Zhou Ziheng never thought that Xia Xiqing would come.
Despite Xu Qichen's repeated lobbying, Zhou Ziheng didn't think Xia Xiqing would really open up his own scars for the so-called "liberation". After all, for him, indulging in the false beauty of the present and controlling the love of others at will is much easier than letting go of the past and loving himself.
Zhou Ziheng did not sleep all night that morning. In fact, he regretted saying such words at that moment, but what was more sad than the impulsive words spoken when his emotions were out of control was that Xia Xiqing might not mind at all.
He doesn't mind who he works with, or whether or not the person is really to his liking.
So when Xia Xiqing actually appeared, Zhou Ziheng's heartbeat skipped a beat.
Xia Xiqing walked towards him, raised his hand to take off the hairband behind his head, and his hair fell beside his cheeks. His eyes looked at Zhou Ziheng, but when he really walked in front of him, he turned his head and put the script in the hand of Xu Qichen who was sitting next to him, without looking at him.
Xu Zixi, who was standing next to Zhou Ziheng, saw that Xia Xiqing had an inexplicable sense of nervousness. He bowed slightly and stretched out his hand to him, "Hello, I'm Xu Zixi."
Xia Xiqing showed an extremely gentle smile on his face and held Xu Zixi's hand back, "Xia Xiqing." His voice was as soft as the clouds in the sky, "You acted really well just now."
An elusive cloud.
"thanks, thanks."
He smiled and took his hand away, without even looking at Zhou Ziheng from beginning to end.
"Then Xi Qing, why don't you give it a try?" Director Kun said, his tone full of encouragement, "Don't be nervous, we'll see how it feels."
Everyone knows that Xia Xiqing is not a professional actor, and he can't even be called an actor, so the expectations are naturally not high. Even Kun Cheng, who thinks he fits the role of Jiang Tong, knows that image and temperament are one thing, and acting skills are another.
Xia Xiqing didn't make any preparations. He walked to the machine, his smile was much more restrained, and he introduced himself simply and clearly, "Hello everyone, I am Xia Xiqing."
After the introduction, he walked out of the door step by step, took a deep breath, and closed the door.
Looking at the closed door, Xia Xiqing began to panic. He didn't know why he came here. Was it really necessary to recall the pain for the sake of his ridiculous self-esteem
Memories are terrible things. They can almost erode Xia Xiqing's senses in an instant. As long as he doesn't avoid them, they will appear openly and unscrupulously. Xia Xiqing felt his eyes begin to lose focus, and the door in front of him seemed to change shape and color.
It turned into the dark blue door of his bedroom when he was a child. He tried to touch the door handle with his fingertips. It seemed as if a hole had been broken deep in his heart, and black sticky liquid oozed out little by little, pouring out bit by bit, wrapping his heart tightly and oppressing every heartbeat.
Breathing became difficult. Xia Xiqing withdrew his hand and tried hard to convince himself.
He wasn't the one locked in the room this time.
He was going to save the child in the room.
The crisp sound of the board coming from the hotel room was like a strong suggestion to start hypnosis. Xia Xiqing's hands began to tremble uncontrollably, and all the past that he dared not recall was overturned, along with the black blood gushing out of his heart.
[I wish you had never been born. If I hadn’t given birth to you, my life wouldn’t be like this!]
[Why did I give birth to a son like you? Are you as mentally ill as your mother? Why don’t you just die!]
Xia Xiqing raised his hand and knocked on the door twice like a zombie. He paused in mid-air and knocked twice more.
If only someone had come to rescue him.
His hands began to tremble. In order to continue, Xia Xiqing pressed his right wrist with his left hand and knocked hard on the door, harder and faster.
Until the door was suddenly opened, Xia Xiqing took a breath in an instant, and the breath was held in his chest. His lips opened slightly and he slowly let the breath out.
He felt himself shaking all over.
He didn't look at the actor he was acting with. He walked quickly to the little girl with a dodgy look in his eyes, grabbed her, and held her in his arms. The actor seemed to think that Xia Xiqing was an amateur actor and wanted to help him get into better shape, so he specially cooperated with him in the performance. He came up and tugged at Xia Xiqing's arm, "You are fucking sick!"
