Song Xuan accompanied Ji Huai to the hospital.
The doctor was a psychiatrist whom she had made an appointment through her connections. He had good qualifications and a good reputation as a person.
After Ji Huai sat down, she walked out and waited for him in the corridor.
He walked back and forth many times, raising his wrist from time to time to check the time. He didn't come out for half an hour or an hour.
"boom!"
"I don't!"
Suddenly there was a fierce sound inside. Song Xuan was startled and quickly walked over to open the door, only to find that the door was locked.
She was getting more and more anxious outside.
After a while, the door opened from the inside, and Ji Huai walked out of it with his head lowered, his whole body filled with a decadent aura, and he looked at her.
There were very complicated emotions in his deep eyes, including guilt, embarrassment, sadness, embarrassment and embarrassment, and a little uneasiness.
Song Xuan said nothing, stretched out her hand to hold his, and forced a smile, "Can we go back?"
Ji Huai nodded slowly and said nothing.
"Then..." Song Xuan glanced at the doctor and thanked her sincerely, "Doctor, we will leave first, thank you."
"Yes." The doctor nodded.
It has been raining for the past few days. Song Xuan held an umbrella in her hand. Ji Huai beside her remained silent. The atmosphere was a bit heavy. She was also thinking wildly in her heart. Is the matter serious
"Let's go to the bookstore first. I want to buy books." Ji Huai said suddenly.
"Ah? Oh, okay, let's go now." Song Xuan thought she heard it wrong at first. What book should I buy? She quickly reacted and followed him, "I remember there is a big bookstore here, on the second floor of that shopping mall. Shall we go there now?"
"kindness."
The bookstore on the second floor.
Ji Huai walked inside and looked carefully at the books on the bookshelf, row by row.
Song Xuan doesn't know what book he wants to buy. He is not a person who likes to read. He likes to play games with He Chenxiang the most. He also likes to drink and chat. Did the doctor say anything to him
Ji Huai stayed in the psychological area.
"Counseling and Treatment of Psychological Disorders", "Self-Treatment of Psychological Disorders", "What is a Psychological Disorder?" 》…
Song Xuan watched him take down a book. As long as it was about psychology, he took down all the books. Finally, he picked eight books and turned to look at her, "Do you want to buy a book?"
"I want to buy it too. I want to read history books recently." Song Xuan nodded, afraid that he would be reading a book and she would sit aside and not know what to do.
She chose a history book, thinking that it was too expensive in bookstores, so she went back to order a series online.
Ji Huai took it to check out together, and even applied for a membership card, which gave him a discount.
He carried the book and the two of them walked back.
Along the way, Song Xuan looked at him out of the corner of her eye several times and hesitated to speak. When she got home and went downstairs, she still didn't say anything out loud for fear of hurting him.
After entering the elevator, Ji Huai looked ahead, his voice low and hoarse, "The doctor said that I have a psychological disorder, which may be accompanied by anxiety. I am still on the verge of mild mania. I will self-anaesthetize and escape myself, and may even develop into depression." disease, hurting others, or hurting yourself.”
Although Song Xuan has heard of these terms and learned a little bit about them when she was in school, she is not a major and has just ignored them. She is also a layman when it comes to these mental illnesses. "Well, what does the doctor recommend?"
In fact, these issues are quite complex. There is still relatively little research on mental illness in the medical field, and she feels a little heavy.
"Try to self-regulate, divert attention, self-intervene, and in serious cases, you may take medication to intervene." Ji Huai said, looking sideways at her, expressionless, or in other words, he was still in the stage of disbelief and had not yet clearly understood. aware of this problem.
"Well, mood is very important. When it comes to psychology, few people are absolutely healthy. There are more or less problems. Drugs hurt the body, but it still needs to be adjusted by its own mechanism. The human body is a very powerful self-regulating machine. He will definitely recover." She comforted him.
Self-regulation is the best, as long as it can achieve clinical cure, she is really afraid that he will get worse. Mental illness is more terrible than physical illness. It destroys the body and mind, from the inside out, completely. What will she do then?
The elevator door opened, but Ji Huai didn't step out. He stared at her face with a stubborn look and a hint of hope, "Really?"
"Of course." She nodded affirmatively.
Before she finished speaking, she felt as if Ji Huai breathed a sigh of relief, pressed the door button, held her hand and walked out.
Song Xuan looked at his figure with worry in her eyes.
When Ji Huai went to take a shower, she called the doctor to find out more about the situation. She felt really uneasy and restless.
What the other party said was roughly the same as what Ji Huai said, but in the end he emphasized, "In fact, he has been suppressing it and has not exposed it. I guess you played a big role in it."
