"Can I kiss you?"
Nanyang was stunned as expected, his brows wrinkled slightly, as if he was thinking about rejection.
Ah Huan explained a little hurriedly: "I have brushed my teeth several times. Besides, I haven't used my mouth for anyone in the last month."
The dim yellow light of the toilet shone on her face, in addition to being enchanting, it was also a bit more depressing.
"I..." Nanyang hesitated.
Seeing Nan Yang's expression, A Huan quickly covered the loss in his eyes, and waved his hand pretending not to care: "I'm teasing you, I know you love cleanliness, so I won't touch you."
Nanyang shook his head: "I don't think you are dirty, it's just... I used my mouth today, so I'll brush my teeth too."
The smile on Ah Huan's face disappeared immediately, she walked over quickly, stared at Nanyang and asked loudly, "You use your mouth? Are you crazy?! Who is it? Who is so powerful that you want to use your mouth for her?! "Her heart hurts so bad all of a sudden, she can't imagine Nanyang bowing his head under another person, how can the cleanest person in her eyes help others with her mouth? If she is really lonely, why not find herself? She is the prettiest one here and the best technique, why didn't she choose her
"I mean..." Nanyang stared at A Huan who was out of control, "I ate a candied haws with my mouth."
She pointed to a bamboo stick on the stack of banknotes on the bedside table.
Ah Huan was stunned, and after a long while, she scolded an unpleasant swear word.
Nanyang explained: "Don't you like to eat hawthorn, I may have a bit of hawthorn taste in my mouth..."
"To shut up!"
Ah Huan scolded, threw the bath towel in her hand and sat on Nan Yang. She held her face and kissed those light-colored eyes.
Yeah, just the eyes. She dared not kiss her lips. How could someone like her be worthy of touching the pure land with the sweetness of hawthorn.
Ah Huan felt the subtle touch of each eyelash on his lips, and was reluctant to let go for a long time. She didn't kiss enough, she felt that Nanyang was sweet, and even her eyebrows were as attractive as licorice candy, and she wished she could be swallowed into her stomach. This is the cleanest thing she has done in recent years: kissing a clean woman, kissing her clean eyes.
Ah Huan found something while kissing her eyes.
She fell in love with Nanyang. Only when two people are in love, simply kissing the eyelashes will make her soul tremble. She fell in love with her, just like earthworms fell in love with flowers, mice fell in love with sunshine, there is no suspense, there is no way to avoid it.
How could people in the ditch not yearn for the light.
Ah Huan finally let go of Nan Yang's eyes. She lay on Nanyang's shoulder and panted, pursing her lips while panting, reminiscing about the infatuation.
"I'll never use my mouth again, can I kiss you every time?"
Ah Huan asked in a pleading tone.
Nanyang was silent for a while, then said softly, "Actually, no matter what you look like, you can kiss me."
Ah Huan smiled: "You'd better not say such things to me. As soon as you say it, I want to be good."
She was lying on Nanyang's shoulder, so she couldn't see it. Nanyang's eyes were gloomy at this time.
"It doesn't matter, you can do whatever you want, you can continue here, or you can be good. As long as it's the life you like, I respect you."
Nanyang raised his hand and rubbed A Huan's long hair, pampering him like a pair of ordinary lovers.
Ah Huan slept very well this night. Because she heard the word respect from Nanyang's mouth. For the first time in years, she heard people talk to her about respect. This gave her the illusion that she too could stand in the sun like a normal person.
Waking up the next day, Nan Yang stood in front of the bedside table, took out her wallet and flipped it around.
But she doesn't usually look through her purse in the morning, because she always gives it in advance the night before.
"Why, you want to give me some money to buy breakfast..." Ah Huan murmured softly.
Nanyang counted ten sheets and placed them on top of the original fifteen sheets. She said seriously, "This is the money added to last night."
Ah Huan was stunned, she twitched the corner of her mouth with difficulty, "Added... money?"
Nanyang looked at her.
A Huan said word by word, "Do you think... I sold it to you?"
The kiss she had spent her whole life trying to get, the cleanest kiss in her life, made her confirm that she loved her, why did she give her money
Why be so cruel
She just... just kissed her eyes, did she think... that someone like herself would get paid for even touching her eyes? Why has to be this way? Why let her most precious and simple things be stained with the stench of a transaction
Ah Huan's tears flowed down.
