An He was pulled out of the water by Na Chen, gasping for breath with his eyes closed, his body still tense, not relaxing.
Na Chen lowered his head and kissed his face and neck gently, stroking his body with his hands. He liked An He, who seemed a little tired after just venting. He had no defense, no distance, and every inch of her delicate and tight body that did not resist in his hands was full of attraction.
"I'll carry you back to the house," Na Chen circled his legs with his fingers.
"Can you hold me?" An He opened his eyes and looked at him, scratching his hair at the back of his head.
This action made Na Chen feel very comfortable, and he immediately put his face into his shoulder, "Scratch it again."
An He smiled and scratched his hair again: "Get up, I'll wash it, you're covered with my son."
"Your son is so depressed," Na Chen stood up and poured out the water in the bathtub with his hands, "Poor children, Uncle Daqi will take you away..."
"Idiot," An He pushed him away, slowly stood up and stepped out of the bathtub, turned on the shower head, "I'll find another set of pajamas for you."
"No need." Na Chen also got out of the bathtub and stood behind him, showering together. "I sleep naked, so it's convenient for you to touch me."
An He smiled but said nothing.
After taking a shower, An He found a set of sportswear for Na Chen. Na Chen shook the clothes and said, "What kind of taste do you have? Bright red, size 8..."
"The team uniform from my old school." An He took out another small quilt from the closet and threw it on the bed. He didn't have a guest room prepared, and considering that Na Chen had just worked hard to make him feel good, he couldn't let Na Chen sleep on the sofa, so they all slept on the bed.
"Basketball team? You still play basketball?" Na Chen lifted up the shirt and saw the name of a certain Normal University printed on the front. "I thought you just hung out in the arcade."
"That's what I did before my second year of high school," An He spread out the quilt and patted it, "Do you sleep outside or inside?"
"I'll sleep on top," Na Chen said without thinking, "Have you turned over a new leaf since your second year of high school?"
An He didn't say anything. He sat on the edge of the bed and seemed a little absent-minded.
Na Chen put on his jersey and sat next to him: "Not sleeping?"
"Sleep," An He seemed to come back to his senses suddenly, lifted the quilt and crawled in, "You sleep inside."
Na Chen climbed onto the bed and got under the quilt: "I'll cover myself with you."
"I'm not used to it." An He closed his eyes.
"How come you don't feel uncomfortable being with me?" Na Chen sighed and turned over to face him.
"It's here with me now." An He smiled and reached out to turn off the lights in the room.
"Is the light outside on?" Na Chen propped himself up with his arm and looked towards the bedroom door. The light from the living room could still be seen through the gap in the door.
“No.”
Na Chen lay quietly, and the only sound in the room could be heard was the rising and falling breathing of the two people. However, their breathing was quite vigorous, and one could tell from the sound that neither of them was asleep.
"Are you afraid of the dark?" Na Chen asked softly.
"No."
"Then why don't you turn off the lights?"
"Are you going to sleep or not?" An He sighed, "You've been in the detention center for several days, are you still so energetic?"
"Detention center," Na Chen corrected him, "Are you... afraid of being alone? With the light on, you don't feel like you're alone."
An He didn't say anything. After a long time, he moved and raised his arms to rest behind his head: "Probably."
In fact, there are always people at home, a lot of people. Every time An He returns home, he can see a house full of smoke and the endless sound of mahjong, but he still feels lonely.
Mom was sitting there, but she didn't seem to belong to him. She only cared about winning or losing, and Dad was even further away.
He stayed alone among these figures, whether strange or familiar, and struggled to face all the things that would happen in life. His mother hardly paid any attention to him except for slapping him. Even if there was just a parent-teacher meeting, he would squat outside the house for two hours, repeatedly rehearsing how to talk to his mother without getting beaten.
He just wanted a clean and fresh home, with bright and warm lights, the sound of TV, the smell of food, a mother who had him in her eyes and a father who could see him.
This is a luxury, and he will never be able to have it in this lifetime, but he always feels that he can give his children such a home, a warm and reliable home.
An He frowned at the thought, and the feeling of despair and helplessness that he felt when he first discovered that he had the desire to have physical intimacy with a man came over him little by little.
But the greater despair was that this thing that changed his entire life was just a conquest for others.
From then on, he could no longer find the sense of belonging he wanted, whether facing men or women.
