Ji Youyan didn't have the courage to continue after sobbing. Looking at the still unresponsive dialog box, she gave a wry smile, wiped away her tears and got out of bed to wash her face.
In fact, she did not expect Jingxiu to respond to her immediately. She had lived up to Jingxiu's tenderness and tolerance, but now she has suffered all this by herself. She just wanted Jingxiu to know that she was not the same as before. She will become frank, learn to show weakness, and let go of the self-confidence and pride that she should not have in love.
Even though she is still doing it hard now, but slowly, she can always put together a whole heart for Jingxiu to see.
This is her sincerity and determination.
She is going to record a show tomorrow. In order to keep her eyes from swollen, she washed her face with cold water and put a cold towel on her eyes for a long time. She was sure that nothing was wrong, and she was too tired to go to warm her hands and feet again. She went back to bed, wanting to turn off the alarm clock she set every day to remind her to go to sleep. She took out her mobile phone and opened the screen to find an unread WeChat message.
It was sent to her by Jingxiu a few minutes ago. There are only three simple words: "Come here."
Ji Youyan immediately sat up straight and was ecstatic. A few seconds later, she threw down her phone, lifted the quilt, got out of bed, put on a cotton mop, and rushed out the door in one go.
It wasn't until he trotted all the way to the door of Jingxiu's room and raised his hand to knock on the door that Ji Youyan's reason returned to the cage.
What is she doing? Ji Youyan looked down at herself, who was wearing the wrong left and right feet and was disheveled, and laughed dumbly.
The chill in the living room made Ji Youyan shudder unconsciously. She withdrew the hand that was about to knock on the door, changed the left and right slippers, tidied up her clothes, and was about to comb her hair, but the door suddenly opened without knocking.
Jingxiu stood in the light and shadow, his expression was always deserted.
After such a heart-to-heart confession, seeing such a calm Jingxiu, Ji Youyan opened her mouth and called out "Axiu", and was suddenly embarrassed and ashamed to speak.
Looking at the thin pajamas on her body, Jingxiu frowned almost imperceptibly.
"Come in." She opened the door wide and said lightly.
Ji Youyan was instantly shocked and flattered. It was only through Jingxiu's figure that she turned away from her that she could see the whole picture of Jingxiu's room for the first time. It is obviously the same layout and furnishings as her room, but it seems that because Jingxiu lives, everything looks so different.
Ji Youyan clasped her hands together, raised her foot and entered Jingxiu's door, walking step by step with great solemnity. Tonight, the surprises one after another smashed her into a bit of a daze. She unconsciously asked herself, does this open door also represent a little bit of the door that Jingxiu has opened to her again
Jingxiu didn't notice her thoughts. Standing in front of the table, she lifted the kettle and poured her a cup of hot water, handed it to Ji Youyan, and said calmly, "Clean."
Ji Youyan looked at her peaceful brows and couldn't help raising the corners of her lips. She took the cup with both hands, and the heat from the water cup was ironed on her hands, which made her sigh in comfort.
"It's okay." Her voice was still a little hoarse after crying.
Even if Jingxiu handed her a cup of arsenic now, she thought she could drink it with a smile.
"Drink a little to warm up your body." Jingxiu said gently.
Ji Youyan smirked and bowed her head obediently to drink water. As expected, the heat flowed down her throat, all the way down, all over her limbs.
She was drinking water and saw Jingxiu entering the glass room and pouring water into the washbasin, but there was no emotion in her expression. Ji Yu's heart was beating uneasy, unable to understand Jing Xiu's attitude.
"The snowman is very cute, he has a heart." Jingxiu didn't know if he noticed her peeking, and suddenly said with his back to her.
Ji Youyan frowned and said, "Then when it snows again, I'll build a bigger one for you outside, okay?"
Jingxiu stirred the water and refused, "No need."
Just as Ji Youyan's brows darkened, he saw Jingxiu turn around again, and his eyes fell on his swollen and swollen hands.
"Can't your hands be cold?" she said in an ordinary tone.
Ji Youyan's heart was suddenly warm, with a little sourness. Axiu remembers it.
"Come in and soak your hands." Jingxiu turned off the water faucet, turned to his side, and said gently.
Ji Yuyan suspects that he may be dreaming. She stood there looking at Jingxiu in disbelief, and Jingxiu raised his chin to signal to her. The corners of Ji Yuyan's lips gradually rose. She put down the water glass, followed Jingxiu's instructions, and stepped into the narrow glass room.
