In the middle of the night, He Cheng was sitting on the balcony, clutching the tie clip in his hand.
The black gem moistened the palm of his hand, and he raised his hand to his mouth, and could vaguely smell a bloody smell. Even after such a long time, I took it to a special shop for cleaning, but those things were like a curse, clinging to the tie clip, and refused to leave for a long time.
He looked at the bright moon outside the window. The moon is still very round, casting silver light through the cloudy clouds, reflecting in the quiet neighborhood.
Xu Ran left without looking back.
He thought that Xu Ran still had nostalgia when he came back this time, but when he waited until the end, Xu Ran only took out those two things.
Before parting, he finally couldn't help asking, "Aren't you going to stay?"
"You think I came back to reconcile with you?" Xu Ran smiled faintly, "I'm sorry, I can't do it."
"Maybe you are eager to get someone's forgiveness to offset the mistakes you made in the past ten years. But I will not forgive you." Xu Ran said, "If you want comfort, go to someone else, at least in my Here, you get nothing."
Facing Xu Ran's back, He Cheng couldn't say a word to persuade him to stay.
He kept shouting in his heart, wanting to refute something, but in the end he found that Xu Ran was right.
He finally understood why he wanted to keep Xu Ran. He kept trying to atone for his sins with someone, to assuage the guilt that was entrenched in his heart, as if that would free him from his disgraced past.
Xu Ran only said one thing wrong. He couldn't seek comfort from other people, and Andy's matter was a big hurdle in his heart, together with impotence, it became the deepest secret in He Cheng's heart.
What else can he say, stay and let me atone for you
The saddest thing in this world is to want to save, but the other party doesn't care anymore. Even if he said I'm sorry a hundred times, Xu Ran would not be moved, as if those things had become a thing of the past, and as soon as he let go of his hand, he flew with the wind and drifted away into the world.
Xu Ran had already walked out of that relationship, and he was left to hold on to it meaninglessly, just to find an excuse for himself to feel at ease.
Not to mention Xu Ran, even he looks down on himself now.
The ringtone of the incoming call rang suddenly under the night, and He Cheng answered it slowly. Over there, He Jingtang asked, "Where did you go again?"
"... outside." He Cheng murmured, "Go home tomorrow."
He Jingtang was very dissatisfied with him going out without permission. After returning from He Cheng, he made a very detailed plan for He Cheng, to teach him everything formally.
If you want to succeed in your studies, if you try your best, you can count exactly three years.
Long before Xu Ran came, He Cheng vaguely had a plan in his mind, but he couldn't be sure if it was what he really wanted. So he escaped from home and met Xu Ran. I thought it would be a warm situation, but unexpectedly, I only got a cold answer.
It doesn't matter. He Cheng gripped the tie clip tightly. We have a long way to go.
Perhaps people can only see themselves clearly under the most extreme circumstances. He Cheng doesn't know if other people have the same suffering as himself. He can't see the way ahead, but can only stare at the life under his feet.
If you move forward bit by bit, you may be able to get rid of the pain in your heart. But He Cheng will not be easily optimistic. He knows that he has already exhausted all his luck, and the only thing he can do now is to move forward.
In the spring of this year, for the first time in his life, he officially bowed his head to He Jingtang. A twenty-eight-year-old man, throw away all the wealth and splendor of the past, start from scratch, and start all over again.
In the days of loneliness, he learned to compromise with himself in the struggle.
Outsiders all know that the only son of the He family regained his strength after disappearing for half a year, and returned to work under He Jingtang in a down-to-earth manner. Friends said that he had changed, and even Bai Jinming shouted, why a person with such a high profile suddenly changed his personality, which made people puzzled.
In fact, he has not changed his nature. He Cheng is still the majestic He Cheng who speaks one word in every way, but his heart was dead before, and his words and deeds were full of power. Now his heart is alive, but only one person is left in his whole body An almost crazy paranoid constantly gnawed at his nerves in the day-to-day work.
At the beginning, he didn't know what he wanted, but soon, the dream at night gave him the answer.
Regret, or guilt? He Cheng couldn't tell the difference anymore, he only remembered that someone was laughing in his dream, and on the field on the mountain behind the school, he opened his arms, but he couldn't hug the boy who was running towards him against the sun no matter what.
As he ran, the boy's figure was getting further and further away from him. With a name stuck in his throat, He Cheng wanted to call him, but he always woke up the moment he made the sound.
Looking at the empty bed beside him, He Cheng asked himself, what exactly do you want to do
He wanted to see the way the boy laughed, wanted someone to hug him and say he loved you, and wanted the smell of another person in this cold room. He wanted to see Xu Ran stand up, walk up to him, and say, I forgive you.