"Anhe." Na Chen called softly in his ear.
"Hmm?" An He suddenly pulled himself out of his memories, and instantly felt a little empty.
"What's wrong with you? Your breathing is not right." Na Chen came closer and looked at his face in the dim light.
"It's okay," An He smiled, "You can even understand your breathing, it's really mysterious."
"My mom," Na Chen hesitated for a moment, "In the past, whenever my mom was sick... when she was in a bad mood, her breathing would change. I could hear it."
An He turned his head, Na Chen's warm breath swept over his face, he leaned sideways: "Really?"
"Really," Na Chen nodded, speaking with some difficulty, "She... I couldn't hear it at first, but... I had to hear it, otherwise I wouldn't have time... to get away."
An He couldn't see Na Chen's expression, but his calm yet hesitant voice made people feel depressed.
"Did your mother... beat you?" An He asked tentatively, remembering the scar on Na Chen's neck.
"She seldom hit me when I was a kid," Na Chen squeezed closer to him and rested his head on his pillow, "My mother is very gentle."
An He made some room for him and gave up half of his pillow.
"Are you sleepy?" Na Chen asked him.
"Go ahead and tell me. I'm listening." An He reached out to the bedside table and touched the cigarette box. "Do you want a cigarette?"
“Aren’t you afraid of setting the quilt on fire?” Na Chen smiled.
"Did you have a stroke? You can light the quilt on fire by smoking a cigarette," An He took a cigarette and handed it to Na Chen, then took a large iron mooncake box and put it on the quilt, "If you can still bounce the quilt with this, I will pay to take you to the hospital tomorrow."
Na Chen lit a cigarette and leaned against the bedside, seeming to be reminiscing. After a long silence, he spoke: "My mother is very gentle, she sings and sings very well, she can play the piano, and she also likes the violin. My grandmother always said that my mother was probably a fairy who was born in the wrong body. Anyway, my aunts and uncles are very..."
What was special? Na Chen didn't say. An He wanted to say that fairies probably don't reincarnate, but Na Chen exhaled a puff of smoke and continued: "My mother has never spoken loudly to me. If I do something wrong, she will just cry, and cry in pain."
"What did I do wrong?" An He frowned.
"I don't know," Na Chen said hesitantly, staring at the cigarette for a long time before saying, "Many times it's because I didn't understand the music she played. ﹏雅文﹍吧w·ww-.`ya·w`en8"
"I don't understand what it means. What song it is?" An He asked.
"It's just... I don't understand what this song is trying to express," Na Chen took a long drag on his cigarette, "or what she wants to express."
"How old were you then?" An He wasn't sure if his judgment about Na Chen's mother was correct, but he already had a rough idea in his mind.
"Before she went to school," Na Chen bent one leg and tapped the rhythm on his knee, "If I didn't understand, she would cry and keep playing."
Na Chen's voice lowered, and his hands tapped on his legs quickly: "Keep playing, keep playing, I can't leave. If I want to leave, she will tie me to the legs of the piano with a rope, and keep playing and crying..."
An He held Na Chen's hand and found that his hands were shaking badly.
"Then Chen..." He opened his mouth, trying to change the subject temporarily.
But Na Chen interrupted him: "I cried too. I was very anxious. Why couldn't I understand? I wanted to understand. I wanted to see her smile, but I just couldn't understand. When I didn't understand, I felt a headache. Every time she played a note, I felt pain, like being hit by a hammer..."
"Na Chen," An He sat up, put out both of their cigarettes, threw the box aside, and put his arm around Na Chen's shoulders, "Let's not talk about it for now."
"In fact, I still don't understand it until now," Na Chen continued speaking quickly, "The songs she sang, the operas she sang, the music she played, the words she said... I don't understand them all. They are all engraved in my mind, but I still don't understand!"
"Daqi," An He turned on the bedside lamp, and a faint warm yellow filled the room. He looked into Na Chen's eyes, "Everyone expresses themselves differently. It's not your fault."
"But she is my mother!" Na Chen suddenly raised his voice, "I don't understand what my mother means!"
"I know she's your mother," An He grabbed his shoulder and said in a steady voice, "but she's sick, and she can't make you understand. It's not your fault. She's a patient."
