"Why would you think so?" Shi Yi's voice became softer. She put down the paper and pen, turned sideways and hugged Fu Shitian back, her eyes warmer than the sun.
Fu Shitian looked at her, his trembling and hesitant heart wavering and struggling more and more under her gaze.
She heard the sound of the chain shaking violently, and heard the sound of a long-dying little monster trembling against the door of the heart that had never seen the sun and never dared to open to anyone, wanting Shi Yi to hug it too.
She couldn't refuse. She couldn't bear to refuse.
She didn't know that if even Shi Yi was unwilling to accept it, who else in this world could accept it.
Her lower lip trembled, and she supported herself on the ground with her hands. She slowly sat down and leaned on Shi Yi's shoulder.
Shi Yi hugged her silently without urging her.
After a long time, Fu Shitian stared at Fu Jianze's tombstone, his throat moved, and he finally mustered up the courage to speak out his heart: "Shi Yi, when he was here, I was not nice to him at all."
Shi Yi held her hand tightly and listened quietly.
Fu Shitian said with a sad look in his eyes: "All the nightmares in my life started with him. I can't forgive him."
"We lived under the same roof for four months, and I never gave him a good look, or even said a few words to him."
"When he just got out of prison, I even..." Fu Shitian unconsciously clenched his five fingers, "I thought viciously, why did he come out, why couldn't he let me go, why couldn't he just disappear from my world forever..."
Shi Yi caressed her five fingers distressedly, trying to relax her strength, but Fu Shitian tightened her grip. She was still restrained, but her voice gradually became hoarse: "I couldn't help but vent all my bad temper on him."
"I don't think he deserves my kindness. He doesn't deserve it." If removing the flesh and bleeding could wash away the dirty genes in her body and make her become a clean and innocent person, she would be willing to do it.
But she didn't deserve it. She had to live.
"I remember one time very clearly," she said. "I said to him, 'If you don't come out, this whole street will be safe.'"
At that time, for Fu Siyu's prosthesis, for customer sources and performance, she went out early and came back late every day, running around everywhere, and when she had social events, she drank wine like water.
One night, she finished another social event, feeling half exhausted, and took the last bus back. When she got off the bus, she turned around and saw Fu Jianze's slightly hunched figure standing at the end of the road not far away, staring at the platform.
As soon as he saw her, he trotted over.
Fu Shitian's temples were throbbing and he was in a panic, thinking that something had happened to Xiaoyu again. He endured the pain in his gallbladder and walked towards him quickly.
"What are you doing?" She frowned and asked anxiously and aggressively.
Fu Jianze stopped walking immediately. He seemed a little embarrassed and at a loss, but he quickly suppressed it. A warm smile appeared on his thin face, and he explained: "I'll come out to pick you up."
"I was standing by the window just now and noticed that the street lights seemed to be broken tonight. The entire street inside was not lit. I was worried that it would be unsafe for you to come back."
Fu Shitian followed his words and looked behind him. The road leading to the building where they lived was indeed dark, with not a single light on.
A middle-aged man riding an electric bike to take his children home from evening study whizzed past them, leaving behind inaudible laughter.
Fu Shitian suddenly remembered that many years ago, when she and Chen Xizhu worked part-time together, there was often a section of road without street lights on their way home from get off work.
At that time, she was really scared and helpless.
But she still rode over. How many roads like this had she walked since she was a child? He was only now beginning to worry if this was too ridiculous.
She suddenly felt her throat choked up, her heart hardened like stone, and indistinguishable emotions filled her chest. She opened her mouth and taunted him coldly: "If you don't come out, this whole street will be safe."
In an instant, she saw the blood drain from his face, and he stammered but couldn't utter a word, looking very pitiful.
Her lower right abdomen hurt more, and her whole body was shaking. But she held on, standing straight, step by step, passing him, and walked indifferently into the darkness.
It was a long time later that he came back, acting as if nothing had happened. He knocked on the door as usual, boiled hot water for her, made sobering tea for her, and helped her wash her dirty clothes and socks.