Song Xuan didn't quite understand.
The doctor told her that based on the current situation, there may be two extremes. Ji Huai only has her by his side, and may use her as a vent object. Then she will be injured, because his body functions will shift to protect himself. means, this is instinct. The other one, she will pull him out of it, which is often said to be the power of love.
It's hard for the doctor to judge which one it is now, because Ji Huai is not sick. At most, he has a shadow of his childhood. He has obstacles in his heart, and they are all suppressed, and he is on the verge of breaking out.
Song Xuan hung up the phone and looked at the dark sky in the distance outside the window, feeling unspeakable in her heart.
She didn't even believe in the power of love. Ji Huai had quarreled with her so many times. Looking back, it was obvious that he had vaguely regarded her as a vent object. All of this seemed to have an explanation.
She understands the fragility of life and the ruthlessness of disease better than ordinary people. The reason why miracles are called miracles is not what ordinary people expect. But Ji Huai is better. He is not terminally ill. After treatment, he can live a normal life. As long as the knot in his heart is untied. , let go of those obsessions and resolve the shadows.
"Would you like to order barbecue and drink?" He Chenxiang's voice came from outside.
"No." Ji Huai was not in a high mood. As soon as he finished speaking, he opened the door and walked in. He looked at Song Xuan who had put away his emotions in a hurry, "Do you want to take a shower?"
"I'm going." Song Xuan's tone became much nicer to him.
How should I put it, although he had hurt her during the quarrel, she felt relieved when she thought that he himself was not feeling well. Maybe it couldn't be cured, but she still didn't want to leave him at this time.
I can't bear it, and I can't bear it either.
After returning from the psychiatrist, Ji Huai was not in a very good mood.
I just read every night. I don't go to drink with He Chenxiang or play games. I just read in my room. When I read, most of them frown, sometimes in confusion, sometimes in anger.
Sometimes I would have dinner with her after get off work and go to work together in the morning.
When Song Xuan came home from get off work, Ji Huai didn't talk and laugh with the two of them in the hall as before, but stayed in the room. She sighed helplessly in her heart.
Her loneliness has been reduced a lot. Even in a shared apartment, Ji Huai is with her and never leaves her alone. When she comes back, she only needs to cross the hall to find their small home. She doesn't want much. It was what she wanted before. If he stayed with her like this more, the two of them would not quarrel so much.
However, it made her very sad to think that this was because he knew she was sick and was in such a state.
She opened the door, and he leaned on the bed and read a book again. He read it over and over again, sometimes thinking about it for a long time, with his eyes struggling.
After Song Xuan washed herself, she got under the quilt, leaned against him, and asked, "What time did you get home from get off work?"
"I'll get home at half past six." Ji Huai replied.
"Then what did you have for dinner? Did you order takeout or eat with them?" She was looking for a topic. She got off work a little late today and had already eaten when she got home.
"Tian Shao works the night shift and ordered some maocai with He Chenxiang." Ji Huai reached over her head, hugged her, and played with her hair, "When did you get off work?"
"I didn't come back until nine o'clock. The hospital has been busy recently and there are few manpower. Zhang Jie asked for leave to have a miscarriage. The new nurse doesn't know much about it. It may be a little later in the next few days." Song Xuan then put his book On the side, he put his hand on his frowning brow, stretched it for him, and said half-jokingly, "Why do you always frown? Aren't you afraid of getting wrinkles?"
"What am I afraid of as a man?" Ji Huai didn't care at all.
"Like a little old man." She said with a smile again,
Ji Huai also laughed, and continued what she just said, "If you get off work late, I will pick you up."
He goes to and from work regularly, and has weekends off. His work is not difficult, and his salary is not bad. It's just average, not bad, not bad.
"Won't it be troublesome? I can come back myself." Song Xuan spoke softer and quieter.
He used to pick her up, every day at first, and the two of them chatted and joked on the road. That was the happiest time. Later, he often ate, chatted, and drank with He Chenxiang and others, so he rarely went there. Occasionally If you call him and ask him to deliver something, he will still go.
But she still wanted him to pick her up. In the past, the two of them would hold hands and chat and walk back. When they came back, it was very late. It was time to pack up and go to bed, so that she would not be left alone in the room.
"You won't be lonely when we come back together. I have nothing to do anyway." Ji Huai answered.
"Then you come and pick me up." She put her arms around his neck without any hesitation, "You can't break your promise."
"Yeah." He nodded.
Song Xuan's eyes fell on the book he was reading again, and she asked cautiously, "How are you doing with your reading?"
