promise to you
Pei Shangxuan is about to move, and Li Li took the English oral test at Shanghai International Studies University in the morning, and after the test, there was no time to exchange thoughts with other students, so she hurried to Pei's house to help. She went upstairs, and the packed cardboard boxes were randomly placed in the aisle of Pei's house, and the floor was covered with dust.
Pei Shangxuan sat in a mess, with several half-full cardboard boxes beside him.
Li Li stood at the door of the room for a while, Pei Shangxuan glanced up at her lazily, and casually threw a book into the nearest cardboard box.
"I never heard you mention moving." She walked into the room, spread out a newspaper on the dusty floor, and sat down cross-legged. Pei Shangxuan raised his eyebrows, and smiled sideways at Li Li, teasing her that she is a lady and should find a stool to sit on.
Li Li glared at him angrily, and flicked his finger on his forehead, "Pei Shangxuan, it's not your turn to teach me a lesson." Saying that, she spontaneously picked up the books on the floor, dusted them off and put them in a cardboard box.
The books are still those from the junior high school three years ago, including the reference books requested by the teachers of various subjects before the graduation exam. Pei Shangxuan is not a hard-working student, several books are 90% new. Li Li smiled lightly, but couldn't hide her sadness. They can't go back to those years, things are different.
Perhaps Pei Shangxuan felt the same way, with his head lowered, his voice was lonely, "Li Li, was I wrong? That incident was not what everyone thought." She couldn't see his expression, but she guessed the general situation from Pei Shangxuan's words. . Public opinion is a knife that doesn't see blood, not to mention being in such an environment of rumors, the pressure he endured is beyond her imagination.
"Do you regret it later?" She wrote to him and asked him, but Pei Shangxuan didn't reply. Out of selfishness, Li Li insisted on knowing the answer.
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Pei Shangxuan's head was still hanging down, and it took a long time before the voice came out - "I like her, I really liked her."
Li Li raised her hand and beat his chest, and said in a dry voice, "Idiot, there's no need to run away." After all, this man didn't give her any illusions. She couldn't help but think of what happened to her, and her body trembled slightly. He didn't notice, and continued sullenly: "I don't care, it's because my mother can't stand the three aunts and six wives, and said that if I continue to live here, my future will be ruined." With a mocking smile, his eyes are indifferent, "What future do I have?" He was disheartened , looking tired.
Li Li's nose is a bit sore, she has just turned eighteen, and the education she received on weekdays is "everything is inferior, only reading is high". She felt that this statement was wrong, but she couldn't think of any other way out for the time being, and she couldn't comfort him.
"When my college entrance examination is over, I'll help you with homework, and you go to take the adult college entrance examination." Clearing her throat, she looked serious, trying to find a way out for him, her cheek muscles tensed.
Pei Shangxuan looked at Li Li, couldn't help but patted her face, "Li Li, why are you like my mother?"
She spat, stretched out her leg and kicked him, "Idiot, how can I be so old?"
He didn't hide, and took her kick abruptly, but fortunately she didn't use any force. His body leaned towards her, the masculine breath invaded Li Li's senses, she unconsciously tensed all the muscles. A nightmare experienced in the early morning stimulated Li Li again, even if the man she faced was the one she always liked, Li Li's fragile stomach still rolled.
Li Li smiled reluctantly, her throat twitched nervously, she suppressed the feeling of nausea, not daring to let Pei Shangxuan see the flaw. He reached out to hug her, and Li Li plunged into his generous and warm chest, secretly heaving a sigh of relief.
"Li Li, thank you for always being my friend." He said sincerely. Eighteen-year-old Pei Shangxuan can't see the future, and after many years, she is still the only one by his side, no matter whether his life is at its peak or at its lowest point.
"I made a wish on my fourteenth birthday," Li Li continued softly, "We will be good friends for the rest of our lives."
The young man was overwhelmed with emotion, what Pei Shangxuan didn't understand was what she didn't express. Years flowed like water, and one day when he suddenly looked back, he thought that there is actually no pure friendship between a man and a woman, just like Li Li and him.
Perseverance is the reflection of each other in reality. She waited for him in the dimly lit place for a long, long time, until the east faded away and couldn't wait any longer.
Li Li was admitted to Shanghai International Studies University. In ancient times, it is like a student who has studied hard for ten years in the cold window and jumped over the Longmen to become famous all over the world. It is a matter of glory. But since Liu Qianren was admitted to Jiaotong University, he had a different opinion than him. Li Meiqing secretly blamed her daughter for taking revenge, and she couldn't lose to Liu Qianren no matter what.