Nanyang frowned slightly.
She just wanted to give her a little more.
Ah Huan got up from the bed, picked up the large amount of money and smashed it in Nan Yang's face. For a while, red bills floated everywhere, just as beautiful and moving as in the TV series.
"Go away! Take your money and go!!" Ah Huan's eyes were blood red, and there were two blue veins floating on his neck.
This was the first time that she hated others for giving her money. The money seemed to be lingering with her knife. One cut would make her bloody and stubborn.
Every banknote is opening a mouthful of blood at her, mocking her wishful thinking.
Do you deserve to love someone too
Nanyang didn't speak, and there was a little pain in his eyes. She didn't pick up the money on the ground, she just clenched her fingers and seemed to want to say something, but she didn't say anything after all, and walked to the door alone.
When she walked to the door, Ah Huan cried and threw the pillow over, cursing, "Don't come to me again! I think you're disgusting!"
Nanyang looked back at her, frowning slightly.
After a long time, she opened her mouth and asked, "You're true... Don't you want me to find you again?"
Ah Huan scolded: "Go away! I'm not joking with you, go away now! Don't come to me in this life!"
"Why?" She was struggling.
"I said, I think you're disgusting! You are noble, you come to us and don't do it, you sleep all day long, who are you disgusting? Your existence is the biggest mistake, you have to remind me every day, You are the most goddamn brightest in the world, we are all maggots in the gutter, we are all worms rotting in the cesspool, you are the only person, and you are the clean person, right?! I think you are the kind of person You vomit once at a time, get out! Get out of here immediately!! Don't come to me again!!!"
She also scolded a lot, as if all the swear words she knew all her life had been scoured and scolded over and over, and every word seemed to be crying blood to accuse the woman at the door for her evil deeds.
Nanyang took a deep look at her one last time.
Then she walked to the door without saying a word and opened it silently.
It turned out that her appearance in this Fengyuechang was a mistake.
If disappearing herself is what she wants, then she will.
What she wants, she always has. What she didn't want, she always gave up. including herself.
.
If Ah Huan knew that after she said this, Nanyang really never came again, she would definitely not say that.
Besides, she didn't really blame her at all, she should thank her for kissing Nanyang's eyes recklessly once. The only thing she resented was her unbearable self.
How much she hated herself, how badly she scolded herself that day. Every word she scolded was mocking herself.
She still remembers that one night Nanyang put the half-read book on the bedside table to wash. She picked up the book secretly, and while looking at it curiously, she caught a glimpse of a dazzling paragraph on the book—
"Those boys who barely knew her, the slanted handwriting, the childish words, the little animals on the stationery, said she was a rose, a soup that stayed up late. Standing in the middle of the courtship of the suitors, she couldn't say anything. : Actually, I'm not worthy of you. I'm orange juice and bisque sour, I'm roses and lilies covered with insect eggs, I'm a brightly lit city where no one sees or needs it. the North Star."
Stale orange juice and bisque.
Roses and lilies covered with eggs.
In the brightly lit city, there is a North Star that no one can see or need.
She endured for a long time that night, so that her tears did not fall on the pure white paper.
I'm not good enough for you.
Yeah... I don't deserve it. How can I be worthy
She hated herself for being a mouse crawling in a dirty ditch, and hating herself for trying to catch the light that didn't belong to her. She hopes to scold her away and let her go back to her clean world. But she couldn't help but want to keep her, she loved her, so she wanted to drag her into the quagmire, but she also hoped that she could save her.
Nanyang.
Besides you, who else can save me
I'm sorry, Nanyang.
Nanyang, save me.
On Sunday, she stood tremblingly in the doorway, as if her blood was about to flow backwards. She glanced outside the door, glanced at her watch, and shivered with fear. Sister Liu noticed that she was shaking and asked if she was sick.
"Sister Liu, do you think she will come?" Ah Huan barely kept the smile on her face.
"How is your old friend?" Sister Liu glanced at her watch, "Then she must be here, doesn't she come at eight o'clock this time of the week?"
There is someone who has a lot of money and looks beautiful, and will come to her every Wednesday and Sunday at eight o'clock. Even the new lady yesterday knows about this.
"Then I scolded her last time, and I told her not to come again." Ah Huan said in a soft tone like a spoiled child.
