- I hope your voice will be heard by more people.
It's not the first time I've heard someone say that.
However, only Qi Jin said this to the real "Shen Yan".
The diary in his hand is not any script, and he is not playing any role. The original is what he wrote spontaneously, without any cover, the most real him.
Even so... Qi Jin still expressed such expectations to him.
The voice stopped for a while, not because there was nothing to say, but the vocal cords suddenly lost all strength. Choked up in general.
Shen Yan's palm lightly grasped the place where Qi Jin's fingertips made marks.
After that, the hands gradually folded and tightened.
Perhaps because it was funny that only one finger was being held, and Shen Yan even felt a little pain when she exerted force, Qi Jin couldn't help but frowned and smiled at him.
Just as he was about to speak, the smile stopped when the eyes of the two met.
Turning his back to the light of the floor lamp, he couldn't see the expression on Shen Yan's face, he only knew that his eyebrows were lowered, as if he was restraining something. There was no light in those eyes, they were dark and deep, like a sea that the sun couldn't penetrate, so deep that the bottom could not be seen, virtually preventing those who wanted to jump down.
"What's wrong?" Qi Jin was stunned for a while, then came back to his senses, slowly scratched his index finger in his palm, and put on a relaxed smile again.
Shen Yan obviously didn't say anything, but he could observe the subtle changes in the other party's emotions.
And not a good change.
"Shen Yan?" Inexplicably worried, Qi Jin called out in a low voice again, raising her shoulders to get up. At this time, Shen Yan finally reacted, and silently pressed him to stay on the pillow.
"Okay, read here tonight. It's time for you to sleep." Shen Yan closed the diary, leaned over and whispered.
At this time, the angle changed slightly, and the light was able to enter and illuminate half of his face - there was nothing strange about it, it was still gentle and quiet. The blackness in his eyes rose from the bottom of the sea to the surface. At this time, there seemed to be one or two stars, and it didn't look so dim.
It was very late now, and no matter how fond of his voice, it could not be at the expense of his normal rest time.
Qi Jin nodded and smiled: "Okay, I'll read it again tomorrow."
Shen Yan put down the diary silently, put it on his pillow, did not get up and leave immediately, but quietly looked at Qi Jin for a long time, and then released the clenched hands slightly to separate their body temperature.
"Go to sleep, I'll turn off the lights for you." Shen Yan urged softly.
He stood up from the bed, walked to the floor lamp and pressed the switch. The bedroom was plunged into darkness, and only the light from the living room could faintly penetrate the door. Qi Jin narrowed his eyes and adapted for a few seconds, and when he opened them fully again, he could see the silhouette of the other party standing under the wall for a long time.
It seemed that he didn't want to leave.
In fact, Qi Jin didn't want him to leave. In addition to wanting to listen to Shen Yan's diary, the more important thing is to get more time together.
Although they still have a long way to go in the future, but today, the person he misses is no longer a photo in the archive of his mobile phone or an image in his memory, he can hear and touch, and gave him a real hug—so warm Addictive, so he also greedily asks like an addict.
Some time ago, I had eaten too much bitterness, and my craving for sweetness became stronger.
"What's the matter, are you reluctant to leave?" The best way to hide your thoughts is to ask the other person jokingly.
Shen Yan didn't answer and didn't move.
"Otherwise, we can sleep together, the bed is very spacious anyway." Qi Jin squinted slightly like a lazy cat, teasing him like that on purpose. Qi Jin has a bad habit of teasing again when he knows that the other party has been questioned by him. Anyway, Shen Yan definitely couldn't answer this sentence.
As he expected, Shen Yan didn't respond.
The joke seems to be getting a little too big. Qi Jin laughed and took the initiative to relieve him: "Just kidding. Go and rest, good night."
At this time, Shen Yan took a step from the shadows and slowly walked back to the bed.
Qi Jin thought he was just coming back to say good night, if he hadn't suddenly leaned over and put his hands on the sides of the pillow—
When she felt the pillow sinking, Qi Jin stood up in shock and took a short breath.
Very light, if the other party is not close at hand, it should be completely inaudible.
But Shen Yan was too close to him, so that the contours on his face could clearly emerge even in low light conditions, and the distance was still shortened inch by inch, until the breath could be passed directly between the two of them, and the breath blew to the On the skin, it is itchy, and even the temperature is still there.
