Su Yi'an stayed here, but as he stayed, one thing lingered in Lin Qingyu's heart more and more prominently—
Her dad's time is running out.
Lin Qingyu knew which day it was, because Lin Qingyu had been going to visit her father on that day every year for so many years. She knows everything, and because of this, she struggles and suffers more and more every day.
She began to want to go to school less and less, and she began to want to pester her father every day. She even began to want to change her father's fate. However, it doesn't seem to work.
When the time came that day, Lin Qingyu didn't want to go to school, she pestered her father and didn't want him to go out, but Lin's father didn't understand her "messing around". At the beginning, he comforted Lin Qingyu and persuaded her with good words, but in the end, he thought that Lin Qingyu was playing tricks, so his face darkened and he taught her to be "sensible".
Ever since she became small, Lin Qingyu has always been thankful that everything she does can be solved with "being young", but at this moment, she deeply feels the powerlessness of being a child.
She was dragged to school by her father and sent to the classroom all the way, because Lin Qingyu's performance was particularly bad today, and Lin's father even said hello to the head teacher. Seeing Lin Qingyu start her morning self-study at the door, she turned and left.
Lin Qingyu kept staring at him, until he turned around and left, Lin Qingyu finally couldn't bear the emotions in her heart, and rushed out, no matter how much the class teacher called her, she couldn't call her back. Just when the head teacher was about to chase it out by himself, another small figure also chased it out like the wind.
"Su Yi'an!" the head teacher yelled, "Where are you going again!" The head teacher had no choice but to put down the book, and hastily explained, "You read the morning reading by yourself, and then ran out.
Following all the way to the corner of the stairs, the class teacher saw Su Yi'an who had stopped, stepped forward and grabbed Su Yi'an's arm: "Hurry up and go back to the classroom."
As she spoke, she didn't pull Su Yi'an away, and saw him staring at the corner of the stairs below. The head teacher also followed his gaze... Lin Qingyu was at the bottom of the stairs, the little girl hugged her father's waist tightly, she didn't speak or cry, she just hugged her silently.
"You child." Lin's father sighed silently, finally pulled Lin Qingyu away helplessly, knelt down, stared at her and asked, "What's the matter today?"
Lin's father who was squatting and Lin Qingyu's eyes were on the same level. For a moment, in Lin Qingyu's mind, there was a feeling that she had grown up, and she was talking to her father with her twenties .
After traveling through the time interval of more than ten years, she looked at Papa Lin and said, "Dad."
"Um."
Lin Qingyu stared at him, and finally stopped pretending to be so immature as a child. She smiled slightly and looked at her father: "I will study hard, and I will be admitted to a good university in the future, you know?"
This sentence was inappropriate, Father Lin was stunned for a moment, and then he laughed: "As long as you don't do well in class now, can you be admitted to a good university in the future?"
"I will work hard to live and do my best to make myself happy."
Papa Lin looked at Lin Qingyu strangely for a while, but in the end he didn't blame her any more. He raised his hand and touched her head, and smiled gently: "Papa's little princess must live happily, of course."
Lin Qingyu's eyes were slightly red, she raised her arms and hugged her father's neck, and whispered in his ear: "Dad, I really love you."
Papa Lin just patted her on the back: "I'll act like a baby, come on, hurry up and go back to class."
Papa Lin pulled Lin Qingyu's hand away, stood up, waved her, then turned and went down the stairs without looking back. Lin Qingyu watched his father leave, and the homeroom teacher shouted from the stairs above: "Okay, both of you hurry up and go to your morning self-study!"
Lin Qingyu turned around, and when she raised her head, she saw Su Yi'an standing on the third step. She didn't shed tears, but just pursed her lips, and stepped up the steps. Su Yi'an stretched out her hand.
Lin Qingyu listened intently to the sound of her father's footsteps getting farther and farther away. She closed her eyes and took one step, two steps without looking back. At the third step, she stood on the same stairs as Su Yi'an, and she held her hand. Holding Su Yi'an's hand, she held Su Yi'an's hand for the rest of the stairs, and walked up the stairs with him step by step, walking farther and farther away from her father.
Su Yi'an held her hand tightly, accompanied her silently, and did not let go until he entered the classroom.
This day Lin Qingyu was absent-minded, she seemed to be waiting for something, finally, in the afternoon, the head teacher rushed to the door of the classroom, regardless of Lin Qingyu was still in class, and called her out without saying anything , and comforted her first. In the end, she finally told Lin Qingyu carefully that her father had a car accident and was now being rescued in the hospital.
Lin Qingyu still has an impression of this day, but in her impression, she was very dull due to extreme panic after being hit hard throughout the day.
But now, after going through the same scene again, Lin Qingyu is still dull. The teacher led her to the hospital. Her father's rescue was over, but the result was death.
Lin Qingyu saw her mother in pain beside her dead father.
She was so weak from crying that she would have almost fallen to the ground if she hadn't been supported by someone around her.
