“Hu…Hu…Hu…Hu…”
The wind outside the window kept blowing the curtains, as if there were black shadows wandering outside.
Under the cover of night, who is standing outside the window
perhaps,
Most people had such speculations and similar doubts when they were young.
Zhu Shengnan lay on the bed with her eyes open.
She has her own separate room.
Your own big bed,
Your own wardrobe,
Your own dressing table,
She has,
A home in great condition.
If we were to count the number of women named Shengnan across China, the number would be astonishingly large.
Parents themselves may not feel that way.
But this name itself carries a kind of oppression. Even the person bearing this name will subconsciously hate his or her own name.
As if my birth, as if my gender,
For my parents’ family,
It's a kind of helplessness.
It is a sigh of resignation.
I want a son.
But she gave birth to a daughter,
In desperation, I gave him the name "Shengnan".
It can be considered a kind of "self-deception" by parents.
Humans, through the construction of ethics and morality, have been able to distinguish themselves from animals and gradually break away from the order of all things;
But everything has two sides. The distortion of ethics and morals often becomes a side effect and begins to harm human beings themselves.
It's five o'clock in the morning.
Zhu Shengnan woke up early.
But I don’t know what to do.
She is six years old and is originally of kindergarten age, but her family did not let her go to kindergarten. Instead, they hired a private tutor to teach her at home.
She did not resist, nor did she know how to resist.
I can't sleep, and it's not even daybreak yet.
She won't quarrel or make a scene.
She has a home.
But the light in this house is a bit dim.
She didn't know what to do at this point.
watch TV
Read comics
Go to your parents' room, crawl into their bed and act coquettishly
She just sat there, leaning against the head of the bed.
I sat there until the sky began to brighten.
There were footsteps downstairs. It should be my grandma who got up and was preparing breakfast for the family.
She got up, too.
Get dressed,
Wash up,
After getting yourself ready,
Walked down the stairs slowly.
"Shengnan, come and eat."
"Okay, grandma."
Shengnan did not sit at the dining table.
Instead, he stood at the door of the small room in the corner of the living room.
Grandma came up with a tray with porridge and bowls and chopsticks on it.
The so-called eating,
She didn't ask her granddaughter to have breakfast with her.
It doesn't matter if people eat or not, it doesn't matter if people are hungry or not,
Bodhisattvas must never be owed anything.
Grandma carefully placed the offerings on the table, arranged them properly, then knelt down on the cushion in front and kowtowed devoutly.
In Zhu Shengnan's memory, her grandmother did not believe in Buddhism. She didn't know when she started to believe in it.
After kneeling,
Grandma stood up, reached out and grabbed Zhu Shengnan's wrist.
Grandma took out the needle, inserted it into Zhu Shengnan's arm, and drew half a tube of blood.
Then, the grandmother injected her granddaughter's blood into the wick.
Zhu Shengnan didn't know where her grandmother learned this method from, but she liked it very much because compared to drawing blood, some other methods would be more uncomfortable for her.
Grandma knelt down again and began to worship again, but this time, she was kneeling to worship the painting under the altar.
In the painting,
There are two ghost messengers and a boy in front.
Grandma was muttering prayers to herself, very devoutly.
Zhu Shengnan looked at the painting. She had seen this painting countless times.
Many days and nights, grandma would whip me, or dad would hold a cigarette butt, or they would just beat themselves.
In front of this picture,
The meaning is to let the two ghosts in this painting see it.
explain,
As long as you do this,
Dad will have a son.
Yes,
Dad wanted a son.
Grandma also wants a grandson.
They want the boy dolls in the pictures.
The following structure is different from mine.
Zhu Shengnan knew very well that she was a completely redundant character in this family. She had been redundant since the day she was born.
She forgot whether she had cried or not.
I also can't remember whether I had caused any trouble.
If this is a besieged city,
Then it has no door for you to enter or exit.
People outside the city cannot see inside.
People in the city can't go outside.
People cannot decide which family they are born into. Once born, they have no choice.
The Bodhisattva finished eating.
It's time for people to eat it.
Zhu Shengnan sat at the dining table and her grandmother served her porridge.
There are also small buns and pickles on the table, and there is no shortage of eggs, milk and other things.
Except in that little room,
Grandma is very good to me.
Take care of yourself eating,
Care about what you wear,
Take good care of yourself.
Very considerate of myself,
Just like taking good care of your beloved baby.
Zhu Shengnan remembers,
My grandmother used to be a professional pig farmer, and that’s how she supported my father to go to college and work.
Dad came down, sat at the table, smiled at Zhu Shengnan, and asked:
"Has the Buddha eaten?"
"I've eaten." Grandma replied.
"Um."
