The hospital was very close to the shop where they drank mutton soup. After a five-minute walk, Lin Zhaoxi followed Lao Lin and stood outside a circle of gray and white concrete walls.
On a snowy night, the hall of the hospital was deserted and empty, and the health propaganda posters on the wall rattled and trembled because of the open windows.
If it wasn't for the two red letters "Registration" at the cashier in the lobby, Lin Zhaoxi would have thought that he had entered some ordinary old building by mistake.
She subconsciously grabbed Lao Lin's arm, and Lao Lin led her to the bench, dragged off her coat and spread it on the cold bench: "You sit first, I'll go to register."
Lin Zhaoxi let go, and at night, the heat came up again, and she shivered slightly from the cold, so she covered her knees with the overcoat that Lao Lin had taken off.
She looked around and found that the hospital was covered with terracotta floor tiles of the same age as the guest house they lived in, the lower part of the wall was painted with old green paint, and the chandeliers in the corridor were covered with green leather lampshades, and the bulbs gave off dim and dim yellow light.
In a trance, she seemed to go back more than ten years ago.
Although there were noisy and sharp voices in my ears, this feeling was clear and clear. Lin Zhaoxi pressed her ears, lowered her head, and hurried footsteps appeared not far away.
There were people rushing across the hall, there were doctors running wildly pushing the hospital bed, and there were also young people helping the elderly to see the doctor. Lin Zhaoxi could only see clearly the corner of the doctor's white robe that was swaying by. The hall was extremely dark, but the background outside the window was clearly daytime. She pinched the bridge of her nose, and when she looked up again, Lin Zhaoxi felt that she saw Lao Lin.
"Let's go." Lao Lin's voice sounded.
Lin Zhaoxi turned her head suddenly, and Lao Lin was not in front of her, but beside her. He held the registration form and the newly purchased medical records in his hand, supported her with one hand, and picked up the clothes on the wooden bench with the other. His body temperature is real, and his age is also in his 40s, unlike the old Lin she saw just now.
Just now... Lao Lin just now was wearing a gray jacket and a beige woolen sweater. He was walking into the hospital, looking at the floor map, and then walking towards the information desk. His young and handsome face flashed by.
Lin Zhaoxi turned her head and looked at the empty hall of the hospital in front of her, thinking that she probably had a fever. She stared at Lao Lin in a daze, and subconsciously asked a stupid question: "Are we really in the hospital?"
"Why are you not in the hospital anymore? Many chief physicians in Yongchuan's tertiary hospitals have retired and have nothing to do, so they all come here to make use of their spare time." Lao Lin explained.
They went straight and turned right, and there were noisy voices ahead.
There are quite a few queues in the corridor of the emergency department, even the benches are full. But if you look carefully, many patients are supported by someone, the road is slippery in snowy weather, and there are many patients with bruises.
"Father, you know this place quite well." Lin Zhaoxi said.
"I don't understand this." There was no seat, so Lao Lin asked her to stand against the wall, "I just understand how many people there are in a normal hospital in this heavy snow day."
Lin Zhaoxi hurriedly flattered her: "You are wise, Master Lin."
Lao Lin didn't speak, just stood beside her so that she could rely on her strength. There were people coming and going in the corridor, with broken voices, occasionally mixed with painful groans and bloodless faces. Lin Zhaoxi stared blankly for a while, then turned to look at Lao Lin, and asked, "Father, are you in a bad mood?"
"No." Old Lin said.
The corridor was obviously very noisy, but Lin Zhaoxi felt an unprecedented silence. Leaning against Lao Lin, she suddenly thought, in fact, what happened in the past is not that important, she will go back in a few days. The hospital that Lao Lin brought her to is a place to see a doctor, why do you think so much
It's just that when she comforted herself in this way, that clear and trance feeling came again.
The surroundings darkened, the sound disappeared, but the sky outside the window ahead brightened up again. At the other end of the corridor is the triage desk in the hall, and the sky outside the window is bright and transparent again. When he was young, Lao Lin was standing in front of the stage, asking a nurse some questions.
Far away yet very close, Lin Zhaoxi could almost see the frayed cuffs of his old clothes and the sudden anxious expression after hearing the answer, which made her eager to go up and hold him, asking what happened
"Lin Zhaoxi!"
