My name is Du Lanshan, Du from Du Fu and Lanshan from the dim lights.
Lanshan means desolate, sad, and withered.
"Ending" or "declining" are not good words.
The name my mother gave me seemed to have foreseen my whole life.
She was not well educated and probably only knew the famous saying "When I look back, I see the person standing in the dimming lights", so she gave me this name.
My scumbag father abandoned my mother and me when I was less than a month old. My mother raised me with great difficulty, but in the end she never had a single day without hardship.
My uncle brought me back to the snack bar when I was fifteen. He didn't like me at all and didn't even hide his disgust.
My aunt is a traditional woman, and because of my uncle's attitude, she is also lukewarm towards me.
Only my cousin Wenhao looked at me without any hesitation, and that look scared me.
I was careful to act well behaved. My grades were average and I didn't want to spend too much time on schoolwork. I finished my homework at school and helped out in the store whenever I had time. My uncle still disliked me, but he couldn't find a suitable reason to get angry with me.
After entering high school, I was elected as the deputy monitor. This position was actually an empty title and was used to help the monitor with miscellaneous tasks.
Fortunately, our class monitor, who was excellent in everything, took good care of me and took on most of the class affairs.
I became more and more adept at doing things, and I became more cheerful.
I think this is all thanks to Lu Hanting.
It was he who said to just go for it, and that he would take care of anything that came up.
I believed what he said, but it turned out to be just my naivety.
Lu Hanting once appeared in my life like a light, but he also left in such a cruel way at lightning speed.
Something happened at the snack bar the night Lu Hanting rejected me. In the end, I dropped out of school for two years, and my uncle sent Du Wenhao to a private school, determined to separate him from me.
I wanted it very much, so I stayed in the snack bar.
Two years passed in a flash, and I returned to school. The same day that Su Yan transferred to Mingyuan was the day I stepped into the Mingyuan campus again.
After dragging it on for so long, I have somewhat tried to avoid Lu Hanting. My original class moved to another teaching building, which is far away, so I don't have to meet him.
My former head teacher took me to the office of the first grade group and introduced me to the new teachers. I was stunned as soon as I entered the door.
The boy has an upright figure and a straight back, but he doesn't have the hunchback problem that other boys have.
His profile was very handsome, with smooth lines. The head teacher said something with a smile on his face, and he just nodded coolly and uttered a few monosyllables.
When I saw his expression, I unconsciously turned my head away.
His eyes were as cool as water. Everything around him could not enter his world. There was only him there, and he would not allow others to disturb him.
But his eyes are very clear, and I guess he must be very kind.
This is the complete opposite of Lu Hanting, and I began to be interested in him.
I became monitor of Class 10, and at the next grade meeting, I saw the boy.
I found out that his name was Su Yan, and he was the monitor of Class 9. It was really funny that the two of us were transfer students who arrived a few days later than the others, but we both defeated everyone and became class monitors.
We had some interactions because of class work. Su Yan was polite to others. Even though his attitude was not enthusiastic enough, it was hard to find fault with him and no one would think he was impolite.
He seldom smiled, and sometimes he had to smile because of the occasion. He would just slightly curl the corners of his mouth, and soon the trace of the smile would disappear without a trace.
As usual before the National Day holiday, the school held a sports meet. I didn't have an event, so I sat in the stands with Cheng Kou as cheerleaders.
Su Yan was busy with projects and disappeared for the entire morning, only returning to his class after lunch.
He was wearing a sports vest and shorts, revealing his white arms and calves. Perhaps he had just run, there were crystal beads of sweat in his hair.
He tilted his head back and drank the mineral water, not gulping it down in one gulp like others did, but swallowing it in small sips.
The bottle in his hand left the thin lips and stayed not far away.
Su Yan suddenly smiled. He was facing the light and his expression was not very clear, but based on my vague intuition, I concluded that he must have smiled under the cover of the water bottle.
Unlike usual, even his brows and eyes softened.
I just wanted to see Su Yan's defenseless smile.
Not even once.
I should have noticed that Su Yan stopped smiling the moment he noticed my gaze.
I was so overwhelmed with joy that I wishfully thought his smile was for me.
Later I realized that the person was not me, but Cheng Kou who was playing with his mobile phone next to me.
When I found out that Cheng Kou and Su Yan liked each other, the feeling I had at that moment is hard to describe.
I couldn't control myself and risked being discovered to deceive Su Yan. After he left, my palms were already wet.
My college entrance examination results were not ideal, so I went to a private broadcasting academy. There were so many unfair things there, and I felt like an outsider. I was exhausted and gradually lost contact with Cheng Kou.
It was many years later that we met again. When I met Cheng Kou in a cafe, I heard that she lived in Yurenyuan, and I became suspicious. I had only thought that with Cheng Kou's family conditions, it was impossible for her to afford such a luxury house. Later, I found Cheng Kou's key, but I didn't return it to her immediately. Instead, I went directly to Yurenyuan at night.
My premonition was so accurate, I really saw Su Yan in that mansion.
Cheng Kou and Su Yan, after going around in circles, finally found each other.
Su Yan called me a stranger. His words were like a knife, stabbing straight into my heart and digging a hole in the deepest part, making me feel miserable every time I think about it in the future.
I asked myself several times why it couldn't be me.
Lu Hanting doesn’t like me, Su Yan doesn’t like me either, they are both attracted to Cheng Kou.
Cheng Kou gave me the warmth I had longed for, but the person they liked was Cheng Kou.
If it was someone else, that would be fine.
If it were someone else, I wouldn't have to give up this only warmth, and I wouldn't have to be so cruel as to do those things to Cheng Kou.
If... time could go back, I don't want to meet any of them. Just like my current life, a strange city, a strange environment, and strange people coming and going.
I gave up the lifestyle of the past decade, the days of intrigue and guarding against others. I began to try to truly open my heart and communicate with others. There might be hurt, but I believe I will also gain warmth.
One day I met my biological father on the street. He lived in poverty and looked nothing like the one in the photos my mother treasured.
I walked past him and of course he didn't recognize me, and I didn't look back.
I will go my own way and keep moving forward.