Xia Xiqing didn't look back, he stretched out his arms, picked up the stupidly standing little actress, and walked out the door without saying a word. The male actor was stunned for a moment, this was completely different from the previous audition, but he quickly reacted, took two quick steps and grabbed Xia Xiqing's arm, "What are you doing! Put her down!"
Being pulled by him, Xia Xiqing staggered, took a few steps back, put out his hands to protect the girl's head, and walked out without saying a word.
His legs were a little weak and trembling slightly, his teeth were clenched tightly, and he pulled with the girl's "father" for a long time. Maybe his hands were a little sore from holding the little girl, but everyone noticed that his arms were shaking.
The girl's "father" cursed a few words, picked up a chair next to him and was about to hit her. Xia Xiqing didn't have time to dodge, and squatted down, hugging the little girl tightly.
Zhou Ziheng's heart stopped suddenly, and he rushed forward without thinking. Originally, the male actor hit the chair from a great distance, but Zhou Ziheng was too anxious and did not know how to measure. When he rushed forward, he stood too close and his arm was hit by the chair leg. His brows knitted tightly, the hit was not light.
He was afraid that his actor would be distracted by his injury, so he pushed him away very quickly and reached out to pull Xia Xiqing. He failed to pull him up from the ground the first time, so he managed to do it the second time.
Xia Xiqing, who was pulled up, just lowered his head, hugged the little girl, took two steps, and put her down.
When Xia Xiqing was scolded by the "father" just now, he was brought back to the past in almost a second. He felt a burning pain in his body, as if he was hit by a golf club. His parents' hysterical quarrels kept appearing in his mind. He was locked in the room and cried and banged on the door until his palms were swollen.
No one came to save him. No one came to save him.
Xia Xiqing's eyes fell on the little girl, his eyelashes trembled, and his eyes were a little unfocused. He squatted down, pulled down the hem of the girl's wrinkled clothes with his hands, and smoothed them out, then reached out and gently pushed her messy hair behind her ears, and gently touched the girl's face.
He tried to force a smile, but the moment his mouth opened, his teeth bit the inside of his lips unconsciously. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth, as if he was about to say something, but in the end he did not speak. Instead, he took the little girl's hand and wrote two words on her palm with his index finger.
It is not only written for this child, but also for myself back then.
There were not many strokes, but Xia Xiqing wrote very slowly. His fingers were shaking so badly that he had to pause for a long time after writing each stroke, and each stroke was extremely difficult.
[Don't be afraid.]
With the last stroke, he slowly closed his little palm, rolled it into a small fist, put it into the pocket of the little girl's red coat, and gently patted the bulging little pocket.
He looked up at her and his brows suddenly frowned.
The little girl's face turned into her young and helpless self back then.
He was small, covered in wounds, and his shiny black pupils were filled with confusion and despair.
His whole body began to tremble. Xia Xiqing didn't dare to look. He lowered his eyes slightly and suddenly became extremely timid. His shoulders shook uncontrollably. Even the young actor was frightened and dared not speak.
Zhou Ziheng, who was standing by, finally couldn't bear to watch any longer. His patience had reached its limit. He no longer cared about the script, and squatted down, holding Xia Xiqing's shoulders.
It was so quiet here, but Xia Xiqing could still hear the heart-wrenching cries of her younger self, the sound was deafening.
Begging for mercy, calling for help, sobbing, remaining silent. My strength was wasted bit by bit.
[Is there anyone outside? Can you open the door for me?]
[It’s so dark… I’m scared.]
haven't seen you for a long time.
You were so scared then.
Xia Xiqing raised his eyes, his eyelashes trembling slightly. He tried to look directly at the little girl's face, bit his back teeth tightly, and stretched out his arms to hug her. That little body was so soft and fragile, Xia Xiqing didn't dare to use force, but his arms were shaking uncontrollably. He was afraid that he would hurt her, afraid that he would not give her courage.
Afraid she was still afraid.
Finally, a tear that had nowhere to hide anymore slid down from his clear pupils, and Xia Xiqing closed his eyes.
Don't be afraid.
Maybe... all this is over.
“Cut!”
