I clenched the fingers holding the box tightly, wishing I could dig into the flesh and blood.
I kept telling myself not to hate, although this life is still not consummated, but I haven't completely followed the old path of my previous life, I haven't been controlled by Qin Fu, and I haven't done anything that really hurt Wen Yang.
You see... You once said that the purpose of your rebirth is to atone for your sins. You have almost done it. Soon Wen Yang will be so strong that he doesn't need you anymore. He can handle everything by himself. Those people can no longer hurt him, so it's time to leave Yes, it's just a little earlier than expected, it doesn't make any difference.
You can't be too greedy—enough is enough, this result is better than the previous life.
I suppressed all my resentment and unwillingness, and used all my strength to open the door. When I staggered out, I tore away all my disguise in an instant.
I stood firm, my heart ached, if I could not leave.
When I was going downstairs, I met Yang Xuan who came out of the elevator. This girl is still so dignified and beautiful that it is shocking.
I lost my mind for a moment, from now on I will disappear forever in Wen Yang's life, and this person will occupy all the favorable conditions, and slowly come together with Wen Yang, this is the result I had expected, but now But there was a voice telling me that this was not what I really expected to see, even if it was only one out of ten thousand, I had expected that person to be myself.
Why must it be her, why can't that person be me
Jealousy and hatred surged up in my heart, without this person, would Wen Yang and I...
I saw Yang Xuan took a step back under my gaze, looking at me warily, I closed my eyes and tried my best to suppress my irritable emotions.
I looked at her, and my voice was a little hoarse: "That day, I'm sorry, I've been very irritable and unable to control my emotions during this time, and I didn't intend to target you."
"Oh, it's... nothing." Yang Xuan forced a smile, "It's normal, everyone has a bad mood, and it will be fine after a while. If you feel that you can't adjust, I know a psychological expert, that... I'm not saying you have anything, but it may be effective to have a professional person help to solve it. Sometimes I get into a dead end, and I will talk to him, don't have any psychological burden, this is not a big problem." It may be. Fearing that I would not be able to accept it, Yang Xuan tried her best to explain.
Seeing Yang Xuan's unfaltering concern, I was somewhat touched in my heart, and I forced a smile on my face: "Thank you, but no need, I will find a way by myself, if it is convenient in the future..." I paused, Said, "Just help me take care of Wen Yang more."
I know in my heart better than anyone else how serious I am this time. Now I can hardly control my emotions. If I stop taking medicine for a long time, it will only become more serious in the future. What will I do at that time, what will happen? To Wen Yang, how to treat Yang Xuan? I can't guarantee these myself. The madness of the previous life still seems to be vivid, so I don't dare to gamble.
Yang Xuan seemed to have just discovered the suitcase in my hand, and asked in confusion, "Where are you going?"
Following her gaze, I looked down at my luggage and said with a smile, "Leave for a while and go outside to relax. This is also a good solution."
Yang Xuan frowned and asked, "But are you going on a long trip? When will you come back? Wen Yang knows?"
Yang Xuan asked three questions in a row, and I said, "I wanted to go outside for a walk before, so this is the opportunity."
"Then... when will you come back?" Yang Xuan asked again.
I paused, feeling overwhelmed with sadness, "Who knows? If you're tired, or feel better, then it's almost time." I looked up and saw Yang Xuan's confused and bewildered expression, and said with a smile, " Maybe you came back when you got married, and I also want to see who can marry my goddess away."
When Yang Xuan and Wen Yang get married, one year... two years... maybe then I will be fine, maybe... hope...
At night, I was lying on the bed in the hotel, the rain seemed to be still falling, and the sound of pattering rain came from time to time, I looked up and looked outside, the rain curtain was like a curtain, I suddenly smiled.
This thief is so naive and not a thing...
I still slept very late, and early the next morning, I printed out my resignation letter and entered the director's office.
Our director is a middle-aged man in his forties. He is like the best interpretation of the elite. He has an elegant temperament and a kind of peaceful nobility in every gesture. Because of proper maintenance, he sometimes looks less energetic than Chen Peng. At least, in some respects, I think he is very similar to Wen Yang.
He put down my resignation letter, crossed his hands, and said: "I remember that we had a good chat on the eve of your graduation. You have your own opinions on your career planning. I don't know what made you change your mind. , did you find a better place, or is there some other reason?"
"It's me..."
He interrupted me and said: "I want to hear the truth. I don't think there is anything to hide. Young people, I can understand any ideas. I want to know if there is something wrong with the company. , My employees feel aggrieved, if this is the case, we will know where we need to improve."
I don’t know what other companies are like. In my two lifetimes, I have only worked in t·r seriously, but I also know that the human nature of the company can’t find another company. I always feel that I am very lucky and I have gained a lot Many envious eyes.
It was only a few months ago that I made a bold statement that I would retire here, but now it seems that I have a young heart, contradicting my promise, how can I not feel ashamed.
I don't want to make up any reason, but the fact is that I can't say it. I can only state my position: "It has nothing to do with the company. It's my personal reasons. Something happened recently. I'm not in a good state of mind, so I want to go out and relax." , My thought of wanting to stay in the company was true, and now my thought of leaving is also true, I am sorry, and I am also sorry for my irresponsible behavior."
