Yuan Yuan said he wanted to rest, but sat in front of the desk in the hotel, thinking quietly with his head on his hands.
He told Xiao Zhou before that he has no interest in love at this stage, which is true.
From the beginning of his adolescence until now as a grown man, he has never had "love" for anyone.
It was an abstract concept for him. If love is like his parents, supporting each other, understanding each other, and spending a lifetime together, then Yuan Yuan feels that love does not need to be searched deliberately. Whether it is male or female, a person who makes him feel comfortable, someone he can understand, and the other person can understand him, is enough to be called love.
However, it's obviously not that simple.
Love is too complicated, and he has to calculate even friendship, for fear that he will give too much if he is not careful, how can he be willing to give love to someone.
Of course, it's good that no unlucky person gets such stingy love from him.
But Chen Donglan...
Chen Donglan is different.
In the afternoon, they ascended the highest mountain in Forest Park that can still be climbed on foot after snowfall.
Although the inherent climbing route on the mountain is checked for safety every day, and there are guardrails and stairs at the critical points, Yuan Yuan and Chen Donglan still walked step by step, slowly but steadily.
Yuan Yuan walked in front, and Chen Donglan followed behind. Every time he took a step, he could hear the sound of Chen Donglan's shoes stepping on the stone steps behind him, and followed him closely.
"Chen Donglan, what kind of people are in your family?"
He asked suddenly.
Chen Donglan didn't like to recall the past with his family, and even more so with Yuan Yuan. He didn't want those to affect his mood when he was with Yuan Yuan.
"Well... Mom is a strong person."
Chen Donglan answered briefly.
Mother Chen is very strong. It is also because she has to be strong that after a failed marriage, she immediately welcomes the next marriage with confidence. The only thing that can be seen that she is still haunted by her first failure is her very different attitude towards Chen Donglan and Xiaode.
"What about stepfather, is he good to you?"
Chen Donglan replied angrily: "I have very little communication with him, and it is not very clear."
Although it was not clear, he knew that his stepfather Uncle Xu was very gentle. He tolerated everything about Mother Chen, and tolerated him as much as possible. It's a pity that it's not a family after all, and some things can't be forced.
"Then what about yourself, you should know what kind of person you are, right?" Yuan Yuan abruptly accelerated his pace and climbed a high step in a few steps.
Chen Donglan was disrupted by Yuan Yuan's question, he didn't keep up for a while and almost fell.
"Be careful." Yuan Yuan gave him a hand and gave him an upward force.
Chen Donglan stood up with the force he gave, always holding a sigh of relief. "Why are you asking these all of a sudden?"
Yuan Yuan withdrew his hand and continued to walk forward: "Probably... I found that I knew too little about you before."
He looked at the empty mountains in front of him and saw the snow-capped mountains, and felt that it was very similar to Chen Donglan.
Chen Donglan didn't realize that something was wrong, and he began to think about who he was. He and Chen mother or uncle do not have any resemblance. Mother Chen has a strong personality and is confident in everything she does, while Chen Donglan is just the opposite. Although Uncle Xu is gentle, he does not lose the maturity and stability of an older man, cheerful and enthusiastic, and does not match with Chen Donglan.
"I... I'm not a good person."
Chen Donglan sighed in his heart.
"Can't find even a single advantage?" Yuan Yuan slowed down.
Chen Donglan followed him up a long slope, and the mountain wind blowing in front of him lifted his spirits.
There's really nothing good about him. Both rigid and dull, all behaviors and words are very clumsy, and he has never learned to get along with others in his life.
The only thing he thinks... can be called an advantage.
"Persistence," he said.
Yuan Yuan stopped in place.
After Chen Donglan finished speaking, he immediately felt embarrassed. Is persistence necessarily a virtue? It is not necessarily that in the eyes of more people, his more than ten years of feelings are not good "persistence", but "dead brains".
Yuan Yuan faced him: "Why do you say that you are persistent?"
"No..." Chen Donglan lowered his head in disguise, "I'm just talking casually." He took a step forward, "Let's continue walking?"
Yuan Yuan didn't move, didn't speak, just looked at him, that was really a pair of eyes that could see everything clearly, as if he had been dissected from head to toe.
In an instant, Chen Donglan fell into an ice cellar.
"I don't even know, you can read love poems..." Yuan Yuan said, "Actually, the photo in the school newspaper was not well taken. I didn't want to cooperate with the photo. It was taken secretly by the teacher. If you really want a photo Take a picture of me, you can tell me directly."
With a buzzing sound, Chen Donglan's eyes flashed, his temples throbbed, and his head almost exploded.
Yuan Yuan continued: "That day, your brother found the "Portuguese Sonnets" on the bookshelf. He said that you were three years in high school and always put it in a conspicuous place, so it was very impressive."
Chen Donglan's voice trembled: "You..."
Although he didn't finish speaking, Yuan Yuan hummed softly.