Qi Jin lay back subconsciously, bent his knees, and shrank back slightly. The pillow sank deeper, and the arms remained motionless.
It was pitch black all around.
The light has been turned off, he is lying on the bed, and the hands of the man in front of him are pressing on either side of his neck, there is nowhere to escape.
"Shen Yan..." In shock, he called out that person's name dryly without daring to blink.
The figure on the body seemed to hear it, and it seemed like it didn't hear it, but just didn't move.
"Shen Yan..." Realizing that the other party might have taken his joke seriously, Qi Jin finally panicked and said in a trembling voice, "I was joking just now."
Rather than being shy, fear prevailing.
We are all grown ups, and grown men. It would be a lie to say that I never thought about what would happen under the same roof. However, in the case of a broken arm, lying together on the first night, there may even be other movements, it's really... a bit beyond expectations, I can't accept it naturally.
Seeing that he was motionless, Qi Jin couldn't help but pull out one hand from the quilt and gently pushed him.
Putting her fingers on Shen Yan's chest, it was an obvious gesture of resistance. Possibly due to being too nervous, his hands could not stop shaking slightly.
The man on his body finally moved at this time, his breathing stopped for a while, and Qi Jin couldn't hear any breath from him.
Then the strength in his hand loosened, and the thing he was holding before suddenly disappeared, and he could only make a false block in mid-air - it turned out that it was the chest that retreated.
"I know," came the hoarse voice in the darkness, with a wry smile, "I know you're joking... Don't be afraid, don't be afraid of me."
Having said that, the hand on the pillow moved away, and one of them turned around and gently pressed against Qi Jin's temples, dipping into a lock or two of hair, stroking, combing, and comforting very carefully.
Qi Jin's hand stayed in the same place for a while, and finally put it back.
"Good night." Seeing his hand retracting the quilt, Shen Yan lowered her eyes slightly and said goodbye solemnly. The smile is a little pale.
The first time it wasn't to say good night to each other across the network cable, it should have been a very warm memory, but he brought flaws to this memory.
He let go of his hands completely, so that Qi Jin could lie down in peace, first took two steps back, and stood for a few seconds at a distance where the other party could feel safe. Then, he took a long detour in front of the bed, choosing the route furthest from the bed to the door.
Shen Yan left the bedroom, gently closed the door, and after hearing the door lock "click", he released his hand from the doorknob in a daze and held his forehead.
In fact, he didn't mean to force Qi Jin just now.
Not to lie down like Qi Jin mentioned. Because he promised that he would wait until Qi Jin nodded.
Even so, hearing Qi Jin's words of encouragement to her, my heart was touched, and he was teased again and again, and when I parted, I suddenly had the idea of kissing him - I just wanted to kiss the forehead, just so.
However, it turns out that breaking a promise doesn't work... I almost annoyed him myself, didn't I
After thinking about it, I was terrified, and my fingers started to get cold.
Shen Yan shook her head silently a few times, calmed down, turned off the lights in the living room, returned to the study, sat quietly on the seat for another quarter of an hour, and finally fell asleep with her clothes on.
The bed in the study was very narrow, and there was not much room for turning over. He lay quietly on his back, staring at the blank ceiling.
When everything was silent, the street lamps in the distance became the only light source in the middle of the night, and a little dim light was sent through the wall. Unfortunately, this could not prevent the white of the ceiling from being dyed gray by the night.
Gray is the color of dreams, because memories are black and white, and the fragments of memories are intertwined and become gray.
Many people's dreams are made up of memories.
When he fell asleep without knowing when, that dream came.
A long-lost dream. In the dream, he was invisible, just a simple camera lens, framing everything in front of him, including the rental house enclosed in the depths of his memory.
The iron door was rusted and tightly shut all day long.
This door is only opened once in the morning, at noon and in the evening, when the residents inside are commuting to get off work and taking a lunch break.
An upside-down "Fu" character pasted on the door was bought at random from a stall during the Chinese New Year. The workmanship is rough. In summer, the color has begun to fade, and it looks worn and old. roll up.
