The sentence that Pan Xiaozhuo didn't hear clearly, and Tao Huainan himself blocked, was a confused and hesitant sentence: "Xiaozhuo, I seem to... I can't hear you."
The overly silent world was like a nightmare, and when Chi Cheng sat next to him and patted his head, Tao Huainan suddenly woke up from a terrible nightmare.
The voice is still there, the world is still there, Chi Cheng touched his head and asked him what's wrong, Tao Huainan shook his head, he didn't know, his memory and thinking seemed to be messed up, everything seemed unreal.
Tao Huainan has been blind since he was a child, and what he relies on most has always been his ears. Tao Huainan soon forgot about the sound that was turned off briefly that morning. But he remembered Xiaodong's voice. The helplessness and melancholy in Xiaodong's voice were engraved in Tao Huainan's mind, and every time he thought about it, he felt numb all over.
Skinny, shaved, no time.
This made Tao Huainan's conscious world dark every day. The boundless darkness almost engulfed him, and he hugged his brother, not knowing what he could do to stop it.
Tao Huainan didn't remember that he was briefly disconnected from the world that morning, so the first time he lost his voice in a conscious state, after the initial confusion, Tao Huainan sat on a chair in the classroom, and his body kept shaking. In a cold sweat.
Although there was only half a class, Tao Huainan's cold sweat soaked the back of his shirt.
His face was as white as paper, and he kept rubbing his ears.
Ordinary people lose their hearing and eyes, and the blind lose their hearing, so they really have nothing.
Tao Huainan seemed to be thrown into the dark seabed during the 20 minutes of immersion in the absolute enclosure. He sank slowly in the bone-piercing ice, and sank into another dark world.
You can't see the light in the blink of an eye, and you can't hear the sound with your ears. The time was stretched for a very long time, and the twenty minutes seemed like hours to Tao Huainan.
Fortunately, only twenty minutes.
When class was over, his classmates asked him if he was not feeling well, and Tao Huainan said, "It's fine."
At noon that day, Tao Huainan only had a few mouthfuls of rice and couldn't eat anymore. Chi Cheng didn't say anything to him, but let him say, "If you can't eat it, don't eat it."
After lunch, he and Chi Cheng went back to the classroom to lie down for a while, covered with Chi Cheng's school uniform jacket, and Chi Cheng patted him on the back through the jacket.
After the first time, there will be the second time and the third time. After the third time he lost his hearing, Tao Huainan called out to Pan Xiaozhuo in a very low voice.
Pan Xiaozhuo was flipping through the book at the time, and casually agreed, "Huh?"
Tao Huainan asked slowly: "Can you accompany me to the hospital this afternoon?"
Pan Xiaozhuo immediately asked, "What's wrong with you?"
Tao Huainan's nose was still covered with cold sweat from just now, his eyes were out of focus, and he slightly tilted his head in Pan Xiaozhuo's direction, and said softly, "Sometimes I can't hear the sound."
Pan Xiaozhuo was so frightened that he sat up straight on the chair, his eyes widened, and he stared at Tao Huainan: "What do you mean? Can't you hear? Tinnitus? Can't hear clearly??"
Tao Huainan touched his ears, his fingers were still shaking: "It's not that I can't hear clearly, it's that I can't hear... I can't hear anything."
Pan Xiaozhuo stared at Tao Huainan, but remained silent for half a minute.
Both of them are well-behaved students, and Pan Xiaozhuo is still the study committee member in the class. The two of them have never caused any trouble, and the teacher gave it as soon as they asked for leave in the afternoon.
Pan Xiaozhuo said that Tao Huainan was not feeling well, and wanted to accompany him to get an injection. The teacher happily gave them leave, asked them to go to the school hospital, and asked Pan Xiaozhuo to take good care of Tao Huainan.
The two didn't go to the school hospital and ran out secretly.