Li Li was noncommittal, anyway, she had never done anything that satisfied Li Meiqing in her eighteen years of life. Pei Shangxuan gave her the affirmation she could not get from her mother.
Holding her admission letter, he gave an exaggerated "wow" first, then pinched her cheeks and pulled them to both sides. He was used to putting her hands in his pockets to warm them, to ruffle her hair, and to pull her round cheeks. After thinking about it many years later, these intimate and natural habits should happen between lovers.
But he didn't understand, and she didn't pursue it, so the years were wasted.
"It hurts to death, idiot!" Li Li slapped his hand, telling him to let go of himself quickly, "What's your reaction?"
Pei Shangxuan let go, hooked Li Li's neck, and messed up her short hair.
"Girl, I'm happy for you. You are amazing and will always be the best." The boy's eyes were as bright as stars, shining with sincerity.
What a fool, as if she had an acceptance letter from Harvard or Oxford. Li Li couldn't help laughing, and finally found some complacency.
On the day of registration, Pei Shangxuan was waiting for Li Li at the gate of Shangwai School. He made an appointment with her that if no one at home sent her to report for duty, he would help her carry her luggage and daily necessities. He was leaning against the wall, with a cigarette between his fingers, and a faint smile on the corner of his mouth, looking at the girls entering and leaving the school.
Pei Shangxuan, who was eighteen and a half years old, already had a dangerous and charming temperament, which could make girls fall in love with him. The lazy posture and nonchalant expression are displayed by the handsome guy, and the shock index soars upwards. He only showed all his weak and incompetent sides in front of one girl, and was called a "stupid" by her for many years.
He saw Li Li get off the bus, followed by Liu Zhixian, Li Meiqing, and a tall and handsome man. Li Li looked at him, and waved at him.
Pei Shangxuan understood what she meant: Someone gave it to me, so I don't need your help.
He waved his hand and turned in the other direction. He didn't like Li Meiqing and always thought she was an irresponsible mother. There was also the man standing beside Li Li, whose face seemed familiar, which bothered him for no reason.
Li Meiqing saw Pei Shangxuan and turned to look at her daughter, "That boy, is his surname Pei?" She had seen this boy several years ago, leading a group of children running around in the alley to play war.
"En." Li Li responded briefly, not wanting to talk further. Liu Qianren, who saw everything in his eyes, did not say a word, carried the rolled mat on his shoulders, and followed his father across the road. If it weren't for the entanglement between her and Liu Qianren, she would find this scene quite funny.
Li Li couldn't figure out why Liu Qianren came to see her off for duty. Since that incident happened more than a year ago, they hardly had any contact with each other. It was rare for him to go home for dinner, and they were still silent relative to each other.
She found his secret in the reference book left by Liu Qianren, and she occasionally thought of those carefully carved Aquarius golden holy clothes, and she sighed for a long time—he used the wrong expression, and all she was left with was fear and loathing. Wrong homework can be corrected, but time cannot be turned back. There is no chance to correct mistakes in life.
meeting.
The family of four took a photo in front of the school gate. Liu Qianren also took a photo when he was admitted to Jiaotong University last time. Liu Zhixian enlarged it and hung it on the living room wall. At that time, she was arranged to stand beside Liu Qianren, and the beautiful boy had no expression on his face.
Li Li was still standing next to Liu Qianren, and when the passer-by who was helping to take pictures called "eggplant", she reluctantly grinned.
Li Meiqing stepped forward to get the camera back, Liu Zhixian went to get the luggage and walked away, Liu Qianren looked down into Li Li's eyes, and said quickly: "I plan to study in the United States after graduation, you don't have to be afraid anymore."
Before she recovered, he had already walked towards Liu Zhixian and took two thermos bottles.
Liu Qianren is leaving too. Li Li looked at his back with mixed feelings.
On December 5, 1995, after class, Li Li and Cao Xuemei, who was in the lower bunk, walked back to the No. 4 dormitory. It was very cold, and they ran around the campus, trying to drive away the chill. There was a boy riding a bicycle with his girlfriend in the back seat and weaving through the crowd. Some of them couldn't dodge and collided with each other. It was lively and noisy.
Cao Xuemei was out of breath, and told Li Li to stop and wait for her. She turned around and ran backwards, making fun of her roommate's poor stamina, and accidentally bumped into someone behind her.
"Ah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Li Li quickly turned around and apologized.
The one who was bumped was a boy with a conspicuous mole on his face. He smiled at Li Li, "It's okay. I was just thinking that this birthday was too ordinary, and nothing happened. Sure enough, born in sorrow and died in Anle."