The tape was put on by himself. At that time, I was too young and didn't know how to make it symmetrical and beautiful. After sitting on the ground for a long time, it was still one piece on the left and one piece on the right. But it wasn't him who put the blessing on the door, it was the woman in front of him who was watching him fiddle with the tape. At first, he still smiled slightly, until he got up and wanted to go out with her to stick the stickers, and that smile disappeared.
"Shen Yan," the woman squatted down again, put her index finger on her lips, and made a "shush" gesture, "Don't talk, don't make a sound."
He looked at the woman's serious expression, nodded, sat back and silently grabbed the rest of the tape to play with.
The woman didn't move, and continued: "Go back to the room to play, or someone will see you when you open the door."
He nodded again, packed up the tape and small scissors on the ground, put them in a plastic box, and carried them back to the bedroom, not forgetting to slowly close the door.
This rented one-bedroom and one-living room has very few furnishings and is very simple, but it is good enough for rough tea and light meals.
The woman didn't send him to kindergarten. She hurriedly made breakfast for two people every day. She went to work before she could finish eating. She would go home for an hour and a half during the lunch break. During the lunch break, she would take a short nap and go out again in the afternoon until dusk. return.
When the woman was away, he knew how to go to the cabinet to find building blocks to build, find plasticine to pinch, or find the little book that the woman bought him to read slowly. Although she has never attended kindergarten, she will teach him to read and read at night, and he will read it himself after a long time, through which he will survive the long mornings and afternoons.
The phone at home rarely rings, but sometimes it keeps ringing, and the woman will sit aside and stare at the phone, but refuse to answer.
Even if he did, the woman would tell him before picking up the microphone: "Shen Yan, don't talk, don't make a sound."
He nodded lightly, and obediently came to the corner to read his story picture book.
Don't talk, don't make a sound.
This is what the woman taught him from time to time. Once he got used to this kind of suggestion, even if the woman sat on the chair and sobbed alone after listening to the phone, he could only watch it quietly.
Because he knows that if he speaks without permission, the woman will beat his palm severely with a board ruler, and he is not allowed to cry when it hurts.
I cried once before, but I probably couldn't suppress the cry, and I was accidentally heard by the neighbor next door. Later, the two couples next door wrapped a few handmade rice dumplings during the Dragon Boat Festival, and planned to distribute them to the neighbors. When it was their turn, the woman told him to hurry back to the room, and he also collected all the children's things in the living room. OK, this is the door.
He sat alone behind the door, motionless, listening to the woman at the door and the couple greet and chat politely, trying not to make any noise.
"By the way, do you have children in your family?" Suddenly, the lady asked curiously.
"No, I'm single." The woman answered very briefly, but there was already a hint of fear in her voice.
"That's true, you're still so young." The lady flattered.
"Hey, but I seemed to hear a child crying on your side before, isn't it your house, but another tenant?" The gentleman also smiled. However, his tone was very leisurely, and he didn't mean to be serious with her.
"Maybe I heard it wrong." The woman smiled forcefully.
This accident caused him to suffer the most terrifying beating since he was sensible.
He covered his mouth with a towel so that he wouldn't cry again for the neighbors to hear, and then whipped it hard with a feather duster, until the skin was torn and the blood continued to flow down.
"Don't cry, don't make a sound! You were almost exposed by the neighbors today, you know!" The woman scolded him in a low voice.
He bit the towel tightly, unable to struggle, only nodded mechanically with tears in his eyes.
"Is this still the case in the future?" the woman asked hoarsely.
He shook his head weakly. There was no sound from the beginning to the end, and even after taking off the towel, he only choked in a low voice.
The woman was probably tired from playing. She sat on the edge of the bed with her lower half of her body slumped, and looked at him with a faint look. She looked like a solitary ghost with half of her makeup removed, extremely mournful. He got up from the ground by himself, endured the pain and limped to her side, buried his head under the quilt and cried enough, and wiped the tears off his face. The woman threw away the feather duster, took him into her arms, and choked up.
"Shen Yan... You have to forgive mother." The woman repeated over and over again like a playback machine, "If you are found out, it will not be good for anyone. You know?"
With a blank expression on his face, he was lying hard in her arms, motionless.
"Anyway, remember, don't talk, just don't let them hear you." The woman's broken thoughts resounded in his ears like a spell.
Just don't talk, I understand.
And what he wants to say, no one will listen.