Suddenly, an inexplicable and loud voice sounded.
Lin Zhaoxi looked subconsciously, and then returned to the noisy entrance of the emergency room.
"The next patient, Lin Zhaoxi." The doctor called out.
Lao Lin stood up straight and supported her.
Lin Zhaoxi looked at her father in shock, then turned to look at the triage table. It was pitch black, and there were no nurses or old Lin when he was young.
"What?" Lao Lin frowned and asked.
"It's okay." Lin Zhaoxi said.
—
After calming down, Lin Zhaoxi walked into the consulting room.
Sure enough, as Lao Lin said, the doctors attending the consultation are all retired old people. At least the old lady who sees her now has a childlike face and a gentle and dignified attitude.
The old lady took her temperature and asked her a few questions. When she heard that she had been coughing for more than half a month, the old lady frowned, stood up and said, "Let me listen to my lungs."
Lin Zhaoxi pulled up her sweater and bowed her back.
"It's okay to listen to the lungs, but I've been coughing for so long, so I'd better take a film." After listening to the old doctor, he opened a list, handed it back together with the medical record, and said, "Go straight out and turn right, and go straight in at the stairs. Walk."
Lin Zhaoxi had no choice but to stand up again and walk towards the stairs. She looked around, afraid to encounter the chaotic and unclear scene just now. But until she left the X-ray room, retrieved the film, and went to the consulting room, she never saw the young old Lin again.
Where did you go
She wondered about this question.
"We still need to hang some water." The old lady put down the tablet and began to write the prescription.
Lin Zhaoxi came back to her senses: "If you hang the water, will I be well tomorrow?"
"See if you can reduce the fever." The old lady said.
When I returned to the hall, everything was as usual.
After walking past the triage table, Lin Zhaoxi deliberately leaned there. She touched the table with her own hands, but felt that it was cold to the touch. But there was indeed no one in the triage desk, which was a normal scene after get off work.
She was slightly relieved, although she didn't know why she saw Lao Lin when she was young. But as a young man who has experienced time and space travel many times, no matter what she sees again, it should not be surprising.
She bowed her head and let go of her hands.
At about this time, she suddenly saw a letter.
The letter appeared almost out of nowhere, in the corner of her eyes, she turned her head quickly, and was passing by someone, the familiar and clear feeling struck again. She knew that she was passing by the old Lin when she was young.
Yes, Lao Lin in his 20s was running towards the stairs behind her. At the same time, Lao Lin, in his 40s, was in front of her, walking towards the toll window.
The two time and space, one bright and one dark, reflect each other.
Lin Zhaoxi's heart beat faster, and it started beating.
"Are you tired?" Lao Lin, who is in his 40s, stopped and asked him.
"Dad, I can't walk anymore, I want to hang water upstairs first."
Lin Zhaoxi looked in another direction, and Lao Lin, who was in his 20s, had already rushed up the stairs. She knew she had to keep up.
Before Lao Lin could respond, she started walking towards the spiral staircase. She couldn't hear what Lao Lin was saying at all. She only knew that if she missed the present, she might never catch up with the past, so she started to pick up the pace.
20 stairs, half a floor, a corner, and another 20 floors...
She was getting closer and closer to the old Lin when she was young, and she could almost feel the breeze brought by him when he ran.
Why the rush, what exactly are you looking for
Lin Zhaoxi raised her head while thinking, when she saw the word "Obstetrics and Gynecology", her heart trembled and she understood instantly.
She quickened her pace and followed closely behind Lao Lin, who was in his 20s. See him run, stop at the nurse's station, ask something, then run again. He walked through the maternity ward, and she followed, panting too.
Finally, when she was almost out of breath, the young Lao Lin stopped at the door of a ward.
He pushed the door open, and she followed suit.
There were seventeen or eighteen hospital beds parked in the room, and the noisy heat rushed to her face, and she was suddenly in a huge maternity ward.
There are more than 20 hospital beds in the innermost part of the space. Some people are greeting relatives, some are teasing babies, and some are peeling apples.
A strip of red peel fell down the knife edge, and she could even smell the milky scent of the newborn baby.
But all of this is just breath, no sound.
