It was a rare sunny day when I was discharged from the hospital. It has been rainy for several days in a row. When I woke up in the morning and saw the warm golden sun outside the window, the haze in my heart was swept away.
After packing up his things, thanking the doctors and nurses, he left the hospital. I picked up some things on the street and I was going to see Xiao Yiyi, the little girl I met in the garden that day. In the past few days, I often go to see her and get to know her family a lot. It is also necessary to say goodbye after being discharged from the hospital.
When I went, the little girl had just woken up, and her mother was feeding her. Whenever she saw me, she called "Uncle Mu", and her cheeks were round with rice in her mouth.
"Why did you come here so early today? Have you had breakfast yet?" When her mother saw me, she hurriedly got up and greeted me politely. I waved my hand to signal her to leave me alone. "It's okay. I'm discharged from the hospital today. I'm here to say goodbye to you."
"Are you in good health? It's great. We still have to endure." Yiyi's mother smiled and sighed.
"It's okay, Yiyi will be healthy and safe for the rest of her life after getting through this test." I walked over and put all the fruit snack toys I bought for her on the table. Xiao Yiyi's eyes lit up immediately, she wanted to reach out but turned to look at her mother with some hesitation.
Yiyi's mother became anxious immediately, put down the bowl and came over to bring back everything, repeatedly expressing that she couldn't take it.
"How much is this little thing worth? Just because she called me Uncle Mu, can't I buy her something?" My attitude became more determined. It just so happened that Yiyi's father called and asked her mother to go downstairs to get the things. She really couldn't speak to me, so she had to blushed to accept the things and thanked her again and again.
"Go quickly, I'll help you look after her here." I sat next to Xiao Yiyi, took the bowl on the cabinet and fed her.
"Oh, how can you be so troublesome to let her eat by herself..."
"Come on, her father should be in a hurry." If I continue talking like this, I quickly interrupt her, and Yiyi's mother thanked her again and then went out. I smiled and shook my head, this family is really simple and cute.
When Xiao Yiyi's meal was almost finished, I put down the bowl and took out an envelope from my bag, "Yiyi, this is a gift from my uncle." I carefully put the envelope under Xiao Yiyi's pillow, the little girl He looked at me curiously with his eyes wide open. "However, this gift is very special. You have to promise uncle that you can tell mom to open it for you after uncle has left."
"Can't you open it now?" Xiao Yiyi asked nervously, completely attracted by my attention.
"No, if you open it now, the gift will disappear." The little girl looked so funny, I lowered my voice to tease her: "The witch will use magic to make it go away."
"Don't change away!!" Xiao Yiyi hurriedly pressed her hand against the pillow, as if a witch would really appear in the next second and change the envelope away. I smiled and patted her head, "So promise uncle, okay?"
"Okay!" Xiao Yiyi nodded seriously. I reached out to hook her up, which made her giggle again.
After Yiyi's parents came back, I said goodbye to the family. Before walking out of the ward, I looked at the happy family of three again, and silently blessed them before turning around and leaving.
Inside the envelope is a bank card and a letter with a password.
I told them in the letter that I was an orphan and had an incurable disease, and I had decided to give up treatment. There were only a few days left in my life, so money was of no use to me, so I might as well help them, the family that I have a destiny with. If I don't make up a reason like this and make it clear, this honest and determined couple will probably help me keep the card and will never use the money on it.
After leaving the hospital, I chose a bunch of beautiful flowers at the flower shop and bought two boxes of mung bean cakes. I took a taxi to the cemetery. I was a little surprised when I got out of the car, the air here is so quiet and beautiful, it is really a good place. First, I asked the cemetery management office about the cemetery where my mother was, and it took me a long time to find it.
There is a young photo of her on the tombstone, the figure is a little blurry, I don't know where I found it. The tablet platform is clean, and there are small stone lions carved vividly on both sides.
I stood there, not knowing what to say, and it took me a long time to remember to put down the flowers and mung bean cakes.
"That... I bought your favorite mung bean cake..."
"I'm here to see you."
I seem to have overestimated my mental capacity.
I have imagined a lot before, because I have already made plans, so I thought I would be very calm, but at this moment, I really stood here, watching the people who used to laugh and move suddenly turned into cold stone monuments, and my heart suddenly swept away. The great pain that came overwhelmed me at once. The images of me and my mother once flashed through my mind, and my nasal cavity suddenly became sore and uncomfortable. Before my eyes blurred, I coughed hard, turned my head and took a few deep breaths.
I don't want to cry, there's nothing to cry about. I would not treat myself so cruelly and let myself live in guilt and pain all my life, so there is nothing to cry about. Everything will be over soon. Thinking of this, my heart settles down.
"The scenery here is really nice." I turned to face the tombstone and said with a smile, surrounded by lush trees, probably because today is sunny and breezy, even this kind of place doesn't make people uncomfortable, I just feel peaceful and quiet.