Na Chen stopped, breathing a little faster, his eyes fell on a certain place behind An He, and after a while he said softly: "Yes, my mother is crazy. She was already crazy at that time, but no one admitted it."
"No one will easily admit that their loved ones have a mental illness." An He said, patting Na Chen on the back.
He suddenly felt very tired. Facing the confused and struggling Na Chen and his dark past, he felt suffocated. There was no doubt that Na Chen had psychological problems, but he didn't know how to resolve them. When he faced Na Chen, he had too many personal emotions and couldn't completely detach himself, so he couldn't make the right judgment.
Even if we leave all these aside, Na Chen has been with his mother for so many years, so his knowledge of psychology is definitely not blank. He just mentioned drawing a picture before, and before he said what to draw, Na Chen had already sensitively reacted and realized it was the house, tree and person, and he could also clearly feel Na Chen's resistance.
"Grandma said that I would go crazy, just like my mom," Na Chen suddenly smiled and lowered his head. "I was quite scared before, but then I thought it was nothing. If I went crazy, I would understand what she meant."
An He didn't say anything. He had been interested in Na Chen because of his beauty and temptation, and was willing to tolerate Na Chen's approach because he felt some empathy. But now he found that Na Chen was far more complicated than he had imagined. Na Chen's painful and tangled past was pulling him down little by little. He followed Na Chen's ups and downs in emotions and sank little by little into the darkness that he tried so hard to get rid of.
He couldn't even utter the simplest words of comfort now. Na Chen seemed to be hurt all over, and perhaps even the simplest touch would hurt him.
"Are you hungry?" Na Chen suddenly raised his head and looked at him.
"I'm not hungry," An He was stunned, "You're hungry again less than two hours after eating?"
"I'm hungry when I talk," Na Chen pressed his stomach, "What should I do?"
"…Steamed dumplings?" An He got out of bed helplessly and took his phone. "Mixed noodles?"
"Sha County?" Na Chen asked with great interest.
"You still know Sha County? Not Sha County, but the snack bar behind the community is still delivering food at this time. I'll ask him to bring it over if you want." An He glanced at him, and there was no trace of the suffocating repressed emotions that had enveloped Na Chen before.
"Eat. Is there any soup?" Na Chen hugged the quilt.
"You're quite particular. What kind of soup do you want? They all come in small bowls." An He found the delivery person's phone number and prepared to dial.
“Pigeon soup.”
"Why don't you want the bird's nest, Concubine!"
"Is there? Xiao Anzi," Na Chen laughed, "How is his cooking skill?"
"They all taste the same to me, but they're always innovating. They even have fast food for two on Valentine's Day." An He dialed the number and asked the boss for two servings of dumplings, two bowls of chicken soup, and a bowl of mixed noodles. Looking at Na Chen's expression, it seemed that he had plenty of space in his stomach, so he ordered a bowl of century egg and lean meat porridge.
After Na Chen watched him hang up the phone, he asked, "Who did you go to eat fast food for two with on Valentine's Day?"
"With my invisible lover," An He opened the door and went to the living room to pour a cup of fruit tea. He was very sleepy at first, but after being tossed around by Na Chen, he was no longer sleepy and almost sober. He turned on the computer and asked, "Do you want to watch a movie?"
"What kind of movie is it?" Na Chen followed him out, "S|M? Bondage? Uniforms?"
"Aren't you unable to do it?" An He glanced at him sideways.
"Who said I'm not good enough? How can you say such things to a young man who is only 20 years old? Why don't you try it?" Na Chen lay down on the sofa. "If you want to say I'm not good enough, you have to be the first one to fail. Uncle, you're already 28 years old."
"Do you want to see it?" An He changed the subject.
"Look, I'll watch whatever you want to watch." Na Chen smiled.
An He picked out a very old horror movie. He guessed that Na Chen, at his age, had probably never seen it, as he had watched this movie when he was in junior high school.
"Super girl Reiko?" Na Chen sat up and hugged a cushion, "Horror movie?"
"Yeah." An He nodded, stood up and turned off the lights in the living room, leaving only a floor lamp on, then sat back in front of the computer.
After the opening credits were over, Na Chen called him from the sofa, "Teacher An."
"What's the matter?" An He said, holding a cigarette.
"Aren't you going to sit on the sofa?" Na Chen moved to the side and patted the sofa.
