Now is the time when the early spring is warm and cold, and the heating has been turned off. If the air conditioner is not turned on, the house will still be a bit cold after staying for a long time.
Tao Huainan's quilt covered his arms, and his exposed shoulders were a little cold.
Chi Cheng's "pain" made Tao Huainan press his face tightly against him, and being surrounded by Chi Cheng's breath like this made Tao Huainan feel a little more secure.
"Don't post it, isn't it boring?" Chi Cheng moved a little to the side, allowing Tao Huainan to breathe air, and said to him, "Like a kitten."
"Puppy." Tao Huainan said.
Chi Cheng smiled and said, "Okay, puppy."
Chi Cheng should be fierce and impatient. He spoke so softly and softly, but it made people flustered.
"From that day to now, I have never dared to think about it." Chi Cheng lowered his head, looked at Tao Huainan and said, "As long as I think about you being unable to hear or see, I feel out of breath."
"Don't even think about it..." Tao Huainan said with red eyes.
"What were you thinking at that time?" Chi Cheng asked him, "When you couldn't hear."
Tao Huainan actually doesn't want to talk about this, it's nothing to him, it's all over. The person who speaks will not be sadder than the listener, he does not want to speak.
But now facing Chi Cheng, Tao Huainan is absolutely honest, he has never been willing to hide anything from Chi Cheng.
"I can't remember," Tao Huainan said honestly. "At that time, my mind was very confused, and I was also afraid. I was muddled every day."
"Have you ever hated me?" Chi Cheng asked.
"No," Tao Huainan raised his face and asked blankly, "Why do you hate you?"
"Because I didn't realize it," Chi Cheng touched his ears, Tao Huainan's ears were thin and the earlobes were beautifully shaped, "When you were so scared, I didn't know, and I ignored you."
"It has nothing to do with you," Tao Huainan frowned, "I didn't say it myself. If I didn't say it, how would you know?"
"How could I not know?" Chi Cheng recalled Tao Huainan at that time, "It was so obvious that I didn't think of it."
Tao Huainan sat up, touched Chi Cheng's hand, and shook it lightly: "Brother, don't think so."
"Every time you call 'little brother' and then stay silent for a while, it's impossible for you not to expect me to guess it. You don't want to say it, but you also expect me to hug you, aren't you a child? "
Tao Huainan turned in his direction, opened his mouth, but was unable to make a sound.
"You're so timid, you're even afraid of becoming like that," Chi Cheng raised his hand to touch his head, stroking his hair from the top of his head to the end of his hair, as if he was comforting the pale boy at that time after many years, "Little Brother didn't guess."
Tao Huainan sniffed. It wasn't the first time that Chi Cheng called him a "child", but it was indeed the first time he called himself a "little brother".
"I was young at that time, and I didn't think of many things that I should have thought of, and I only had hatred in my heart." Chi Cheng said.
Tao Huainan reached out to cover his mouth, preventing him from continuing: "Brother...don't say that."
Chi Cheng kissed his palm and took his hand away: "I almost lost you."
Tao Huainan still shook his head and said, "No way."
"Why do you have to let me go?" Chi Cheng looked at him and asked, "Afraid that I would stop you?"
He was still calm in his speech, but Tao Huainan could hear the suppressed emotions.
"Can we stop talking about this?" Tao Huainan asked in the direction of Chi Cheng with a nasal voice, "Are you okay?"
"Say," Chi Cheng didn't agree, "I want to hear it."
It was obviously cold in the room, and Tao Huainan also felt cold, but now he was sweating thinly on his back, making him look fragile.
Tao Huainan pursed his lips, this slowness made him sad.
When he opened his mouth, he denied what Chi Cheng said last time, or only half of it: "At that time... I didn't want to die, I wanted to live well."
Chicheng didn't make a sound, Tao Huainan said again: "I will actively treat you, I love you, I love Xiaodong, you hold me so big in your palms, not to make me die."
What Tao Huainan said was the truth, but Chi Cheng was able to pick out the core of his words and asked him, "What if it's not cured?"
Tao Huainan was speechless after he asked this sentence.
Chi Cheng tilted his head a little, as if puzzled, and asked Tao Huainan, "If you can't hear me, don't you think I'm a puppy?"
Tao Huainan's heart was about to break. The nose was so sore, and Tao Huainan endured the surge of emotions, and said: "Such a puppy... can't say anything except 'I love you'. Can't speak, can't communicate, and has become a Closed animals."
"So should I be abandoned?" Chi Cheng frowned, and continued to ask with some paranoia, "If you don't talk or communicate, isn't it also my dog?"
"Yes..." Tao Huainan hugged him, pressed against his side, and said repeatedly, "It's your dog."
"You don't want to live like that, why do you have to drive me away?" Chi Cheng was still asking, "I really left like a fool, I won't hurt you if you die?"
Every sentence Chi Cheng asked was a serious question, without the slightest hint of sarcasm. He is like a child now, persistently wanting an answer.
Tao Huainan put his eyes on Chi Cheng's shoulder, and the damp heat filled the space between them. Tao Huainan said: "If one day it really can't be cured at all, I hope you will hate me at that time."
Chi Cheng hugged him, put his hands on his back, stroked from his shoulder blades to his tailbone, Tao Huainan trembled slightly.
"I don't know the reason why you hate me. You hate me as much as you love. After hating and hurting, you can live a good life. I think you have a new life, a new life, and a lover." Tao Huainan sometimes said "lover" After a pause for half a moment, he breathed a sigh of relief before continuing, "If you know that I chose to leave for such a desperate reason, you won't hate me, you will only feel sorry for me."
Tao Huainan's tears smeared on Chi Cheng's shoulders, as if he wanted to burn a hole in his skin.
"I think you hate me, and I don't want you to feel sorry for me." Tao Huainan hid in Chi Cheng's arms, talking about his cowardice at the time, "If you feel sorry for me, you can't get over it, you will feel that fate is unfair, and you will hate the world. Brother will never Will do any charity, and doing so much will not save his brother. You will not let yourself go, it will become a betrayal of me, you will be my dog for the rest of your life, and close yourself up."
When Tao Huainan said this, his face was buried on Chi Cheng's shoulder. What he said was all that he could think of in his chaotic mind during the many days that he couldn't hear him intermittently that summer.
At that time, he was just a little boy who was protected by his brothers and didn't fully grow up. He seemed to be buried in the deep sea every day, in the darkness.
Thinking about it now, this idea is still naive and childish, even a little silly.
Tao Huainan pressed against Chi Cheng tightly, his eyelashes were wet with tears, a few lashes were gathered into a small cluster, and because his eyes were against Chi Cheng's shoulders, they were a little crooked.
Chi Cheng didn't speak, he raised his face and kissed his forehead.
"Don't make things difficult for yourself, brother?" Tao Huainan took a deep breath and wiped his face with the back of his hand, "Time just can't be repeated. If I could, I wouldn't be so stupid."
Chi Cheng looked in the direction of the window, and put his hands on Tao Huainan's head.
"I always dream that you are dead." Chi Cheng said.
"I won't," Tao Huainan said, "Even if I can no longer hear, I won't die."
He put his hand on Chi Cheng's left chest, touched the scar, and said softly, "If you can't hear me anymore, I will stay in the room every day. When you come back from get off work, give me a hug, and we can have sex, I will Remember to say 'I love you' to you every day. I won't go out and be your dog for real."