From the day Lao Lin was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, Lin Zhaoxi knew that everything in the world could happen to anyone.
But thinking that "everything is no big deal", she still has no way to be so open-minded.
So she took some time to calm herself down, although her mind was almost out of touch with the environment at that time, and she was reacting to the surrounding environment purely by instinct.
The camping process is barbecue, camping overnight by the lake, and climbing the next day.
Lin Zhaoxi was assigned a three-person tent.
The girl who shared the tent with her took her outside the tent, she bent down and climbed in, and the girl stood outside the tent.
The men's outdoor jacket on her body is obvious. The girl stared at it for a while and said, "I've been waiting for you for a long time, the barbecue is almost cold, shall I take you to eat?"
Lin Zhaoxi took off her coat, revealing the wet T-shirt inside: "I changed my clothes and went, the rain was too heavy when I went down the mountain just now, and I was completely wet."
Her explanation made the girl relax: "Okay then, I'll go there first, you wait."
The other party left, and thoughtfully helped her zip up the tent.
The space instantly darkened, covered in haze.
Lin Zhaoxi sat cross-legged like this for a while, then took out a note from the pocket of the dress on her lap.
She looked at the above content, there were only two short lines, but it made her feel great panic.
She held the phone tightly in her hand, turned on the screen and watched it go dark, repeating this cycle, but in the end, she didn't type any characters.
—
Lin Zhaoxi stayed up all night.
The next day, everyone woke up early.
According to the schedule, today's main task is to climb the mountain.
The students were in high spirits, because they encountered a sudden rainstorm yesterday, which made others look forward to this trip to Nanshan Temple even more.
Everyone carried big bags and small bags, outdoor clothes and stormtroopers, and held the leftover baked buns and corn from yesterday.
Lin Zhaoxi stood at the gate of the campsite and said, "Be careful."
"Teacher, are you really not going?" Lao Wang asked pretending to be worried.
"I won't go anymore, I have a psychological shadow."
"We also have psychological shadows!" Old Wang and Ah Guang suddenly shouted, "Can we not go?"
"No, no." Lin Zhaoxi pushed them and drove them out, "You didn't go into the mountains and encountered a heavy rain, go and feel the call of nature."
Xie Ran smiled and stretched out his hand, while hooking one, and dragged the two of them out of the camp: "Student Lin is taking care of the camp."
Pei Zhichong nodded at her: "Be careful."
Lin Zhaoxi smiled and waved to them.
—
Watching the large army marching into the mountain, the camp by the lake suddenly became empty. Last night, the bonfire was still emitting a little green smoke, and the lake was sparkling in the distance.
It took Lin Zhaoxi a little effort to find a comfortable position. She sat cross-legged on the boulder by the lake, and began to read the main points of the defense that Pei Zhi raised on the bus yesterday.
Sometimes she would write some thoughts in the notebook, and sometimes follow the process summarized by Pei Zhi, thinking about the tricky questions that might be asked and the answers they should make.
When distracted, she would also pick up her mobile phone to check the progress of everyone climbing the mountain in the WeChat group.
Today's weather is very good, the mountain is windy and sunny, and the stream that surged yesterday has calmed down and flows quietly.
Lin Zhaoxi saw a photo of Pharaoh taking off his shoes and stepping in water. At that time, Ah Guang was going downstream and wanted to taste the water of the stream. In short, the picture below shows two people fighting together.
The sunlight sifted through the dense leaves of the mountain forest, and sometimes Lin Zhaoxi would see Pei Zhi into the mirror. His eyes were clear and bright, and soft spots of light fell on his face.
After about two hours, the whole team reached the gate of Nanshan Temple.
In the WeChat group, I began to post photos of the mountain top. In front of Nanshan Temple, there are two towering ginkgo trees.
She twirled her pen, stretched on the rock, put down her notebook, and began to look at the photos seriously.
Compared with the two towering ginkgo trees in front of the ancient temple, the temple itself is inconspicuous.
