"Am I sick?"
That's right, his Shengsheng was sick, very sick, and kept looking for him all day and all night without sleep or talking, as if he had been abandoned by the whole world, and there was only one boy in her world.
"Shi Jin."
"Um."
"Shi Jin."
"Um."
Wherever he went, she followed him, calling her all the time, tirelessly.
"Shi Jin."
"I am here."
"Shi Jin, where have you been?"
"Shi Jin, why did you come back?"
"Shi Jin, don't leave, okay?"
Because she only talked to him, when he was at home, she would babble and follow her with endless questions and anxiety.
Autumn is coming to an end, and the begonias behind the small building haven’t shed yet. The flowering period seems to be very long that year. There is a window in the attic, and you can look up at the starry sky, and you can see clusters of red and pink begonia flowers when you look down.
She sat there looking at the sky, and he sat beside her, behind them were their shadows, the girl's thin back, and his hands on her shoulders.
She suddenly asked: "Do you find me annoying?"
Because he wasn't around during the day, she didn't speak all day, her voice was very hoarse.
Shi Jin shook his head: "No."
She asked again: "Will you drive me away?"
"Won't."
"You will," she turned her head to look at him, a little hesitant, a little flustered, "will you want me?"
He shook his head: "No."
The young man's voice is pleasant, his words are correct, crisp and firm.
She asked, "Why?"
Shi Jin pursed his lips and seemed to be smiling: "Shengsheng, I thought you knew."
"Know what?" Because of curiosity, when she looked at him, her eyes were focused, and they were no longer so gloomy.
He also looked at her, with tiny shadows in his ink-splashed eyes, like stars outside the attic, and said to her word by word: "Shengsheng, I like you."
She froze for a long time, then smiled.
That was the first time she laughed after her mother died, and she cried while laughing.
"Shi Jin, I'm not good."
"I'm not fine at all."
Her eyes were red, and she kept crying and crying: "I have killed people, I have killed the people closest to me..."
She choked up and repeated it over and over again, her body trembling.
"Sheng Sheng."
He leaned closer to her and kissed the tears on her face.
She froze and looked up at him, the tears in her eyes condensed into light, reflecting his shadow, a beautiful young man with red lips and white teeth, like a noble young man.
He knelt down in front of her, put his hands on the ground, and wrapped her in his arms.
"You don't have to be nice." His lips were cool, and he kissed her eyes, and he said softly, "Because I'm also a bad person."
He said: "So, we are destined to be together in this life."
At that time, they had known each other for only three months. When they met, it was the most beautiful youthful years. At that time, when they were young, they thought that the world and each other would be good. It wasn't until later that she and him met the most unbearable self. When you meet the person you love the most, you lose your best self.
Since then, he has always said that he is a bad person.
She asked him why someone was guarding the door.
He said he was a bad guy and had many enemies.
She asked him why there was a gun under his pillow.
He said, "Because I'm a bad guy."
One day, she heard the sound of knocking and knocking downstairs. It turned out that Shi Jin was nailing the windows, and they nailed everything tightly so that no light could come in.
She asked him, "Why nail up all the windows?"
"There are a lot of bad people outside, I want to hide you." He got off the high stool and walked in front of her, "I am also a bad person."
She shook her head: "You're not." She looked at Shi Jin with serious eyes, there was a faint light and shadow in her hazy and gloomy eyes, and she said, "You are my favorite person."
"Boom."
The hammer hit the ground.
Shi Jin was stunned for a long time, and when he opened his mouth, he stuttered: "Shengsheng, say it again."
She looked at him without speaking.
He begged, "Say it again, okay?"
She still didn't speak, and stood for a while, looking up.
The eighteen-year-old boy was already tall, she only reached his shoulders, and then she stepped on the high stool, a little taller than him, and could kiss his lips with her head down.
"Shi Jin, I like you so much."
After finishing speaking, she bent down and put her lips on his lips, which was cool and soft.
She had never kissed anyone before, so she didn't know how to do it, so she stuck to it and didn't move away, with a little force, she knocked her teeth.
Shi Jin raised his hand, supported her waist and backed up a little.
She frowned.
But he smiled, and put his arm around her waist. She was very thin, and his waist was so thin that he didn't dare to use force, for fear that it would break if it was accidentally heavy.
"Sheng Sheng,"
Shi Jin asked: "Shall I teach you how to kiss?"
She nodded and said yes.
Then he kissed her, hard.
An eighteen-year-old boy and a sixteen-year-old girl had their first kiss, which was green but fiery. At that time, autumn was over, and the begonias outside the house were gone. He taught her to kiss, to live, and to be humble in this gray world. But stubbornly live.
