I dialed Sheng Minou's phone number, repeating the same actions tirelessly, until the few batteries were completely zeroed out, the phone could no longer be turned on, and no one answered the other side.
Crouching in the hospital corridor, I pulled my hair in pain and buried my face in my arms.
He didn't answer my call, and even at this time, he still wouldn't answer my call. I just want to hear his voice, as long as I have a little comfort, I can still go on, even if it is hopeless and painful... But he is not willing to grant me even this small request.
"Liar..." I closed my eyes, blinking away the sour heat in my eyes.
I maintained this posture for a long time, until I heard a gentle female voice in front of me. I raised my head and saw a young nurse looking at me worriedly.
"Mr. Lu, are you okay?"
I wiped my face and stood up from the ground: "It's okay, is the car here?"
The nurse nodded: "The funeral home's car has arrived, it's parked in the underground parking garage, you can go down."
While speaking, the nurse pushed out a stretcher bed from the ward. The bed was slightly raised and covered tightly with a white cloth.
When walking in front of me, probably because of the bumps, a pale and thin hand suddenly hung down from it.
"and many more… "
The nurse stopped immediately, and I stepped forward, carefully holding the cold, lifeless hand firmly, and putting it back under the white cloth.
The picture of being held by this hand not long ago is still vivid in my memory, and the touch is still vivid, but now, the owner of the hand no longer calls me "Afeng" with a smile, nor does he nagging me to make me feel colder. Clothes, drinking water in hot weather.
Death is like a lamp going out, like soup and snow. But when the wick is burned out and the snow melts, there will be no traces in this world. You will not remember a lamp carefully, nor will you remember a grain of snow with your heart. People are different. When people are gone, what is left behind are countless memories, unforgettable affection, endless remorse, and unspeakable regrets.
It was a black long van that came to pick up my mother, and I sat in the co-pilot and went to the funeral home together. When going through the formalities, the staff asked me if I wanted to hold a farewell ceremony.
My mother told her before her that people would laugh at her and feel sorry for her, so the farewell ceremony should not be done. She knew that few people would really feel sad for her.
"No more."
After hearing the words, the staff stamped a bright red seal on the receipt, handed it to me, and asked me to wait at the ashes claiming place.
Today's day is cloudy and cold, the columbarium is not heated, the tiled floor is chilly, and the plastic stools seem to be covered with ice slag, which makes people feel uneasy.
After waiting for more than half an hour, my mother's name finally appeared on the big screen.
The ashes were placed in a plain white jar, and they were still warm when they were delivered to me.
Holding the urn in my hand, I thanked the staff and turned to go out.
The cars in front of the funeral parlor were not easy to catch. Several cars in a row obviously had no passengers, but they sped away as soon as they saw the urn in my hand, so fast that I didn’t even remember their license plate numbers before they disappeared.
I had no choice but to enter the funeral home again, ask the staff to borrow a landline, call Wei Shi, and ask if he could pick me up.
Wei Shi asked me to wait without saying a word, saying that he would come right away.
I stood by the side of the road, holding the urn in one hand, and lit a cigarette with the other. When the ground was covered with cigarette butts, my hair was blown wildly by the noisy cold wind, and my brain hurt, Wei Shi's car slowly came from the other side of the road.
Sitting in the car, the warm air suddenly surrounded me, I let out a long sigh of relief, and instantly felt a sense of rebirth.
"Afeng, are you okay?" Wei Shi took the time to glance at me, "You look very bad."
I rest the urn on my lap, running my fingertips along the cold surface.
"It's okay." The last remaining warmth on the jar has disappeared. Sheng Minou once said that blackness is the finale of life. No, black is not its finale, cold is.
it's too cold.
I lowered the back of the chair and closed my eyes: "Call me when I get to the cemetery."
When Wei Shi drove to the cemetery, it was already dark. He wanted to go in with me, but I declined.
"You don't need to accompany me, I'm already an adult, can this matter still be done?"
Wei Shi held the car door, his expression not much relaxed: "Afeng..."
"No need." Before he finished speaking, I refused again.
Seeing that he couldn't persuade me, he had no choice but to compromise.
"Then be careful yourself."
With ladders and tools, the cemetery staff opened my dad's alcove for me and put my mother's urn into it.
From then on, the husband and wife can finally reunite and scold me for being an unfilial son.
I paid my respects to the alcove three times, I didn't stop much, thanked the staff, and walked to the parking lot alone.
Seeing me coming back so quickly, Wei Shi was a little surprised: "It's over?"
"It's over."
Wei Shi started the car, and said in a very deliberate brisk tone: "Come on, third brother invites you to dinner."
From the very beginning, I felt chills all over my body, and my head was swollen, as if I had a fever.
I jumped into the pool in the afternoon, and my mother woke up before I had time to take a shower and change clothes. After that, I have been busy until now. The clothes on my body were blown by the cold wind and covered by the body temperature. Although they were almost dry, the insides of the shoes were still wet. My feet seemed to be soaked in snow water, and I couldn't get warm no matter what.
"No, third brother, take me to the mall near our shop."
"Shopping mall?" Wei Shi asked in surprise, "Do you want to buy something? Do you want me to accompany you?"
"I'm looking for someone." After a pause, I added, "I'm looking for my brother."
