This is not the first time Yan Suizhi has approached.
Before, he had clearly taken the initiative to do more intimate actions, and every time he scratched his heart, but not once was this-
He didn't say anything, but he felt a little sad.
Gu Yan was stunned for a moment, and said in a low voice, "I didn't want you to see those."
"It's nothing." Yan Suizhi's voice was on his shoulders, a little dull, but still had a slight smile: "It's okay, it's just a case, it's not a big deal. I just saw you look good, and suddenly thought Be a hooligan."
Gu Yan tightened his arms. His embrace was not at all different from his usual personality, the warm body temperature wrapped people in for no reason, and the breath invaded his nostrils little by little.
Yan Suizhi's fingers that had been rinsed in the water for a long time became warm again. From the fingertips to the palms, they filled the heart along the blood vessels, like a tide that filled the chest cavity.
The last time I had this feeling was in that attic. Gu Yan told him in a low voice that he would always dream that he was still alive after the bombing.
The last time, it was Gu Yan leaning against the door, looking up at him on the stairs, and said good night in a deep voice.
Further forward, in the kitchen on the first floor of the villa, Gu Yan looked down at him, tilted his head and kissed the corner of his mouth.
Then there was a long gap, how many years it was, he couldn't even remember...
This feeling of fullness and soreness in the chest always creates an urge to say something.
Yan Sui's chin rested on Gu Yan's shoulder, her eyes were hidden in the shadow of her eyelashes and fell on a certain point in the void. After being quiet for a while, he suddenly said in a low voice, "Gu Yan..."
"Um?"
"Why did you choose me to be the direct teacher?"
"Because of your lecture I heard before." Gu Yan paused for a while, then said again: "And... I saw you at Helan Star a long time ago."
"How early?" Yan Suizhi's tone was slightly surprised.
"When I was eight or nine years old, I was in an orphanage." Gu Yan said.
His grandfather, the judge, would take him to the orphanage on weekends. Most of the children there were like him, their parents were soldiers who died in a battle. The difference is that he has a maternal grandfather, they don't.
He didn't know what his grandfather's original intention was to take him to the orphanage regularly. Maybe he hoped that he would never forget the suffering, maybe he hoped that he would be infected and become a kind person. My grandfather was not a man of words and heart-to-heart, and he never spoke to him.
However, the character he formed later was indeed inseparable from this experience.
The time he met Yan Suizhi was a winter afternoon when the sun was surprisingly good, casting a large bright light on the lawn of the orphanage. This is more comfortable than any artificial temperature control, so many children play on the lawn, swings and play equipment, basking in the sun.
The grandfather went to the person in charge with the donated materials and left him on the lawn.
"Why didn't I take you with me?" Yan Suizhi asked.
Gu Yan said in a low voice, "Who knows, maybe when he comes back, he can see me playing with other people and rolling into a ball."
Yan Suizhi laughed, still a little lazy, "Then did you do what he wanted?"
"No, I found a corner bench and waited for him."
The bench faces the lively lawn, and when you turn your head, you can see the office building where the dean is located. It will not be too boring, and the grandfather who can see it in time is the best thing Gu Yan could find when he was a child. best location.
He stayed on the bench for a while when he saw a figure come out of the office building.
He turned to look, only to find that it was not his grandfather, but a young man.
Very young, probably just turned twenty.
The other party dresses very well, and looks slender and tall. When he came down from the steps, the hem of his coat was slightly lifted by the breeze.
After the man came out of the building, he did not leave immediately, but stood by the lawn for a while, watching the playful children.
The sun fell on his face, and his skin was very white, and his eyes were like a layer of clear glass, and the light was reversed.
He was gentle, but not very happy.
This was the conclusion Gu Yan came to when he looked at him at that time.
After a while, the young man noticed Gu Yan who was sitting alone. He walked over unhurriedly, bent down slightly and asked him, "Why are you making trouble with others when you stay alone?"
He thought that Gu Yan was also a member of the orphanage, and for some reason he couldn't participate in the jokes of the crowd.
"I'm waiting for someone." Gu Yan replied at that time.
"Wait for who?"
"Grandfather."
The young man nodded, only to realize that he had made a mistake.
During the conversation, the aunt who was looking after the children on the lawn noticed the young man and came over to greet him.
"Then wait, I'm leaving." The young man waved at Gu Yan lazily and walked away to talk to his aunt.
When talking to others, young people will smile and appear more gentle.
"I've heard a few words sporadically, and I know you're here to donate money, and it's not the first time you've been there." Gu Yan paused for a moment, then said, "But I've only met you once."