The sky outside the window is pure and flawless, but the ward is dim, like a layer of light-colored mist, and everything is only a hazy image.
At this moment, Lin Zhaoxi saw a hospital bed by the window.
There is a blue curtain drawn there, almost transparent in the sunlight.
Lao Lin looked around the ward and walked there.
Lin Zhaoxi was sure that the one who fell asleep on that bed was her mother whom she had never met.
She walked a few steps quickly, wanting to go over to see what she looked like, and to hear what they were talking about.
Lao Lin opened the curtain to enter the area of the hospital bed, but the flow of time was not dependent on her will. Before she got there, Lao Lin opened the curtain and came out again.
A corner of the sky-blue curtain fell, and Lin Zhaoxi almost touched it with his hand. At this moment, the entire ward dissolved like a lump of sugar.
Only the young Lao Lin is the only one who is clear and three-dimensional, and she can even see Lao Lin's eyes clearly.
It's hard to describe that look in words.
It seems that the clouds deposited in the sky when the torrential rain came, showed a heavy thick ink color, as if a downpour was about to hit.
But no rain, no tears, nothing.
Incomparably hollow.
The door of the ward was pushed open, and Lao Lin left. She had no time to think, and followed subconsciously.
He followed her, feeling his slow pace, and seeing him return to the nurse's desk, using the last ounce of reason to communicate something forcefully. Afterwards, the nurse called the doctor, and a man in a white coat stood in front of Lao Lin. He pushed his glasses and said a few words.
The space was completely silenced, and she tried her best to distinguish what the doctor was saying, but she couldn't hear anything.
The doctor turned his head and left, but Lao Lin was still standing there.
Like the similar plots in all movie clips, Lao Lin's last gaze made her feel sore.
She wanted to stretch out her hand to hold Lao Lin and tell him that everything was fine, but her hand passed through the air, the image melted away, and everything returned to nothingness.
The scene of the whole aisle is like honey falling into water, melting away. Before everything turned into water, she finally saw clearly the letter that Lao Lin was holding in his 20s.
Lin Zhaoxi couldn't believe her eyes, although she should have already.
A printed envelope with red letters on a white background, with a red stamped school badge and address on it, and the recipient is the English address of Lin Zhaosheng of Yongchuan University.
It was the admission letter from Old Lin Chu that she had seen before.
—
"Why are you standing here?"
When the voice sounded, Lin Zhaoxi shivered.
Lao Lin stood in front of her with a basket in his hand. In the basket are injections, and the transparent liquid shakes gently.
Lin Zhaoxi raised her head in a daze, his appearance was clear and three-dimensional, and at the end of the corridor was a scene of snowy night. This is 41-year-old Lin, the reality of the cheese world.
She didn't know how to answer Lao Lin's question, she avoided his gaze, turned around, only to find herself standing in front of a canteen.
The outline of the nurse's station is still there, and the original nurse's station was changed. The filament of the light bulb hanging from the top of the canteen trembled slightly, and the boss was looking at her with puzzled eyes.
On a snowy night, in a hospital, a girl with an anxious face facing the air, with a lonely lamp, the boss should be frightened.
Lao Lin put his hand on her forehead, the rough and cold feeling made her wake up a lot.
Lin Zhaoxi looked at the canteen, there were few items on the counter, most of them were cheap hospital supplies, as well as instant noodles and small breads. She glanced at it, and finally pointed to the sealed paper cup on the counter and said, "I want to drink milk tea."
Lao Lin didn't say "you can't drink when you're sick", and simply paid for it.
Lin Zhaoxi held the paper cup of milk tea, shook it gently, and walked forward with Lao Lin. The slight rustle of the undistilled tea bag eased her mood gradually.
The letter she saw just now was Chu's admission letter.
In the real reality of Strawberry World, Lao Lin received a letter from Professor Paul Gee asking why he didn't go to school, so she saw the scene just now, it should be the past of Cheese World.
Lin Zhaoxi continued to recall that the letter was very large and the envelope had not been opened. He couldn't put it in his pocket so he could only hold it in his hand.
So Lao Lin had just received his admission letter and walked into the hospital with his bright future, but because of what her mother said, he gave up everything
It was as if something extremely heavy was pressing on her heart, making her unable to breathe.