At this time, the dullness in Lin Qingyu's mind suddenly disappeared for some reason.
She is a person who has lived a life without a father in the future, and she is even used to that life. She knows what her future life will be like, so although she is equally sad, she is not lost.
But now Pan Juan doesn't know.
For Pan Juan, the pillar of her whole life collapsed suddenly. Lin Qingyu felt deeply disgusted by Pan Juan's patriarchy, but she also could not deny that she still carried Pan Juan's blood in her body. He still took responsibility for Lin Qingyu's upbringing.
She didn't lose money on her food and clothing—except when her needs collided with those of her brother.
Many times, Pan Juan did rank Lin Bin first, but she also ranked Lin Qingyu second, while Pan Juan herself fell to the last.
This may be the vicious circle that a mother like her will never be able to get out of.
Live for her husband, live for her children, but rarely think of living for herself. That's why, when I think about what I've done, I feel that all girls should give like this. That's why she has prejudice against girls. Because they are not only prejudiced on their own daughters, but also on other people's daughters, and even prejudiced on themselves.
Not one is spared.
At this moment, seeing Pan Juan who was sad and almost desperate, Lin Qingyu couldn't move at all. She stood beside her, silently accompanied her, and then raised her hand to wipe away her tears.
After being touched on the face, Pan Juan looked up and saw Lin Qingyu. Lin Qingyu still wiped away her tears and said, "Mom, it will pass."
However, receiving Lin Qingyu's words of comfort did not alleviate Pan Juan's grief. She grabbed Lin Qingyu, hugged her, and cried even harder while holding her.
"Qingyu, what shall we do in the future, you are still so young, and so is your brother..."
Being held tightly in Pan Juan's arms, Lin Qingyu was a little dazed. She let Pan Juan hold her and cry for a long time, until she had no strength to vent her grief, Lin Qingyu patted her on the back and said, "You are an unfair but very strong mother."
Pan Juan let go of Lin Qingyu, and looked at her strangely, but soon, relatives came, her father died, and there were still many things that Pan Juan needed to deal with. Crying and complaining, full of fear and anxiety about the future.
Lin Qingyu turned around and went to the bathroom while all the adults were not paying attention.
She washed her face in the bathroom, then looked up at herself in the mirror. Still so small, on her hair and collar, there are tears that Pan Juan shed just now. She pinched her face. Suddenly he laughed.
After leaving the bathroom, it was like when Su Yi'an's grandma passed away. At that time, she was blocked by Su Yi'an who seemed to have just cried at the door of the bathroom. But now Su Yi'an blocked Lin Qingyu with a smile on the corner of his mouth.
Su Yi'an looked at her and didn't speak.
But Lin Qingyu took the initiative to step forward and said, "Su Yi'an, do you know that my mother hugged me just now." She looked at Su Yi'an and lowered her head, "You asked me once before, what is it that I really want. "
Su Yi'an narrowed his eyes slightly: "Did you forgive your mother because of her hug?"
Lin Qingyu glanced at him: "I'm such a narrow-minded and vengeful person, I didn't forgive her. She likes her younger brother and has done a lot of unfair things to me. These things will be a thorn in my heart. When I think about it, I will Feel wronged and sad, I probably will never be able to forgive my mother who treated me like that. Because my mother will always think that girls are not as good as boys. She is that kind of person, I am this kind of person, our personalities are fixed .”
"Since that's the case... You have thought of what you really want, what is it?"
"This world is like a dream for the two of us. We can change whatever we want. I wanted to become a man before because it was more convenient to live as a man. Because of this, I could get my mother's love. After graduation To find the job I want, there will be no prejudice or discrimination. However, I was wrong. The reason why I made such a wish is because I also think from the bottom of my heart that I live as a woman. I am not as good as a man."
"Before, I became Lin Qingyu and lived as a man." Lin Qingyu smiled, "Yeah, everything is the same as I thought, but I couldn't accept my mother's concern, because my mother Every word of concern for Lin Qingyu reminds me that in her heart, sexism is so ruthless."
"I resisted going home, I didn't want to see my mother, and I didn't accept her care. It all came from deep in my heart. It was such a strong resistance to becoming a man. I know, I did this because I completely abandoned The most authentic self." Lin Qingyu looked at Su Yi'an, "You are right, I am escaping, this absurd world is my refuge from reality."
"What I really want is something that can only be achieved by myself as a girl. I think as a girl, I can not be discriminated against, be recognized, and be loved." Lin Qingyu smiled, "Maybe What I really want is not these, what I want most, I am afraid, is that I can fall in love with myself as a girl. Don't give up on yourself, don't deceive yourself, even if the reality is difficult and dangerous, you can still deal with it calmly."
She said these words, as if her eyes were shining, Su Yi'an looked at her, all the words she said now were exactly the same as the effect he wanted to achieve at the beginning.
However, looking at Lin Qingyu like this, for some reason, a subtle feeling suddenly appeared in his heart...
At a loss.