The dream continues like the gray road beneath my feet. The rental house began to fall apart, littering the pavement with pieces of debris, each filled with a piece of memory.
Walking in the past is like walking through the passing of those years.
The woman in front of her looked even more haggard, and she grew taller, reaching the age of elementary school.
Moving to a new place, a completely unfamiliar city and community, is no longer an old rental house in a small town, but a small suite like a matchbox in a high-rise building. Although it is also rented, the door is a stainless steel security door, which is shiny and new, much more attractive than the old iron door.
Since he was of school age, the woman was finally willing to let him go to school, and for the first time, she led him out of the house in broad daylight.
Women rarely say that mantra.
Because he has learned to be silent, there is no need to remind him over and over again.
The school is quite a noisy place. The traffic at the school gate, the running and jumping peers, the teachers who maintain order, and the scattered voices bury him like a tide from all directions. People, the ears were buzzing, and there was a sense of suffocation invisibly.
All this is very strange, strange to a realm that makes him terrified, and cold sweat keeps coming out of his palms.
but it does not matter.
As long as he doesn't speak, he doesn't make a sound - that's how women have always taught him.
"What's your name?" the amiable head teacher asked him, bending over and smiling slightly.
After a long while, he slowly raised his eyes, and the other party looked at him curiously like thorns, forcing him to immediately lower his head and take a step towards the woman, hiding half of his body behind her long skirt.
"His name is Shen Yan." The woman replied with a social smile.
"Shen Yan," the head teacher repeated, then turned to the woman, "your child seems to be very shy."
From his point of view, the expression on the woman's face could not be seen, but she squeezed his hand tightly for a moment, and several of his phalanges hurt, but he remained silent, just enduring.
"He's not my child, but my nephew." The woman's tone was hard and straight, without any flexibility. "My brother and my sister-in-law are working in other places and have no time to take their children, so they are fostered with me."
"Ah, is that so?" The head teacher looked at him subconsciously.
At this time, the woman turned her head to the side, lowered her head and stared at him motionless, following the head teacher's line of sight, her wrists strained, and his entire body was pulled forward by her, and she couldn't help stumbling back to the head teacher. The woman opened her mouth and urged expressionlessly: "Speak, be right."
say.
For the first time he heard a woman say this, his eyes widened and he blinked blankly.
Nephew, brother, sister-in-law, field, work. None of that is his case - it turns out that he can speak when he plays "someone else"
"Yes. Mom and Dad are very busy and at work." The voice was so low that it was almost inaudible, but he finally said it.
"So that's the case." Seeing him speak, the head teacher patted his head with a smile to show his consolation.
The woman seemed satisfied with his answer, allowing him to retreat quietly behind her skirt again.
So, he played a stranger with the same name as him during the day, and when he returned home at night, he returned to the silent, real Shen Yan.
After coming to this city, women became alcoholics. Sometimes they came back at two or three in the middle of the night. When they got alcohol, they would break into the room and shake him to wake him up. Ripped to shreds, then hysterically asked him questions he didn't know the answer to.
For example, "Why do you look so much like your dad".
For example, "If I didn't give birth to you, would I be able to go back to the past and be a new person?"
But the most difficult question to answer is "why can't your dad hear your words, let him get a divorce, and let him come over and pick us up right away".
He didn't know how to speak so that his father, who he had never met, could hear and do what the woman said. Because he is the real "Shen Yan" - no one wants to hear what he really says.
The woman didn't listen either.
Not only did he not listen, he even got so drunk once that he suddenly went mad and covered his head with the quilt.
It was an early morning with no room for any light. When he opened his eyes, he saw nothing but darkness.
His entire head was covered under the quilt by the woman, and it was extremely difficult to breathe, and his trachea was almost scratched by the intense airflow in and out. He instinctively stretched out his hand to push, knead, and struggle, but all he could touch was a solid wall that was boundless, invisible, and unshakable.
The strength gradually reached the limit.
The darkness was like clumps of odorless cotton stuffed into eyes, nose, ears, and throat, airtight. At such a moment of extreme fear, the vocal cords could not make a sound, nor could he shout half a word, and when he opened his mouth, he could only hear a single sound similar to "uh" intermittently.
"Uh... uh..." he pleaded so bitterly until he passed out of hypoxia.
"Shen Yan, don't talk, don't make a sound." Only then would the woman move out of her old mantra, "No one will hear, no one will come."
wrong.
some.
