Two days before New Year's Eve, my mother fell into a coma, and the doctor said she might never wake up again.
Because I don't know exactly when the last moment will come, I can only stay in the hospital all day. Except for occasionally going outside the inpatient building to get some air, the rest of the time I don't leave my mother's ward.
In just a few days of hard work, I just learned to smoke. Good habits need to be persisted every day, and bad habits can be matured in minutes to the point where you even wonder if you are a genius.
After I learned it, I discovered that the smell of smoke is not all bitter. The white smoke flows through the lungs, exhales through the nose and mouth, and the strong wine-like sensation lingers all over the body, which is very relaxing and intoxicating.
Only when I take these few puffs of cigarettes can I completely empty myself, stop thinking about the past and the future, and shield myself from life, old age, sickness and death.
"Look at me, how far is it?"
"I'm far away too, look at my..."
I was standing under a willow tree in the garden, puffing and puffing. Not far away were two seven or eight-year-old boys playing with water guns by the pond, trying to shoot farther than anyone else. Many patients were walking around, but none of them looked like their parents.
Is it because there is not enough homework in school, let them spend their time playing in the water here in winter
I squeezed the cigarette holder and exhaled a puff of white mist. Looking at the pond with withered lotus leaves, I suddenly remembered that I was actually such a bear.
That was the year when I first entered elementary school, the school organized a spring outing, and all the students took a bus to an amusement park, and they started free activities after getting off the bus.
After the class was disbanded, I went with a few classmates and played a few rides. I didn't think it was enough, so I wanted to go boating.
Before the class teacher disbanded, he repeatedly stated that he would not let us get close to the lake because he was afraid that something would happen to us, but our pursuit of excitement made us unable to stop, and finally ran towards the pier.
But it's nothing more than that when you really play it.
Four people in a small swan rowing boat, not very skilled, clumsy forward in the emerald water of the pool, turning in circles from time to time. I felt a little bored, so I put down my paddle and glanced at the shore, just in time to see a familiar figure walking by.
"Brother!" I didn't care about being on the boat, and stood up excitedly.
Sheng Minou in the distance and a few senior students around him who were the same age as him heard the yelling, and they all looked at me at the same time.
At that time, Sheng Mingou and I were in the same elementary school. When I was in the first grade, he happened to be in the fifth grade, but we didn't have classes on the same floor. Except for returning home and going back together, there was almost no interaction during the day.
Sheng Minou looked at me without moving, and didn't make any response. He was chatting and laughing with his classmates just now, but the expression on his face faded a lot. He is always like this, meeting my earnest gaze, listening to my enthusiastic call, but always acting like a bystander. Indifferent, alienated, and somewhat defensive.
The boat shook slightly, and the other three boys in the boat exclaimed and asked me to sit down.
I pointed to the shore: "Let's row across? I'm going to find my brother!"
I directed them and tried my best to paddle towards the shore, fearing that Sheng Minou would be impatient to wait and leave, so I kept waving my arms and told him to wait for me, saying that I would go there immediately.
The lotus leaves that were just emerging and stretched grew in the pool water near the shore. We paddled into the lotus leaves with all our strength, and we were almost unable to reach the shore.
I don't know if my persuasion played a role, Sheng Minou really didn't leave, but he didn't take any further actions. I dropped my oars and stood up, holding out my hand to him.
"Brother, I'll go with you, give me a hand."
Sheng Minou stared at my outstretched hand, and there was no movement for a long time. I was a little anxious, afraid that he would not want to, so I leaned closer to the edge of the little swan.
In an instant, the hull tilted, I lost my balance, fell forward, and fell into the cold lake water in early spring.
I jumped up in the water, surrounded by green lotus leaves, and I grabbed those stems and leaves as if grabbing my own life-saving straw.
Frightened cries for help sounded from all around, his mouth and nose were choked into the fishy cold water, in the shaky sight, Sheng Minou just stood on the bank and looked down at me, calmly as if it wasn't his younger brother who fell into the water, but a noisy brother frog. He knew it was going to be all right, and he wasn't worried about it.