"I don't know what he was thinking when he stood outside. I thought that after that incident, he had given up and would not bother me again. However, the next day, the day after that... every day until the street light was repaired, he still stood at the intersection waiting for me, like a tail, walking behind me."
"He tried to talk to me, but I ignored him."
"I later found out that he was already very ill at that time. He was in pain every day and felt uncomfortable every day, but he didn't dare to tell me every day."
Her voice was hoarse, she took a deep breath, and asked Shi Yi: "Shi Yi, am I too bad, I shouldn't have done that..."
Shi Yi felt a dull pain in her heart as she breathed in. She rubbed her forehead against her cheek and comforted her: "No, come on. You don't know either. This is not your fault. It's not your fault."
But Fu Shitian smiled a bitter smile that was more painful than crying, and said, "Blame me."
"My uncle blames me." There was a suppressed cry in her voice: "He asked me, 'You live with him every day, why didn't you find out earlier?' I didn't know how to answer him. His ascites had swelled up, but I didn't know until my aunt ran into him in the vegetable market by chance and found out that something was wrong."
"But it was too late. The operation was meaningless. He said his family was not in good condition and he didn't want to waste money. He refused to stay in the hospital for a single day and went home."
"It was discovered in August, and in October, he was gone."
"On the day he passed away, we all had a feeling that it was almost time, but no one expected that it would really be his last day. The night before, he didn't want to wake me up, so he got up on his own with his belly bulging. At that time, his stomach was already swollen to his chest, and he couldn't eat anything for a long time except for a little liquid food. But that day, he suddenly said that his mouth was burning badly and he wanted to eat a popsicle. My uncle called me and asked me to bring back a popsicle when I got off work."
"I bought it at the convenience store downstairs. It was a red bean paste popsicle." Her eyes were sore and she looked up, almost trying to hold back her tears. "He took two bites and said incoherently, 'It tastes bad, it's stuck in my throat.' He said he wanted to eat the fruit-flavored popsicle I bought him the day he got out of prison. He said that was delicious, the best he had ever tasted."
"I couldn't describe how I felt for a moment. I didn't buy that popsicle for him at all. My uncle didn't want to eat it and said he wanted to leave it for him. I didn't say anything, turned around, went downstairs and bought it."
"That was the first time in those months that I wanted to fulfill his wish like that."
But the weather in October was already cold, and convenience stores had almost stopped restocking. In the refrigerator, there were only a few unsaleable items left over from the summer. There was nothing he wanted to eat.
"I went from store to store, from the top of the street to the end of the street, but I couldn't find what he wanted to eat. I took a shared bike and rode for several blocks, and finally found it in a very small store. I paid and was about to ride back when my uncle called me. He asked me where I had been and told me to go back quickly, saying that he had vomited blood and might not survive."
At that moment, her hands and feet were cold, as if even her blood had been frozen by the ice in her hands.
She couldn't remember how she rode back. She felt that she had used all her strength and the fastest speed. www.
"But it was still too slow. When I got back, he was gone."
Fu Shitian burst into tears and said: "He died with his eyes open... He died with his eyes open."
"My uncle said with red eyes that he had been looking at the door, waiting for me. He asked me to call him so that he could leave with peace of mind."
"But I was holding my popsicle and couldn't shout."
"My uncle blamed me and begged me, but I still couldn't shout. I saw him close his eyes and tears flowed down the corners of his closed eyes."
"I finally called out 'Dad', but he couldn't hear me."
"He can't hear..."
"Shi Yi." Her voice was trembling, and the pain drilled through her heart, making her unable to continue. She wanted to curl herself up and hide in a dark corner.
But Shi Yi held her tightly, not allowing her to escape or hide.
She listened to the equally heavy breathing sounds in her ears, and finally slowly relaxed her limbs and tried to let go of herself again.
She continued her confession with a choked voice: "It's been so long since he was released from prison, and I never called him dad..."
"I felt I had reasons not to forgive him, but after he passed away, I slowly became unable to forgive myself."
