What exactly is freedom
Before the age of sixteen, freedom to me was like a bird in the air; a fish swimming in the water; what Petofi said was a precious existence for which life and love could be thrown away, abstract and general.
After the age of sixteen, freedom has a more precise definition. It became out of reach, beyond the high wall, and became the goddess that made King Chu Xiang dream about.
It took me ten years to own it again.
I still remember the day when I was released from prison, I was standing behind the slowly opened iron gate with my simple luggage, just separated by a wall. It seemed that the day was bluer and the air was sweeter.
I greedily took a deep breath, ready to welcome the long-lost new life.
"Lu Feng..." Lao Huang, the prison guard behind me, stopped me, and what came out of his mouth was no longer a series of cold serial numbers, but my name.
I was sixteen years old and imprisoned for intentional homicide. For ten years, except for the first two years in the juvenile detention center, I have been serving my sentence in Qingwan City No. 1 Prison for the next eight years. Lao Huang was already in his fifties at that time, counting his age, he should have retired after seeing me off.
"Don't look back." Seeing that I was about to turn around, Lao Huang stopped me in time, "Go straight ahead and never come back."
Strange to say, the joy of regaining freedom did not bring tears to my eyes, but Lao Huang's ordinary words made my nose sore and sad.
Blinking away the heat in my eyes, I waved my hand with my back to him, and strode out of the iron gate.
"Let's leave now, and we will never see Lao Huang again."
I don't know what Lao Huang's expression on the back is, anyway, I am smiling very happily, and I have never felt so excited in ten years, and I can jump up and down when I walk.
"Beep beep...beep beep..."
A burst of loud buzzing woke me up from my sleep. When I opened my eyes and saw the mottled and dilapidated ceiling under the dim light, I was still a little lost. It took me a long time to recall that I was no longer in the No. 1 Prison.
There is no loud snoring sound from Room 67, no unpleasant foot odor, no need to get up early in the morning to work, let alone spend every day step by step.
Even though I have been released from prison for three months, sometimes when I get sleepy and drowsy, I still think I am still trapped in that iron barrel-like building. That place where the sun can't shine, the lifeless place.
I turned off the alarm clock, rubbed my nose, and lay on the bed for a few more minutes before I sat up and lifted the quilt out of bed.
After half a month of continuous drizzle, today is a rare day of good weather. The sky is blue, white clouds are blooming, and the sun is so bright that people can't open their eyes. It is a rare sunny day.
After a quick wash, I put on a denim jacket and went out. I bought two sets of pancakes and a cup of soy milk downstairs, and walked to the bus stop 100 meters away. After waiting for about five minutes, my bus arrived.
There was no one on the bus on Saturday morning. I wandered around for an hour, and at the penultimate stop, I was the only one left on the bus.
The driver asked me if I was getting off at the final stop, and said that if there was no one at the next stop, he would not stop.
"Oh, I'm in Minyou Nursing Home."
The driver glanced at me through the rearview mirror: "Are you seeing a patient?"
I sucked on the soy milk that had almost bottomed out, and nodded casually: "My mother."
The driver immediately showed a regretful expression, and let out a long sigh.
"pitiful."
I lowered my eyes, bit the straw in my mouth, squeezed the plastic cup little by little, and didn't answer.
The driver didn't know how long he had been driving this route, so he naturally knew where the "Minyou Nursing Home" was. To put it bluntly, it is a professional nursing hospital that advocates palliative care, but to put it bluntly, it is just a hospice hospital for malignant tumor patients waiting to die.
My mother had lymphoma, which was discovered in a physical examination a year ago, and it was found to be in an advanced stage.
At that time, I was about to be released from prison in a year. She used to come here very frequently. Every time, she would dream about the beautiful life after I got out of prison for a long time. I have thought about all kinds of invisible things. Suddenly not coming, I feel wrong.
Later, a friend of my mother came to see me. At first, she kept it secret, saying that my mother was hospitalized with appendicitis and would not be able to come for a short time.
After sitting in prison for so many years, I didn't learn anything else, but I was good at reading people's expressions. I could tell from her expression that everything about appendicitis was nonsense. Sure enough, after repeated questioning, she told the truth.
Facing the unfamiliar cancer name, I was stunned for a long time, and I didn't even know when my mother's friend left.