Someone said that he wanted to hear me and hear my voice. Still want to... let more people hear.
And he has come to my side, right here, within reach—
Suddenly woke up.
I saw myself reaching for the still blank ceiling with one hand, as if eager to grab something.
The colour of the ceiling has transitioned from dark grey to light grey.
Morning has come.
Shen Yan's fingers scratched in the air, gently let it down, then panted and closed her eyes and lay back, the small cold sweat on her back was all crushed, soaking the clothes behind.
After lying down for only a few seconds, he suddenly trembled, rolled over and hurriedly got out of bed as if he had remembered something, opened the door and rushed to the bedroom door. I almost couldn't help knocking on the door. Fortunately, my rationality recovered in time, and my hand stopped at that moment, without disturbing the people in the bedroom.
Fortunately, the bedroom door is closed. Qi Jin is still there.
Not in his own nightmare, but truly, across a door, sleeping peacefully in a room full of dim morning light.
Shen Yan silently withdrew her hand and adjusted her breath evenly.
He stood in front of the door for a long time, and after a long while, he stretched out his hand again and touched the door panel very carefully. He didn't exert any force at all, but only scratched the door slowly. There is a slight pain wherever the finger touches.
Shen Yan was very grateful for this pain.
It will hurt, which means that this is not a continuation of a dream, but a reality.
He put his hand on the door panel and stood in this position for about five minutes, still a little worried. He left the bedroom door and walked to the wooden cabinet behind the door where the shoes were placed, and opened it to check—Qi Jin's pair of shoes were still there. .
Going to the washstand outside the bathroom, personal items such as toothbrushes, towels, razors, etc. are also complete.
Seeing these things, he was finally convinced that the man had never left, and he was a little relieved. He returned to the bedroom door, sat on the ground with his back against the wall, and walked quietly for a while.
Glancing at the old-fashioned wall clock on the wall, it was only past six in the morning.
I don't know when I fell asleep last night, but it must have been after twelve o'clock, that is to say, I slept for less than six hours. At this moment, Nao Ren'er began to have a slight pain, and her face was tired, but her breathing was much more stable.
Then, Shen Yan remembered to prepare breakfast.
So he got up and walked to the refrigerator, took out all the things that could be used as ingredients, and put them all on the table. Because he didn't know what Qi Jin likes to eat, he took a little of everything. When Qi Jin opened the door at 8:00 in the morning and came out, the first thing he saw was the table full of ingredients and Shen Yan who was sitting beside the table as motionless as a clay sculpture. He was startled.
"You got up really early."
Qi Jin widened her eyes in surprise, and the feeling of being awake and dizzy when she first got up disappeared suddenly. Isn't it usually a good idea to snooze for a while on a Sunday morning? Besides, they didn't turn off the lights until nearly twelve o'clock last night.
Of course, if he knew that Shen Yan had been sitting outside for two hours, he would be more than surprised.
"And there are so many things prepared..." Qi Jin paused, sighed again, and couldn't help laughing at the end. These things are obviously prepared for myself, and when I understand it, I can't hide my smile.
Since Qi Jin walked out of the room, Shen Yan has been staring blankly, her eyes fixed. The person is standing at the door, covered with a layer of light, the outline is washed away by the faint white, it seems empty and real, like a silhouette standing behind the curtain, maybe it is a light touch. will collapse.
Shen Yan suddenly called out, "Qi Jin."
Full of tempting calls.
Caution, apprehension, and more of a confusion of not being able to determine whether the person in front of him really exists.
"Huh?" Qi Yin responded subconsciously.
After getting the answer from the other party, Shen Yan's expression softened a little, and those eyes became bright in a trance, as if they were greatly comforted. For a moment, he seemed to be sighing, and then seemed to be smiling, or both. He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened it again, he had returned to his previous gentle and peaceful expression: "It's okay... I just wanted to ask, what kind of breakfast do you like to eat?"
"I—" Anything is fine, as long as you like it.
Just as she was about to answer this, Qi Jin suddenly found that Shen Yan's eyes had a lot of bloodshot eyes, and the corners of her eyes were slightly blue, which was definitely not an illusion reflected in the morning light, but caused by lack of sleep.
"What's the matter? You don't seem to be sleeping well, are you not used to sleeping in the crib last night?" Qi Jin frowned and asked anxiously.
"It's not the bed's problem, it's my own problem." Shen Yan smiled slightly, holding her left wrist with her right hand and resting it on her knee. This is his unique posture that can calm him down. Then he took a deep breath and promised in a low voice, "But I'll get over it slowly... for sure."
