The first time we met, I had a slight liking for Wen Yang more than others, but I didn't expect at that time that this faint liking for Wen Yang would gradually sublimate into another kind of affection.
When I was a child, my mother was always hot and cold to me. In my memory, my grandfather always liked to squat on the balcony and smoke. His back was always full of sadness and bitterness, while my grandmother shed tears secretly in the room. All their emotions were covered Due to my daughter's misfortune, the energy that can be allocated to me is really limited, and with the departure of my daughter, it also consumed all their hopes for life, and left me one after another.
I seem to know subconsciously that this home is not secure. When I am hurt outside, I cannot draw comfort from it, because their world is far more painful than mine, and there is never anything behind me to support.
This also caused my feelings to be very indifferent, and my self-esteem was very strong. I was always blamed since I was a child. When I was a little more sensible, I tried to make myself more "normal" and more gregarious, but those deliberate actions often Didn't last long, didn't improve my situation, and in the end I concluded it was "not worth it".
Wen Yang was the first person who made me want to get close to him from the bottom of my heart. He let him enter my heart little by little and changed me little by little. I feel interested in those boring and uninteresting things, I started to participate in group activities, I am willing to try to communicate with others more, and slowly come out of my own world.
After meeting Wen Yang, my life began to become "normal".
The meaning of Wen Yang to me is not just as simple as a love object. He is "home", a relative, a place where I can heal when I am sad, and the only person I can think of when I am in pain. The person I least want to lose.
"What did you think?" Lance asked.
After I nodded, I shook my head again, watching him speak softly: "Lance, do you think I can really get well?"
Lance breathed a sigh of relief, stood up, walked to the filing cabinet beside him, and said, "Shi, I've seen you get sick three times in total, and every time you called someone's name, the most you said was "I'm sorry" And "save me", because you have been suppressed by drugs for more than half a month, yesterday's outbreak was the most severe. At that time, you called his name in pain and kept asking him to save you. call him."
My face turned pale, did I really call Wen Yang
Lance pulled out a folder from the cabinet, turned his head and shrugged at me in panic, "But it turned out that after you got the phone, you dropped it."
I breathed a sigh of relief and finally knew the reason why the phone was broken.
"You know, the most dangerous thing about your illness is that it will magnify your emotions, making you often unable to control your emotions. In order to suppress your mania, we will try to kill the triggers that can cause you to lose control of your emotions. It is not to your taste, or the decoration of the room is intrusive and unsatisfactory, so you feel very angry, so you get angry, and what we can do is to ask a Chinese chef to make meals that suit your taste, rearrange your room, let You feel comfortable, so your emotions calm down, but ... these little things, sometimes you can get over it by yourself."
I lowered my face: "So what you mean is that I will cooperate with you in the fight against the so-called serious illness, and keep my emotions under control at all times. In the end, whether I can be cured or not depends entirely on myself. Are you trying to say that?"
Lance let out a breath, shrugged his shoulders, and said as he returned to his seat: "This is our good wish, but the fact is that you can't control your emotions all the time. This morning, you knocked over in annoyance. Wendy brought you milk, then you apologized to her, you explained that you hate milk, but if we change the situation, the person you hate the most, stands in front of you and says some mean language, you will probably Impulsively picked up the fruit knife on the table and killed him directly, Shi, am I right?"
I hugged my chest and looked at him intently: "It's a very appropriate metaphor, I hope you don't become the one I hate."
"Shi, don't threaten me, we are discussing the illness." Lance said helplessly, "Everyone has their own aversion, fear and desire. When this emotion is infinitely magnified, it will be completely controlled by *. Losing basic sanity, this is the scariest part of your illness, so we need to find out these violent points that make you lose control of your emotions, overcome them, and keep your emotions within a controllable range. At this time, you can control your emotions , the odds of overcoming the disease are much greater, so Shi, what can make you lose control?"
My face froze suddenly, and then I put my hands behind my head and leaned back: "Lance, I will hate you more and more."
"After you fell ill yesterday, we plan to perform hypnotherapy on you when you are mentally weak, implying that you forget the "causes" that make you manic. If successful, wait for the effects of the drugs on you to gradually disappear, so that your spirit during this period can be restored. Minimize the damage, minimize the harm to your body, and minimize the impact on your future life, so that your condition can be relieved, but..." Langston paused, and said regretfully, "We failed , We don't have the ability to split the soul, Shi, that person has been carved into your soul by you, you would rather hurt yourself than forget him."