—
She walked through the long corridor with Lao Lin.
The bustling obstetrics department turned into a deserted corridor, the doors of the wards on both sides of the corridor were closed one by one, and only the light came out at the end.
Lin Zhaoxi walked to the door of the infusion room and realized that it was the maternity ward she had just been to.
Over the past ten years, the maternity ward has been converted into an infusion room with dozens of infusion chairs, but all of them are empty.
Lao Lin gave the prepared medicine to the nurse.
Lin Zhaoxi sat down.
The needle pierced the blood vessel, the cold medicine dripped in, the leather loop was untied, Lao Lin lifted her bottle, Lin Zhaoxi looked at the window where the hospital bed used to be, walked over and sat down opposite it.
The heavy snow fell outside the window, and she kept staring at the place opposite where the hospital bed used to be, still not understanding Lao Lin's giving up.
The scent of tea and milk mixed, Lin Zhaoxi looked down, and saw Lao Lin's hands that had become rough due to his long-term management of the park.
She finally couldn't help but said, "Dad, just now Professor Wang said 'stillborn', but you thought I was born dead, so why didn't you continue studying?"
Sitting down in the empty seat opposite Lao Lin, she didn't appear to be sluggish because of her question, but she didn't answer either.
"Isn't math your dream?" she continued.
"Let me think about it." Lao Lin's voice was soft, as if he finally understood what she was asking, "You can't understand why I gave up mathematics because of losing you?"
"Yes."
"Why don't you understand?"
"I think that a genius like you should be able to rationally weigh gains and losses and make the right decision."
Lao Lin still looked very relaxed, "What kind of decision is the right one?"
Deep in her heart, Lin Zhaoxi didn't know how to answer. But she knew that Lao Lin would ask such a rhetorical question, so she also said the answer she had prepared long ago: "I think the right choice for you is to continue studying mathematics, abandon sadness, seek natural truth, and work for the well-being of mankind."
Outside the window is heavy snow. Just at the time of seeing a doctor at this moment, the gray cement floor has completely turned white.
After a while, Lao Lin suddenly moved. He fumbled for something in his arms, and after a while, he took out a letter from the inner pocket of his jacket and handed it over.
Lin Zhaoxi lowered her head and froze.
It was a letter left by the old guard to Lao Lin before his death. The envelope was wrinkled, and Lao Lin seemed to have carried it with him for a long time.
At this time, Lao Lin shook the envelope and suddenly smiled: "Don't be afraid."
—
The envelope was thin and fragile, Lin Zhaoxi held it, but still didn't dare to open it.
Lao Lin said slowly: "Actually, I didn't go to the United States because everything happened too coincidentally for me. Although it sounds like I'm shirking responsibility, before I received that call, I really didn't know that you were going to born."
"At that time, I encountered accusations of plagiarism in academic papers. I was too focused on proving my innocence. Also because of plagiarism, my study environment in school was very bad, so I have been hanging around Sanwei University next door. I don't know your mother Already pregnant."
"As I said before, she is a very special girl. She puts personal independence and freedom of will first. We may not understand it, but we must respect her ideas. So I didn't receive it until before you were born. Call, the call is to the dormitory, your mother asked me to come to this hospital."
Lao Lin's narration was very organized and his tone was very calm, but in fact Lin Zhaoxi could tell that he still hadn't fully come out of that incident.
"And then?" she asked.
"And then I didn't make it in time."
Lin Zhaoxi shook her head, not understanding the meaning of his words. Lao Lin's eyes fell on the letter in her hand.
Encouraged by Lao Lin, she finally pulled out the letter paper.
The words are very standard lower case. Under the bright incandescent lamp in the infusion room, Lin Zhaoxi saw the first line of characters under the address
—Student Zhaosheng, for so many years, I have been thinking, if I hadn't held you back at that time, would you have lived a very happy life.
"After receiving your mother's call, I rushed to the hospital. Although I don't know why, when a girl like her said to let me go to the hospital, it must be when she needed me very much."
Lao Lin continued: "It was still very cold in February. I came out of the dormitory, walked through the main road of the school, and passed the reception room. I found my teacher standing there."
"What is he doing there?" Lin Zhaoxi was terrified.
"He saw my acceptance letter."
