After talking, Tao Huainan already planned to go back to sleep.
However, Chi Cheng's sentence was too harsh, directly nailing Tao Huainan in place.
"I said this to protect him?" Tao Huainan turned towards Chi Cheng in disbelief, "Do you really think so?"
Chi Cheng silently stared at Tao Huainan in the darkness, and Tao Huainan was breathing more and more heavily under his gaze. After being suppressed for so many days, Tao Huainan knew that Chi Cheng was angry, and he didn't dare to breathe. At this moment, Chi Cheng's words suddenly poked a small hole in his emotions, and leaked a crack.
He walked back until his leg touched Chi Cheng, and his voice was not as suppressed as before: "You and I are angry and I am going to die of pain, who else do I have the heart to protect?"
Tao Huainan pointed to his heart, lowered his head and said to Chi Cheng, "I'm blocked here every day, I can't sleep at night, and I think about it all day long..."
Tao Huainan took a deep breath, his fingertips were trembling a little, and his voice was trembling: "I'm very weak, I'm just a waste, I can't protect anyone..."
Tao Huainan paused for a moment before continuing to finish his sentence. He stubbornly lowered his head in the direction of Chi Cheng. In fact, he didn't know that his direction was not aligned at all, and he stood a little off. Blind people are like this, thinking that they are aiming at the person they want to see, but what they are actually targeting is air. Before speaking again, I took a moment to say: "If I can be like you, and I can protect others, then I only want to protect you and my brother... But I can't, you are my reliance."
His voice became more and more uncontrollable, the door of brother's room was left open, Tao Huainan didn't think about anything now. He and Chi Cheng have been in a mess these days, those suppressed and embarrassing emotions pushed Tao Huainan to the breaking point.
Chi Cheng stretched out his hand towards him, Tao Huainan's fingertips were cold, and Tao Huainan pulled his hand away.
"Okay." Chi Cheng said, and stretched out his hand again, "Stop talking."
Tao Huainan also took his hand away again, and he lifted it up and wiped it vigorously on the eyes. With that force, he could tell that his eyes were reddened: "I can't protect others in front of you... to fight against you for others , are you not sad?"
When Chi Cheng pulled him again, he used some strength, Tao Huainan couldn't break free.
I don't know which word hit Chi Cheng, Chi Cheng squeezed Tao Huainan's hand and stared at him: "You still know how to be sad?"
"Why don't I know?" Tao Huainan's chest rose and fell violently when he was panting, and he pushed Chi Cheng forward with his other hand, "It's not that I don't care, why don't I know?"
Going on, I really have to wake up, but Tao Huainan doesn't care about anything now, his whole body is a little trembling: "You think I want to? I don't want to grow up at all, and now I'm afraid to continue to grow up, It's as good as when I was a child."
"When you grow up, you can't just let yourself go." Tao Huainan rubbed his eyes heavily again, venting his anger on himself, "Do you really think I want to?"
Tao Huainan didn't quarrel like this very often, the two of them usually lost their temper, and he didn't dare to say anything. Today's Tao Huainan took a small thorn, feeling a little out of control.
"I want to close my eyes like when I was a child and just hold you, but when I grow up, I can't even..."
"What's the matter?" Brother's voice came from his room, and finally woke him up.
Tao Xiaodong came out wearing slippers: "Why are you two arguing?"
Tao Huainan twisted his neck and said nothing, Chi Cheng said "it's okay".
"The two of you have been acting awkward recently," Tao Xiaodong turned on the light, "you're still fighting in the middle of the night?"
Chi Cheng's eyes were squinted by the light, Tao Huainan was not sensitive to the faint light, so he didn't even blink his eyes. Under the light, he could be seen clearly. There were big teardrops on his face that had not been wiped away, and they had already slid down to his cheeks. The surroundings of his eyes were red, half from agitation, and half from rubbing them with his hands just now. , under the cold light, her already fair skin looked a little embarrassed and pitiful at the moment.
"What kind of temper are you playing?" Tao Xiaodong rubbed his head, and wiped off the big drops of water on his face, "Don't let you sleep here in the middle of the night to anger your little brother?"
Chi Cheng was still holding his wrist, Tao Huainan pursed his lips and remained silent.
Tao Xiaodong wanted to separate the two, so he teased Tao Huainan: "I have something to say tomorrow."
Tao Huainan remained silent with his chin tensed, obviously angry. He didn't try to grab Chi Cheng's hand, and he didn't go with his brother.
"It's okay, brother." Chi Cheng let go of Tao Huainan's wrist and switched to holding his hand. Tao Huainan quietly returned his grip in silence. Chi Cheng's thumb scratched the back of his hand and said to Tao Xiaodong, "Go back to sleep." Bar."
"I don't usually see the two of you quarreling, what's the matter?" Tao Xiaodong saw the two of them holding hands from the corner of his eye, and didn't bother to look at them. He just said, "Otherwise, come and sleep with me, don't go back and fight again." It’s not over, I won’t go to school tomorrow.”
Tao Huainan could only go if he wanted to go, Tao Huainan shook his head and said, "No."
Tao Huainan had a leaky small balloon, and he asked his brother to come out and plug it up. Brother stood in front of me for a few minutes, and all emotions passed.
Tao Huainan was led back to the room by Chi Cheng, he kept his mouth shut and said nothing.
The corners of the eyes were a little red under the lamp just now, and the sleeves of the pajamas rubbed the corners of the eyes badly, and now it hurts a bit. Tao Huainan raised his hand to touch it, but Chi Cheng stopped him and told him not to touch it.