The hot water in the washbasin, under the action of Ji Youyan's hands entering the water, swayed with a brownish water light, which was a familiar color to Ji Youyan.
Jingxiu put a medicine bag for promoting blood circulation and preventing frostbite.
In the first winter together, she and Jingxiu developed frostbite after playing in the snow. Jingxiu was surprised and distressed. She said it was the first time she had heard of the scientific name frostbite. Ji Youyan teased her, did she learn a little more Chinese and gain a lot of knowledge after being with her. Jingxiu poked her chilblain twice in a funny way, she pretended to be in pain and screamed, but Jingxiu was so frightened that she quickly covered and yelled at her.
Later, Jingxiu knew that her hands could not stand the cold. Every winter, when it was cold, she would protect her hands more actively than she did, giving her gloves and hand warmers.
In the winter of the second year we were together, Jingxiu heard from a Chinese medicine practitioner that frostbite was the cause of poor blood circulation. To promote blood circulation, let her soak her hands with tangerine peel, let her soak her hands with wormwood, and some medicine bags made of Chinese herbal medicines that she can't name.
Every time Ji Youyan saw her serious and gentle appearance, her heart softened and she wanted to tease her. Once, after soaking her hands, Jingxiu was helping her to apply the anti-chilblain hand cream. She teased her: "Why do you think you are so kind to me?"
Jingxiu didn't lift his head and said, "If it weren't for the fact that you can play the piano for me and write songs for me, it's useful, I don't care if you're going to freeze into a pig's trotters."
Ji Youyan couldn't hear her duplicity. She hugged her tightly in her arms pretending to be dissatisfied, and asked vaguely against her ear, "Are you sure, this is the only use?"
Jingxiu pretended not to understand and said, "Why not? Let it go, it's not finished yet."
Ji Youyan said slyly: "Really don't know? Then I think it is necessary for me to remind you." After speaking, she began to kiss Jingxiu's ear.
Later, the hand cream that had just been applied was hurriedly washed off by Ji Youyan.
Recalling the past, Ji Yuyan felt a little hot. Has Jingxiu always prepared these medicine bags for himself
Jingxiu had long eyelashes hanging down, and under the dim warm light, her profile was as gentle as before: "Will it be too hot?"
Ji Youyan shook his head, flexed his fingers in the hot water, his heart beating like a drum. Jingxiu has never mentioned what happened on WeChat, should she take the initiative to mention it? Maybe this is a good time
But before she mustered up her courage, Jingxiu took the initiative to mention it before her: "I always knew that you sold the song to Guo Wen."
Ji Yuyan choked.
It's not that she hadn't guessed, Jingxiu may have known about it. After all, she asked herself tentatively that year, and later, it took so long before she answered herself.
"It's just that you don't want me to know, so I pretend not to know."
Ji Youyan moved his lips, and when he saw Jingxiu's indifferent appearance, he felt as if something had pierced his heart. Jingxiu, who was cooperating with his own lies, how uncomfortable would it have been at that time
"I've been thinking lately, what kind of person am I in your eyes?" Jingxiu lowered her snow-white neck and looked at the overlapping shadows of her and Ji Youyan on the ground.
"A very good person." Ji Youyan said with a sore throat. She couldn't think of any other adjective to describe her beloved lover than the word "good".
"Even if I'm impersonal and too harsh?"
"You're not." Ji You Yan denied.
"But there are a lot of people on the Internet who say that about me."
"That's because those people don't know you, don't know you. If they know your kindness and tolerance, your seriousness and dedication, they will definitely not misunderstand you so much."
Jingxiu raised his eyes to look at Ji Youyan, and said with a small smile, "Then why do you think that if I knew that you were selling songs, I would think that you have no backbone and would not understand you?"
This is Jingxiu's long absence, showing her such a smile. She smiled so brightly, but Ji Yuyan couldn't be happy. Axiu's eyes were not smiling, her eyes were full of loneliness.
"There is no perfect person in this world. It's not because you are perfect that I like you." She looked at Ji Youyan and said word by word, "It's because I like you that I think you are perfect."
Ji Youyan's heart trembled, and Jingxiu said again, "But that was in the past."
His hands were still in the hot water, but Ji Yuyan felt that his hands and feet were starting to get cold.