"Really... It's been a long time since I saw you. I don't know what to say." I touched my nose uncomfortably. In fact, there are many things that can be said, but there are many things that I don't want to say. To be honest, there is nothing that makes people happy, and there is no good news to report. I didn't say anything at all, just sat down to accompany her quietly, listening to the "swirling" sound of the leaves being blown by the wind, without thinking about anything in my mind.
I sat like this for an afternoon, and only left when the sun went down. I'm just here to make sure she's all right, to see how her resting place is, and now I'm relieved that there's nothing to worry about.
When I sat in the taxi back to the city, I felt that I was a little tired, and I was struggling to breathe. The thing that has been supporting me since I woke up from that dream has finally reached its limit, and I seem to be able to hear the sound of it collapsing.
When I was about to arrive, I parked the car on the side of the road and walked slowly towards Pingqiao Park.
When I arrived at the park, there were a lot of people, most of whom came out to play sports after eating. I walked through the crowd and sat down on a stone bench by Pingqiao Lake. There is an old man playing chess next to him, and children who have just learned to walk in the distance are running around shaking their calves under the care of adults. I looked at them leisurely, and occasionally I couldn't help laughing with the laughter of the crowd.
"Pedal forward! What are you afraid of? I'll support you from behind!" Two high school boys next to him were learning to bike.
"Hold the front of the car and don't crook it!...don't crook it, don't crook it...ah!!!" Both of them fell to the ground with a bang, and the boy who was helping the car grinned his teeth and pinched the other boy's face in anger. The choked person turned around and strangled him, and the two fought like this.
I watched it funny, and suddenly thought of Yi Tian and me. Thinking of that time when he left after the fight wiping the blood on his hands, I followed him, "thank you, classmate", "what's your name, classmate", "let's make friends, classmate" and asked all the way. At first he ignored me, but then he was so annoyed by me that he stopped and looked at me like he was looking crazy and said, "Are you fucking sick?" It took a long time for her face to turn red before she could hold back a sentence: "I'm not sick."
I laughed out after thinking about it, I don't know where I got the courage to chase him every day, and I still wouldn't leave even though he annoyed me and scolded me.
I was so lonely, I wanted a friend too much but I was so inferior that I never dared to approach others. I've been through so much bullying growing up and he's the only one who saved me. Even when I was beaten by my adoptive parents when I was a child, my neighbors just called the police and looked at me with pitiful and sympathetic eyes from a distance. No one even came up to help me wipe the blood on my face. In this way, I suddenly met Yi Tian, and I couldn't see anything except him.
I still remember the first time he smiled at me was a month after we met.
I heard that he was sick, so I brought the porridge I cooked to see him, and I searched for a long time before finding his home. Before I could recover from the shock of the fountain in the garden of his house, a dog ran towards me. At that time, I didn't know that it was a harmless and familiar husky. I only saw that the dog was tall, strong and looked like a wolf, so I ran away in fright. I don’t know how long I ran in the garden. In the end, I was too tired to run. The dog threw me from behind and buried my face in the grass. The porridge in the thermos was overturned, and I sat on my back. a dog. When I struggled to sit up with my face covered in grass and mud, I found Yi Tian who was not far away was squatting on the ground holding his stomach and laughing. At that moment, listening to my heart beating faster and faster, I just thought that if he could always be happy like this, I would bury my face in the grass for the rest of my life.
I recall those warm pictures over and over again.
Until now I dare to admit that I haven't stopped loving him for a second.
When I close my eyes, it is his eyes, the corners of his tightly pursed mouth, and the breath on his body. Only in memory can I look at him with impunity, talk to him, blame him, miss him. Later, I liked him so much that I lost my mind, and I was driven crazy by the longing and paranoia in my heart every day, so I did stupid things in a daze. My results today are completely self-inflicted, I don't blame anyone, I only hate myself.
I have lived for more than 20 years, just to prove to my biological parents that it was indeed a mistake for them to give birth to me.
The night was getting deeper and deeper, and there were fewer and fewer people around. Finally, even the few couples sitting by the lake left, and I was the only one left. I got up and walked to the lake. The lake was deep and muddy under the night, and I couldn't see anything.
When my body came into contact with the lake water, I couldn't help shivering, it was cold, bitingly cold. It was as if someone had taken an ice drill to cut through the flesh and bones bit by bit and then submerged into the bone marrow. The tiny stinging pains like needle pricks densely spread all over the body.
When the lake water is above the top of the head, you can vaguely see the shadows of the trees beside the lake. The water flows from all directions to pour into the mouth and nose, and slowly sinks, and you can't see anything.
My chest started to hurt and I closed my eyes.
All my life, I have been stumbling and even bruised.
I also thought of giving up because the road was too rough, but I persisted in the end. Because I want to meet someone I trust and like, because I want to be loved, because I want happiness.
Unfortunately, I still failed myself in the end.
Then... if.
If there are gods, if there is an afterlife, give me a home.
END.
[Mu Ran continued]