"Tsk, this woman has a small heart. She is no rougher than a man. If you say that to her, she might get angry. It's normal."
"right."
Ah Huan's heart began to sink deeper and deeper, and it was painful.
The time slowly approached eight o'clock, and at the exact moment of eight o'clock, she felt that a string in her heart was broken. But she quickly tied them with her own hands, stretched her neck and continued to look out. At 8:10, 8:30, and 9:00, the tall figure did not appear at the door.
Ah Huan felt that she should call and ask her to see if she was angry with him. But when she took out her mobile phone, she remembered that they had never exchanged any contact information at all. The only link between them was the stack of banknotes on the bedside table.
She was getting more and more frightened, too frightened. Only then did she realize that if Nanyang really didn't come to her, they would never meet again. Why didn't she tell her, don't need cash, or WeChat transfer? But... After all, she is an indifferent young lady, and her WeChat ID will be like a maggot in the tarsus when she appears in Nanyang's list, which is disgusting.
Sister Liu noticed Ah Huan. She glanced at her watch and shouted at Ah Huan, "Hey, she won't be here. Would you like to find another guest? There are two or three gentlemen over there who want to order you."
Ah Huan shook his head.
In fact, not only did she not pick up customers today, but since last Friday, she had not picked up customers for a whole week. If it wasn't for the fact that she had Nanyang as a regular customer, the store would not have allowed her to not pick up customers for so long.
She just leaned against the door, staring intently at the corner of the street. Xiaoyan and Xiaofang both said that she was crazy, that she didn't want to make money because of a woman, did she really think she could defend herself for a person? Stop laughing.
It was past twelve o'clock, and there were many fewer people on the street, and the roadside was full of dim night lights. The guests who are interested in patronizing are also arranged upstairs, and there are only a few sisters who have not been invited on the first floor.
Ah Huan finally couldn't stand it anymore, she leaned against the door and cried loudly, that woman was a dead brain, she wanted to eat pineapple, she would buy her a pineapple, and if she wanted red roses, she would bring her red roses, She now wants her not to come again, she must take it seriously, she really will never come again.
What should she do? If only her world had always been dirty. If she hadn't seen with her own eyes what it should be like to be clean, she wouldn't be as sad as she is now.
The only clean thing in her world.
her light.
That's it.
.
Nanyang stood far away in the darkness of the street corner, looking at the woman who was squatting on the ground and crying.
She didn't know why she was crying, let alone if she was crying for herself. She didn't have the courage to step forward, she didn't dare to hear those words again.
- Your existence is a mistake.
- I never want to see you again in my life.
She really didn't have the courage to look at that face and say these things to her.
How can my existence be a mistake
I am someone who exists only for you.
.
This was the last time she saw Ah Huan in those decades.
After that, she just lived in that city, breathing the air under the same sky as her, and never went to see her in the tight alley again. She longed to be with her, but she didn't want to disturb her. If you shouldn't appear again, then disappearing is the best outcome.
Her love for her is the most bottomless love in the world.
She loves her, no matter what she becomes, no matter if she is on a bright and shining stage or in a dirty ditch, no matter if she is noble or low, elegant or vulgar, no matter if her body and soul are rotten No matter what, she loves her. If she can't pull her out of the dust, she'll fall with her. If she doesn't even give her the qualification to fall, then she will leave.
When she needs light, she becomes light. When she felt dazzling, she brushed past her.
That was all the tenderness she could give her.
.
Decades later, when he heard the news of Ah Huan's death, Nan Yang sent a bunch of hawthorn flowers on the day of her burial.
The photo on the tombstone is an old face. She has seen her old age many times. This time, she is still as kind and lovely as before.
She touched her photo carefully with her fingertips, and looked at the old eyes on the photo for a long time. At the end, she closed her eyes, leaned over, and pressed her eyes to the wrinkled lips in the photo.
light joy.
Qinghuan, do you know
The kiss you are willing to give is my only light.
During these long years of being unable to get close to you, I have always been blind both physically and mentally. It was only when you kissed my eyes that night that I was granted a temporary light.
A group of strangers who joined in the fun in the distance watched the young woman not only send flowers reverently, but also leaned against the photo for a long time with great intimacy, and they covered their mouths and whispered—
"Is anyone really here to give her flowers? I thought this weird old woman had no friends..."
