well-educated lady of the courtiers, she was so proud that she would not allow anyone to say a bad word about her all her life, so that people would bow down at her feet in a convincing manner, and call out ma'am with incomparable respect.
She doesn't even bother to do the most basic jealousy among women. Her husband respected her all his life.
Her son can only respect her.
Watching his mother go away, Shen Qingxuan looked at her back until the upright and dignified back disappeared from sight, then slowly turned his head, faced the corner of the couch, and said with a smile: "Brother Yi, let's talk Chat. We have known each other for almost a year, and I haven't had a good talk with you yet."
Yi Mo showed his figure, looked at his expression, waved his hand, "Say."
Shen Qingxuan sat up straight, picked up Shen Zhen's family letter again, read it for a while, put it down, still smiling: "Why don't we start talking about my brother."
Shen Zhen.
Shen Qingxuan chanted this name, and his thoughts went back. At that time, Shen Zhen had just learned to walk, had a few baby teeth, was drooling every day, like a chubby duckling, and always ran towards him regardless of his mother's stop. Erniang didn't allow him to come, so he cried, his voice was so loud that even the birds and insects in the courtyard were silent when he howled. That's called crying. It's all right to cry, the bare buttocks sit in the dirt, kicking their legs and rolling. His body was covered in dirt, his face was covered in ashes, and tears made two small grooves on his face, and he couldn't even breathe.
Every time Erniang hugged him helplessly, Shen Zhen was a little bastard.
Everyone knows that Shen Qingxuan's temperament changed drastically after his bad luck. No one cares. At first he ignored Shen Zhen, but later he couldn't stand the soft and hard foam of this dirty ball, and finally he ignored it. The two are often stuck together, inseparable, even sleeping, hugging each other.
A half-sized child, hugging a soft toddler, covered with a quilt, sleeping soundly. It's really brothers and sisters.
But no one knew that Shen Zhen ate the "sugar pills" given to him by his brother every day. Those "sugar pills" were mud balls that Shen Qingxuan grabbed the earthworm loosened in the yard, rubbed them into mud balls, soaked them in sugar water and wrapped them , threatening him to eat. Shen Zhen ate it with a bitter face, afraid that his brother would ignore him, so he ate it every day. After eating, my stomach hurts, and I saw the doctor every now and then, and then the doctor prescribed strong medicine, and several worms fell out of the child's stomach. Just such a small toss, the round cheeks that were originally round disappeared immediately. But he never dared to tell others, because if he did, his brother would ignore him and beat him.
Later, when he got older, Shen Qingxuan knew that he could remember things, so he stopped doing such things. With winks, he encouraged him to go up the tree to pick out birds, and only selected those trees with small branches for him to go. Shen Zhen went up, but fell down every time, and fell several times. He was also smart, and he didn't climb high every time. I just fell down on purpose, and the fall didn't hurt too much. How could his elder brother allow him to play tricks in front of him, so one day, he picked a big tree growing out of the courtyard wall and asked him to dig out the bird's nest on it.
Shen Zhen went up to the top. dare not come down.
Shen Qingxuan opened his hands, and mouthed to say you dance, and I followed. Although it was far away, Shen Zhen couldn't see his mouth shape, but he understood what he meant.
Shen Zhen was six years old at the time, looked at him fiercely for a while, and then he really jumped.
How could Shen Qingxuan pick him up. He just didn't move, and watched him jump down coldly.
Shen Zhen was caught halfway by a tree branch. He didn't break his arms and legs, but he also dislocated his shoulder. He didn't know how long he cried while hanging on the tree before someone came to rescue him. He was carried by the servant to find the doctor. In the servant's arms, he found that his elder brother who was sitting under the tree had disappeared.
At that time, Shen Zhen was still ignorant, but he also vaguely understood that his brother didn't like him, hated him, and wanted to harm him.
It's just that he still likes his elder brother, and he still wants to follow him, support him on his lap, and look at his elder brother who has never stood up and smile at him pleasantly.
Every time he was hurt more seriously, my brother smiled brighter. His eyes also brightened up, no longer so gloomy.
So Shen Zhen continued to bear the name of being mischievous and mischievous, and got himself hurt time and time again.
Until one time, Shen Qingxuan gave him Huo Nianzi and asked him to light a fire in the woodshed, saying that he would make a fire and roast sweet potatoes for himself. When he lit the fire and was about to go out, he found that the door of the firewood room was locked. He couldn't pull it away, he couldn't get out anymore, the fire was getting bigger and bigger, when the tongue of fire licked his face, the eight-year-old Shen Zhen saw his brother's face through the burning window. Still smiling, looking at him with a smile on his face.
Shen Zhen said: "Brother!"
"elder brother!"
"Brother brother brother brother brother!!"
He didn't say anything, he just called brother.
Just like Shen Qingxuan who fell into the ice cave back then, he called out to the nanny at the back who pushed him down.
It's just that his elder brother broke his throat when he shouted back then, but no one came to save him. And he has.
His elder brother finally opened the door of the firewood room, dragged the frightened boy out, extinguished the fire on him, and crawled aside with one arm around him. The two brothers hugged each other and looked at the firewood. The house was reduced to ashes.