Soon a passer-by jumped into the water to save me. Actually, the lake is not very deep, about two meters, and there is still a large tank for planting lotus at the bottom. But for me, who was only 1.2 meters tall at the time, this was tantamount to a catastrophe.
After being rescued ashore, I sat on the ground trembling all over, unable to stand up at all.
There were buzzing sounds in my ears, a group of people surrounded me, the adults followed my dangerous behavior, and the children asked me if I was okay.
I looked around in a daze, looking for Sheng Minou in the crowd.
Suddenly, my back felt warm, and a warm coat was draped over my shoulders. When I saw the familiar hem, I turned my head quickly, and Sheng Minou just raised his eyes to meet my gaze.
The tense emotions suddenly lost control for a moment, and I couldn't bear it anymore, I threw myself into his arms, hugged his waist and cried loudly.
"Brother... scared me to death..." I kept calling him, telling my fear.
His body was stiff for a while, until the thin T-shirt was completely wet by me, and then he stretched out a hand and pressed my back slowly.
"never mind."
I once wondered if Sheng Minou was the first thing I saw when I was just born. He was born with a baby bird, so I followed him all day and chattered. Otherwise, it would be hard to explain my attachment to him since I was young. Reluctant.
At the end of the memory, the two children held water guns and kept pumping water towards the center of the pool.
I finished smoking a cigarette and planned to go back. I turned around and didn't take two steps. Suddenly, there was the sound of heavy objects falling into the water behind me, accompanied by a child's shrill scream.
What can I say? It's just too little homework.
Closing my eyes, I quickly turned around and ran to the edge of the pool. There was only one of the two children standing by the edge of the pool.
Many people heard the movement and rushed here like me, and some people witnessed the whole process of the incident from a distance.
"A child fell, lost his footing, slipped..."
"Hurry up, save people!"
The one in the water was frozen or frightened, and it was about to sink to the bottom, while the one on the shore knelt down by the pool and cried.
I didn't dare to stay for a moment, I only had time to throw my phone on the grass, and I jumped into the water.
The icy pool water soaked through the layers of clothing, entangled my hands and feet, wrapped my whole body, and made my teeth chatter with the cold.
I grabbed the boy by the collar of his clothes and dragged him to the shore. He kept struggling, like a cat that blew up. Fortunately, the place where he fell was not far from the shore, only a distance of more than one meter. Otherwise, with the intensity of his struggle, it would be really difficult to save.
People on the shore reached out to help, pulled the child up, and then came to pull me.
The hospital staff rushed over upon hearing the news and covered me and the brat with two white sheets.
Soon, a pair of panic-looking men and women rushed over, still wearing the uniforms of hospital cleaners.
"Why are you so careless...you're going to scare us to death!"
"I told you not to play with the water, don't play with the water, did something happen?"
Passers-by began to vividly describe the thrilling scene just now, pointing at me and saying that if it weren't for this kind person, their son wouldn't know what to do. The couple was afraid and ashamed, and kept bowing and thanking me.
I waved my hand: "It's okay, it's easy to do." Wrapped in a quilt, I couldn't help shivering, "I have been willing to help others since I was a child."
The hospital staff saw that my face was blue from the cold, so they hurriedly let me enter the building to warm up and take a hot bath, and then they found me a clean hospital gown to change into so as not to catch a cold.
Walking halfway, a person hurriedly ran to the gate of the hospital building. After a fixed look, it was the nurse who had been taking care of my mother.
There was a sudden jump in my heart, and I had a bad premonition.
Sure enough, the nurse ran towards me panting, shouting as she ran: "Mr. Lu, Teacher Lin is awake, you...you go back quickly." She supported her knees and said intermittently, "When you are awake, you can still talk. I keep calling your name."
I was startled, and then suddenly realized the deep meaning of the other party's words.