In the vicissitudes of life, the years have turned eight annual rings.
The lamp in front of the small building was grayed out, it was late winter in December, and the begonias were not in bloom, only a few sparse leaves hanging on the branches.
They sat on the stone steps in front of the door and talked a lot, one after another, one scene after another, he told her almost everything, but deliberately concealed all the details of the murder case, about her mother , her father, he never mentioned it, that was Shi Jin's last bottom line.
"You don't talk to others, and you don't go out of the small building. It's just me, and I'm the only one around you." Shi Jin's voice was a little hoarse, and he said a lot, "If I wasn't here, you wouldn't say a word all day."
Jiang Jiusheng listened to him quietly, her eyes were red, she had cried for some time, and the wind dried her tears, she buried her face in his chest to prevent him from seeing her hot eyes.
"All the windows are sealed, only one window is left in the attic. If I don't come back, you will sit there and wait for me, don't sleep, and wait and wait. At first, you were just afraid of people. Neither come down."
Shi Jin put the coat on her body: "I thought about finding you a psychiatrist, but I gave up."
She looked up and looked at him.
In the quiet night, his voice was very low, and every word seemed to be heavy.
Shi Jin said to her, "I'm afraid you'll leave after you've been cured." The hands around her waist became tighter and tighter, he hid her in his arms, and leaned on her shoulders, as if whispering, "I thought, just like this for the rest of my life, hide it for the rest of my life, grow old together and die together like this."
Jiang Jiusheng asked, "Then what happened next?"
Shi Jin paused for a long time and said, "Later I found out that I was also sick."
At that time, they had lived in the small building for a month. He had just taken over the Qin family, and sometimes he was very busy. When he was not in the small building, she would sit in the attic and wait for him.
Hearing footsteps on the stairs, she turned her head immediately: "You're back."
He walked over, picked her up, and put her on the recliner: "Baby, don't sit there and wait in the future, you will catch a cold."
Shi Jin sometimes calls her baby, like her mother, intimate and gentle. He said that since she has no relatives, he should love her more.
She is funny, he is also a teenager, old-fashioned.
"I don't have anything to do without waiting for you." She asked him suddenly, "Shi Jin, shall we raise a dog?"
He thought about it and agreed to her: "Okay."
Her dark eyes brightened a little.
"What breed do you like?"
She quickly replied: "Bomei, I like Bomei."
A few days later, he came back with a Pomeranian in his arms. It was white, still very small, and very round and cute. Shengsheng liked that dog very much and named it Jiang Bomei.
At the beginning, Jiang Bomei was very obedient and docile, but later, probably because she was locked in a small building for a long time, without sunlight or people, she became irritable.
Until, that Pomeranian bit her, biting the back of her hand until it was bloody.
She was not in good health. After being depressed, she was anorexic. Her immunity was particularly weak, and her wound was infected. She was sick for several days and was in a trance.
When she was sober, the dog was nowhere to be found, and she was left alone in the attic, quietly.
She asked him: "Shi Jin, where's Bomei?" She stood at the stairs, looking downstairs, "Why didn't I see it?"
He was silent for a while, then told her: "It's dead."
She guessed it. During the few days when she was sick, Shi Jin was in a bad mood and very manic. One night, she woke up in a daze and saw him guarding her bed. His pupils were red, the color of blood. He probably Afraid of scaring her, she tried her best to suppress her emotions, but she still saw the darkness and violence in his eyes, which she didn't know before, when Shi Jin became angry, as if he wanted to destroy the world.
She tried, but still asked, "Did you kill it?"
Shi Jin didn't deny it: "It bit you."
She never asked again. That night, she kept dreaming, dreaming of a lot of blood, dreaming of Wen's greenhouse, and her father and mother lying on the ground covered in blood...
Later, Qin Mingli's men broke into the small building and saw her face. He fired a shot and hit the man in the leg, blood was everywhere on the floor.
She heard the cry for help, and she was obviously very scared, but she still walked to him step by step.
"Can you not kill someone?"
"No." He pointed the muzzle of the gun at the man's head, and with his fingertips on the trigger, he couldn't help but say, "Shengsheng, he saw your face and must die."
"Shi Jin."
She reached out and took his hand, her body was shaking: "I'm afraid."
"You don't kill people."
"Don't be like me."
He raised his hand, covered her eyes, and pulled the trigger with his finger.
"boom!"
Shi Jin's marksmanship is very good, fast, and precise. After the age of twelve, no one in the Qin family can compare with him, but that shot missed.