Lin Zhaoxi silently read the words "Feng Deming".
The difference between the two worlds, an admission letter, and an inquiry letter from Professor Paul Gee.
At that moment, Lin Zhaoxi felt goosebumps all over her body, and a guess that she had never had before emerged in her mind. She didn't even dare to listen to Lao Lin's words, but looked down at the letter in her hand.
—I didn’t understand it in the early years.
I boast that I eat a few more bags of salt than you, and I am a university concierge, so I must have more knowledge than you. So I don't understand what you did back then.
For example, I think that since Professor Feng stopped you and said he wanted to talk to you, you should stay. This is a rare opportunity for you.
Lin Zhaoxi couldn't understand: "What does he want to talk to you about?"
"My teacher didn't want me to go abroad, and I realized later that our earliest source of disagreement was when I told him I applied for chu."
Lin Zhaoxi couldn't understand, she lowered her head and continued to read the letter.
— Later, I learned that you gave up the opportunity to study abroad, and I was very sad.
Before you showed up at the door, I saw that Professor Feng was going to take away your admission letter, so I kept him for a while. At that time, I didn't know what went wrong between you master and apprentice. If I knew that you had such deep academic disputes, I would definitely not let him see that letter.
Lin Zhaoxi was heartbroken, and her voice trembled: "Professor Feng fabricated that you plagiarized your thesis, and even took away your admission letter. Why did he do that?"
"Why should I think about 'why did he do this'?" Lao Lin leaned forward slightly, a little seriously, "Look, Xiao Lin, this matter is actually a matter of my choice, not anyone else's."
"How could this be a matter of your choice?!"
Lin Zhaoxi heard her agitated voice resounding in the infusion room, and the patients watching TV from far away cast a glance at them, and then immersed themselves in the TV plot.
"Yes, Uncle Zhang stopped me and asked me to go into the reception room to talk to the teacher. But I was the one who walked into that room, and no one put a knife on my neck."
The calmer Lao Lin's voice was, the more Lin Zhaoxi could not accept what he said, and she felt that she was about to cry.
“I went in and saw my acceptance letter on the table and we talked about it. My teacher wanted me to stay on as his student and he would drop the plagiarism charge and give me a good academic environment, and would even help me in my future academic career. I declined."
Lao Lin didn't say anything about the reason why Professor Feng did what he did. He just narrated without personal feelings.
"But just because I chose to turn around and go into the reception room, I was already late at the hospital. Your mother told me two things: one, she was 8 months pregnant; two, because I didn't arrive just now, so she did Abortion surgery, the child is mine, but it's gone now."
Lao Lin finally got a little boyish: "I asked her why she didn't wait for me, and she told me that she had calculated how long it would take me to rush from the dormitory to the hospital, and the time I arrived had already exceeded the maximum interval, so she thought I would not coming."
A drop of transparent liquid medicine fell from the medicine bottle, and Lin Zhaoxi's heart shook violently.
It seems that at some point, Lao Lin also calculated the time for Pei Zhi to go home, but she never knew what this "maximum interval" meant.
The image of Lao Lin in her 20s running wildly in the hospital just now reappeared, and she even felt that the whole space became gray and transparent again. In the place opposite her where there was no hospital bed, a light blue curtain fluttered gently.
She really wanted to say something, but her throat was choked up, and she couldn't say anything at all.
"Eight months, if it is born, it can survive completely. Because of my insignificant turning around, my child lost the chance of surviving." Lao Lin seemed to be caught in a long memory, but his eyes were very clear.
"At the time, I was in great pain. I didn't understand why she did this, and she refused to give me a chance. I also knew very clearly that she was not to blame for this incident. It was my mistake in making the most important choice in my life."
"But you don't know."
"Student Xiao Lin." Lao Lin looked at her with a sudden smile. "Most people don't know how important they are before making important choices in life. This is fair to everyone."
—Why didn't you wait for me
-You are late.
It seems that there are very thin voices of dialogue, which sounded in the completely anechoic space.
25-year-old Lao Lin took his acceptance letter and left the ward in a daze. He rushed to the nurse's station and grabbed the doctor, but he got the same cruel answer.
—It’s a girl. If the labor is induced, the baby will be stillborn.