The sound of the clapperboard gave everyone who was holding their breath an opportunity to let go. The performance just now was completely different from the previous audition. There were no skillful lines, nor explosive crying scenes, but everyone's emotions were mobilized, and everyone's heart was hanging, and it was very uncomfortable.
Xia Xiqing opened his eyes and took a few deep breaths before letting go of the little girl. The little girl stretched out her soft little hand and wiped his face, her voice childish and innocent.
"Don't cry, brother."
Xia Xiqing laughed.
"Brother is just acting, he's not really crying." He reached out and pinched the little actor's face very lightly, "I'm not sad at all, are you sad?"
"a little bit."
Xia Xiqing smiled and hugged the cute little actor, repeating her words gently, "A little bit..."
The smile on his face looked so fragile in Zhou Ziheng's eyes, like the light reflected by a crystal a second before it fell.
Xia Xiqing let out a long sigh, turned half of his body and grabbed Zhou Ziheng's arm, which happened to touch the place where he had been hit by the chair leg. Zhou Ziheng hissed in pain.
"Where is your professionalism?" Xia Xiqing's voice was cold, and Zhou Ziheng couldn't figure out his current mood.
He just wanted to hug him, especially hug him, if he gave him the chance.
Xia Xiqing let go of his hand and stood up, smiling at Director Kun. The surprise on Director Kun's face had not yet faded, and he also stood up and walked to Xia Xiqing's side.
"You just performed at the level of a professional actor." He smiled with disbelief, "You really have never learned acting?"
"No. This character is a bit like me, so I'll just play myself." Xia Xiqing let out his emotions so quickly that he couldn't get them back. He pulled the corners of his mouth and tried his best to keep a decent smile. "Director, excuse me for a moment. I need to go to the bathroom."
Kun Cheng nodded and watched Xia Xiqing leave the hotel room. He turned around and sat back in the chair he had just sat in. The producer beside him said, "Do you also think Xia Xiqing acted better? His last tear was really amazing. Give him a close-up. It must be very shocking to see it on the big screen. He didn't even need to cry or shout. He captured the audience's hearts in an instant."
The producer seemed to have found a treasure, and analyzed his skills with great devotion, how he controlled the timing of tears falling, how he controlled the amplitude of trembling, which angles were suitable for this face, and he became more and more excited as he talked.
It was not until he finished his last sentence that Kuncheng slowly shook his head.
“He’s not acting at all.”
Kuncheng discovered that Xia Xiqing did not even look at the actor who played the "father" during the entire process. He was subconsciously avoiding him out of fear. He was too scared to look or resist. In fact, a person suffering from depression will not cry out loudly. Xia Xiqing may understand that feeling better.
The most terrifying thing was that he didn't dare to look at the little actor he had been protecting.
This wonderful "performance" was truly sublimated when the author looked directly at the young actor at the end.
These cannot be acted out.
Xu Qichen tightly grasped the script and remained silent. Zhou Ziheng was right, he was indeed too cruel. Before he saw Xia Xiqing actually cut himself open, he had always been standing in the perspective of a bystander, forcing him to recall the terrible past out of the original intention of helping him.
He couldn't help but feel a little regretful and began to doubt himself.
He didn't know whether he was helping him or hurting him.
Xia Xi washed his face and leaned his hands on the sink. He tried his best to get out of his previous emotions, but it was not easy.
"How are you?"
It was the newcomer's voice.
Xia Xiqing switched to a good smile in an instant, stood up and tore off two pieces of paper to wipe his hands, "It's fine." He crumpled the paper into a ball and threw it into the wastebasket, his eyes falling on Xu Zixi's handsome face.
"I..." Xu Zixi's expression was a little hesitant, "I want to know why you acted like this? I mean, how did you conceive of it? Because after I got the script, I felt that he should want to protect the little girl very much, and he was very sad..."
Although he expressed it very unclearly, Xia Xiqing understood exactly what he meant, and he took a step closer.
"Your acting is actually very good." Xia Xiqing patted Xu Zixi's shoulder, then dropped his hand and put it in his pocket.
"He did want to protect the little girl, but he was more scared. More scared than the child."
Xu Zixi's eyes were full of doubt. Xia Xiqing just smiled bitterly, and his voice slowly sank like a stone thrown into the center of a lake.
