Jiang's mother couldn't believe it and pulled away the white cloth until she saw her son's face clearly.
She dragged Fu Shize and shouted hoarsely: "Didn't you tell me that everything is fine with him? Didn't you say that you saw him take the medicine?"
Fu Dongsheng and Chen Jinping pulled Fu Shize behind them and tried their best to comfort her.
Fu Shi lowered his head. Everything that happened throughout the night hit him like a stone hammer. His bones seemed to have been smashed, and his body seemed to fall down with a blow.
Jiang's mother fell to the ground and cried loudly.
Fu Shize looked at them and murmured: "I'm sorry..."
Fu Dongsheng saw that the other person was agitated and quickly pulled Fu Shize outside. He sighed, and there was a soft echo in the dank corridor. He comforted in a deep voice: "Aze, this is not your fault. Jiang Yuan is a good boy. Everyone's abilities are limited."
"He has worked very hard, and you have also worked very hard."
Fu Shi opened his eyes and his eyelashes trembled, but there was no reaction.
Hearing the cry, Fu Dongsheng covered Fu Shize's ears.
He heard Jiang Yuan's parents beating the ground in pain, hitting him one after another.
Fu Dongsheng stayed in the hospital to accompany Jiang Yuan's parents to prepare for the funeral.
Feeling that Fu Shize was not in good condition, Chen Jinping half pulled and half dragged him out of the hospital. The moment he left the hospital, the early morning sun pierced him so much that he couldn't open his eyes.
The rain stopped.
Chen Jinping pushed him into the passenger seat. After getting into the car, she held Fu Shize's hand tightly.
He arched his body in silence, his father's large coat hanging down on him, and his hair that had been soaked in the rain was messy.
Then, tears fell on the back of her hand.
The police also found an old notebook spread out on the table of Jiang Yuan's dormitory.
The first few dozen pages contain his research ideas from his undergraduate days. His initial handwriting was elegant and neat, with occasional doodles made when he was distracted.
Later the handwriting became more and more confusing.
As if turning to a blank space at random, Jiang Yuan wrote his last diary entry.
It is completely different from Fu Shize’s memories.
Jiang Yuan's long diary records his mental journey during this period.
…
I have been having a hard time recently. I always felt that my ability was unquestionable and my excellence would not be widened by others. Studying for a Ph.D. made me realize my true level. Every day I looked at the rubbish projects I was doing. Every day I was dragged by my boss to do lateral tasks that took up most of my time. Every day I was struggling on the edge of graduation. Some time ago, I finally had a paper that I planned to submit, but Che Wu gave it to my senior brother, saying that he wanted to stay as a postdoc and needed the article. But that’s my article. I agreed and made a request to graduate on time. Che Wu said that I was a cheap labor force and would delay my graduation for at least one year to work for him. We had a fight with him, and Che Wu said that I had an unstable temperament and wanted to report to the school to have me drop out. I never thought that I would be such a failure in studying for a PhD. I came to this institute full of enthusiasm to do research, but the real situation was that I was helping Che Wu make money every day and night.
I had dinner with Aze and heard him say that if he got the Rising Star Plan, he would sponsor him 1 million. He asked me how I was doing, which I couldn't say, feeling useless. Obviously when we first arrived at Western University of Science and Technology, we were all pretty much the same. When I went downstairs, I saw news and posters all about Aze, and the group members were also forwarding information about his recent awards. Why is the gap between me and Aze getting bigger and bigger? He is still the same as when he first came to UW, but I am almost crushed. I obviously don't want to compare with him, but I really envy him.
I remember that every time I ate, my relatives would ask me how I was doing in my studies. They would tell my younger brothers and sisters that they wanted to study with me, my brother who has a doctorate in the best school in the country. They would compliment me and say that I could make millions every year in the future. .
But I can't even graduate. If it were Aze, he could still do all kinds of things even if he suffered from depression. He wouldn't quarrel with the tutor over an article like me. But I can't do it, I don't have the ability.
I don't want to think so, but when I see him, I really feel pain in my heart. Many times I really hope that he will stop coming to me. If I don't compare with him, I might be better off. I'm so useless, I don't have the courage to admit my incompetence. Aze gave me the article. To him, I should be a complete trouble, right? If he doesn't help me, I should be able to accomplish nothing, right? He watches me taking medicine every day to see if he feels that I am useless and that I am depressed and anxious because of this little thing. He obviously admired me when he was a child, and I don't want Aze to look down on me.
I felt so noisy in my ears that I was about to collapse. Everyone was saying that I was incapable.
I hate myself being so helpless.
I hate that my parents worry about me over and over again because of my illness.
It would be nice if I wasn't here.
…
For Fu Shize, there is almost no discord in his memories. Even when Jiang Yuan was at his most seriously ill, he felt that everything was moving in the right direction.