— Maternal life is in danger, and the process of inducing labor is legal, so it doesn’t matter where you go to complain.
—Yes, the child is hopeless.
"But I'm still alive." Lin Zhaoxi wiped away her tears vigorously, as if grabbing a life-saving straw, and finally thought of the most crucial point, "Haven't you ever doubted it?"
"I doubted it. But for me at the time, I imagined the possibility that my daughter was still alive, just to make myself feel better."
Lao Lin continued, "I first checked the specific process of labor induction. It is very cruel. It will directly inject rivanol into the amniotic cavity to kill the fetus. Then use drugs to induce maternal contractions. The process is the same as normal labor. .”
Lin Zhaoxi saw Lao Lin stretch out his hand and lightly tapped her forehead, which made her hair stand on end.
"In fact, my mother gave birth to me normally, and then sent me to the orphanage?"
"I don't know. I didn't know at that time." Lao Lin said calmly, "I just found out that it takes a certain amount of time for a normal parturient to undergo uterine contractions from the injection of rivanol. The conversation was a bit longer, and if she had gone to the hospital to induce the labor, maybe she wouldn't have given birth to a baby who was lethal so soon."
Lao Lin said: "I talked to her, and the reason she gave me was exactly the same as the reason that Dr. Living an independent life, I don’t want her husband and children to drag her life down. But I want to know why she was pregnant with you until 8 months, and then suddenly chose to induce labor at 8 months.”
The snow is getting bigger and bigger, and the windows are covered with thick water vapor. The cold winter has finally shown its power.
"Why?"
"Her roommate told me that her parents came from their hometown before that. There is another thing that I never knew. Your mother fainted during her first pregnancy. It was in Professor Feng's class that he sent her here. a hospital."
Lin Zhaoxi raised her head abruptly: "Mother was found pregnant and was forcibly taken to induce labor, Professor Feng knew?"
She finally understood why Lao Lin couldn't help but call his teacher when they met each other. He has endured so many years of loneliness, so many years, he wants to know the answer too much, no one has ever told him the answer.
"I don't know. Xiao Lin, look, these are the clues I got back then. From the medical evidence, you died because I didn't arrive at the consultation room in time. But for me..." Lao Lin looked at her and smiled "This is my topic. I can't accept the answers others gave me. In case one day, these people realize their conscience or say, my daughter falls into the rabbit hole and suddenly knows who her father is, I have to Wait for her to come and hold my leg and call Master, right?"
Lin Zhaoxi burst into tears.
She knew very well that Lao Lin's joke was just a comfort to her, but he never knew that he still had a chance to wait for her.
But he still didn't go abroad, he wanted to wait for an answer.
From the beginning to the end, this is not a bloody, tangled and complicated story full of good and evil human nature. It just stems from a trivial choice, and an almost hopeless persistence.
She looked at Lao Lin in front of her, and suddenly remembered that Lao Lin in real reality.
"Before you came to me, I thought every day, maybe in a certain world, I rushed through the reception room without hesitation. Then I took my daughter and grew up with her. Life may be very bitter, But it must be fun."
Lao Lin in that world didn't have an admission letter because he never got one.
He didn't turn around, didn't stay, didn't talk, he rushed to the hospital without hesitation, ahead in the race against time and humanity.
The old guard's letter had come to an end, and Lin Zhaoxi saw the last line.
—I am already old. When I get old, I will only realize where I went wrong when I recall what happened back then.
Before your math and your conscience, you want the latter.
Zhaosheng, I owe you an apology.
Zhang Damin
at home
The milk tea was already cold, with only a faint fragrance wafting over it.
The snow outside the window was heavy again, and there was a soft and fluffy luster under the street lamps. The door to the courtyard below was pushed open with a creak.
Lin Zhaoxi looked out the window and saw 25-year-old Lao Lin walking into the small courtyard behind the hospital.
The iron benches under the street lamps were covered with white snow, only the long black and slender sides were exposed.
The young Lao Lin just sat in the heavy snow and opened the admission notice in his hand. Covering his face with his hands, he bowed and wept bitterly.
Lin Zhaoxi slowly raised her head, looked at the 41-year-old in front of her, and suddenly understood: "Actually, you always know what you want."
"Yes, I know." Lao Lin smiled.