Li Li was startled at first, then covered her mouth and giggled fiercely. I didn't expect to meet someone with the same birthday as me, which is quite interesting. Before leaving, she said to him: "Happy birthday!"
It was Li Li's birthday today, and her roommate yelled for her to treat her to dinner. But because everyone lives on a meager monthly living allowance, it's just a joke. Li Li is quite frugal. Two members of her family are studying in college, so the burden is quite heavy. She signed up for a work-study program organized by the school, but first graders had little hope of getting a tutoring job.
"Li Li." Someone called her, and the boy who was waiting for her outside the dormitory was wearing a black overcoat, looking very heroic. It's Pei Shangxuan!
Li Li ran over, raised her hand and gave him a punch, "Why are you here?" Last month he invited her out for dinner for her birthday, which caused her to be interrogated by her roommate for a long time. Knowing that they are limited to buddy relationships, half of the six proposed to let Li Li be a matchmaker. She met and chatted with him on the day off, and questioned that his fundamental purpose of coming to SISU was to pick up girls.
Pei Shangxuan yelled that he was wronged, and told Li Li that he and a girl in the cram school were in the stage of flirting and flirting, waiting for further development. When he said these words, he used a casual tone, as if the light boat had passed ten thousand mountains, and the initial throbbing completely disappeared. She listened to these words and looked at him, unable to express the pain in her heart.
"Stupid in reading?" He patted her on the head, "Today is your birthday."
Li Li was slightly taken aback, but then became happy. Happiness overflowed his heart, so he still remembered! "Bingo" cheered, she automatically inserted her arm into his, and deliberately warned viciously—"The food in the cafeteria is not oily at all, you are ready to be 'three light' by me."
"Which 'Sanguang'?" Pei Shangxuan tucked her hands into the coat pockets as in the past, and frowned at the same time, "Your hands are as cold as ice." His big hands wrapped her, and there was warmth in the palms .
"I lost my gloves in the classroom, and I can't find them." Li Li stuck out her tongue, "'Sanguang' means eating, drinking, and spending."
When they walked outside the school, Dalian Road was full of traffic, and the traffic jam caused vehicles to line up in a long snake formation. Pei Shangxuan pulled Li Li through the traffic and walked towards Hongkou Stadium.
On November 5th, Shanghai Shenhua defeated Shandong Taishan 3:1 at Hongkou Stadium and won the League A championship two rounds ahead of schedule. She walked back to school that day outside the stadium, lost in the wildly celebrating fans. Li Li stood and watched for a while, the loud horns and whistles agitated her eardrums, she hoped that one day she would be so crazy about Argentina. On that day, she might have the courage to tell Pei Shangxuan that she likes him.
But Li Li is a rational person after all, always calculating the opportunity cost. If you gain some, you must lose others, or even lose everything. So, she chooses what she already has.
"Lend me ten yuan." Pei Shangxuan looked at her with a smile, "I didn't bring any money."
"My goddy God!" Li Li screamed, "Then you still come to see me for dinner?" She pulled out her hand and turned back, "Forget it, I'll go to eat the unoily dishes in the cafeteria."
There was no movement behind him, Li Li looked back suspiciously, and saw his lonely standing figure. He stood on the side of the road, passing passers-by returning home from get off work, as if he was standing alone in a place as far away as the end of the world. She couldn't help herself, he and she were like helpless little beasts, needing each other's warmth.
She understood that this was just her own wishful thinking, and she was helplessly indulged in this little illusion, unable to extricate herself.
Li Li walked back to Pei Shangxuan and stopped. He licked his lips, and the corners of his mouth curled up showing a bitter taste.
"Li Li, I failed the cram school exam."
Li Li remained silent, took off the schoolbag he was carrying, took out ten yuan from the inside pocket and handed it to him.
"Use it, don't give it back to me." She didn't ask him why he was lost, and no matter whether the reason for his failure was multitasking, Li Li was always the first to rush to him when he needed help without asking why.
He grabbed her hand and said, "Now that I have money, I can treat you to dinner." Pei Shangxuan smiled all over his face, his white teeth shining behind his red lips.
They went to eat at roadside stalls, fried rice cakes for two yuan, and a bowl of chicken and duck blood soup. The cold wind was bitter, Li Li held the soup bowl with both hands, feeling warm all over her body.
Pei Shangxuan sat beside her. Dim oil lamps hung above the food stalls, and the heat from them made the light even more hazy. The loud cracking noise of vegetables being poured into the oil pan was heard in the ears, which was earth-shattering.