"Oh? So I'm so great!" I said with a cold face, "But I think it is necessary to ask for my consent for this kind of treatment. Who gave you the right? What else did you do to me? What hints did you give me, why do I have no impression at all?"
"Shi, calm down, we won't harm you, you know I don't need to tell you these things, but we need to build trust between us to help future treatment, your current situation is very bad." Lance said The information in my hand was pushed in front of me, "Your weight on the medical report is only 150 pounds! Losing 10 pounds in a month doesn't seem like a lot, but the treatment is long-term, Shi, it will be very dangerous if it goes on like this, do you still remember you What about the first time we came here? We are fighting evil gods, I swear to God, if you don't like it, we will ask for your permission in the future, just like this time I am asking for your permission, can you please That friend came to assist you in your treatment, and he might be able to stabilize your emotions."
I closed my eyes, took a slow breath, and said softly, "I'm sorry, Lance, I won't bother him whether my illness can be cured or not." He knows the dirty thoughts I have for him, and he can't destroy his hard-won feelings, let alone make him sick and loathe me from now on.
"Why, why bother, how do you know what he will think?"
I looked up at him and said firmly: "I know!" No one knows better than me, I can dream every day, those things seem to have happened yesterday, the indifferent and disgusted eyes made me completely annihilated in the darkness Among them, there is no peace in my life.
"Maybe..."
"No possibility." I interrupted Lance: "Lance, if you really respect me, don't do anything to disturb Wen Yang. This is the premise of our trust and the bottom line."
Lance watched and was silent for a while before saying, "Well, I respect your decision—"
"I need your pledge!"
"I promise, I swear to God."
I, Lance, reached an agreement and started my treatment days in the United States.
I got to know Wang Kai. He was the Chinese psychiatrist who hypnotized me at that time. It is said that he was very famous in their circle. I invited him here because of the problem of my mother tongue. The deeper I frowned, the more I knew my situation might be getting worse.
I often wake up in bed for no reason, and lose a piece of memory for no reason. I don't know what happened, and I don't know what I did when I got sick.
In three months, my weight dropped dramatically, from 68 kg at the beginning to less than 50 kg later, and I was only skinny. With a height of 178 cm and a standard weight of more than 70 kg, she lives under the same roof as Wen Yang, has an enviable job, is appreciated by her boss, and is liked by the company girls...
It's just that in less than half a year, I became what I am now, all because of... because...
Why? Not only my body, but also my memory is getting worse and worse, and it is difficult to remember many things.
Now I can't even do normal exercise, and the medical staff are no longer worried about my manic episodes, because I have lost the ability to do harmful things.
Most of the time I lie in bed in a daze, sometimes recalling past and present lives, but most of the time I don’t think about anything, time always passes in a daze.
My memory is so confused, sometimes I feel like I am dreaming, I am not reborn at all, it is just a hallucination before I die, a dream I made for myself.
"Shi, why don't you resist at all, are you waiting to die?"
I heard someone talking in my ear in broken Chinese, a very familiar voice, I couldn't remember it for a while, I have always been like this recently, and I don't know why.
"I'm afraid he won't be able to last long in this state. Why don't we contact that person. It is said that they are very good friends. I think he should be willing to help."
"Shi will not agree. We must respect the wishes of the patient. You have also seen that he is so decisive. Your hypnotherapy has no effect. If we really do that, he may choose..."
I am like a terminally ill patient waiting to die. I want to get rid of it one day earlier, but I also have nostalgia and nostalgia for the world, but I already feel that my world is slowly turning black, and I am gradually losing the strength to open my eyes.
I feel as if I have returned to the happiest time in college. Standing on the playground, looking up at the blue sky, looking at the school buildings and classrooms in the distance, am I born again? Did God hear my prayer
A man came from the distance of the playground, the summer sun was dazzling white, that man walked towards me with an elegant figure and sunshine all over his body, as if all the warm and beautiful things were slowly approaching me, I looked at him , the corners of his mouth raised unconsciously, and then he couldn't help but smile slowly.
Wen Yang stood in front of me, stunned for a while, and said helplessly: "What are you smirking, let's go, the last rehearsal of the play, don't you want to watch the show? Fang Qin is looking for you everywhere."