He always thought that he could see Jiang Yuan get better.
He didn't expect that a lot of the pain Jiang Yuan suffered came from him.
At the police station, Jiang's mother picked up her notebook and slapped Fu Shize hard on him. She pushed him and slapped him desperately with her hands. He stayed where he was, like a kite with its string broken, letting her push him around.
"You said you would watch Jiang Yuan take medicine."
"You told me that Jiang Yuan is fine."
"Forget it if you succeed. Why don't you take more care of his emotions if you know he is sick?"
After being pulled away by her husband, she collapsed and buried her face in her notebook and cried bitterly: "It's all because of you. If I had known this would happen, I shouldn't have let you play together..."
Fu Shi was pushed to the corner, his hair covering his eyebrows, and his face was covered with red marks from the slaps.
He lowered his head lifelessly, and apart from Jiang Mu's hysteria, the only sound in the room was his weak voice.
"sorry… "
The rain washed away the road surface, as if nothing had ever happened. The message was blocked quickly and only appeared on the school forum for a few minutes. Fu Shize went to Jiang Yuan's laboratory and took away the drone, which was their first entry into the competition.
Jiang Yuan's parents refused to let Fu Shize pack Jiang Yuan's luggage or help with the funeral, and told him not to show up.
The funeral was held in Nanwu. In spring, the temperature is still below zero, and the rain turns into hailstones like silver needles, hitting the ground all over. Fu Shi wore a black raincoat, not wanting Jiang Yuan's parents to be irritated. He wore a hat and a mask and looked at the corner from a distance.
During the burial, Fu Shi took off his hat.
He would often dream about being with Jiang Yuan. The two grew up together, copying each other's homework in the classroom, rushing to the stadium to occupy the court after school, and going to the small shop to buy snacks after meals. Jiang Yuan protected him. To protect him from being bullied when he was young.
The man he had called brother since childhood ended up lying on the concrete floor, still shaking.
Fu Shize's mood changed significantly. Confused at first, he gave the article to Jiang Yuan, just like Jiang Yuan bought him milk tea.
He didn't know that his behavior would be counterproductive and cause huge pressure on the other party.
Then, all the additional emotions disappeared, leaving only endless guilt that overwhelmed him day and night. If he had checked whether Jiang Yuan had swallowed the medicine, if he had been sensitive to Jiang Yuan's anomalies, if he had not pursued his excellence wantonly, if he had not messed with the robot that night, but stayed with Jiang Yuan .
Even if, he does not appear in the other person's life.
This is all his fault.
Jiang Yuan embarked on this path because of him.
He promised to watch him take the medicine.
If only he had discovered all this earlier.
Jiang Yuan will not die.
He became taciturn, unwilling to contact others, and was afraid of the next Jiang Yuan.
His insomnia was getting worse and he was unable to stay asleep in the early hours of the morning. It seemed that as long as he was awake, he could knock on Jiang Yuan's door as always, and what happened back then wouldn't happen.
The scene and the bang that often appeared in his mind also gave him nightmares.
Jiang Yuan's parents never wanted to see him again.
He became a sinner, a sinner in the eyes of Jiang Yuan's parents and a sinner in his own eyes.
Maybe to make up for the guilt in my heart. He collected evidence that Che Wu had exploited students and falsified scientific research over the years, wrote a Chinese and English version, and submitted it directly to mainstream media at home and abroad, the principal's mailbox, the domestic academic ethics association, etc.
Che Wu was punished.
What about him
What punishment should he, a sinner, receive
The school arranged psychological treatment for students who witnessed the scene.
Fu Dongsheng hired an authoritative psychiatrist for Fu Shize, but Fu Shize did not cooperate and only agreed to Fu Dongsheng living with them.
With the persuasion of his grandmother and parents, he returned to school.
Every corner is a clue to this memory. He couldn't concentrate at all, made frequent mistakes in experiments, codes, and articles, and his sleep and eating became extremely irregular.
He hated himself in such a bad way and felt that he had failed to live up to the expectations of his elders and mentors. However, he was unable to face everything that had happened in that building, nor could he face his inner conflicts and guilt.
He came up with the idea of dropping out of school and told his instructor about it one night.
"Fu Shize, you are crazy." Shi Xiangzhe was walking with him on campus at that time and almost kicked over the trash can next to him. The professor he had known for many years had turned white hair and his face turned red with anger: "I trained After all these years, Jiang Yuan’s matter has nothing to do with you, and the school has also punished Professor Che, so don’t even think about dropping out of school.”
Shi Xiangzhe believes that he has an unlimited future and a bright future.
Fu Shi raised his head and glanced at the crescent moon, his thoughts distracted.