"Maybe we never really knew each other. I didn't know you were so lost, and neither did you. For a long time, I also felt lost and couldn't find my identity."
Ji Yuyan's surprise was obvious.
Jingxiu snorted lightly, and said with a bit of self-deprecation: "Is it because I look so beautiful, I don't seem to have any desires and feel inferior? It seems that everyone feels that way."
Ji Youyan suddenly pulled out her hands, turned to face Jingxiu, tried to say something to comfort her, but her throat was blocked. Because she found that she couldn't justify herself. She was indeed as Jingxiu said, watching her go smoothly and confidently, as if she had never thought that Jingxiu would be afraid and uneasy.
Jingxiu didn't blame her, she took out the towel, raised Ji Youyan's left hand, wiped it gently, and said slowly, "I won one award after another, and I got more and more fans' likes, and I heard more and more. The more compliments. But I'm getting more and more sad."
Why? Ji Youyan didn't have the courage to ask her out.
Jingxiu changed Ji Youyan's right hand to wipe, one finger and one finger, gently wiping. "So many sleepless nights, I look at the ceiling and ask myself, if I'm really as captivating as they like me, why is the person I like getting further and further away from me and disliking me less and less?"
Ji Yuyan was stunned. The next second, she grabbed Jingxiu's wrist with her backhand and said eagerly, "I don't have it, Axiu, why do you think so?"
"But your behavior isn't like this." Jingxiu looked at her calmly. She pulled out her wrist little by little from Ji Yuyan's hand.
Ji Youyan lost his soul. She reflected on herself, what was her performance like
She put herself at the disadvantage of this relationship, she was trapped in her own inferiority and unease. She distanced herself from Jingxiu; she had rumors of flirting with male stars again and again; when Jingxiu questioned her, she dishonestly concealed her again and again; she bought cakes in Jingxiu and traveled all the way. When celebrating her birthday with her, she asked her to wait until after midnight before returning to herself; after she called before Jingxiu was seriously injured, she was nowhere to be seen.
She always thought that Jingxiu was disappointed with her and cold-hearted, so he left her.
But Jingxiu told her, "It's not easy to admit your failure and convince yourself that you don't love me anymore."
In Ji Youyan's dodging again and again, she gradually couldn't find the evidence that Ji Youyan still loved her. She went through the path of self-comfort and self-deception. From the beginning, she couldn't bear to ask, and later she didn't dare to ask.
In the end, she collapsed in the "okay" that Ji Youyan promised to break up in front of the hospital bed.
Ji Youyan walked away without leaving a memory, as if waiting for that sentence to be released early.
The incisions on her two broken ribs that were still unable to heal, each time they cracked, it made her awake a little bit.
It was in such repeated pain that she convinced herself that Ji Youyan didn't love her anymore.
Ji Youyan rolled down tears, except for the pale "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know... I don't know..." She didn't know how she should explain herself in order to hug the crying Jingxiu in the past and make her believe that from She always loved her like that.
As Jingxiu's closest lover, she was like all outsiders and never really thoughtfully understood Jingxiu. She couldn't imagine how Jingxiu spent those sleepless nights in such a fragile state, and forced a smile when facing her.
A piercing bell suddenly came from outside the door, breaking the silence of the room. It was Ji Yuyan's cell phone alarm clock thrown in the bedroom, reminding her that it was time to sleep.
"It's getting late." Jingxiu walked out of the glass room, looked at the door, and said softly, "Go back, I have work tomorrow, it's time to sleep."
Ji Youyan saw Jingxiu facing her face under the shadow of the lamp, and the light of water also slipped down her cheek.
Ji Youyan's heart was so distressed that it seemed like a big mouth had opened, and blood was dripping. What kind of face does she have, begging Jingxiu's forgiveness.
She didn't know how she got back to the room, and she didn't know how long she had been sitting on the bed, silent about their chat records.
She fondly rubbed Jingxiu's avatar with her fingertips, and inadvertently jumped to Jingxiu's homepage, only to find that the circle of friends that Jingxiu had blocked from her for a long time did not know when it had been opened.
Inside, there is only one dynamic, a lyric.
The release time was three months after she broke up with Jingxiu, when she and the male protagonist of the new play "Tuina" had a hot scandal.
You are my dream of worrying about gains and losses, and I am someone you don't have.
The author has something to say: Note: The last lyric is from the song "Writing to Huang Huai".