Afterwards, no one knew why the fire started, and no one knew how the fifteen-year-old Shen Qingxuan dragged Shen Zhen out of the fire scene. Shen Qingxuan couldn't speak, and Shen Zhen trembled whenever the fire was mentioned. , life or death do not say.
Until one night, when Shen Qingxuan woke up in a daze, a small figure stood beside the bed in the darkness. The figure shivered in the cold, stepped on the ground with bare feet, and looked timidly at his elder brother on the bed.
Shen Zhen said: "Brother, don't you hate me?"
Shen Qingxuan lit a candle, looked at him for an unknown amount of time, and then nodded.
The past is gone now.
Shen Qingxuan drank a cup of tea, poured another cup, kept silent, raised his head and drank it, then looked at Yi Mo and smiled: "It's very strange. I did so many bad things to him, and then I treated him well again. But I don't feel guilty at all. I just think that I should kill him at the beginning, and I should treat him well if I don't kill him later. I never feel guilty at all. Do you think it's strange?"
Yi Mo shook his head: "It's not surprising."
Shen Qingxuan looked at him. Yi Mo was silent for a while, then said: "He sympathizes with you."
Shen Qingxuan thought for a while after hearing the words, "Yes", he agreed, and said: "If I am physically healthy, he is not as good as me, and whether it is academic or future, I must be much better than him. Maybe today, he hates him." mine."
Yi Mo said: "You think it through." Then he said: "But what you said is true." Then Yi Mo told a little story about a pair of brothers. The younger brother, the younger brother, is two years old and was also born in a concubine's room. My elder brother is precocious, talented and intelligent, and he is better than him in everything. The elders in the family often comment on the two brothers, saying that the younger brother is stupid and the older brother is excellent. After talking too much, the younger brother developed resentment in his heart and hated his elder brother. He was gloomy throughout his childhood and had no joy at all, because all the good things belonged to his elder brother, and all his things were left over from his elder brother. Later, the father died, and the younger brother separated from the elder brother immediately, and the two no longer communicated. Afterwards, the elder brother became an official, like a fish in water, rich and powerful, while the younger brother became a mediocre itinerant businessman, drinking wind and dew, and living hard.
Until twenty years later, my brother made a wrong step in his official career, was stripped of his official position, and sent back to his hometown. The younger brother also has his own business name after years of hard work, and has considerable assets. The elder brother had nowhere to go, so he came to seek refuge with the younger brother.
The brothers have seen each other for decades. The younger brother is well-dressed and has a red face. The older brother is ragged, sallow and emaciated, and is seriously ill.
Yi Mo stopped talking here, and asked Shen Qingxuan: "What do you think about their brotherhood?"
Shen Qingxuan thought for a while, and said with a smile: "My younger brother naturally accepted my elder brother, gave him food and clothing, cured his illness, and really started a brotherhood."
Yi Mo nodded: "That's right."
"If I were a younger brother, I would do the same." Shen Qingxuan said, "What could be more satisfying than seeing someone who was once unattainable crawling at your feet and accepting alms from you?"
Yi Mo heard this and looked at him, thought about it, and then said: "That's not the case."
"what is that?"
"After all, you are a little bit worse." Yi Mo said slowly: "Although there is a gap between them, they are brothers in the end, and they are connected by blood in their bones. Therefore, the younger brother accepts the older brother and treats him well, not entirely because of revenge. It is because, when When the younger brother saw his brother's desolation, the first thing he thought of was himself. He had also been humbled and discriminated against, and he knew the hard work. When the two brothers met after many years, at that moment, it was not a relationship of giving and giving. It's that they are finally equal, and they can put aside all external interference and regain their brotherhood."
Yi Mo said: "Shen Qingxuan, you harmed Shen Zhen because you knew you were the victim, and Shen Zhen was the beneficiary of the whole incident. You didn't let him go, it should be right, you don't need to feel guilty. Later you Saving him and loving him is also because you let him escape from death and experience your suffering. You are finally even, and you don't need to feel guilty."
Yi Mo said, "Am I right?"
Shen Qingxuan was speechless.
I don't know how long it took before I nodded and sighed with a smile: "That's right." After a short pause, he said again: "In fact, Shen Zhen never asked me why I hated him before, maybe he vaguely guessed something, but he just didn't dare to say it …which is the same as mine.”
Shen Qingxuan thought, they are brothers after all. Even if you point it out unclearly, you know that once this matter is exposed, the consequences may be unpredictable.
They can't tell, they can't ask. Because the Shen family is where they grew up, no matter how bad it is. Those that are not good are not as good as those that make them nostalgic.
No one has the heart to really destroy this home.
So those who are not good can only be hidden and suppressed. Let the time pass by, time sharpen, and finally rot into a rotten thorn in the flesh. Maybe there will be some chance that this rotten thorn will be pulled out and turned into dust, allowing the wound to re-grow granulation and heal it.
Shen Qingxuan pushed his chair over and took Yi Mo's hand, without saying anything, just holding it quietly.
Fingers intertwined, silent.
It seems that holding it like this is going to the end of time.
Outside, the sun was everywhere, shining brightly on the unmelted snow.
Shen Qingxuan said: "How fortunate."
Then no more sound.
If he didn't finish, Yi Mo knew it.
That sentence is - how lucky I was to meet you.
Maybe it was because of the sunny weather, Yi Mo let him hold hands, and looked at the scenery outside the window side by side, never pulling away.