He just lost control and got angry, now Tao Huainan was a little awkward when facing Chi Cheng. I can't tell whether it's because I'm angry for no reason because of the emotional overwhelm just now, or because I'm embarrassed after being excited.
Chi Cheng closed the door, Tao Huainan sat by the bed, Chi Cheng stood and asked him, his voice was not as cold as before: "What do you do when you grow up?"
Tao Huainan didn't quite understand, subconsciously raised his head and opened his mouth.
After reacting, he closed his mouth again, and lowered his head, revealing a fragile arc of his neck.
Chi Cheng has been standing in front of him waiting for him to say, Tao Huainan took a long time before whispering: "I don't even dare to say that you are my... puppy."
Chi Cheng was silent for a long time, and Tao Huainan didn't make a sound after saying this sentence, time flowed slowly, and everything in the room was silent.
Later Chi Cheng squatted down and put his hand on the back of Tao Huainan's hand leaning on the edge of the bed.
"I said I don't need you to grow up," Chi Cheng said with one knee on the ground, squatting in front of Tao Huainan to see him, "You don't need to think so much."
Tao Huainan moved his fingers, then shook his head slightly.
"I don't like it when you push me away, because this and that are not acceptable." When Chi Cheng said this, there was a firm voice in his voice that could not be refused, "No."
He was even a little fierce when he said "no", but Tao Huainan didn't feel scared.
"Have you noticed, Tao Huainan." Chi Cheng touched his face, and gently scraped his face, "You know more and more how to make me hurt."
Tao Huainan shuddered suddenly, his scalp was numb from these words.
"You said you were most afraid of me being angry, but in fact you are not afraid at all." Chi Cheng actually sounded gentle when he spoke in a low voice, and he is indeed gentle now. He speaks calmly without any temper, but every sentence It made Tao Huainan's heart tremble.
"You know how to cure me more and more. You deliberately threw yourself out of the wound, deliberately told me that you grew up, and you stabbed me harder and harder. This can make me angry, but you also know It's okay if I'm angry."
Chi Cheng put down his hand and covered the back of his hand again, with a calm and gentle voice: "You have learned a lot when you grow up, and you will understand more in the future, and then do what you think is right. You know how to deal with me , how to use the knife is the most accurate."
Tao Huainan's tears fell on his knees, burning him like fire.
Chi Cheng's words were a spark, burning his heart into fire holes.
Chi Cheng's "pain" made Tao Huainan panic, he went to touch Chi Cheng's face, his eyes and mouth. He wanted to say "I'm sorry" and "Don't hurt".
"Don't grow up anymore," Chi Cheng kissed Tao Huainan's palm, and called him softly, "Children."
When Tao Huainan quarreled with Chi Cheng in the living room just now, he shed a few big tears, which were caused by his emotions. But now he couldn't stop it, his heart felt as if someone had pinched it and it hurt continuously.
"Don't hurt," Tao Huainan rubbed his eyes on Chi Cheng's shoulder, "Don't hurt... It's my fault, it's all my fault."
Chi Cheng clasped the back of his head with his backhand, and gently grabbed his hair. Tao Huainan went down and kissed Chi Cheng's neck, carefully and sincerely: "I'm very sad when you say this... I'm sorry, little brother."
Chi Cheng's pulse passed through the thin skin and touched Tao Huainan's lips, the regular beating can bring the same sense of security as listening to the heartbeat. Tao Huainan reluctantly kissed there, tremblingly said: "I can't do it anymore."
That night Tao Huainan nestled in Chi Cheng's arms, holding him tightly.
He buried his face in Chi Cheng's body, turning himself into the same body temperature and smell as Chi Cheng.
Chi Cheng occasionally patted him on the back, and after Tao Huainan cried, he leaned on Chi Cheng and gasped from time to time.
At this age, I still look like a child after crying. Every time I cry, I have to gasp for a long time, and after crying for a long time, I still have to gasp slowly.
"Still crying?" Chi Cheng leaned back to look at his face.
Even though there was moonlight in the room with the lights off, the tears were still invisible. Chi Cheng reached out to touch them. Tao Huainan grabbed his hand and pressed it to his heart, saying in a hoarse voice, "I'm not crying anymore."
"Why not cry?" Chi Cheng said.
"Can't you smoke for a while after crying?" Tao Huainan sniffed, "I'm not pretending to cry."
"Don't pretend, it's annoying enough to cry," Chi Cheng curled up his fingers and tapped next to the end of his eyes, "Does it hurt?"
"A little bit." Tao Huainan put his face back on Chi Cheng's body again, his wild and unconstrained mind somehow went somewhere else, and said with his face there, "I really didn't protect Ji Nan."
Chi Cheng said "um", and seemed a little impatient again, and said, "Got it."
After tossing and tossing, it was already late at night, and there was basically no sleep for this night.
Tao Huainan was so full of emotions that he couldn't sleep at all, he kept thinking about what Chi Cheng said just now, those words were turning around in his mind, Tao Huainan could never forget them.
Chi Cheng didn't sleep either, but they didn't talk anymore either.
They held each other like countless nights, listening to each other's heartbeat. Until the moon gradually becomes lighter, until the sky gradually turns white.
Tao Huainan couldn't feel the slow light changes, but when there was light in front of his eyes, he felt Chi Cheng kiss his slightly stinging eyes.
Chi Cheng bit Tao Huainan's swollen eyelids with his lips, and said to him, "My eyes are swollen from crying."
The temperature of the lips on the eyelids was a little hot, Tao Huainan snorted twice in comfort, and lightly scratched Chi Cheng's pajamas with his hands.