"When I come home drunk, I often think of the sobering tea he made for me. When I walk through a dark intersection, I think of his figure waiting for me every day. When I cook porridge, heat dishes, wash clothes and mop the floor, I think of his busy and fawning appearance day after day. In my dreams, I see him again and again on the sickbed, staring at me, always hesitantly, hoping that I can call him 'Dad', but in the blink of an eye, he is pushed into the stove and turned into a small box."
"I don't know whether it is his regret or my regret. Whether it is his fault or my fault." Her face was full of tears, and her thin shoulders pressed against Shi Yi's body, like a bayonet piercing Shi Yi's heart.
Shi Yi's throat was choked. She turned sideways, put one hand on Fu Shitian's shoulder, wiped the tears from her face with the other hand, stared at her, and said in a low but gentle voice: "It's not your fault, come on."
She said: "You have done better than most of us. None of us can do better than you."
Fu Shitian's eyes trembled, and she bit her lower lip tightly, as if she was very doubtful and aggrieved, and she let out a sob. Over the years, she has been trapped in a collapsing world and a chaotic outlook on life. There is no one to complain to, and no one has ever affirmed her. She didn't know what kind of person she was after doing so many wrong things, and whether she was worthy of being forgiven. She lowered her head, full of uncertainty, and asked in a trembling voice: "Really?"
Shi Yi's heart broke when he heard this.
She held her face in her hands, forced her to look at her, and said to her eyes: "Really. No one blames you. Uncle doesn't blame you either."
Fu Shitian's eyes were filled with tears. She didn't blink, but tears rolled down her cheeks. She said, "My uncle scolded me and said I had no heart."
Shi Yi was a little annoyed with Fu Jiantao, and coaxed: "He was just talking in anger."
Fu Shitian's eyes were dim: "Maybe it's true."
She said: "I knew my father had changed and that he didn't have much time left, but I refused to give him another chance."
Shi Yi said: "It's not your fault. Come on, not all 'I'm sorry' can be answered with a 'It's okay'. Not all repentance can be forgiven. The harm has happened, why should it be written off? Besides, didn't you forgive him in the end?"
Fu Shitian's chin trembled violently. She stared at Shi Yi blankly, hesitant and anxious, and she endured it to the extreme. She then used a whisper to open her heart and asked, "Even if... I am cold and selfish, and I was relieved when I heard him say he wanted to give up treatment, is it okay?"
At that time, she was burdened too much, she was really too tired.
Shi Yi couldn't bear to see her like this, his eyes turned red, and he kept stroking her chin and lower lip, asking her to let him go.
She said, "It's okay, come on, it's okay. This is human nature." She kissed her tears like a treasure and told her, "We are all ordinary people, with ordinary emotions, likes, dislikes and hatreds. What does it matter if we are not so tolerant and perfect? Why should we hold ourselves to the standards of saints?"
"Come on, forgiving others and forgiving yourself are both lessons. For the former, I have never seen anyone do better than you. For the latter," she stroked her face, tears welling up in her usually cold eyes, and said, "Can I work hard with you?"
Fu Shitian saw that his own image was clearly reflected in her eyes—the small, disheveled, lonely, always like a trapped beast, the complete and real self.
In this world, there really is someone who can accept her completely, treat her like a treasure, and always stand by her side.
Finally, she couldn't bear it any longer and threw herself into her arms, burying her head against her neck. For the first time in more than 20 years, she let down all her defenses and disguises in front of others like a child and cried loudly, as if she wanted to cry out all the grievances, helplessness and confusion she had experienced over the years.
Shi Yi hugged her, closed his eyes, and his tears mixed with Fu Shitian's tears flowed into his heart.
The wind was blowing, the clouds were floating, and the newly painted words "Fu Jianze" on the tombstone were shining in the sun.
Shi Yi said: "Come on, your father must have heard it."
"He loves you very much and will never bear a grudge against you. Only when you get better and are happy, will he really have no regrets."
The leaves rustled in the wind, as if in response. Shi Yi asked, "Did you hear it?"
Fu Shitian was on top of her, sobbing. After a long while, he whispered back, "I heard it."
Shi Yi rubbed the back of her head, his eyes full of love, as if he was coaxing a lover or a child.
The sunlight blended their shadows together, making them indistinguishable from each other.
No more barriers. ,，