An He was happy, pressed pause, turned around and looked at Na Chen: "Are you scared?"
"I'm cold," Na Chen huddled up against the cushion, "Come over here and squeeze in with me."
"The food delivery person will be here soon, and you won't be cold after you eat." An He sat there without moving, just looking at him with a smile.
"What are you laughing at!" Na Chen threw the cushion aside, stood up, took two steps to An He's side, grabbed his arm and pulled hard, "Come here!"
An He was pulled up from the chair by him, but before he could stand firmly, Na Chen carried him on his shoulders and threw him heavily onto the sofa.
"You're so timid." An He adjusted his posture, bent his legs and leaned against the sofa.
Na Chen sat down next to him, hugging the cushion and curling up into a ball: "Everyone is afraid of something. When I was a child, my grandma always told me ghost stories. She would be very happy when I was scared and cried."
"Your grandma..." An He wanted to ask what your grandma's hobby was.
"She is willing to tell me," Na Chen curled his lips, "She can't scare my cousins, but she can scare me."
An He didn't say anything. He noticed that Na Chen never mentioned his father's relatives. He usually talked about his grandmother and aunt. He tried to ask, "Xu Jingyao is..."
"My aunt's daughter," Na Chen said, "I only see her a few times a year. I haven't seen my grandfather for many years."
"Why don't you go and see?" An He asked. To be honest, he hadn't seen his relatives for many years. In his mother's words, there was nothing to see. They only played mahjong for two yuan.
"There's nothing to see," Na Chen covered his eyes with his hands and looked at the computer screen through his fingers. "When my dad wanted to marry my mom, my whole family was against it and they even fought. Besides, my dad didn't want me to go."
An He did not ask any further. He did not want to delve into the extent of the influence and harm that Na Chen's parents and family had brought to him. He was afraid that he would not be able to handle it.
Neither of them spoke anymore, just staring at the computer in silence.
An He watches such movies almost every day, horror and depressing ones, but now this movie doesn't feel that big of a deal to him.
Na Chen probably didn't see it often, so he squeezed closer and closer to him.
The sound of piano came from the empty piano room. When I went over to take a look, the cloth covering the piano gently slid down.
The doorbell rang at this moment. Na Chen jumped up from the sofa with a shout, then turned around and pounced on An He: "Ah—"
An He was not scared by the movie, but was so frightened by Na Chen's roar that he almost hugged him in tears.
"You..." An He pushed him, "The delivery man is here."
Na Chen glanced at him, then jumped over and turned off the video: "I won't watch it anymore!"
"Yeah." An He smiled, got up and opened the door.
The snack bar owner standing outside the door glanced into the room warily: "Is everything alright?"
"No, I was watching a horror movie, and you just happened to ring the doorbell." An He handed over the money.
“So late at night…” The boss clicked his tongue twice, took the money and left.
An He took all the food that was delivered to the kitchen, put it in bowls and placed it on the table. He looked at Na Chen who was curled up on the sofa and said, "Are you going to eat? Aren't you hungry because of the shock?"
"Let's watch a comedy to slow down the pace." Na Chen sat down at the table and picked up the chopsticks.
An He pushed a bowl of soup in front of him: "You won't be afraid after you finish eating it."
Na Chen looked at the food, holding his chopsticks for a long time without moving.
"What's wrong?" An He asked.
"I really like the feeling of sitting at the table at home and eating." Na Chen smiled and lowered his head to drink a sip of soup.
"Really? I like it too," An He picked up a dumpling and put it in his mouth, chewing it slowly. After swallowing it, he whispered, "But I haven't done this for a long time."
Or rather, it basically never happened.
"So what do you usually eat?" Na Chen asked him.
"I just eat it like that. I make some instant noodles or order takeout and eat it in front of the computer." An He said with a smile.
"I'm so sorry for the food!" Na Chen frowned, "But this thing doesn't taste that good, not as good as what I cook."
"Really?" An He looked at him. Na Chen was good at making fruit tea, but he didn't know how he was at cooking.
"Come to my place for dinner before school starts. I'll cook for you. I've asked you twice but it still hasn't worked out," Na Chen put down his chopsticks and said seriously, "An He, I want to treat you to the food I cook. Will you come?"
An He stopped using his chopsticks to pick up dumplings and didn't say anything for a long time.