"It's good not to understand. You must have had a happy childhood."
Just as Xia Xiqing was about to leave, another person appeared at the bathroom door, and his chest was clenched again.
He didn't know why, but he could smile at anyone except Zhou Ziheng. Whenever he saw Zhou Ziheng's face, he wanted to tear himself apart and show him his ugliest and most hateful side.
Giving up on yourself for no reason.
"Zi Xi, I want to talk to him alone." Zhou Ziheng walked in, and said politely, "If it's convenient for you..."
When Xu Zixi saw Zhou Ziheng, he immediately responded and prepared to go out, "Well, you guys say, Brother Xi Qing thank you, I'm leaving first."
Xia Xiqing didn't say a word, he leaned back against the sink with his eyes downcast. Zhou Ziheng didn't say anything either, he grabbed his arm and led him to the innermost cubicle in the bathroom and closed the door.
The cramped space tried its best to suppress emotions, Xia Xiqing felt his temples throbbing. He didn't know what was wrong with him, when he thought about Zhou Ziheng calling the newcomer "Zi Xi" and referring to himself as "he", he felt inexplicably angry.
But the angry posture is too ungraceful.
Xia Xiqing licked the corner of his mouth, pretended to look at Zhou Ziheng in a relaxed manner, and said with a mocking tone, "Don't I have a name?"
Zhou Ziheng was stunned for a moment before he reacted. He tried to explain, "I think calling him by his full name is too serious. He will misunderstand that I am putting pressure on him as a senior."
"So?" Xia Xiqing looked into his eyes and insisted, "Don't I have a name?"
Being looked at like this, Zhou Ziheng's guilty conscience was exposed. He wanted to call him Xi Qing, or even a more intimate name, but he didn't have the right position.
"You pulled me in and didn't say anything." Xia Xiqing crossed his arms over his chest and raised the corners of his eyes frivolously, "Do you want to do it now?" He didn't know who he was talking to with these harsh words, he couldn't control himself at all.
If you can't resolve your out-of-control emotions, then use another emotion to cover them up.
Xia Xiqing raised his chin, and the arc of his neck stretched out had a kind of fragile beauty.
"Do you think I acted well just now?" There were still drops of water on his cheeks. "Does it look good when I cry? Does it make you want to protect me?"
The series of tortures cruelly hit Zhou Ziheng's heart.
Watching Zhou Ziheng's brows furrowing more and more and his clenched fists turning white in the knuckles, Xia Xiqing felt an inexplicable sense of accomplishment, as if angering Zhou Ziheng could bring him great pleasure.
He sneered, a few strands of wet hair sticking to his cheeks, "Do you pity me? Do you pity me so you want to do it with me?"
"How about a kiss first?" Xia Xiqing leaned close to him, her lips that had been bitten just now glowing with a bright color.
Zhou Ziheng finally couldn't bear it anymore and pushed him against the wall.
The stone thrown into the center of the lake was finally about to fall to the silent and cold bottom of the lake. Xia Xiqing lowered her eyes, but was hugged by Zhou Ziheng, holding her tightly in his arms.
He frowned in surprise and tried to push Zhou Ziheng away, but he held him tighter.
"I'm very angry now," Zhou Ziheng's voice was a little shaky, and it was obvious that he was trying hard to suppress his emotions, "but I will calm down in a while."
Xia Xiqing was stunned, his voice weak.
"You're angry... why are you hugging me?"
"Otherwise you will run away, and I will regret it after I calm down. I don't want to regret it." Zhou Ziheng tightened his arms.
There was a moment of silence, in which only each other's heartbeats could be heard. Zhou Ziheng loosened his grip slightly, and he took a deep breath, "I'm not angry now." The hand slowly moved up, stroking Xia Xiqing's head, and the palm was incredibly warm.
It takes courage and patience to embrace a rose.
I know that the thorns will pierce into the skin and into the blood, but it doesn't matter. Give me a minute, I'll pull them out and the pain will soon subside.
But I still want to hug that rose.
Zhou Ziheng finally said what he had wanted to say to him from the beginning and kissed his hair gently.
"Don't be afraid, Xiqing."
"I'm here."