"Isn't that right? She lived on that street alone for decades, and she never saw anyone. If her brother hadn't helped her collect her body this time, I wouldn't have known she still had relatives."
"I heard that she was a young lady when she was young, and she took jobs on that street. Then, I don't know what happened, and suddenly she stopped doing it. It's strange to say that a lady who doesn't work in this business usually wants to leave that dirty place. Far away, so as not to delay them finding an honest man to marry. But this woman has been living in that street since Congliang, renting a dilapidated basement that leaks and has lived for decades. "
"I heard she was waiting for someone?"
"Then who knows? Anyway, I heard people say that she has to stand at the intersection of the street for an hour every night at eight o'clock. But in the past few decades, no one has ever come to her."
"Later, didn't she wait until she went crazy. It seems that since she was in her thirties or forties, people became crazy, always saying: I was wrong, I was wrong, I'm sorry, I'm sorry or something. I don't know what I did before. Yo."
"A dirty woman like her who has been a young lady, no matter how miserable she is, she deserves it!"
"Isn't it? It's dirty!"
"She deserves to be unloved in her whole life and grow old alone!"
"It's so pitiful that no one cares about it for the rest of my life..."
"Who cares about such a lousy woman?"
"I heard that she was very beautiful when she was young. Why, don't you always want to marry a beautiful one?"
"Fuck! You just want to marry her!"
"If you dare to curse me, you will marry her, and your whole family will marry her!"
The wind carried their gossip and wandered in the cold sky, smashed and scattered, melted into the clouds, and turned into a heavy rain this evening. Gentleness was exposed to everyone and everything in the city.
.
After the funeral, Nanyang booked a plane to Australia.
No matter what, this life is over. Her regrets, after all, can only be pinned on the next life.
Mei Zhongli went to the airport to see her off.
During the ticket check, a pregnant woman was in a hurry to negotiate with the staff because she lost her ticket. Her husband kept interrupting beside her, attracting the attention of many idlers. Nanyang sat on the waiting seat and looked over, looking at it, his heart suddenly moved.
His eyes moved down to the slightly bulging belly of the pregnant woman.
Mei Zhongli brought hot coffee and was about to hand it to Nanyang. When he saw Nanyang in a trance, he asked, "Old Ancestor, what are you looking at?"
Nanyang's lips moved slightly, and he murmured softly, "... Ninety-ninth."
Mei Zhongli immediately understood what Nanyang meant.
The plane ticket still didn't land, and the pregnant woman's husband smiled ingratiatingly at the pregnant woman, and peeled off a piece of chocolate and stuffed it into the pregnant woman's angrily mouth. Nanyang looked at them, couldn't help but smiled, and said to Mei Zhongli, "Help me take care of her, and when she grows up, I will come back and marry her."
Mei Zhongli replied respectfully, "Yes, I will take good care of her."
Nanyang didn't speak any more, just stared at the pregnant woman who was chewing chocolate in a trance, with secretly flowing joy and hope for a resurgence in her eyes.
Mei Zhongli remembered the woman who had fallen into mud in the land of wind and moon, remembered that when he was a child, he watched Nanyang's noble figure step into the filthy and filthy tube building again and again, and remembered that after their separation, Nanyang had been there for decades. Every sleepless night, I look at the back of Tongzilou alone. The young man clenched his fists and whispered to himself:
"Don't worry, I will definitely give you the most perfect wife."
I will definitely give you the purest woman, a woman whose body and soul belong to you alone, a woman who can live in the worship of all people.
She must have only you in her eyes.
She can't have any chance to like someone else.
She must marry you as a virgin.
She can no longer hide in dirty and dark corners.
She has to... be a shining star.
Mei Zhongli gritted his teeth tightly, looking at the pregnant woman with an unprecedented firmness in his eyes.
Nanyang is already doing his best to respect Qinghuan. For three thousand years, she has appeared by her side in the most "dispensable" state. She also does not want to cause any shackles to her. She hopes that she can live freely and happily more than anyone else in the world. Even if she is not in her happiness, she is satisfied for her.
But sometimes, fate has already written the ending from the beginning, there is no escape, there is no escape.
How could she have expected it
expected that-
She thought it was the beginning of letting go, the beginning of her loved one's life being bound.