He didn't kill the man because she kept crying.
That's right, she was only sixteen years old, an age when she should have lived in an ivory tower, but she followed him through a bloodbath.
She didn't blame him, but she often dreamed, cried and woke up when she fell asleep, and then hugged him, trembling all the time, he panicked, kept coaxing her, and kept admitting his mistakes.
"Shengsheng, don't be afraid."
"I won't in the future."
"I listen to you, and I will never make a mistake again."
"Don't cry, okay?"
"I don't hurt anyone, I won't hurt anyone again..."
She cried and called him: "Shi Jin."
"I'm here, I'm here."
He knelt before her knees and looked up at her.
But she didn't say anything, she wiped his hands again and again with tears, she said, there was a lot of blood...
Without blood, he would have washed it clean long ago.
Since then, she has had frequent hallucinations, a mid-term symptom of depression.
Shi Jin dared not tell her that his hands were already stained with blood, so many people who tried to break into this small building, except for the one she begged for, all of them were either killed or injured. He even suspected out of thin air, always felt that everyone in this house wanted to kill her, he wanted to kill them all, like hiding her in a place where no one was there, crazy and extreme.
The psychiatrist said that this is the initial symptom of paranoid personality disorder. If it is not controlled, there will be emotional control disorder in the future, and even manic violence.
The doctor prescribed a lot of medicines for him, and he threw them all away. He couldn't remember when he started to get addicted to cigarettes, smoking the strongest cigarettes, smoking desperately.
"Why do you smoke?"
In the dead of night, the girl's hoarse voice sounded behind her.
When he turned his head, it was too late to put out the cigarette at his fingertips, so he didn't hide. He held the cigarette in one hand and hugged her with the other. She was too thin and her waist was so thin that she could be wrapped around her with one hand, saying: " No reason."
She tilted her head to look at him: "Shi Jin, I didn't like other people smoking before, but you look good when you smoke."
"Then I will only smoke in front of you from now on."
She nodded and looked up at him smoking.
Eighteen-year-old Shi Jin, his facial features are already very delicate, his eyebrows and eyes are three-dimensional, and he is unbelievably beautiful. His eyes are very dark, and they are thick black without any impurities. When he smokes, he will narrow his eyes slightly, and the smoke will be lingering and hazy. The pupils of the eyes add some blur, like a demon.
She asked Shi Jin if he had a heavy cigarette addiction.
He shook his head and said no.
But she saw the cigarette butts in the ashtray, which was filling up quickly.
When she woke up that day, Shi Jin was not around, and he was smoking in front of the attic window.
"Does it taste good?" She walked over.
He shook his head: "Bitter and astringent."
"Give me a taste."
She lay on top of him and went to grab his cigarettes, but he smiled and avoided, hugging her and coaxing: "Shengsheng, don't touch it, it's not good for your health."
She raised her chin: "Then why are you smoking?"
"Didn't you say that I look good when I smoke?" He stubbed out the cigarette butt, exhaled the smoke ring, and leaned over to kiss her.
Indeed, bitter, astringent, and choking.
But she didn't hide, she opened her mouth obediently, kissed and entangled with him,
"Shi Jin."
"Um."
"Quit it, I don't like the smell of cigarettes." She was afraid that he would get sick and it would be bad if he smoked too much.
"good."
At that time, Shi Jin was in charge of the Qin family, life and death were at stake, and no one could say anything about it.
He said, "Shengsheng, I only listen to you."
Paranoid.
So what, he would.
The crescent moon in the sky is perfectly round, and the figures are in pairs.
Jiang Jiusheng raised his head, and the moonlight and Shi Jin came into his eyes together: "So, are you suffering from paranoia because of me?"
Shi Jin shook his head: "Not exactly."
She doesn't know much.
He stroked her hand, feeling a little cold, and stuffed it into his clothes: "Shengsheng, do you remember that I told you that Qin Xing chose me when I was eight years old."
"Remember."
"Because I kill people without blinking an eye." Shi Jin paused for a moment, "The first time I shot, I was only eight years old. That person was the murderer of my mother. I shot him twice and almost took my life. His life, that was the first time I lost control, I had no thoughts other than killing people."
She was surprised.
Shi Jin just rubbed her frowning brows, and his tone was so calm that he seemed to be saying something very ordinary: "It should be that the cause of the disease has been buried since then."
"Didn't your mother die unexpectedly?" She remembered that Shi Jin said that an accident happened when her mother took him away, and she thought it was just a coincidence.