Chen Donglan suddenly accepted his fate.
At that time, when he was still young, he couldn't help it, and when he was extremely missed, he desperately needed something that could be seen and touched to comfort himself.
He secretly loved Yuan Yuan for so many years, and he was always careful not to leave any traces. The only photo they had together was a junior high school graduation photo, which he hid in a box full of sundries. In college, he asked Yuan Yuan's handwritten defenses from his senior and senior sister, and at midnight he rubbed his handwriting over and over again and wrote it over and over again, but he burned them all in the end, and not even ashes were left.
However, even with the utmost care, for more than ten years, there will always be some negligence and leave clues.
His learning ability is too poor. Having a crush on this kind of thing, he has studied diligently for more than ten years, but he is not good at it.
Seeing that he lowered his head deeply, Yuan Yuan suddenly became hoarse.
"I'm sorry." Chen Donglan stared at the ground, his eyes bloodshot, his vision blurred.
"I've been lying to you for so many years, I'm really sorry. I really have been pregnant with you since a long time ago..." Chen Donglan bit his tongue, so that his voice would not continue to tremble.
He was no longer the kid who shivered when asked.
"I do... have the wrong feelings for you."
"Chen Donglan..."
"Let me finish!" Chen Donglan interrupted him, "I beg you, even now, let me finish."
Yuan Yuan tightened his hands and fell silent.
"I haven't said it in an upright manner, because I'm afraid you hate me, because it will definitely make you feel uncomfortable, even disgusting, after all..." He almost spit out the term, "you are secretly missed by a gay man. For more than ten years, I'm sorry, really sorry."
When he finished, he felt like every word he said was hitting his heart.
It's not a heartbeat, it's a hammer blowing hard.
I don't know how long it took, Yuan Yuan whispered: "I don't think you are disgusting."
It's just that this feeling is too deep, he is like a person standing by a fire, scared away by the heat, and confused by the firelight.
But he couldn't deny that he would be drawn to this fire in the cold.
"It's too cold on the mountain, let's go back to the hotel." Yuan Yuan couldn't understand his thoughts, standing still on the mountainside would easily catch a cold, he put his hand on Chen Donglan's shoulder, and his tone was as relaxed as possible, "Something, We can speak slowly."
Chen Donglan turned sideways and avoided his hand: "I will move it."
How can you not feel sick? It's just that Yuan Yuan has always been a very good person. Even if something like this happens, he won't blame him and will tolerate him.
"I will move out of the shared place, and from now on, I will try to keep my distance from you as much as possible. Will this make you feel better?"
"Chen Donglan." Yuan Yuan called his name, "We can talk about everything slowly."
Chen Donglan raised his head and showed a disrespectful smile: "Okay, we'll talk about it later. You go back to the hotel first, and I'll walk up the mountain. I want to calm down for a while."
Yuan Yuan felt a pain in his heart and was speechless.
Chen Donglan stepped back a few steps, his shoes stepped on the fine stones, and the sound of clicking almost covered his voice. "We'll see you soon," he said.
Chen Donglan turned around and continued walking up the mountain.
Yuan Yuan stared at him for a long time, and when Chen Donglan was no longer in sight, he turned around and took the first step down the mountain.
Just one step, like crushing a foot in the heart, opened a hole.
Chen Donglan faced the mountain wind and went all the way up.
He remembered one thing. As a child, there was no smartphone, and television was a huge attraction for him and Xiaode.
Xiaode likes to watch cartoons the most. The racing cartoons of that era made Xiaode unable to stop.
Mom and Uncle Xu are very strict, and stipulate that the children watch TV for only one hour a day, which is exactly the length of time that the two cartoon stations broadcast racing cartoons every day.
Because he knew this clearly, no matter how much Chen Donglan didn't like watching cartoons, and how desperately he wanted to watch another popular science program, he didn't say anything.
He would sit next to Xiaode every day, watching animations with no interest with him, like chewing a piece of leather that would never be chewed. In this way, mother and Uncle Xu will think that the two children have the same interests, and they will not worry about how to allocate TV sets.
There is no such thing as patience and giving up that cannot be dealt with in this world.
But.
But-
He turned around and ran frantically down the mountain.
But this is different!
Yuan Yuan was different. In his life, only his love for Yuan Yuan could not endure, and only Yuan Yuan could not give up.
"Yuan Yuan!" he shouted.
"Yuan Yuan..." He was desperately looking for Yuan Yuan on the long and narrow road, he wanted to hold him and tell him that he couldn't do it.
Tell him - even if you can't live together, can you keep me as your friend
He would swear to give up hope, no illusions.
He ran too fast, had difficulty breathing, and gradually became unable to make a sound. He could only hold on to the railing beside the road, breathing heavily.
could not find it.
He did not find Yuan Yuan. In the mountains and forests, there is not even an irrelevant tourist, and he is the only one in the vast void.
He cried.
Crying silently.