There is nothing insurmountable.
He just needs the right time, the right environment, and the right people.
Although a whole table of things came out, Qi Jin only picked out a few simple ones, everything was just fine, and it felt like home at random.
Shen Yan cooked a pot of oatmeal porridge, beat a few eggs to make an egg roll, and fry it in a frying pan without oil, as light as possible. Originally, this was enough to say, but Shen Yan shook his head and made a simple salad with green vegetables, cucumbers, and chopped celery and asparagus, so that the fracture patients could supplement some necessary vitamins. In addition, hot milk, fresh orange juice, and water are also prepared.
"How can I finish eating so much?" Qi Jin smiled helplessly as she looked at the large and small plates in front of her.
"Eat slowly." Shen Yan sat beside him like yesterday, not opposite. In this way, it is more convenient to pass things, and you can add water to his glass at any time.
Qi Jin responded lightly. There are all kinds of flavors in his mouth when he eats breakfast, but there is only one in his heart, and that is sweetness.
The two were eating when Shen Yan suddenly apologized to him: "Last night... I'm sorry."
Hearing this, Qi Jin's hand holding the spoon trembled inadvertently.
Originally, Shen Yan didn't mention it, he would treat it as nothing happened, but the other party took the initiative to open the chat box, and he had to pretend to smile easily, covering up a trace of embarrassment in his heart: "It's nothing, I was a little... surprised at that time. In fact, looking back and thinking about it, I said some strange things myself, so I can't blame you."
It sounds reluctant to answer.
Shen Yan lowered her head and slowly stopped the wooden chopsticks in her hand.
"Yeah, because you teased me, I wanted to scare you." Suddenly, he smiled lightly, and followed Qi Jin's words, "It's my fault that I really scared you."
"So you did it on purpose?" Hearing what he said, Qi Jin sighed with relief and raised her eyebrows to look at him.
"Well. But... I won't do this again in the future, I promise." Shen Yan's tone was very sincere, which undoubtedly gave Qi Jin a boost. The atmosphere that had been frozen before had melted unconsciously, and returned to the most natural and stable state when they were with each other - this is the right way, as long as it is this way.
Glancing at the people around him, Shen Yan silently buried the sigh in his heart.
After breakfast, Qi Jin was about to help clean up the dishes, but Shen Yan raised his hand slightly to signal him to return to his seat, as if he had something serious to say. Qi Jin was puzzled, and as soon as he sat back, Shen Yan said something he could not have expected: "Is the registration deadline for the dubbing competition mentioned by your friend yesterday?"
Qi Jin was taken aback.
After being stunned, it was replaced by a pounding heartbeat. He seemed to understand what Shen Yan was going to say.
"There is no deadline, you can continue to apply for the next two days." He involuntarily straightened his body and stared at Shen Yan with earnest eyes, "You... have you changed your mind?"
Perhaps it was because Qi Jin's anticipation was too strong, Shen Yan was stunned, but hesitated for a moment, bowing her head and not answering.
Qi Jin hurriedly leaned over and grabbed one of his hands, as if to firmly grasp the ray of light in the darkness and refused to let it disappear in front of her eyes: "Shen Yan, you have changed your mind."
When an interrogative sentence becomes a declarative sentence, it means irreversible.
Shen Yan sighed softly, but she didn't regret it: "Well, I don't think it's okay for me to stay where I am."
"That's great..." Qi Jin had mixed feelings when she heard the client's promise in person. The vocabulary that she usually couldn't use up was suddenly swept away, and she only knew how to repeat these three words over and over again.
Treatment for selective mutism is long and difficult. However, the possibility is not zero.
Shen Yan did not regret choosing dubbing as one of the therapies.
Because if it weren't for this, he would not have met Qi Jin, would not have known him, or had known each other.
Shen Yan quietly watched Qi Jin's eyes with sincere joy, and the more he watched, the more he felt that the nightmare was very far away from him. Old wounds will always heal completely.
"Are you going to listen?" he asked.
"Of course." Qi Jin laughed and sighed. Not only can I listen, I wish I could record it all and appreciate it slowly.
"As long as you are willing to listen, I am willing to speak." Shen Yan murmured in a low voice. He turned his palms over and clasped his fingers.
Qi Jin raised her head, and saw a very soft smile on her face, soft like two or three rays of morning light penetrating vaguely behind the curtains.