"Gravekeeper, where do you want to guard the tomb? Are we going to the immortal tomb?" I couldn't react at the moment, but the answer Ruxue gave me was to guard the tomb? Why do you always guard? In the past, you guarded the village, but now you guard the tomb
Ruxue did not answer me in a hurry, but walked forward quietly. There was a big rock not far ahead. She sat down on the big rock and motioned for me to sit over it.
My heart is filled with various emotions, sadness, reluctance, and doubt, but these emotions are all very small, because they are not as big as the sweetness of Ruxue and I being together.
I sat down next to Ruxue. Ruxue leaned on my shoulder naturally and breathed a long sigh of relief. We were both comfortable in this position, not because of intimacy, but because of cuddling, as if we were relying on each other to protect each other. .
"When you say you are a tomb guard, you are not guarding the tomb, but guarding these insects. Chengyi, if I say this, can you understand the reason why I want to leave?" Ruxue's voice was still light, but in the There was more sadness at this time.
I didn't know what to say, so I habitually reached for cigarettes from my pocket. Ruxue took my hand and said, "Actually, I always thought you could quit smoking."
I didn't argue with Ruxue, but let go and said: "Let me count my important people for you. The first is my family, but I can't get along with them for a long time before a certain age! So! I left home when I was young, and my master said that my parents were unlucky. Then came my master, and he left, singing "Sister, you go forward boldly, teasing the women in the village, and left like this. Then came you, you said If you leave, what will I have left? They are my friends, but don’t my friends have their own lives? Sometimes I feel that smoking is my biggest support and I can’t quit.”
Ruxue did not speak, but some cold hands held me and said: "If you can't quit, forget it. If you can't keep it, you can only bear it. Whatever you must do, no matter how difficult it is, you must do it!" Chengyi, do you know about this bug? Speaking of which, it is the legacy of our Yueyan Miao Village, and it’s time for me to get rid of it after all.”
"I don't want to hear this now, Ruxue. Let's put aside the reasons for now. I just want to ask you, if you want to stay here, in what form will you stay here? Can we still meet? If, Ruxue, I What if, is it possible for you to give up?" As I said that, I was afraid of Ruxue's rejection, so I said hurriedly: "Ruxue, Lao Zhang said that if the woman wants to leave, the man can't keep him, so he gave me his blessing. , to make her feel at ease, but I can’t leave you alone, you know.”
Ruxue covered my mouth and said: "If you are willing, listen to what I have to say! You can never change your impatience, but this is what Chen Chengyi is."
I took a deep breath and said to Ruxue: "Well, you tell me and I listen."
"Since entering the old forest, I have actually felt the call from the soul. I am not lying to you. What I am hiding from you is that the call is so urgent. When I am dreaming in the middle of the night, I can hear someone calling me. Keep telling me that it's too late! At that time, I actually wanted to tell you what was wrong with all this. Do you know why I didn't say it?" Ruxue said quietly.
"I don't know." Of course I didn't know why Ruxue refused to mention this to me from beginning to end.
"It's because for so many years, I have been suppressing my impulse to be close to you and to be with you regardless of everything, to abandon everything. Whenever I have that impulse, I choose to stay up all night long. Sleep, and then let yourself be extremely tired. After sleeping, you will not think about anything. As time goes by, this kind of depression becomes a habit. I am used to not sharing my thoughts with you, not being too close to you, and sticking to a The promise we made every year suppressed all my feelings! Ultimately, I was afraid that I would be weak. Once I became weak, the defense in my heart would be loosened. Ultimately, not telling me at the beginning was just a habit. I was used to it. ." Ruxue was very calm when she said this.
And I looked at Ruxue in shock. I never imagined that Ruxue, who I thought was indifferent, actually spent the lonely years like this. I always knew that Ruxue was the kind of woman who was not good at expressing, but had a burning heart. , but what I didn’t expect was that she could suppress it so deeply that it has become a stubborn habit!
"Aren't you surprised?" Ruxue smiled, as beautiful as ever, but her tone was very relaxed, as if the pain didn't happen to her at all. She held my hand and didn't let me speak, but continued on her own. Said: "Chengyi, in fact, we are similar in some aspects. We know that we will fall deeply in love, so in many cases, I am stiff or even cold, resisting the approach of others. I am more than you. I suddenly found that it is better I want to say a lot to you, just like the pain I experienced when my parents parted when I was a child. I was introverted, but she thought about it and lived a lively and happy life, but I was stuffy in my heart, and I have grown up to now. I found that I am good at speaking. It’s messy, but you can understand it, right?”
