Fu Cuo opened his eyes, and the light blue light from outside the window filled the bedroom. He has had insomnia for days and nights. People are really strange animals. When the two-month deadline was agreed, the body seemed to understand it at that moment. Every day in these two months, every cell was burning desperately for him. The two-month deadline was finally fulfilled. It was almost here, and they seemed to feel it too, the burning power was fading away like flying, as if to remind him that it was time to say goodbye.
But he wasn't ready.
The curtains are thin, the light is very dim, the outside world is hazy, wrapped in fog, and a large area of mountains and forests surround them, and they cannot hear the hustle and bustle of the city. During the two months he lived here, he didn't know what happened outside, and he didn't know what day of the week it was. Every day was the same. Time seemed to have stopped here. He and Sui Qingchi wrote like they would never grow old. Singing and making love.
The only thing that reminds him of the time is the medicine in the bottle, which is exactly two months' worth, so when the medicine is finished, the time will come.
He turned his head and looked at Sui Qingchi, the lead singer of Xifeng who would always sleep on his stomach. He had looked at him like this for many nights and many more mornings, and he still felt regretful. No matter how much he missed, he couldn't make up for it.
On this day, when he went downstairs and opened the medicine bottle again, his heart sank.
When Sui Qingchi woke up, the bed was empty, but the door of the bedroom was open, he could hear the sound of the acoustic guitar coming from downstairs, familiar chords, but a somewhat sad melody, he turned over, wrapped Lying on the bed with the quilt on his back, raising his hands behind his head, looking at the ceiling and listening quietly.
Although the tune is sad, there are many things he is familiar with, bitterness, sweetness, wind, and fleeting time.
When he went downstairs, Fu Cuo was sitting on the sofa with his wooden guitar in his arms. On the tea table in front of him was the finished tablature, under a medicine bottle.
Sui Qingchi went over to pick up the score and found that the bottle was empty. Fu Cuo put down the guitar and said, "I've run out of vitamins."
Sui Qingchi picked up the six-line staff and said, "Do you want me to accompany you to buy?"
Fu Cuo looked at him, Sui Qingchi looked at the score seriously, went to sit beside him, looked at it for a long time with hunched back, and then said: "It seems a little sad."
"You can write less sad words." Fu Cuo said, seeing that Sui Qingchi was still looking down at the score, as if thinking, said, "Come with me to a place today."
"Okay." Sui Qingchi smiled lightly, put down the score, and turned to look at him, "Finally want to go out? Where do you want to go?"
The score was placed forward on the coffee table by him. Fu Cuo looked at the slightly spread out score, stretched out his hand to put them in order, and said, "Buy medicine, and then turn around casually."
Sui Qingchi nodded, picked up the medicine bottle, looked at the body of the bottle, and said, "You can also buy more messy things like vitamin B, vitamin C, and so on."
"Are you laughing at me?"
"No." Sui Qingchi put down the bottle and looked at the small medicine bottle on the coffee table, "I love this stuff, at least you don't have a nosebleed anymore."
They went out after breakfast, because Fu Cuo said that he hadn't been in the city for a long time and wanted to go around more.
Before leaving, Fu Cuo waited for Sui Qingchi at the porch with the key. Sui Qingchi locked the bedroom door and came downstairs. He was wearing an autumn and winter jacket with lambswool lapels. . The dog Dongdong ran ahead of him, its white fur fluttering in the wind.
Sui Qingchi went to the entrance, bowed his head, put on a pair of short boots, knelt down and tied the shoelaces, Fu Cuo looked down at the top of his head, then looked at the dogs around Sui Qingchi who were reluctant to leave, and asked, "Your hair is as good as the dog's hair?" Which one has softer fur?"
Sui Qingchi stood up and said, "Is there any comparison between the two? No matter how soft my hair is, I won't shed it."
Fu Cuo rubbed the big dog sympathetically: "You were often scolded by him when you changed your hair."
Sui Qingchi said: "I will scold it when it changes its fur next year, but you can scold me."
"You don't have to scold him." Fu Cuo said.
"But I want to hear Brother Fu Cuo scold me." Sui Qingchi smiled and pushed open the door.
The cold wind rushed in after his smile, and the sky outside was a bit blindingly blank. Fu Cuo stood behind Sui Qingchi, blocked by his back from the cold wind, unconsciously wrapped in a coat.
It turned out that it was already so cold outside.
Sui Qingchi drove the car, and the Grand Cherokee took them all the way to leave the paradise behind them. Slowly, the tree line and thick fog faded out of sight, and tall buildings, tunnels and bridges began to appear in the field of vision.
Fu Cuo looked out the window silently, even though the city was noisy and turbulent, he still couldn't let it go.