The director frowned and looked at me, and pondered: "Chen Peng told me before that you are not in good condition, but no matter what happens, resigning is too impulsive. What happens after you relax? Life has to go on, what are you going to do? Find a job from scratch? If you feel unsatisfactory, resign, then you will only repeat such actions in the future, although leaving is your freedom, but your reason cannot convince me."
I know what the director said is right, if possible, I don't want to have such a choice, but—I closed my eyes and let out a long sigh: "Director, this is indeed my current thinking and choice, I can't think of a better solution. "
The director looked at me, and after a long while, he said: "Old Lin's team is going to the United States. I remember that your visa has also been issued, so you can follow. They are almost ready, and you don't need to do anything. Just want to relax." It's the same wherever you go, if you still think this way after you come back, I won't keep you."
I was stunned for a while, if this business trip was a different place, I would not agree to it, but it happened to be the United States.
I really don't know what the diagnosis will be like after I go to the United States, but if there is nothing serious, it is undoubtedly my best choice to stay. It is hard to live a stable life, and I don't want to give up just like this .
What if... what if it's not as serious as I thought
The visa is prepared for the company's newcomers to go to the United States for training. Yesterday I was misunderstood by Wen Yang because of this, but now it is also convenient for me.
In the evening, I boarded the flight to the United States, waiting for me will be the trial of fate, and I extremely hope that fate will be on my side this time.
Or should I say "May God bless" piously, I don't want to become a lunatic again.
half a month later—
"The world is like a besieged city, people in the city squeeze out, and people outside the city squeeze in."
As a well-known bustling business district in the United States, Times Square is always full of surging crowds. Standing at a densely populated intersection, I somehow suddenly remembered this sentence. People can control their desires, detach themselves from the outside world, and be a spectator indifferently.
If Dr. Lance knew I was here, he would definitely yell and take me back. He said that I am a dangerous person now and cannot appear in crowded places. If I accidentally go crazy, I might do something antisocial. things to come.
I don't think anyone doubted his words, because at that time I was being pressed on the bed by several nurses, and he was covering his injured half of his face, making a final diagnosis and summary of my condition.
He has always restricted my going out. I was on a business trip for half a month. I only got together with my colleagues once, did some simple work, and left after a short stay. This made many colleagues who came with me dissatisfied. Although the leader said hello, But I have never seen such perfunctory, this is purely out for fun, anyone is somewhat unbalanced, this person has been in the company for a while, and he has not seen any particularly outstanding results.
I know the dissatisfaction of my colleagues, but these are no longer important to me, and I put all my thoughts on my "self-pity" fate.
The reason why a miracle becomes a miracle is because the probability is too small. Naturally, it cannot happen to a guy like me who is born with bad luck. I am only in my early twenties, and all the relatives around me have died. In the old words, it is a godsend Gu Xing, it's really hard to say whether it's me who is more unlucky, or my relatives who are more unlucky.
Lance said that there is a demon in everyone's heart, and it will suddenly come out when people relax their defenses, so we occasionally do some impulsive things, but we have at least a sense of reason and awareness of the right things , so we have the ability to control "it".
Lance also said that what Qin Fu gave me was a slow drug, which could make people fall into their own crazy lust without knowing it. It was a slow process that people didn't notice.
This is in line with the situation in my previous life, but it is obviously not in line with my current situation. After I came into contact with Qin Fu, I started to feel restless at night, disturbed by nightmares, and everything was violent. Finally, I also discovered my own abnormality.
"You have to know that some people in this world always do things unreasonably. The person who gave you the medicine increased the dose and increased the dose several times for you. My God! I can't imagine it. I heard that he is you. Father, how can there be such an evil person in the world? My poor Shi."
When Lance said this, I was trembling all over at the time, so I said that Qin Fu increased the dose because he was afraid that he would not have enough opportunities to prescribe me the drug. He didn't care what it would do to me at all. He didn't give up on me because I was gay, he wanted to destroy me in the first place.
"Shi, listen to me, you have to control your reason, keep calm at all times, don't do anything that affects your emotions, don't think about work, you need to recuperate here, and the effects of overdose will slowly appear , the evil god will slowly counterattack, you are not suitable to stay outside, it will hurt—my God—Shi, you have to calm down!"
Lance called it "Cthulhu", but I think it is very appropriate, just like in a fantasy novel, there is a Cthulhu living in my body, it is an evil and dark existence that cannot see light, but no one knows when it will break It came out of my body, devoured my consciousness, and completely reduced me to a lunatic.
can i beat it No! I don't have any confidence. Not only did I have no resistance in my previous life, I even broke the bridge of a medical staff's nose not long ago.
In fact, God knows what I was thinking at the time. I suddenly felt unusually angry and full of hatred. When I realized it, my eyes were already in a mess. I was like this before I was arrested in a mental hospital in my last life. My memory is incomplete. Yes, every day is intermittent.
I don't want to go to a sanatorium for a lunatic asylum anymore. I'll stay there for three to five years. Even if I'm cured, what can I do after I get out? Alone with no family or friends, don't know what to do, don't know where to go? Life has no meaning to me.
How about putting an end to your life while you are still awake.