Yan Suizhi didn't speak for a while after listening to it, and after a long while he gave a soft "ah" and said, "I have an impression. But it's normal that I haven't seen me again. I rarely go on weekends, because there are always a lot of encounters on weekends. People. That time, it was only because of the temporary changes in the diving club's arrangements that I went to Helan Star on the weekend."
Hearing the diving club, Gu Yan remembered what he once said, "Dive often at that time?"
Yan Suizhi made an "um". For some reason, when he mentioned this topic, he became quieter again. Gu Yanneng was keenly aware that his emotions had fallen again, and after a while, he whispered in a recollection: "It wasn't that time, I started diving very early, I was about 15 years old, I was very addicted and felt that The sport is amazing."
"15 years old?" Gu Yan asked.
Intuition told him that Yan Suizhi was trying little by little to give him the things in his heart.
"Well. My parents just passed away at that time..." Yan Suizhi's voice was very light, as if he was talking about ordinary things, or maybe after too many years, he had no such deep feelings, "I'm with you. Did you say that? My mother had a genetic problem that the Helan Star generation often had, and she also passed it on to me. But I'm not as serious as her. She was in a bad state that year... You may know, got that The life expectancy of the disease was almost at that time. The hospital issued many notices, asking my father to choose between genetic surgery and taking care of her. The result is obvious, my father made the gene source. "
At that time, genetic surgery, especially this kind of surgery, required a healthy gene source. In order to avoid more accidents, most people will choose people who are close to them.
"It's actually me who ended up on the operating table." Yan Suizhi said, "That kind of surgery is very risky, including those who provide the gene source."
He looked out the window and blinked slightly, and said, "I got lucky, they didn't."
People are always reluctant to believe what they don't want to accept, and they always wonder if there is something behind it. Although 15-year-old Yan Suizhi is well protected, there are still some conspiracy theories.
"My parents didn't close their eyes on the operating table... it took a few days." Yan Suizhi said, "I suspected that there was something wrong with the operation, that the doctor was malicious, that the nurse was careless, and that everyone involved in the operation was suspicious. But my parents rejected that idea. In the last few days, they kept emphasizing that the risk of surgery was unavoidable, and they didn’t want me to go to the top of my head.”
That almost constituted all the last words of his parents. I hope he doesn't spend his life on this matter, don't stand still, don't get dragged into the muddy water, and don't be full of doubts because of it. I hope he can still treat others fairly, accept others kindly, and live a long, ordinary but happy life with occasional surprises.
Like that birthday greeting, it almost became a demon for Yan Sui for the next ten years.
"I can't help but listen to the last words, after all, they were the last thing they left to me." Yan Suizhi said, "So that year I found a lot of things for myself to do, so as not to be idle, because once I was idle, I would There will be a lot of ideas, some not-so-nice, dark ideas that go against what they want."
Now that he thinks about it, he can't even remember what he was busy with that year, because no matter what he does, his heart is like an empty and echoless wilderness.
Sometimes he would stop for no reason while walking, staring at a certain place on the side of the road, not knowing where he was going or where he would turn his head back.
He has a lot of money, a long time to spend, just no home.
"At that time, I felt that the only thing that could make my heart beat twice was diving." Yan Suizhi said, "When you inhale oxygen under deep pressure, you will feel like your chest is full..."
The feeling of being full and almost sour always gives people an illusion - it seems to be quite satisfied, and it doesn't seem to be so empty.
At that time, he was always wearing a diving suit, sitting on the edge of the second floor of the diving boat, his hair was dripping wet, he propped up his hands, squinting at the sea where he couldn't see his head, and there were some dazzling jumping Sunlight.
Next to him, the coach was chattering, and he took it as a meaningless background sound, listening to it, while fascinated.
After a short rest, plunged into the quieter sea.
Wait for the oxygen to fill the heart.
For the teenage Yan Suizhi, this taste is probably more attractive than any drug in the world, and it is too easy to be addicted.
It wasn't until later that he encountered the accident of Young Master Manson and experienced a lack of oxygen underwater, and he suddenly felt... This is really boring.
"In this way, I'm pretty good. I'm not even in my teens. I've gone wrong. I've tried my best to correct my route. I've tried a lot of things. If they're still there, they'll probably drag me into hype." Yan Suizhi thought for a while, then smiled, "My mother is always exaggerating, and my father has no temper. He probably just nodded and said 'your mother is right'..."
He said, and after a while, he said, "It's a pity, I can't hear it."
No matter what he did, no matter how big or small, even if it was just an anecdote he encountered on the side of the road, he had no one to talk about.
Over time, I gradually got used to not mentioning it to anyone.
He had been empty for decades, and finally met Gu Yan.