The car was parked outside the pharmacy, he got out of the car to buy medicine, Sui Qingchi was waiting for him in the car. He bought two bottles of vitamin B, and there was only one bottle of this brand of vitamin B on the shelf. With both hands on the steering wheel, he was looking at this side without blinking.
Once again, he was moved by the peaceful beauty of the car window, and wanted to remind Sui Qingchi that you are too conspicuous, please raise the window glass, it's not that you can't see the outside. But the power of beauty makes people speechless.
Many years ago, it was from a similar angle and the same scene. He was listening to the song of LOTUS in the video store, and when he turned his head inadvertently, he saw Sui Qingchi, who was still a junior high school student, standing under a tree full of colorful lights, using his The incomprehensible soul looked at him with out-of-body eyes. I don't know how long I watched it.
Being peeped by such beauty, everyone will feel that Sansheng is lucky, what can he do.
After a while, he came out with two bottles of vitamin B, threw one bottle to Sui Qingchi, and said, "It's for you."
Sui Qingchi caught it, put it aside, and said, "I don't need it."
"You will need it," Fu Cuo said, bowing his head to fasten his seat belt, "you have to live well."
Sui Qingchi smiled and started the car, asking, "Where are you going?"
"Go ahead."
To the west of the CTR campus is the bar where Tan Si works. To the east, Fu Cuo remembers a church called St. Joseph Church. When he was studying at CTR, it was very lively near the church on Christmas Eve. Tan Si and AK had also been there. He felt that he and Sui Qingchi might be the only ones who had not been to the whole CTR.
On Christmas Eve, Sui Qingchi always didn't want to go anywhere, he just wanted to nest in their small single room of less than 30 square meters. On Christmas Eve of the first year they lived together, Sui Qingchi posted on Weibo One: People are everywhere outside, it's suffocating.
Although he has a good figure and plays basketball well, he is really a bit of a homebody, and he has no desire for the outside world at all of his peers. Occasionally they passed the church, and he asked Sui Qingchi, "Have you ever gone in?"
Sui Qingchi glanced at the gate of St. Joseph, with a very uneasy tone: "What are you going to do?"
All right…
Fu Cuo never thought that one day he would come here, so he brought Sui Qingchi with him.
There was no one in the church at this time. When he walked in, he found that it was bigger than he imagined. There were empty seats and tall pillars on both sides of the corridor. It was the first time he walked in here, looking at the cross of Jesus in front of him, as if he could really Feeling some kind of power, his mood was as calm as water, and it seemed that even the death that was close at hand was no longer hideous.
Sui Qingchi behind him didn't come in for a long time, he turned to look at him.
Only then did Sui Qingchi take off his sunglasses, and walked across the long corridor, his boots knocked on the floor, even though he walked very lightly, he could still hear footsteps in the empty space. Sui Qingchi stood beside him and said, "Actually, I'm a little afraid of coming to this place."
"why?"
"I'm afraid that you asked me to come here, which is not what I thought."
The emptiness in the church made his voice seem to have a deep echo.
Fu Cuo looked at Jesus suffering on the cross, and said, "I'm a rock player. I didn't believe in God, but standing here, I always feel that God really exists, and we are all under his watch." He looked at Sui Qing Chi, "I'm also afraid of coming here, because standing here, I can't lie."
Sui Qingchi looked up at the cross, but did not respond.
"Sui Qingchi," he said, "when Tan Si left, what were you thinking?"
Finally asked the question.
He already understood that he didn't need Sui Qingchi's apology at all, whether it was to reorganize Xifeng, help Zhong Dao, or say that he was wrong... Sui Qingchi did so many unnecessary compensations, but it was useless at all. Still in pain, still confused. This tumor finally made him realize that Tan Si's death was not Sui Qingchi's fault, it was just an accident that no one wanted to see happen. From the beginning to the end, he only wanted to know Sui Qingchi's true inner thoughts.
What he cared about was Sui Qingchi's avoidance of talking about it, and the affection he owed Tan Si after being absent for so many years.
Sui Qingchi was silent for a long time, for a long time they could only hear the traffic outside the church. Then he finally heard Sui Qingchi say:
"I was jealous of him."
Fu Cuo turned to look at him blankly, this was the first time he heard Sui Qingchi tell the truth that he didn't expect.
Sui Qingchi took a step forward, put his hands on the back of the bench beside him, and looked at the savior above him: "Maybe you think I'm stupid, and I think I'm stupid too, but at that time there was no There is a way to get out of this dead end, until he died, I suddenly felt that the sky was falling, I don’t know why it happened like this, I was afraid to think of him at that time, and then you disappeared, I don’t know where to find you, if you Disappeared in my world like this, AK will never let me find you, he must hate me, everyone we know, will not let me find you, the only person who will tell me where you are, I know Only Tan Si." At this point, he paused for a long time, "... so I dare not think of him, but at the same time I can't help but think of his good things, thinking that it would be better if all this hadn't happened. I have no right to be jealous of him I have no right to be jealous of him or to be dissatisfied with him, because he grew up with you, and you are close friends. I am the one who came later, and he accepted me so that I can go to you around."