Dad ate a little and then got up to go to work. Before leaving, he said, "I won't be back tonight."
"Well, don't come back."
Zhu Shengnan knew that her father was going to stay with another woman tonight.
This matter,
Grandma knows it too.
He wanted a son.
She wanted grandchildren.
The mother and son have the same goal.
My mother gave birth to me as her first child.
After that, the three consecutive babies were all girls when they were examined by B-ultrasound, and they were all miscarried.
In fact, a long time ago, the country stipulated that doctors are not allowed to disclose the baby's gender during B-ultrasound.
But the rules are always good, and the original intention is always good.
However,
It is people, not machines, who enforce the regulations.
Even though the regulations are like this, there are countless cases every year where men decide to have an abortion after learning that their wife is pregnant with a daughter.
This may be,
It's also a kind of luck.
If those baby girls are born into a family where they would have an abortion if they knew it was a girl, it would be better for them to leave early and wait for the next reincarnation.
Ending it cleanly at the beginning doesn't seem to be a bad thing compared to the treatment and injustice they will suffer after they are born.
But Zhu Shengnan knew that
Dad has many women outside.
Several women were pregnant.
But they were all girls and they were all aborted.
My father is a dentist.
He made his woman have an abortion as easily as he would extract a tooth from a patient.
Without a son, no matter how many daughters they have, it will be meaningless to them.
This is an obsession.
An obsession that seems incredible to outsiders.
After Dad left, Mom came down.
Mom's hair is a little messy.
Not in a very good spirit.
Zhu Shengnan is a little afraid of her mother.
Especially when I sit at the same table with my mother.
“Bang!”
“It’s so hot!”
Mom's mouth was burned by the porridge.
The bowl of porridge was overturned and the boiling hot meat porridge spilled all over Zhu Shengnan.
Zhu Shengnan's body trembled slightly, but she didn't cry out in pain, and even ignored it.
Mom did it on purpose.
She knows,
Mom doesn't like herself and hates herself.
She felt that Zhu Shengnan was the culprit who caused her family's current situation.
If I were a boy, my mother would still have a happy family.
"This broom kid makes me angry when I see him!"
Mom picked up the chopsticks and started hitting Zhu Shengnan.
Zhu Shengnan just sat there, motionless, letting her beat her.
Smoke it.
Although it hurts when chopsticks hit my body,
But compared to using cigarette butts, scissors, or knives to scrape yourself,
It doesn't matter.
Grandma just sat there, chewing the steamed bun quietly.
At this time, grandma
Just like Jia Mu in Dream of the Red Chamber,
Standing high above, watching the fighting and noise below.
Breakfast is over.
My mother went upstairs again. Three consecutive miscarriages made it impossible for her to continue her pregnancy and also dealt a huge blow to her spirit. She locked herself up at home all day.
And she herself knew,
Her husband,
Still for a boy,
Outside,
On other women,
Working hard.
When people watch TV dramas, they often feel that it is ridiculous and always feel that such things cannot happen in real life.
But in fact,
Stories that happen in real life are often more like TV dramas than TV dramas.
Many of the bottom lines of human beings are more terrifying than the madness of artists.
The private teacher is here.
daytime,
Just go to class.
Wait till night,
The private teacher left.
Grandma called her:
"It's time for dinner."
Zhu Shengnan came down and stood obediently at the door of the small room.
Grandma opened the door and went in with her.
A blade appeared in grandma's hand.
She took off her clothes.
Another wound appeared on his body, and blood began to flow out.
Grandma knelt on the ground, started crying, and hugged her and cried.
"My poor granddaughter,
Oh, God, please open your eyes.
My poor granddaughter,
My sweetheart... "
Grandma often cries.
She felt that by crying, she could move the Bodhisattva and the two people in the cartoon.
It's just like when there is a funeral in the countryside, the sisters-in-law who were chatting and laughing cheerfully before will start crying loudly as soon as they enter the room. My grandmother also inherited this skill.
She said that Bodhisattva has a lot of things to do, and if you don’t shout louder, she won’t hear you clearly.
If she can't hear clearly, she will ignore you.
Zhu Shengnan looked at her grandmother who was kneeling on the ground holding her.
Look ahead again.
Suddenly,
She saw the two people in the painting seemed to move, yes, they moved.
One of them seemed to be smiling at himself.
She immediately shouted:
"Grandma, the people in the painting are moving."
She is happy.
Even excited.
perhaps,
When Dad and Grandma's business was done,
Can I escape from this numb life
The hardest things to extinguish and kill are often fantasies.
“Bang!”
Grandma slapped Zhu Shengnan on the face.
Scolding:
"You idiot, who are you kidding? What nonsense are you talking about!"