In the evening of that day, I went to the library to borrow two medical books during my free time. I spent a week reading through them, and finally found out with regret that my mother was terminally ill, unless Jehovah came to this land to give my mother Put on a golden finger patch, otherwise she would be hopeless.
After learning about the situation, I didn't feel much grief, but I was numb and muddled all day long, as if dreaming all the time.
A few days after that, the phone call I had been unable to get through was finally connected. The first thing my mother said was that she was fine and told me not to worry about her.
"You have cancer, do you think you'll be fine if you say you're fine?" My relative was sick but I couldn't be by my side, which made me very upset.
My mother was silent for a moment, and her tone was completely different when she spoke again, no longer pretending to be relaxed.
"The passwords of several bank cards on my side have been changed to your birthday. If something happens to me, don't forget to transfer the money out. This disease is basically impossible to cure. Although I accepted the doctor's conservative treatment plan, I Knowing that it's just about prolonging my life as long as possible."
Not long ago, she was still thinking about the future with me, but now she left a last word. She babbled a lot, including the location of the passbook, the location of the house book, and even some basic procedures for her burial after death.
Finally she said: "Son, I will try my best to hold on until you are released from prison, and then we will go home together."
I have almost forgotten the mood at that time, and I don't want to think about it again. I only remember that after the numbness passed... it was an astonishing pain.
My mother did what she said, and she persisted until I was released from prison. Even the doctor who predicted that she would only have half a year to live was surprised. But she couldn't go home with me after all. She was in such poor health that she was sent to Minyou Nursing Home shortly before I was released from prison.
In the doctor's words, the conditions and facilities there are good, allowing patients to leave this world with more dignity and comfort.
The nursing home is located in the suburbs, with a beautiful environment. Today is a sunny day, and the inpatient building looks particularly bright and clean. The light-colored marble floor tiles are so polished that you can roll on them.
When I entered the ward with the pancakes I brought for my mother, there was no one there. The quilt was neatly folded, as if no one had slept in it. I looked at the name written on the hospital bed suspiciously, Lin Xiangping, it was my mother.
A deep anxiety rose in my heart, fearing that something had happened to my mother, and was about to find someone, when a voice came from the door of the ward.
"Ah Feng, here we come..."
As soon as I turned around, I saw my mother was walking in with the help of the nurse, and the heart that had jumped into the throat returned to its original position.
"Where did this go so early in the morning?" I hurried over to help my mother onto the bed.
"See if the weather is fine, let's go for a walk."
She is sick now, her skin is not good, and she is thin. No one will think she is good-looking, but the nurse who takes care of her always tells me that Teacher Lin is the most temperamental dying person she has ever met. patient.
In fact, let me say, just want to be strong.
My mother has been strong all her life, and she is most afraid of people seeing her down and out. Even as her son, I rarely see her lose her composure.
The only time when my case was pronounced and the judge announced the number "ten years", she stood up suddenly, her breathing was short, and her face was gloomy and terrifying.
I thought she was going to yell at me for humiliation, or just throw a shoe over my head.
But she didn't say anything, her cheeks were tense, she just slapped Sheng Minou who was sitting next to her loudly with her backhand.
The slap was so loud that even the judge trembled uncontrollably in fright. The bright red slap print stayed on Sheng Minou's handsome face, as if an ugly red mark had been painted on the soft and beautiful white porcelain bottle for no reason, abruptly. glaring.
The bailiff took me away from the court, I watched my mother all the way, and couldn't help but look at Sheng Minou.
He lowered his eyes and said nothing, he didn't care about the slap my mother gave him, and he didn't respond to my gaze.
The crowd stood up and left in an orderly manner. My mother walked towards me against the flow of people with red eyes, even if she was stopped by the bailiff, she wanted to take another look at me.
Sheng Minou still sat there motionless, at that time I thought he was afraid to face me and blamed himself for his negligence in this matter, but later I found out that I was really too simple.
Being able to get rid of two hated objects at the same time, how happy he must have been sitting in the gallery at that time, and how could he care about my mother's innocuous slap
He didn't look at me, and it wasn't because he was beaten to death by my mother, but because he was afraid of looking at me, he couldn't help but let out the joy in his eyes.
"Didn't you say you want to eat pancakes last time? I brought them to you today, but it's been a long journey, and it's a little cold. I'll go and heat them up for you."
I asked the nurse to accompany my mother, and went to the tea room in the corridor to heat pancakes.