The church was empty and quiet, like a huge sound filter. Fu Cuo looked at Sui Qingchi's back. He finally learned the secret that was suppressed in Sui Qingchi's heart today. It felt like when he was listening to music in a CD store or buying medicine in a pharmacy, he turned around inadvertently and saw Sui Qingchi who had been standing there watching him for an unknown how long. Surprised and confused, wanting to blame, but thinking how could it be his fault
And that friend who watched cats catch mice with him, helped him fight, learned bass for him, and never left him when he lost his dear ones. A smiling face with faint dimples. He could finally think of Tan Si in front of Sui Qingchi, he looked at the church scene a little bit blurred in front of his eyes, and couldn't help lowering his head.
"Sometimes I even hope that the one who dies is me," Sui Qingchi said, "I can replace him and continue to be your good buddy, so that you will forgive me for the ridiculous things I did, all my mistakes, You will put me in the deepest and most unshakable place in your heart because of losing me, so that I will never have to be jealous of anyone, and sometimes I feel as if this is enough..." He looked at the Christ statue, gently Sighing, "That's really enough."
When I was asked to play "Band Frenzy" as a babysitter, I declined, and I chose Zephyr on my phone. I thought it would be an opportunity. When our car was stuck in the driveway at the same time, I asked you to go first. Let's go, I watched your car go away, I thought you could sense it, thought you were looking back at me, I said the guitar player is great, I said you are two years older than me, when I smiled, I was afraid that I didn't laugh right, I thought you all sensed it. In the end you changed the lyrics, it was obviously still a Ferris wheel, why did you change the lyrics? I thought about this question over and over during that song, and I think it's because you don't want to. You do not want.
You don't want anything to do with me anymore, you just want to tell me this.
In fact, there are obviously other explanations, but I just believed the one that I shouldn't believe.
I was such a hopelessly rotten person that I finally screwed everything up.
Those memories are still lingering like nightmares, so that he feels so ashamed of his happiness today: "... It seems that when people feel that they are unlucky, they will never realize how many wrong things they have done. They always feel that it is others who are wrong. What was wrong is this world, now I finally got what I wanted, and looking back..." His voice dropped, "It was wrong all the way. People like me don't deserve so much, right?" He turned around Look at Fu Cuo.
Fu Cuo didn't answer. Compatible or not, you and I are just laughing at each other. "It's your turn to ask me," he said.
Sui Qingchi hesitated. Standing here, there is no way to lie. He was afraid of hearing Fu Cuo's honest answer. Only today did he realize that the happiness these days is like a castle in the air, and it may collapse in the next moment. But, even so, he Also want a truth, don't want to be false. So like a person who is afraid of heights walking up a cliff, he sincerely asked in fear:
"Did you ever hate me?"
Fu Cuo's eyes flickered for a moment, his eyes were like the sea under the cliff.
"... When Tan Si died." He said.
When Tan Si died, I once hated you helplessly for a short time, not so much because I hated you, but because I hated why it was you who caused the butterfly effect.
Sui Qingchi's eyelashes trembled, and he took another step closer to Na Hai: "Then when did you decide to love me again?"
"...I'm undecided."
Sui Qingchi stared at him with wide eyes, her heart beating unsteadily.
Fu Cuo smiled wryly, turned to the compassionate Christ statue, and said, "I'm just pretending to hate you very much, but at the same time I can't stop loving you. I imagine spending my whole life with you like this, and I can't spend it in the end."
The emptiness in the church disappeared in that second, and all kinds of sounds from the world came in again, such as traffic, human voices, birdsong, and lively and lively sounds. Sui Qingchi stared at Fu Cuo, his eyes soon filled with tears, he opened his mouth, trying to suppress the trembling and choking, and said, "Then your acting skills... are great."
The last three words were still broken, like broken high notes, so broken that it was hard to hear. Sui Qingchi is a singer who has never broken his voice even when he sang high C. At this moment, he looked like a person who had been frozen in the wind and snow. Fu Cuo couldn't help but stepped forward to hug him, Sui Qingchi's broad back shivered tremblingly at that moment, and his forehead firmly pressed against his shoulder.
The person in his arms was clearly two centimeters taller than him, stronger and more powerful than himself, but Fu Cuo suddenly felt that he was hugging the junior who was half a head shorter than him, the rebellious younger brother who needed him to watch all the time, and Xifeng The long-awaited teenage lead singer. He needs him so much.
"Sorry for lying to you for so long," he said.
Sui Qingchi's arm passed under his shoulders, and hugged him tightly from the back from bottom to top, so tight that he could even resonate the violent ups and downs of his chest, and smell the choking smell of his tears.