After checking all afternoon, all the checks that could be done were done. Tao Huainan did not carry any money with him, and the money was all provided by Pan Xiaozhuo. All kinds of hearing function were tested, the acoustic impedance was done, and the electrocochleogram was done, but nothing was found this afternoon. There was no organic disease, and the ears were fine.
Pan Xiaozhuo asked the doctor tremblingly, "Why, why?"
The doctor was an elderly professor who wore thick glasses. He said it might be mental, so don't worry too much, and asked the parents again.
Pan Xiaozhuo said, "I don't want to worry my family."
The doctor said "no big deal" again, and asked, "How tall is it?"
Pan Xiaozhuo said "senior year".
The professor looked at the two of them, and spoke very gently, saying that it is easy to cure, and you should tell the adults at home, don't be afraid.
The doctor still saw a lot, and told them not to worry in a hurry, but repeated several times to tell the family, and said that they could come to him with the adults next time. The two children are not stupid. They know that the doctor just didn't want to increase their psychological pressure. If there is nothing wrong, there is no need to repeatedly emphasize that adults should come.
The old professor spoke so euphemistically that he only mentioned a word at the end.
"What about hysterical deafness? It doesn't mean that you are really deaf. After all, we all function well, don't we? It's also possible that you are affected by your spirit, too much pressure, or stimulated. I also Some patients, without any stimulation, had a scary dream and suddenly lost hearing when they woke up, so it’s okay, don’t worry, it can be cured.”
Pan Xiaozhuo frowned and asked, "Then how to treat it?"
The professor looked at them again, and then slowly said: "You have to go to the psychiatry department. If there is an organic disease, you can stay here, but we don't have a real disease, so go see a psychiatrist. Many patients do not go to the psychiatrist. It’s okay, if the pressure is gone, it will recover naturally after you relax, it’s not absolute.”
One may be "hysterical deafness". No matter how you look at or hear these four words, they don't look good.
The doctor's words sounded reassuring at first, since the ears are not bad after all.
The two children went back to school before their evening break. In the car, Pan Xiaozhuo asked Tao Huainan, "Do you want to tell the family?"
Tao Huainan made a "hmm" sound, knowing that his ears were not damaged, he felt relieved, and said in a low voice, "Let's talk after the exam."
Pan Xiaozhuo was very worried, but comforted him: "It's nothing, don't be afraid."
Tao Huainan nodded and said, "I'm not afraid."
At that time, Tao Huainan was indeed not afraid, as long as his ears were not damaged.
But there are two sides to the problem. If the ear is not damaged, you still can’t hear. Once it can’t be cured, there is nothing you can do. There is no chance to wear a hearing aid. Tinnitus, low voice, inaudible, none of these transitions, just completely cut off.
From that day on, Tao Huainan began a silent struggle against the quietness, fearing the quietness, but also firmly resisting it.
He began to rely on the sound, and only when he heard the sound could he feel safe. He needs to keep his earphones on so he can spot them the first time he loses his hearing. The earphones also serve as his camouflage, providing a reason for his inability to hear.
One afternoon, when there was no class in the class, a pair of young deskmates sneaked out again.
Pan Xiaozhuo made an appointment for him in advance, and went to a mental hospital with the hospital's diagnosis and those examination results and reports. This time the doctor was very young and said that long-term treatment was needed. He didn't take it seriously either, but there they met a patient.
He got this disease three years ago and has been deaf for three years. Up to now, there is no sign of improvement, and he is completely deaf.
It was a tough time, and every minute counted.
Tao Huainan was worried about his brother, but also about himself. He has to study for the college entrance examination, and the most difficult thing is not to be discovered by his brothers when he can't hear him. Chi Cheng is not easy to deceive, his understanding of Tao Huainan is deep down.
Tao Huainan could only cover his earphones all the time, talking less and responding less when he could hear or not. Let his slowness and impatience be the norm for a while, so that it doesn't seem abrupt and weird at certain moments.