It was still early, and there were no other sounds in the corridor except occasional coughing and soft conversations from the various wards, and the tea room was even more empty.
I threw the pancake into the microwave and heated it for half a minute, and I took it out when it was almost warm.
Although I specifically said that I want to eat, but with my mother's current physical condition, it is actually very difficult for her to have an appetite to eat. At most, she can taste it and put it down after two bites.
Carrying the bag and walking back, when I was about to reach the door of my mother's ward, there was a "ding" sound, and the elevator not far away stopped on this floor.
I didn't stop, and walked forward as usual, until a figure in a suit stepped out of the elevator, blocking my way.
Even though I hadn't seen him for ten years, I still recognized Sheng Minou in an instant.
He was holding a fruit basket with a variety of varieties in his left hand, and he was still talking on the phone in his right hand.
"I haven't forgotten my appointment tonight, and I will be there on time." When he spoke, his tone was restrained, but there was deep impatience between his brows.
I'm such a big person sticking around him, it's impossible for him to ignore the past.
He glanced at me with the end of his eyes, he didn't pay attention at first, but after speaking two more words with the person on the other end of the phone, he suddenly stopped and looked over slowly, as if he had seen a ghost in daylight.
He finally recognized me.
"I have something to do now, I'll call you later." He hung up the phone, put his hands in his trouser pockets, and then looked at me.
He looked at me, as if to evaluate whether I was an escaped prisoner, whether the hand in the trouser pocket should call the police or something.
"When did it come out?"
When he evaluates me, I evaluate him.
Ten years have passed, I have grown up, he has not grown, but I am still not as tall as he is, almost half a head short.
"It's been three months." Although I don't know how to smoke, I really want to have a cigarette right now. Lit up and pressed his face to see how he still put on such a condescending face.
He gave a faint "Oh" and handed the fruit basket to me: "Then you should bring it in. I'm afraid that Ms. Lin will yell again when she sees me. Being too excited is not good for her health."
I glanced at the luxurious and exquisite fruit basket, took it and thanked him.
"If you have any difficulties in the future, you can call me. The nurse should have my contact information."
His mobile phone is in his right trouser pocket, and I am not a savage without a mobile phone. It would be too much ink for a minute to call each other, but he made it difficult for me to find the nurse to ask for his contact information.
Between his impeccable etiquette on the surface and the true thoughts in his heart that he wished to never get in touch with me, there was only a piece of hypocritical paper. One finger and one word can pierce it, but I still didn't say anything.
I smiled and replied: "Okay."
Ten years ago, I would definitely expose him without hesitation, but now I have grown up. The world of adults is like this. Even if it is a thin piece of paper, it is better than covering it with nothing, and it is better than facing the ugly truth.
He turned around and pressed the elevator button, and said goodbye to me carelessly: "I still have something to do, so I'll leave first."
During the movement, there was a weak airflow, and a cold fragrance rushed to my face. The smell of leather mixed with sandalwood filled my entire nasal cavity domineeringly in an instant.
"Don't you have anything to say to me?"
He turned his face away, his eyes slowly fell on my face, and then moved away slowly, staying for no more than two seconds. When the elevator came, he walked in without saying a word, as if he automatically ignored my question.
I was stunned for a moment and realized that this should mean "nothing".
Watching him walk into the elevator, in this small and unoccupied space, it seems that he finally no longer has to maintain a mask in front of others, revealing some of his true nature.
His frowning brows were stretched, and he lowered his eyes halfway, showing a look of extreme arrogance. Anyone who is just a talking pig in his eyes, just a casual conversation is already the greatest gift.
God knows how he was holding back his gag to talk to me just now, it must have been hard for him.
With a fruit basket in one hand and pancakes in the other, I wandered back to the ward.
"You just went to heat up breakfast, why did you come back with a fruit basket?" My mother stopped communicating with the nurse and asked me with a slightly puzzled eyebrow.
I put the fruit basket on the bedside table, picked up a very delicious looking pear, and planned to wash it and taste it.
"Sheng Minou just came here..."
Before I finished speaking, except for the fragrant pear in my hand, all the other fruits in the fruit basket were thrown to the ground by my mother, and the action was so fast that it could be described as "swift".
She was panting, her temples were disheveled: "Tell him to get out!"
My mother rarely loses her composure, but now she doesn't care about the quarrel and scolds the word "fuck" at her former adopted son.