"Happy birthday, Li Li." He said to her. Just passing by the street stall in front of Hongkou Stadium, he bought a pair of woolen gloves from a small vendor and stuffed them into her schoolbag.
He stroked her hair and said earnestly, "Learn to take care of yourself. I can't be by your side all winter."
"The gloves were accidentally dropped." She defended, feeling sad for what he said.
Pei Shangxuan looked at Li Li, and suddenly grinned uncontrollably, "Girl, hurry up and find a boyfriend, so that it can be used as a free heater." Xu felt that his proposal was constructive, and he was elated.
Li Li was nineteen years old, sitting next to the tall and handsome Pei Shangxuan, she felt inferior. She secretly made a birthday wish: If we are destined not to love each other, please let me walk beside him forever.
After all, she knew that he, like most men, liked beautiful and slender women. Half of the reason why he didn't love her was because he denied her appearance first. If he hadn't liked Han Yichen, and if Liu Qianren hadn't been there, Pei Shangxuan wouldn't have fallen in love with him either, so he could suggest her to look for love nonchalantly, so he wouldn't be jealous of her.
She never forgot the boy's disdainful eyes in the optical shop, he said: "I don't like ugly people."
During the Spring Festival of 1996, Li Li's grandmother passed away. The old man passed away silently in his sleep on the third day of the Lunar New Year, and passed away very peacefully.
Li Li was heartbroken. She lived with her grandmother since she was a child, and was almost brought up by the old man. Sometimes Li Li felt that her grandmother was closer to her than her mother. Although grandma doesn't know much Chinese
One, she became very deaf later on, couldn't hear what she said, and often answered irrelevant questions, but Li Li still liked to talk to grandma, especially when she complained about Li Meiqing.
Pei Shangxuan's name often appeared in Li Li's mouth. When grandma could still hear her, she touched her granddaughter's face with her old hands and said that the child would definitely understand how good you are to him.
Li Li happily asked: "How many years do I have to wait?"
Grandma smiled, and the age spots on her face exuded kindness, "You and your mother are actually very similar. They are both people who will not die until the Yellow River. Back then, your mother was going to marry your father, and she had the same temper as you."
This is the first time Li Li heard about her parents. In the past, no matter how she insinuated, all the adults in the family kept silent. She only knew that her father's surname was Liu, and her original name was Liu Li.
"Your mother is two years older than your father. Neither your grandfather nor I agree. Your mother must marry." The old man basked in the sun and told the past.
"Then, why did they separate?" Li Li subconsciously didn't want to use the word "divorce" to describe her parents. For her father, whom she has never met and who doesn't even keep a picture, she has a natural kindness in blood.
Grandma turned her head to look at Li Li, and sighed, "There are men without conscience everywhere."
She was speechless for a moment, basking in the sun in silence. Men without conscience, one of them is his father. Li Li doesn't want to blame anyone, every marriage has its own reasons for ending. She was very touched when she learned the idiom "Xiangxiangyimo" in junior high school. After I read Zhuangzi's original text after entering university, I suddenly realized that these four words have nothing to do with the deep love between husband and wife.
"It's better to forget each other in the rivers and lakes than to be in love with each other." The person who took the meaning out of context left a beautiful fantasy for future generations, and concealed the cruel truth for life. It is a last resort to help each other. If you can swim leisurely in rivers, lakes and seas, who is willing to be trapped in shallow puddles.
Or parallel is the best way for men and women to get along, infinitely close but never overlap, and always leave a beautiful fantasy for each other.
Li Meiqing and Li Guoqiang started to take care of their mother's affairs, and Liu Zhixian, the son-in-law, also came to help. In the first few days of being the first seven, he came almost every day.
"Uncle, thank you." One night Li Meiqing stayed on vigil, and on the way home with Liu Zhixian and Li Li, she expressed her thanks to him.
Liu Zhixian froze for a moment, then smiled uncomfortably, "Xiao Li, saying 'thank you' is too extravagant."
Li Li also felt that her words were inappropriate, like talking to a stranger. She knew it was Liu Qianren's fault, she still couldn't forget that shadow, and it even affected the people around her.
"Xiao Li, did something happen? It's been almost a year, and your attitude towards uncle has become much more distant." Liu Zhixian faintly felt that something was wrong, but he couldn't tell why. Hearing Li Li's polite thanks today, Liu Zhixian couldn't help but search for the bottom line.
She can't tell anyone this secret. Li Li shook her head vigorously and changed the subject, "I haven't seen my father, she must be very happy to have my uncle see her off when grandma left." Tears fell down on the back of her hands, feeling a bit chilly from the cold wind.