He had all kinds of ambitions, and he also wanted to remain proud forever and ignore the world. However, apart from being considered outstanding and unique by the outside world, he was just a mediocre and fragile person.
He was unable to overcome obstacles and take the easy road as others expected. The guilt has made him unable to live a normal life.
Fu Shi was silent. Shi Xiangzhe looked at him for a long time and just sighed heavily: "Then take a rest for a while and come back when you are ready."
He dropped out of school.
Before returning to Nanwu, he walked to Jiang Yuan's work station and found that everything had been cleared away. He saw a torn photo on the table, a photo of the team when Unique won for the first time.
Walking out of the office, there is endless darkness at the end of the corridor.
In a daze, he heard the sound of a drone in his ears.
It's like going back to that summer.
With flowers in full bloom, the teenagers cheered and ran forward with smiles.
And he—
In that fresh flower bush, it withered silently.
After returning to Nanwu, Fu Shize spent most of his time in Jiangnanyuan.
He wanted to spend his last days with the old man. Later, when his grandmother was hospitalized, Fu Dongsheng and Chen Jinping arranged for him to work at EAW in order to reintegrate him into society.
Fu Shi was very cooperative, but when he had insomnia in the early morning, he often smoked and drank on the balcony in a daze.
Later, when he returned to Western University of Science and Technology, he suppressed the pain in his heart and forced himself not to think about Jiang Yuan. It was as if he had broken his own vulnerability just as others thought.
He also mistakenly thought that he had stepped out of the shadow of the past.
Jiang Yuan's birthday is coming.
This once again reminded him that the guilt he felt towards Jiang Yuan and Jiang Yuan's parents was an obstacle that he still could not bypass when he regained his strength and returned to normal life.
"After Zhou You found out about Jiang Yuan, he came to see me many times. But I couldn't face it." Fu Shize didn't want anyone to comfort him about Jiang Yuan, even if he was a former friend.
"Many people advised me to go out." Fu Shi lowered his head, and all the expression in his dark eyes disappeared, "I can't do it without blaming myself, that's my brother."
"There are many times that I want to tell you this." He habitually kept his tone steady and hid all his emotions: "But this kind of conversation will make the scene at that time appear repeatedly in my mind."
"Lili, can you please stop blaming me?" Fu Shize said with some involuntary hesitation: "There are many things that I don't want to remember."
The dusk was so heavy that his facial features could no longer be clearly seen. Even in this situation, Fu Shize's first consideration was that he hoped that Yunli would not feel sad that he was hiding something.
After Yunli heard the whole story, she looked at his slightly bent shoulders, hurt and helpless, and didn't know what to say for a while.
She shook her head: "I don't blame you."
As a bystander, Yunli knew very well that what happened to Jiang Yuan was not Fu Shize's fault. He had done everything he could.
"You have seen him." Fu Shize suddenly said.
Yunli was stunned for a moment: "When?"
"I was sitting in the auditorium on the side, and Jiang Yuan gave you the football."
“…”
Yunli thought of the person she met at that time. In the context of this memory, she felt sad and shocked by the other person's death. She was silent for a long time and then said: "You did very well at that time. That brother worked very hard, and so did you."
"I don't know what to say. I didn't want to advise you to forget this matter." Yunli thought of when Yunye got pancreatitis, and she almost collapsed. Her lips were dry, and she continued: "If Yunye had the same problem, I would rather trade my life for his, I would blame myself very much, and I may never forget it."
"When something happens to a relative, most people will blame themselves and feel that they have not done well enough. But..." Yunli thought of Jiang Yuan, her nose felt a little sore: "My relative will hope that we live well, and he should hope so too. "
She thought of the pair of canvas shoes on the red runway, and then—
She no longer remembers the other person's facial features, she only remembers that it was that afternoon and the other person's smile was warmer than the sun.
"You told me that you have known each other for almost twenty years. In the past, he was a very kind and gentle person. For such a gentle and kind person, even if he has endured a lot of pain, he will still hope that you will live a good life. Yes, he would like you to stop blaming yourself so much."
Yunli didn't think Jiang Yuan really blamed Fu Shize, or hoped that Fu Shize had never appeared.
She is more inclined to believe that Jiang Yuan was ill in the final stage.
Fu Shi did not respond.
Yunli looked at him. From the first time they met, he had been extremely thin and thin. He could only hold up his clothes with his skeleton. She felt that there were many things hidden in his heart, which also made him lose his former glory. .
Yunli pondered for a moment and asked, "Is there anything I can do?"
She didn't want to seek the comfort of long speeches, she just wanted to make him less sad within her own ability.
Fu Shi closed his eyes and opened them again. He looked ahead a little tiredly, and Yun Li's hand was a little cold.
"Stay with me."