Ji Huai is much calmer now, but she is afraid that this is the calm before the storm, and she is also afraid that he will get into trouble and his condition will worsen by then.
"Just like that, some things can be understood, and some are not clear, but I didn't become like this for no reason." Ji Huai looked at her, his eyes changed, and he was slightly excited, "I wasn't like this before! "
"I know." Song Xuan also nodded, strongly agreeing with him.
Ji Huai's eyes dimmed again, he was angry and impatient. Finally he closed his eyes and hugged her in his arms. The strength was a little stronger, but Song Xuan didn't dare to move and hugged him. "It's okay. It's okay." Past.”
"I want to kill someone." Ji Huai's low tone echoed in the silent room.
Song Xuan's face turned pale with fright.
"I used to always think about how to kill her, how to kill someone without anyone noticing. I hate everyone, and I hate living, but I don't want to die. I don't want to die."
"I don't want to see her. She always appears in a very annoying way. When I see her, I feel bad. I feel like hitting someone."
…
Song Xuan listened to him talking continuously, as if he was venting. No wonder he went back to Ji's house and was always in a bad mood when he came back. If he wanted to quarrel with her, the more violent the quarrel, the better. Sometimes she didn't want to quarrel, but he wouldn't comply. No mercy.
"Then you hate me too?" Her tone was a little disappointed. She didn't know how to warm a world-weary heart. Maybe she was a person who was incompetent in love.
Confused and sad.
"I don't hate you, I love you." He said it without hesitation, and hugged her a little tighter, "You are different from her."
"Then have you thought about your future with me?" She asked the question she had always wanted to ask.
Hearing this, Ji Huai stiffened and did not reply to her for a long time.
Song Xuan guessed it and wanted to cry a little. He had never thought about the future or marriage, so he didn't care where he lived, so he would not move out because there was no future.
She came to live with him because she wanted to get married.
"I don't want to have a child and repeat this kind of life." Ji Huai looked at her again, very seriously, "When you are born, you will suffer. Why give birth? Why get married?"
Seeing Song Xuan glance away and not knowing what to say, he hesitated and said: "We can continue to live together like this without having children."
Song Xuan is a traditional girl who wants to get married and have children step by step and live an ordinary life. She did not answer, but whispered softly, "Go to sleep, I'm a little sleepy."
"Isn't this bad?" he asked again.
She got up from his arms and reached out to turn off the light. The room instantly became dark. Ji Huai pulled her over again, held her with both hands, and asked again, "Then what do you think?"
She still didn't speak.
Ji Huai was impatient and irritable. He reached out to turn on the light and stared at her, asking for an answer, "Why don't you speak?"
There was no trace of sleepiness in Song Xuan's eyes. She looked at him, struggled for a while, and finally said, "Ji Huai, when you feel better, I will move out."
"I told you, I won't move until the one-year contract expires..."
"You are here, we... are not together anymore." She interrupted him, her tone was very gentle, and she tried to speak as easily as possible, "I can stay with you for this period of time, even a year, but not for a few years, I still I have a life and a purpose.”
"You mean breaking up? Just because you don't want to get married?" He was very emotional and kept questioning her.
Song Xuan was sad, but did not escape, "Ji Huai, this is not the life I want."
"Is it because of my illness? You said it clearly." His face was ashen.
Based on previous experience, Song Xuan knew that he was on the verge of an emotional outburst and was going to start a big argument again. She tried to slow down her voice and said, "It's not your illness. You said you love me. The so-called love means letting me rent a house here to accompany you." If I live a life without any plans, goals, or future, what will happen after the love is gone? What else do I have?"
"Whether you're not married or you're a DINK, it all has a future. Does it mean that one day at a time, it's the future you planned for me? I'm very sad, but I know that this kind of life has no future."
His expression was ugly. She didn't dare to provoke him any more and quickly changed the topic, "Don't talk about it now. We haven't reached that point yet, so we won't talk about it anymore."
"Then let's get married." Ji Huai made a concession. After saying that, he had a complicated expression about the next step of having children. He moved his mouth several times but did not say anything out.
"Don't force yourself, go to sleep." Song Xuan didn't want to embarrass him. When his condition improved, she would be relieved to leave.
At night, neither of the two people lying on the bed could sleep.
I don't know how long it took before Ji Huai's worried voice came over, his tone was bitter, "I don't have a plan because I just want to live. I'm afraid I won't like the child I have with you, and you will be very sad. I don't want to make you sad." sad."
It sounded a little helpless, and Song Xuan wanted to cry. She really did.
"Xuanxuan, I'm sorry." He apologized.
she cried.