Liu Zhixian never dreamed that the secret hidden by Li Li was related to Liu Qianren. All he can think of is that Li Li is experiencing the pain of losing a loved one, and this pain may also reflect the pain of losing her father's love since she was a child.
At the memorial service, Pei Shangxuan stood behind Li's relatives and listened to Li Guoqiang's speech to the guests. He looked across the crowd in front of him, searching for Li Li's figure.
Li Li lowered her head and cried too much for the past few days. Her eyes were so red and swollen that she couldn't even wear contact lenses. She couldn't cry now. She also didn't want to cry in front of so many people. Sadness is a private matter, and there is no need to cry in public like acting.
The mourning sounded, and the guests came forward to bid farewell to the dead. Li Li looked at grandma lying in the coffin. The make-up artist in the funeral home was very skilled. The old man's face was rosy and soft, as if he was just sleeping. Li Meiqing wailed and threw herself on the glass cover like crazy, only with Liu Zhixian, Li Guoqiang, and Yan Liming's strength could she be pulled down.
Li Li stood aside numbly watching his mother crying, and suddenly shivered. She wondered if one day the person lying in it was Li Meiqing, would she cry
Pei Shangxuan looked at the expressionless Li Li, feeling extremely far away.
Grandma was pushed to be cremated, and the family made arrangements for the guests to take the car to the restaurant to eat tofu soup and rice. The voices of greeting relatives and friends were in stark contrast to the strong sad atmosphere just now. Li Li retreated to the corner, feeling empty in her heart, and suddenly had a sense of irony that the farce was over.
Pei Shangxuan walked up to her and opened his mouth to say "My condolences by the way", but was frightened by Li Li's deathly eyes. "Girl, don't scare me." Pressing her shoulder, he looked at her pale face worriedly.
Lips moved, Li Li spit out a few words lightly. He leaned over to listen, and murmured inaudibly, "Take me away."
"Okay." Without even thinking about it, Pei Shangxuan agreed without hesitation.
A slightly feminine and handsome man watched them from a distance, the corners of his mouth raised contemptuously.
Pei Shangxuan took Li Li out of the funeral home, throwing a dime behind him. She raised her head slightly and said nothing, with doubts in her eyes.
"My mother said to do this, and I don't know." He scratched his hair, took her hand and ran quickly, running to the intersection of Xibaoxing Road in one breath.
"Where do you want to go?" Taking advantage of the red light, Pei Shangxuan asked Li Li's destination. She shook her head blankly, her round face turned slightly red after the violent running just now, much better than the frightening paleness before.
He breathed a sigh of relief, took her hand and crossed the road. I can't remember when it started, Pei Shangxuan liked to hold Li Li's fleshy and soft hand, they both ignored a question in unison: Is this too intimate
Take a car to the Waibaidu Bridge, and there are very few tourists in the free and open Huangpu Park. Sitting side by side on the flood control wall, you can look at the Oriental Pearl TV Tower on the other side of the river and the Jinmao Tower under construction, and the river wind blows the corners of your clothes.
The sky was covered with clouds, gloomy just like her mood. She forgot to wear gloves again, and her hands and face were frozen by the cold wind.
Li Li leaned on Pei Shangxuan's shoulder, this was an indulgence, enjoying the tenderness and self-willedness that could belong to her temporarily. She whispered, "Pei Shangxuan, you will outlive me in the future."
"Huh?" He was puzzled.
She shook her legs and shouted loudly towards the river: "Ah!" The high-pitched voice pierced Pei Shangxuan's eardrums. Physical examination in physical education class, Li Li's vital capacity is good. She yelled for a minute, until she was out of breath.
Pei Shangxuan looked at Li Li's profile, the round and soft lines were tense, obviously her emotions were still suppressed. He raised his hand, gently rubbed her short hair, and comforted her cautiously, "If you are sad, cry, I will lend you my shoulder."
"I can't cry, Pei Shangxuan." Li Li turned his head sideways, his eyes stayed on his face, his red and swollen eyes were aching due to dryness. She didn't wear glasses, and she had to get very close to see people's facial features clearly, but he was different. This handsome face is imprinted in my mind, and I can clearly recognize it even when I close my eyes. I may never forget it in my life. "I don't want to see death again, never again."
He took out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it with a lighter.
"Okay." He agreed to her.
Li Li stopped talking, and leaned on his shoulder to watch the silver-gray Jiangou flying in the water. She can no longer bear the loss of the person she loves, and for Pei Shangxuan, losing a friend will not be sad for a long time.