The courtyard walls are dark yellow, the bricks and tiles are old,
Maybe there are squirrels wandering around the gate, or maybe the smiles of the monks at the gate looking at the camera are too kind and peaceful. The whole temple seems to be completely independent of the whole space, and it is a real place outside the square.
She followed the pictures and entered the monastery with them.
The students obeyed the rules of taking photos. After entering the monastery, they only took pictures of mountains, trees, birds in the corners of the eaves and clouds on the top of the mountain.
She watched for a while the koi tailed in the short video, and Pei Zhi was holding on to the railing by the pond, just in time for the shot.
She returned to the WeChat chat interface and clicked on the dialog with Pei Zhi. The last record was the time they had dinner together before Hanamaki left.
Lin Zhaoxi typed a few words—are you free for a chat
The white waves lapping on the lake, the foam was soft, Lin Zhaoxi waited for a while, looked down at the reply, but the phone suddenly vibrated.
The word "Pei Zhi" on the caller ID made her flustered for a moment, but after pressing the answer button, she suddenly calmed down again.
"Morning." Pei Zhi said.
Holding the phone, Lin Zhaoxi said straightly, "Actually, it's getting late, it's almost noon."
"There are many trees in the mountains, the fog has not cleared, it still looks like morning." Pei Zhi said.
"Cough." She cleared her throat, "The sun is very bright by the lake."
"Have you put on sunscreen?"
Pei Zhi's voice was gentle, as if he had guessed her intentions, so he deliberately made some jokes to make her not so nervous.
Lin Zhaoxi's originally mustered courage suddenly dissipated, leaving only an indescribable sadness.
She changed her position to hold the phone, and the lake breeze blew her hair. She reached out and pinned those hairs behind her ears, and said slowly: "No, I forgot."
There was a slight whisper on the phone that Pei Zhi should be leaving. He was getting further and further away from the slightly noisy crowd, and he was also waiting for her to speak.
Lin Zhaoxi: "Whatever I'm going to say next, whenever you find it difficult to listen to or accept, you can just hang up the phone." She took a deep breath, "Really, it doesn't matter to me , you don't have to worry about it."
On the other end of the phone, Pei Zhi was still walking, and Lin Zhaoxi even felt that he might not even stop for a moment.
"You said yesterday that you want to come up to light the everlasting light?" Pei Zhi was very perceptive, he asked, "Now, you want to ask me some questions that may embarrass me, in order to give me a chance to choose not to answer and to ignore you in the future , so you didn't follow?"
"yes."
"Thank you, I understand." Pei Zhi said, "You can ask, there is no problem."
Lin Zhaoxi: "When it was raining yesterday, you lent me your coat. But I'm sorry, because of this reason, I accidentally saw some old injuries on your body. I remember that you are an MMA student, and you have bruises on your body It's normal, but those are stab wounds, and they don't look like surgery."
"It's a knife wound." Pei Zhi said, "It's certainly not because of surgery."
The person on the other end of the phone was so calm and as usual, Lin Zhaoxi took a deep breath and felt sad: "I know, I'm actually trying to pry into your privacy in the name of caring for you, it's inappropriate, even clumsy .But I thought about it all night, and I still want to ask two questions: What happened to you, and are you okay now?"
"Did you see that note?" Pei Zhi asked suddenly.
"Yes, I also saw the note in the clothes, I'm very, very sorry." Lin Zhaoxi didn't find any reason for the accident.
There was silence on the other end of the phone.
Lin Zhaoxi was ready for Pei Zhi to hang up the phone, but he heard Pei Zhi's voice: "No wonder you are like this." He said, "It's me who should say I'm sorry, but it doesn't have to be so serious, it's just a Sorry to scare you."
Lin Zhaoxi didn't know what to say, the lake was misty, and Pei Zhi actually comforted her instead.
"I don't quite understand." Lin Zhaoxi said.
Pei Zhi paused, and suddenly realized something: "You didn't call the phone number on the note?"