"I can understand." I held Ruxue's hand, tightly. How could I not understand? From sadness and confusion to habit, from habit to numbness, and finally from numbness to resistance, I drifted again and again. Isn't that what it is
"Yes, you can understand. We always have too much tacit understanding, but we are both wrong. The mistake is that we cannot see through love, and always deliberately let love stay in its most beautiful form, just like me, It has always maintained such an image, pure and light, making your heart beat like snow, but in fact, does the snow in your heart look like a crazy woman who has not slept for a few nights? Does the snow in your heart feel like a crazy woman? Why did Stili go to a remote place alone to yell and even go crazy? Not to mention that after getting closer to life, our love fell from the sky to the earth. Is that the most beautiful form of love? In fact, we love each other, But we don’t necessarily understand each other, and having a tacit understanding doesn’t necessarily mean we understand each other.” Ruxue looked at me and said with a smile.
"Ruxue, don't say anything. You know that no matter what you look like, I am the same." I said eagerly.
"No, Chengyi, just like the most powerful Feng Shui Second Pulse, it can't be considered a trivial life, just like the most powerful Xiangzi Pulse can't see how Feng Shui will change in a hundred years, how can you say you don't care about death? Have you lost your own love? That is what really takes time to settle down, to get along with each other day and night. Then after this, can you still say, I love you, just like when we first met? Chengyi, I am very Thank you for keeping my love at its most beautiful, so what regrets do I have?" Ruxue looked at me and said.
"Are you telling me the answer? Are you saying that you will never see me again, won't you come out? What exactly is going on? Tell me, okay?" I was powerless, I thought what Lao Zhang said, I The realization was deep, but in the end it was no match for the heartache at the moment. He grabbed Ruxue's hand and put it against his face, his eyes red.
"I'm telling you the answer. When I was a Gu girl, what I longed for most was freedom, just like my great-aunt longed for it, because only with freedom could she stay with Mr. Jiang, even when she was free. , marriage is no longer important. I also quietly asked my aunt, why not fight for freedom? My aunt told me that the two words freedom and selfishness may seem unrelated, but it is very possible that they can be merged in a single thought. Together, because these two words are preceded by the word "自", which emphasizes the self, that is, the word is centered on the heart of the self! Later, what my aunt often said was that sentence, people always have responsibilities, who You can't be isolated from this world. Just like what Mr. Jiang often says to you, people have to have a certain bottom line. It's the same. No matter how beautiful our love is, there are too many things it can't compete with, just like Chengyi you. , counting the most important people to you, there are your parents. Can you bear to see them worrying about you until the moment you close your eyes? Can you? Do you think that you are watching over your love with me, even if your parents are not I care about future generations, but thinking that my only son will live a lonely life like this, or even die alone, will they feel at ease? And I, leaving the village and desperately staying with you, even if the people in the village don't criticize Me, can I feel at ease? I have failed you, I have failed the village, and if you have not failed me, you have failed your parents. We have been stuck in the multiple-choice questions of life for too long. Isn’t it great now? Destiny Help We have the answer." Ruxue said to me word for word.
"Yes, fate has helped us make the answer, but in the future, if I have my own home, or even my own children, don't you feel bad thinking about this? I will feel bad thinking about it myself, really, It will hurt." I said seriously with my eyes red.
"I don't doubt the sincerity of what you said at this moment, but as Lao Zhang said, the heartache at that time was no longer worth the trivial matters in reality at that time. If you give it to time, everything will fade away. And Lao Zhang Another thing I didn't say was that the heartache I felt at that time was no longer worth the responsibility I felt at that time. My parents, children, and wife all said that the boy's life was not going well with his relationship, and your dissatisfaction was all on me, but after all, I I am a woman, but I am very grateful for this unfavorable situation, which allowed my love to stay at its most beautiful moment. In the end, you still loved me. In the future, you will really reserve a place for me in your heart, just like Lao Zhang , listening to him say that, it reminds me of the woman he likes, and I am already satisfied. At that moment, I am completely relieved! Do I still have the selfishness and scheming of women?" Ruxue put her fingers on my chest. Go around gently.
At this moment, if I didn’t know what Ruxue meant, then I would really be a fool. The matter was really irreversible. Ruxue didn’t say she would never see me again, but she was already saying something else—from now on. After tonight, it means letting go completely. I understand that Ruxue’s mind has been made up.
"Not selfish, that's good. Thank you for loving me so much." My voice was choked, but I didn't cry.
Letting go is also a kind of wisdom. Ruxue has this wisdom better than me. Yes, she is very good.