Shi Jin shook his head: "She was executed by Qin Xing." Originally, he didn't want to tell her that the water in Qin's house was too dirty, and he didn't want her to know too much.
"Why?" she angrily.
"Because Qin Xing doesn't like disobedient people." Shi Jin didn't have any mood swings, but his voice was cool and ethereal, "The Qin family is a place that eats people. My mother took me away many times. She wanted to take me away. Send it out, thus angering Qin Xing."
Shi Jin thought before that if he hadn't met Jiang Jiusheng, he would have become a person like Qin Xing, living a life of insensitivity without blood and flesh, fighting and killing all his life.
Xu Qingbo once asked him why it was Jiang Jiusheng and why he liked him so much. Around him, there was no shortage of good-looking opposite sexes, and there was also no shortage of good-natured men, so no one else could do it, except Jiang Jiusheng.
He didn't have an answer either, he just remembered that when he saw her for the first time, his hands that wouldn't shake with a gun were actually sweating.
Shi Jin hugged her a little tighter, and continued: "They still want to harm you, not only Qin Mingli and the two wives of the Qin family, but also Qin Xing, are all staring at Xiaolou. You have left the Qin family."
"But it was a step too late," he said.
Jiang Jiusheng frowned fiercely.
She can't remember, she has forgotten all the things and people she has never forgotten, but even if she can't recall anything at all, when she listens to him, tears will flow down her face, her heart will hurt, like a sharp thing. In the heart, it hurts to pull it out, and it hurts not to pull it out.
"Your illness is getting worse and worse. When I'm not around, you'll cry and vomit when you eat." Shi Jin spoke very slowly, without any emotion, just holding her hand, the more The tighter it was, the palms were wet with cold sweat, "It was then that I realized that if you don't treat the disease, you may die."
Jiang Jiusheng looked up and looked into his eyes. He lowered his head and kissed her on the forehead, neither happy nor angry in his eyes.
How could she not know what kind of turbulent waves were hidden in his calm eyes? She had forgotten, but he still remembered that for eight years, he hugged the past alone, making all the wounds grow into scars.
"I hired a psychiatrist for you." Shi Jin pursed the corners of his lips, and there was a shadow in his eyes, "Your illness has just improved, and Qin Mingli bought that doctor."
He didn't tell her that it was because of her kindness that the man who let go recognized her case, which gave Qin Mingli an opportunity.
"And then my illness got worse and worse?"
"Well, I have serious suicidal tendencies."
That was the third month she had come to the Qin family.
He hired a psychiatrist for her. At first, she got better and was able to eat. When she was in good condition, she would still talk to him for a long time.
But in less than half a month, when her symptoms returned to the worst, he realized that the doctor had been manipulated. He hid all her information very tightly, and the Qin family didn't even see her appearance. However, the only mistake was the man who broke into the small building but got out alive.
He almost killed the psychiatrist, but it was too late.
That day, the sky was cloudy, he came back late, and she was different from the past, she went to bed very early, and he couldn't wake her up, so he found the medicine bottle on the ground.
She took antidepressants, a whole bottle.
"Sheng Sheng."
"Sheng Sheng."
"Sheng Sheng."
"..."
She opened her eyes, she was not in the attic, there was a white ceiling on the top, and there were a lot of medical equipment, she was wearing an oxygen mask, and called him: "Shi Jin."
He looks up.
She saw him crying.
That was the first time she saw him shed tears, still very good-looking, like a puppet in the window, exquisite, but not at all lively.
"Don't cry." She raised her hand and wiped the tears on his face, her voice was so low that she could barely hear, she opened her mouth word by word, "I won't reincarnate first, I will wait until you are gray-haired when."
There are needles on the back of her hand, she is very thin, she has not seen the sun all year round, and she is so white that tiny blood vessels can be seen.
Shi Jin held her hand, thin and small, as if it could be broken with a little force, he put his face against her hand, rubbed it gently, tears from the corners of his eyes slipped into his palm: "Shengsheng," he said, " There is no reincarnation."
how could be
Her psychiatrist told her that the universe is a kind of reincarnation. He also said that when a person dies, he will return to the beginning, from dust to soul.
She stayed in the hospital for four days, and then asked Shi Jin to take her back to the small building.
Shi Jin put away all her medicines and only gave her one a day. When she was taking medicine, he was by his side, and when he was not around, he let Ms. Jiang guard her.
One day, the Qin family had guests, and Shi Jin was not in the small building. She broke the bowl and secretly hid a piece of it. When Ms. Jiang went to pour water for her, she cut her hand.