"I don't."
"Why?"
"What?"
"Why not call? You might get an answer straight away and be able to pretend you didn't know anything afterward."
"Although it's too nasty to say so, I care about you very much. If you see it, you can't pretend that you don't know." Pei Zhi is so sharp, Lin Zhaoxi can only answer seriously, "And I actually hesitated for a long time holding the phone. , but if you inquire about your privacy without your knowledge, it is obviously not respecting you."
"I understand." Pei Zhi's tone was very light, and he didn't mean to breathe a sigh of relief. He tidied up, "You care about me very much, and you were very worried after seeing the note, but out of respect, you must ask me personally. After careful consideration, you chose the method of calling. Once I am embarrassed by your question, I can hang up the phone directly. Do you use this method to show a determination to keep me out of sight?"
"Yes, if you hang up, I'll just buy a bus ticket and go home, and I promise I won't show up in front of you again."
There was silence on the other end of the phone, and Pei Zhi seemed to be stunned.
After a while, he said: "Just go like this, aren't you a little cowardly?"
"Don't be so sharp..." Lin Zhaoxi wanted to cry.
Pei Zhi almost smiled helplessly, and his tone was very gentle: "Honestly speaking, there is no need for you to be cautious here. This matter has passed for me for a long time, and there is no question for me to ask. But after understanding After your thoughts, all I can say is, thank you very much."
Lin Zhaoxi felt that Pei Zhi should go to an open place, she heard the wind and the thin and crisp birdsong.
She was silent for a while, before she could speak, Pei Zhi interrupted what she was going to say at the right time.
He narrated by himself, very calmly: "I just said that the note was a kind of preparation, because I have a family history of mental illness. The first call on the note was from Yongchuan Ciji Hospital. It is a A specialized brain hospital that treats many mental and psychological diseases at the same time. My former psychiatrist is now working there. And the second phone number on your note is his private mobile phone number."
Lin Zhaoxi opened the notebook on her lap. On a certain page, there was a note wet with rainwater. The handwriting was blurred but extremely calm. The two numbers on the note already had answers.
"The reason why I sought help from a psychiatrist was because I had short-term self-harm. When I was a teenager, I also had psychological conflicts that I couldn't handle well. The stab wounds on my body came from this."
The calmer Pei Zhi became, the sadder Lin Zhaoxi became: "Why...why?"
"Because my mother died."
The lake wind around her was suddenly cold, and her eyes turned red instantly. After a while, she tried not to sound trembling in her voice.
"how so?"
"Breast cancer." Pei Zhi replied, "As I said just now, I have a family history of mental illness, so my mother has always opposed my learning mathematics, thinking that problems in this field will cause me to have schizophrenia symptoms, just like my father."
"She was wrong."
"Yes." Pei Zhi's voice was slightly nostalgic, "but she was sick at that time and asked me not to touch mathematics again, and I agreed. After she passed away, the promise to her brought me great The psychological pressure caused me a lot of pain. Every time I read mathematics-related content, I have to self-mutilate in order to alleviate the guilt in my heart, draw two knives on my body, and no one can find out, so I can feel more comfortable.”
Pei Zhi's voice was so soft that people could hardly feel any pain, but Lin Zhaoxi felt unbearably uncomfortable.
"When did this happen?"
"The summer vacation of the third year of junior high school."
There are many unspeakable and unspeakable things, and there are answers at once.
That day, Pei Zhi was sitting in the cafeteria and told her that he had to go back. She didn't do much to keep her, and she didn't even have such a conversation now.
She regrets it very, very much.
"I'm sorry." Her voice was almost inaudible, "I'm really sorry..."
"You don't need to do this, you didn't feel sorry for me, and from the beginning to the end, the only person I'm sorry for is myself."
Pei Zhi's voice was calm and sober: "You're right. My mother's views are wrong. It's not correct for me to impose her wrong views on myself and make myself suffer."