Before the soul is about to leave the body, it will burst out the last bit of energy, which is the afterglow of life. And more people like to call it - back to the light.
He staggered a few steps forward, and finally started to sprint. The icy wind blew past his ears, and both sides of his cheeks felt like they were being cut by knives.
I ran to the ward as fast as I could in my life, and felt that the bed sheet was in the way, so I simply rolled it up and threw it aside. My lungs swelled and hurt as if they were about to explode, and my throat was full of a strong smell of blood. After finally running to the door of the ward, I stopped in my tracks and did not enter rashly.
I'm in a state of embarrassment right now.
After calming down for a breath, I wanted to roll up my soaked sleeves, but when I saw the bandage on my arm, I suddenly remembered that the knife wound was still not healed, and the stitches would not be removed until a few days later.
I clicked my tongue, had no choice but to put down the sleeve on the other side, and combed my hair before entering the door carefully.
The nurse raised the pillow, and my mother half-closed her eyes and looked out the window, and looked towards me when she heard the movement.
"Are you back?" She didn't seem to notice my strangeness, she stretched out her hand towards me, "Come, let mom see you."
Water dripped from my body all the way from the door to her hospital bed.
The heating was turned on in the ward, which gradually raised my body temperature, but I still felt cold.
"Mom, what do you think?" I held her hand, and found that it was not warmer than mine, and my heart became more and more miserable.
"It's good, I feel like I haven't been so energetic for some days. Why are your hands so cold?" She rubbed the palms of my hands up and down, trying to keep me warm.
When I was a child, these hands held me, hugged me, fed me, dressed me, and did everything a mother should do. Now they are dry and withered, like branches that will break if they are easily folded. I can't even wrap my hands around it.
"Just went outside for a walk."
"It's cold, what's there to do outside." She patted the back of my hand reproachfully, and a wry smile appeared on her lips, "Ah Feng, Mom may have to renege on her promise. Fortunately, it was two days in advance. It didn't hit New Year's Eve, otherwise you won't be able to enjoy the New Year in the future."
"Mom..." My throat was dry, and the strong smell of blood from running seemed to have not dissipated.
"It's my mother's only regret that I can't see you getting married. Lu Feng, you promise me that you must get married." She seemed to be afraid that I didn't hear, so she repeated, "You must get married."
My Adam's apple rolled, and I laughed dryly: "Find the right person, I will."
That's what I said, but I know very well that I'm afraid I won't be able to find it.
Hearing my ambiguous answer, my mother's tone became fierce without warning: "No! You promise me, you swear...you will definitely get married." She tightened her hands with such strength that she didn't look like a dying patient, "Lu Feng, this is Mom's last wish."
"… mom?"
I don't understand why she is so obsessed with my marriage all of a sudden, making it her only wish before she dies, it's almost like... almost like knowing that I won't get married.
But why would she know
The thought was so horrifying that my blood froze in all my limbs for an instant, and what she said next sadly compelled my guesses.
"You promise me that you must get married..." When she said these words, her eyes widened to the point of horror, "I will never... never see Sheng Minou again!"
The three words Sheng Minou simply made me feel like a thunderbolt.
She did know.
She had discovered the unspeakable, unethical love for her adoptive brother a long time ago.
In an instant, I felt as if I was standing in a bottomless pool of mud. Every time I took a breath of air, the deadly black mud would overflow my body. They climbed up my chest, drowned my neck, covered my mouth and nose, and brought a slow, painful death.
I wanted to scream and escape, but my hands and feet were bound by the black mud, and I could only watch my body being swallowed and dissolved bit by bit in despair.
I tried to speak, but found that I could only utter hoarse and unpleasant vague syllables. There seemed to be a piece of red-hot iron, which choked my throat and burned my vocal cords, making me unable to speak freely.
It was as if I was walking on a narrow single-plank bridge, with the abyss on the left and right, and the front and back were collapsing.
No matter how you go, you will die.