It turns out that people's wishes can be so small and so hopeless.
He Cheng thought for a long time, and he felt that he needed to put an end to everything in the past. He used to wonder why Xu Ran insisted on leaving as if he had changed after the car accident, but now he understands. It turns out that pain can really educate a person, telling him what is right and what is wrong, what is the deepest desire in your heart, what is the treasure you have from the beginning, but because of stupidity and arrogance, you finally lost your original shine.
He has to do something. In only three years, he can no longer feel sorry for himself like a child who can't grow up.
What Xu Ran once wanted was very simple, but he held it in his hands and refused to give it. Now those things have become worthless residues. Answer.
He is a natural hunter, once he identifies a person, there is no turning back.
One day in early spring, He Cheng woke up from his dream, and for some reason suddenly remembered that today is the anniversary of him and Xu Ran being together.
At this time last year, he was still immersed in the joy of Joan's return home, showing off the tie clip to Xu Ran, but ignored the sudden dim light in Xu Ran's eyes. He remembered why Xu Ran asked him out for dinner that day. At that time, he thought it was just an ordinary day and said a lot of things that were not good or bad.
This year he took the initiative to think of it, but no one would cautiously open the chat box and ask: Are you free tonight? Let's go out to eat.
He Cheng randomly took out his mobile phone from his coat, and searched for the chat records between himself and Xu Ran. It took him a long time to realize that he had already deleted Xu Ran. The conversations in those memories were like fine sand, slipping away from his fingers constantly. He tried to grasp the things that represented the common memory of the two people, but he didn't want the tighter he held his hands, the faster the sand would leak out. Until the last little bit lying in the palm of my hand, it is a heart-wrenching memory.
The white walls of the hospital, trucks honking their horns on summer nights in the south, Xu Ran and other men laughing at each other, his lower body that can’t be hardened, the sticks falling on his body, and finally, the scene of Xu Ran after the car accident. But in those clean and flawless eyes.
He suddenly felt that time was not enough. If he walked slower, would Xu Ran really forget him
He Cheng felt a strong sense of not knowing what to do, filling his fragile heart.
It turns out that when I miss someone who will never look back, my heart really hurts.
He could only run forward desperately.
Xu Ran didn't seem to have pulled him into the blacklist again. He Cheng, who was aware of this, was overjoyed and a little uneasy. Not deleting him meant that he had completely given up, no matter how much he contacted him, he wouldn't care. He tried to text Xu Ran, but there was no response.
But he still sends, not very often, sometimes after a long time, telling him, I'm still here, just wait a little longer.
In fact, he didn't know what qualifications he had to make Xu Ran wait. Abandoning all the face in the past, what I want is nothing more than a forgiveness.
In addition, if Xu Ran is willing to say "I love you", that would be great.
Although He Cheng understood that this was probably just falsehood.
In the past ten years, Xu Ran didn't know how many words I love you, but he didn't respond once. If he sees Xu Ran again now, he will ask, this time for me, okay
For Xu Ran, it may be love, or it may be other more complicated feelings, He Cheng doesn't want to go into details.
In the past, love was bondage, torture, and hurt.
And now, love is the only salvation in the abyss of eternal doom.
He only had such a little affection in his life, and the rights that were previously assigned to Qiao An were forfeited, and if Xu Ran wanted it, he would pay him all the rest.
He Cheng has a notebook. After the accident in D City, he developed the habit of writing something.
If you can't think clearly in your head, just write it down, and when you think about it later, you can come up with a different answer.
He wrote everything related to Xu Ran, from the meeting of the two people, to Xu Ran's legs, to the ten-year relationship with little communication. Gradually, he recalled more and more things.
It turned out that he once helped Xu Ran out of the siege at the sports meeting, which caused Xu Ran to be crippled for half of his life.
It turned out that Xu Ran confessed to him because he really liked him, not because of the impulse and admiration when he was young.
It turned out that Xu Ran didn't like pain, but he tied her to the bed for ten years.
It turned out that Xu Ran's health was not good, and every time he was injured, he was on the verge of life and death.
turn out to be…
After closing the notebook, He Cheng rubbed his forehead hard. He actually ignored so many things and claimed to be nice to people.
The more he wrote, the more he owed Xu Ran, gradually turning into a bottomless pit.
What surprised him was that in the past ten years Xu Ran had never said anything bad. Without any resistance, he followed his own will and intensified his efforts, step by step, pushing Xu Ran into the abyss with his own hands.
It turned out that I was such an asshole.
After all the calculations, he found that he could not pay off all these debts anyway.
Then pay it back slowly, and use it for a lifetime.