He paused for a while, with a rare helpless tone: "But at that time, no one in the family cared about me, so it took me a while to realize that I couldn't go on like this."
"Then what?"
"Then, I went to the hospital and saw a professional psychiatrist. After entering the formal treatment process, I gradually realized that although I thought I was calm enough to escape the influence of my mother, her long-term anxiety disorder caused I have serious mental problems."
"Anxiety disorder?"
"Yes, it's also a certain type of mental illness. That's why she worried excessively and unreasonably that I would develop schizophrenia because of mathematics." Pei Zhi smiled almost self-deprecatingly, "Even my psychiatrist Say, maybe it's the genetic combination of schizophrenia and a person with severe anxiety disorder that can give birth to an outlier like me."
"No, you are amazing." Lin Zhaoxi said.
"It should be said that the profession is amazing." Pei Zhi said, "With the help of the doctor, I gradually realized that deep down, I actually agree with my mother's views. I was very afraid that I would lose my mind just like my father. Becoming a total lunatic. So I tried to keep myself sane in every way, from coming to him for help, and all the self-harm. The essence of it all was fear."
Pei Zhi made a self-summarization frankly, but Lin Zhaoxi remained silent for a long time.
The footsteps on the other end of the phone gradually stopped, and Pei Zhi seemed to open a door.
The wooden door squeaked, and Lin Zhaoxi seemed to hear someone saying "you are here".
She didn't know what Pei Zhi did, but it was probably a salute and a compliment.
"So the note you saw was a kind of treatment at that time. It helped me overcome the fear in my heart." Pei Zhi's voice was very soft, which made him appear more gentle, "And after the recovery, I still Keeping this note because it’s more of a reminder. Even if I do have a mental illness someday in the future, I’m prepared for it, so there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Pei Zhi was extremely calm.
Lin Zhaoxi's eyes fell on the note placed in the notebook - if you find something unusual about me, please call: 021-56823xx or 189765434xx.
Lin Zhaoxi thought that the two questions she asked had already received extremely candid and sincere answers.
— that's the way it is, and I'm fine now.
She covered her lips, tears dripped down the back of her hands, seeping through her fingers to the corners of her lips, bitter and astringent.
"Do you have any wish?" Pei Zhi paused, then asked her suddenly.
"I?"
"Yesterday, you seemed to want to come to offer an everlasting lamp, but now you can't come because of me, so I'm happy to do it for you." Pei Zhi paused, "And unfortunately, I also know some people, so I don't need to report to Shili Village Wang Meijuan's name can also be discounted."
"I transfer money to you through WeChat?"
"You don't need to look out of this way."
"How do you make a wish?"
"If it's convenient, tell me your wish. I'll finish it for you and put it under the ever-burning lamp."
"Then please make a wish for me." Lin Zhaoxi said.
"It seems that there is no way to make a wish."
"You don't need to be so alien." Lin Zhaoxi laughed softly.
Pei Zhi seemed to agree with her statement.
There was a short conversation on the phone, pay, pay, pick up the pen, offer the lamp...
A long silence followed.
"Are you ready?" After a while, Lin Zhaoxi couldn't help asking.
"alright."
"What's it like in your place now?" she asked.
Pei Zhi didn't answer, only a photo came along the Internet.
In the photo, there are candles flickering in half the room, and the towering green mountains are outside the wooden window. She seems to be able to see the mighty wind and the bright sky.
Lin Zhaoxi couldn't imagine how a 16-year-old boy, with great perseverance and wounds all over his body, tried to seek help after his mother passed away.
She also doesn't know how in-depth self-analysis a person needs to truly realize the most vulnerable part of his heart, and tell it to another person in such a calm way after a few years.
She may even never be able to figure out how much hard work Pei Zhi put in to become the person he is now.
He is extremely sober and never hesitates, knows who he is and what he will do, and he is always ready for bad luck.
Just before hanging up the phone, Lin Zhaoxi heard Pei Zhi say - "This place is beautiful, you should come and see it."