But the brothers love him, Tao Huainan's unnatural temper tantrum and his irritable tone are all indulged in him. Once Chi Cheng dropped his earphones, Tao Huainan knew that he might be angry. Tao Huainan didn't want to lie to him the last thing, every lie he told Chi Cheng, every sentence of anger and impatience he pretended was a knife cut on him.
As the number of deafness increased and the time lengthened, Tao Huainan began to become fearful.
He checks information on his mobile phone every day, checks hysterical deafness, and checks past cases. The blind mode is not so easy to use. Some software is perfect, but the webpage is not good. There are many words and links on it, and you often click the wrong one. Tao Huainan looked for content that could comfort him in the densely packed text, and found sustenance in them.
There are so many who can't be cured, and they all have the mentality that they can be cured, and they have completely stepped into the deaf population.
Darkness and silence are the breeding ground for all negative emotions.
During the time when he could not hear, Tao Huainan's biggest feeling was loneliness. It was an absolute loneliness that left no room for anything. Desperation, fear, and a strong sense of suffocation are produced in loneliness.
Every time he couldn't hear, he would cover his ears, thinking of the blind and deaf child he had seen that year. He lives like a small animal, contented in a closed world of his own. Grandma says he's stuck in babyhood forever, and that's not necessarily bad.
Tao Huainan also remembered the boy who played the saxophone very well in the school for the blind when he was a child. He got it and heard it, so he couldn't go back to the state of a baby. When I jumped from the twelfth floor, I must have been scared too.
Compared with that little saxophone boy, Tao Huainan has gained more, and he has more entanglements.
He has an older brother. Xiaodong has Brother Tang now, but Chicheng has nothing, Chicheng only has him. Tao Huainan and Chi Cheng are bound together as a whole, and Chi Cheng will never let him go.
Every time Tao Huainan would think, if he also became a blind and deaf person, would he choose to live like that blind and deaf child, relying on identifying simple objects with his hands to obtain some information, sinking into the deep sea by himself, relying on With Chi Cheng and his elder brother taking care of him every day, eating and drinking Lazard, to continue the only connection with this world.
Tao Huainan loves to hear Chi Cheng's heartbeat so much, when he could hear it, he wanted to put himself in Chi Cheng's heartbeat and shut him up more than once. Being surrounded by Chi Cheng's heartbeat makes him feel at ease, and only then can he feel at ease.
Tao Huainan has become more and more embarrassed, and he has gradually revealed more clues, but the brothers all endure him and are unwilling to mess with him before the college entrance examination.
Tao Huainan anxiously hoped that all this would end soon, and every time he regained his hearing, he hoped that this would be the last time.
When Chi Cheng kissed him, Tao Huainan always kissed him deeply. The little brother has really changed a lot, he doesn’t lose his temper so much. After getting angry, as long as Tao Huainan becomes good, he can still hug him pamperingly, little brother. softened.
Tao Huainan loves him very, very much.
On the eve of the college entrance examination, Tao Huainan's deafness had become so serious that it cycled every day. He couldn't hear when he opened his eyes in the morning, and he couldn't recover all day long.
Hope is gradually worn away, the feeling that someone can only know that someone is coming can only be known through the slight change of airflow and the friction of the cloth and quilt around him, which makes people breathless. Tao Huainan didn't know if someone was really coming or if he was an illusion caused by his sensitivity, so he could only frown and say "I don't want to talk now" every time he felt it, no matter whether it was true or not.
If someone really came, he would be stabbed, if no one came, then he would be like a mentally ill patient talking into the air.
On the afternoon of the last day of the college entrance examination, Tao Huainan passed the exam completely in silence. After pretending so many days of silence and psychological problems, he leaned on the back of the chair pretending to be too tired and fell asleep.
When he got back he locked himself in the room.
For two whole days, Tao Huainan didn't hear a single sound. Every day, he repeated the process of stabbing others and looking like a madman.
Those two days seemed like ten years.
There is no concept of time, no day and night, only endless darkness and endless loneliness.