I leaned against the car door, and the passing headlights left trails of light in front of my eyes.
Sheng Minou is like these lights, which are clearly in front of my eyes, but I just can't grasp them, and I am just passing by to him.
"That's right. When your mother passes away, you must always notify him."
Wei Shi didn't say anything, and quickly drove me to the gate of the mall.
At this time, the sky was completely dark, lights were shining everywhere, neon lights were flickering, and the city was as bright as day.
Saying goodbye to Wei Shi, I put my hands in my pockets and headed for Sheng Minou's law firm.
Although it was already seven o'clock in the evening, there were still many people who had just left work. I took the elevator all the way up, and every time I reached a floor, there was a dark group of people waiting to squeeze in. The scene was quite spectacular.
When I finally reached the floor where Jinshang's office is located, I squeezed my way out of the crowd with great effort, almost knocking out my shoes.
With this effort, I felt even more dizzy.
The lights in the law firm were still on, and as soon as I got to the door, I saw the receptionist come out with a bag on his back.
"Mr. Lu?" She was surprised when she saw me, "Why are you here suddenly?"
"Where's my brother?" Looking inside, it seems that there are still many lights on, and there should be some people who haven't left.
The front desk said: "Recently, we took on a big case, and Lawyer Sheng attached great importance to it. Today, I had a video conference with the other party for a whole day. It seems that I went to smoke in the corridor just now."
She pointed me in a direction.
I nodded to her, turned around and walked towards the safe passage.
Pushing open the heavy safety door, what comes to the face is the strong and choking smell of smoke.
Sheng Minou was leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette, and fiddled with his mobile phone while lowering his head. The cold white light shone on his face, making his facial contours deeper and his brows and eyes more gloomy.
Hearing the sound, he looked up and was stunned for a moment, even the movements of his hands stopped.
"Is there any more? Give me one." I walked towards him and asked him for a cigarette.
Sheng Minou hesitated for a while, and gave me the whole pack of cigarettes and even the lighter in the inner pocket of the suit.
I sat on the steps beside me, lit a cigarette skillfully, then raised my head, and puffed out a puff of smoke in the direction of Sheng Mingou.
"Mom is dead."
In the lingering smoke, I couldn't make out his expression, I could only hear him say to me in a voice without ups and downs: "Sorry."
"Why didn't you answer my call?"
He glanced down at the phone screen, stuffed it into his trouser pocket: "I didn't promise that I would answer your call."
"Fuck..." I wanted to scold even worse, but when I thought that his mother was my mother, I forcibly held back the last word, "Sheng Minou, do you hate me so much? You hate me so much that I beg you to answer the phone." Don't want to?"
Sheng Min'ou didn't reply, he was silent as if he had taken dumb medicine for a moment.
Is he too lazy to deal with my unreasonable troubles, or is he considerate that I just lost my mother and don't want to be as knowledgeable as me
"Mom knows how I feel about you." I lowered my head, stared at the warm yellow tiles under my feet, and smiled wryly, "Her only wish before she died was to let me not see you. She took my hand and let me I must get married, and I can't see you again... She asked me to promise her, and she begged me to promise her."
I scratched my hair angrily: "I can't speak, and I can't make a choice...how can I not make a choice?"
My mother took my hand, just wanting me to nod, so she can walk away with peace of mind. But I just stood there like an idiot, unable to make any guarantees.
"Lu Feng..."
Her strength in holding me became weaker and weaker, and the already weak light in her eyes dimmed. She let out a long sigh, accompanied by a long moan, as if she wanted to expel the last bit of anger in her chest.
With this sigh, she slowly let go of her fingers, no longer clutching me tightly.
When her fingertips fell completely and she couldn't hold my hand, I suddenly came back to my senses and grabbed her hanging palm with my backhand.
"Mom?" I called her in panic, but she just half-opened her eyes and stopped responding to me.
Trembling, he went to check her breath, only to find that she was not breathing.
Because he couldn't fulfill his last wish before he died, he kept his eyes open and died unwillingly.
I held that hand and rested my forehead on it. The strength in my body gradually dissipated. I bent my knees and slowly knelt down to the ground.
"sorry… "
I know I'm not doing well, I'm always not doing well. I should have been a better son, but I wasn't. I didn't deserve to be her son.
"sorry Sorry… "
With my son, they are really unlucky. They might as well lose me and raise the placenta, maybe it will be useful.
I kept kneeling in front of the hospital bed, holding my mother's hand, and kept telling my apologies, until the nurse noticed something strange, called the doctor, and pulled me up from the ground.
Pain, regret, loss, and a little overwhelmed. In this world, there is no one who loves me anymore. In this world, there is one less person I love.
I know there are nurses and doctors around, but I have never felt so alone.
I couldn't wait to call Sheng Minou to confirm his existence, but he didn't answer my call or reply to my message.
Not even a period...
He clearly knows that I can be satisfied with just a little sweetness, but he is stingy and refuses to give even the shadow of a candy.
I know he has his job, he has his life, and I mean nothing to him, even a dog has my priority. I know, of course I do.
There is no one who loves me anymore in this world, and the only one left, the only one I love, does not love me.
He treats me like nothing, and avoids me like fleas.
Even if I die, he won't shed a single tear.
I know it all.